Title: The One With The Mission.
Fandom: Supernatural.
Pairing: Sam/Gabriel, Dean/Castiel
Rating: R
Word count: 3322
Spoilers: If you know who Gabriel is, then no.
Warnings: None. Slight crack perhaps.
Feedback: Yes please.
Disclaimer: I don't own anything even remotely related to Supernatural.
Beta: mithrel. Thanks, dear!
Notes: This was written for the First Official Birthday Challenge over at sabriel_bday and by some miracle, I won! WOHOO!
Summary: Dean is a man with a mission. What could go wrong?
Link to this fic on LJ and on DW on AO3.
Dean didn't get why people always assumed he was a homophobe. He wasn't. No, really! Okay, so he wasn't exactly the most politically correct guy at the best of times, but that didn't mean he cared about who people wanted to fuck. That was their own business as far as he was concerned. Unless of course they wanted to fuck him. Then it was very much Dean's business. And while he'd so far never met any person of the male persuasion who appealed to him enough to take them up on any offers, that didn't mean he was disgusted by them or anything. Just... not interested.
That is, until Cas.
Now, Dean would be the first to admit that it took him a while to get over the fact that Cas was actually kinda sorta totally guy-shaped. But that wasn't the biggest hurdle. No, the biggest problem was that he could never really be sure if Cas was actually coming onto him or not. Dean preferred his signals nice and clear, thank you very much. But once that problem was solved, Dean's expected gay freak-out wasn't actually as major as he'd thought. Frankly, he was more disturbed by the fact that he had Gabriel to thank for Cas' sudden neon-sign approach to courting Dean. And the fact that Cas still referred to it as courting also made Dean cringe...
But that meant that not only did he now have to deal with all the people who ever knew him practically dropping their jaws, every time they realized he and Cas were actually together, but he also owed Gabriel. And that was just not something Dean was very happy with. Which was why he made it his mission, after he and Cas finally got it on, to find out how he could get out of his debt to the annoying little fucker. And while Dean wasn't the best at research, his observation skills were pretty fucking good if he did say so himself. After all, wasn't he the one who totally outed Gabriel after the whole TV-Land adventure? Yeah.
It didn't take him all that long to notice a few key things about Gabriel. First of all, he hung around an awful lot, even just under the pretense of helping them stop the apocalypse. And while the feathery dick spent a lot of time just pissing Dean off, he spent even more time being a pain in Sammy's ass. That was the part that was suddenly very interesting to Dean.
At first he worried that Gabriel had plans for more mind-fuckery for Sam, and that Dean just would not allow. Great celestial being or not, if he messed with Sammy, Dean would gank his ass. But even after weeks of being generally annoying, Dean had to admit that there hadn't been a single hint that Gabriel was aiming at more torture. In fact, if he looked at it from Gabriel's angle, it could actually look like he was trying to be nice to Sam. In a fucked up kinda way.
While Dean got every old fashioned prank ever invented when Gabriel was around, Sam got... stuff. When Dean got short sheeted, Sam got a duffel full of chocolate where his clothes and weapons used to be. When Dean's hair turned pink, Sam's laptop downloaded every single episode of some obscure sci-fi show he liked and promptly erased everything else on his harddrive. When Dean's clothes shrank two sizes, Sam's clothes all changed into silk, smooth leather or the fluffiest goddamn fur Dean had ever felt.
Sam would spend hours and hours bitching over Gabriel messing with his stuff. Dean would also curse and swear, but mostly, Cas was nice enough to help him put things right again and since he was on Dean's side, he kindly ignored all of Dean's plans for retaliation. Not that Dean had ever managed to pull anything off... yet. But now that he was on to Gabriel, things were going to change. That is, if Sammy was game.
Because in Dean's mind there was nothing more guaranteed to release him of any debt, than getting Gabriel hooked up with what was obviously a person of some interest to him. Even if that person happened to be Dean's own brother. And while he couldn't say he actually liked Gabriel, Dean was absolutely convinced that Gabriel had spent a significant amount of his time on Earth having mind-blowing sex, so he had no doubt that if this mission of his came through, Sammy would have a really fucking good time. Pun totally intended.
Frankly, he was starting to worry about Sam, who was being more and more gloomy every day. All right, so there was plenty of reason to be down, what with the freakin' apocalypse looming over them all, but in Dean's mind, that meant that there was all the more reason to drink, fuck and be merry while there was still time.
So the next task was to observe Sam's reactions to Gabriel.
This turned out to be fairly easy. Because to Dean's surprise, every time Gabriel opened his mouth, Sam's eyes shot in his direction and stayed there. No matter what Gabriel said, even if he was just being insulting, he always had Sam's complete attention. Granted, every once in a while, Gabriel actually had something useful to say, so it was a good idea to pay attention. But even Cas was starting to notice that there was some staring going on. And he used to be the champion of the pining stare, so Dean considered him something of an expert on that subject. And so it was only natural for Dean bring Cas in on the plan once he decided how to get out of his debt to an archangel.
“Are you sure that's a good idea, Dean?”
“Of course I'm sure. It's perfect, isn't it? Gabriel will be out of my hair, Sammy will get laid, and then maybe he'll stop being so pissy all the time!” Dean was mildly insulted that Cas would doubt his genius plan, but since he was currently naked and satisfied, he wasn't really upset.
“As much as I would love to agree with you, I really do doubt the merits of this plan of yours,” Cas grumbled. Dean would have been annoyed at that, but hey... naked and satisfied.
“Come on, Cas. You said it yourself! Sammy's pining and Gabriel is at least interested. What could go wrong?”
Cas merely sighed and shook his head, so Dean considered it a win and proceeded to carry out his plan.
Part one involved some tricky planting of evidence on both sides. In Sam's case, things he actually liked began popping up without messing with his stuff. Things like those stupid shake-salads and musty old books. When asked about them, Dean would of course deny everything and since he was the totally trustworthy elder brother, Sam bought it, while all Gabriel's protesting did absolutely nothing to convince Sam of his innocence.
Planting something for Gabriel to find was pretty much one of the most fiddly tasks Dean had ever done and he couldn't be sure Gabriel would actually find it. But since Gabriel apparently had made it his latest hobby to pry into everything he possibly could, Dean thought there was a fair chance for it to cross Gabriel's path, if he put something on Sam's laptop. He ended up asking Cas to write something nice, because writing just wasn't one of Dean's talents. And frankly, Cas turned out to be quite the poet. So in short order, there was a poorly concealed document in one of Sam's folders, only labeled 'Gabriel'.
Dean never actually saw Gabriel snoop around on the laptop, but Sam bitched about his settings being changed all the time, so he assumed it happened fairly often. And sure enough, only two days after putting it there, Gabriel started looking at Sam weirdly.
Part one: Success.
Part two ended up being something of a flop. But then again, Dean got in over his head on that one.
He was stupid enough to venture into territory where he was way out of his league. He tried talking to Sam. Specifically he tried voicing some brotherly concerns about Sam's hermit-like existence and his lack of bedroom action. This only made Sam angry, and before Dean knew what hit him, Sam had yelled some pretty ugly things concerning him and Cas, and left the motel for hours to sulk in the local library. But before Dean had time to grumble over it too much, Gabriel popped up, making it the perfect time for Dean to implement the next part.
In hindsight, he really should have known better.
One little joking question about Gabriel's sexual preferences turned into a brain-searing account of every pagan orgy he'd ever been in, leaving Dean scarred and somewhat put off sex for a while. Which was probably why Cas volunteered to lend a more active hand in the proceedings, despite still thinking it wasn't the best idea.
Part two: Didn't quite go as planned.
However, it did have one unexpected side effect, which Dean counted as a success. Sam came back from his sulk only to announce that if Dean was so adamant that he should get laid, then he was getting his own motel room, so he at least didn't have to listen to Dean and Cas trying and failing to be quiet in the shower or while he was trying to sleep, dammit.
So part two was relabeled as being a partial success.
Now, however, Dean had a new problem. Since Gabriel's favorite target of torment was now in a separate room, Dean's plans got a little harder to execute, much less observe the effects of. But this was where Cas came in really handy. He could tell if Gabriel was in Sam's room just by doing his creepy angel thing and he even agreed to listening in and alerting Dean if anything interesting was going on. To Dean's disappointment, for almost a week nothing at all happened. There was milk in every beer bottle Dean uncapped for a couple of days, but apart from that, even the pranking fell quiet and Gabriel mostly stayed away.
Then Sam found the document on his laptop, which Dean had forgotten all about in his matchmaking frenzy.
Despite his violent protests, for once Sam didn't buy that Dean was innocent, and punished him by having a long, embarrassing conversation about feelings. Sam covered the Dean and Cas love story, Dean's lack of gay freakout, Gabriel's orgies and Cas's willingness to do questionable things for Dean's entertainment, before Dean couldn't take any more and begged for mercy. After that, Dean confessed to maybe being just a little bit of a matchmaker. Just a little tiny bit.
Sam mocked him. Thoroughly. At least until it occurred to him that part of Dean's motivation had been to get out of owing Gabriel something, which apparently amounted to pretty much whoring out your little brother for personal gain. Dean really couldn't see the harm if everybody got something out of it, but even Cas gave him a disapproving frown, which Dean thought was a little hypocritical given how he'd helped with the plan only hours before.
Bottom line was that Sam went off to sulk yet again, and after that Cas would no longer so much as talk about the mission. Not even after Dean tried all his best tricks to persuade him. And those were some really good tricks.
Dean was just about to give up on the entire thing when Gabriel dropped in. Quite literally. He popped up in mid-air, right above the bed where Dean was still trying to convince Cas to help him. Gabriel dropped down right in the middle and Dean totally did not yelp, even though he and Cas were pushed apart hard enough for Dean to tumble to the floor. Luckily he landed right next to his boxers and wasted no time in putting them on, before turning on Gabriel, who seemed endlessly amused by Cas' apparent disregard for his own nakedness.
“Cas, would you please put some pants on or something?” Dean groaned. Gabriel waggled his eyebrows when all Cas did was shrug and pull the sheet over himself.
“Not bad, bro. Not bad at all.”
Dean scowled at Gabriel. “What do you want? Can't you see we're kinda busy?”
Gabriel quirked an eyebrow at Dean. “Well, my little humpin' bunnies, it has come to my attention that there is a wicked plot in progress regarding myself and the giant man-thing. A plot of which I was not informed.”
Dean shuffled uncomfortably. “Yeah, well...”
He couldn't be sure how Gabriel had found out. It could be that Sam told him, but it was just as likely that Gabriel just pulled it right out of Sam's head. A lifetime of repressing everything had made Dean more difficult to read, which he was really happy about when Gabriel was around. But Sam wore everything on his sleeve and more than once Gabriel had embarrassed the hell out of him by commenting on something going on in his head. Either way, Gabriel knew. And that could only be a bad thing.
To Dean's discomfort, Gabriel just smiled and snapped up a lollipop. “Oh, don't worry, Dean-o. I just came to inform you that I am now in the game. It is officially on.” He took one lewd lick of his lollipop before he snapped his fingers with a flourish and disappeared.
All Dean could do was stand there and say: “... Fuck.”
Which turned out to be a very fitting response. Because after that, Dean's life became one long line of mortifying experiences. Gabriel clearly hadn't been lying when he said he was in the game. Because now he was very openly wooing Sam. In every sense of the word.
He filled Sam's room with flowers to such an extent that Sam fled to Dean's for two days.
He seranaded Sam. Loudly. For hours.
He made rose petals rain down on Sam for an entire day where ever he went, which made going out impossible.
And worst of all, Sam clearly blamed Dean for all of it. It came to a point where anything Dean said to Sam was countered with variations of 'I hate you.'
“Morning, Sammy.”
“Hate you.”
“Want some coffee?”
“I don't want anything from people I hate.”
“How about a donut?”
“I hate donuts. And you.”
Yeah. Dean's life wasn't exactly going smoothly. But just when he thought it couldn't get worse... it did.
One day... one horrible day, Sam apparently decided that enough was enough. But instead of putting a stop to it like any sane person would have, he started giving back as good as he got, to Dean's never ending discomfort. Suddenly there were the most disgustingly cute pet names flying across the room, raunchy suggestions were eagerly traded and sappy looks were exchanged constantly. Gabriel was baffled for all of ten seconds before he got back to it, more enthusiastic than ever.
They were at it for over a week. An entire week where Dean could hardly bear being in the same room with his brother and the archangel, apparently set on acting out every disgusting romance scene ever depicted on screen or page in the history of ever. And the worst part was that nothing actually ever happened. It was like some awful caricature of the early days of Dean and Cas, apart from the fact that Sam at least wasn't taking it seriously. One could never know with Gabriel.
Dean finally resorted to begging them to cut it out. Sam replied with his best bitch-face and Gabriel just sang louder, so in the end, Dean ended up promising Cas whatever he could possibly want, if he would just try and talk some sense into Gabriel. Either Cas was a pushover for begging or he had also had enough of the endless Valentine's special going on. In the end he agreed to at least try to address the issue with Gabriel. So one morning, after about twenty minutes of Gabriel singing 'That's Amore' and Sam nodding along as if it was the best song ever, Cas convinced Gabriel to come with him to wherever angels went for privacy.
When they came back, Cas just sent Gabriel a stern look before taking Dean out to a bar, leaving a somewhat subdued Gabriel and a puzzled Sam behind. When they came back to the motel some time after midnight, Cas informed Dean that Sam was in bed and Gabriel had gone somewhere else. All of Dean's questions went unanswered, so there was nothing he could do but go to bed himself and hope that the next day would be more bearable.
The next day dawned... weirdly. Sam showed up in Dean's room early with his laptop as usual, settling down for more research as if nothing at all out of the ordinary had happened in the last few weeks. Gabriel didn't show up all day and Dean was torn between worry that his genius plan had somehow chased off their most powerful ally and relief that the most annoying creature he had ever known wasn't around anymore.
The day after that, Gabriel popped in again. He sent Dean a look that spelled doom for any comment uttered, and nodded curtly at Cas before settling down in an armchair. For the rest of the day he only spoke if spoken to and mostly just spent his time looking at Sam. Sam just ignored Gabriel as much as he could. Dean was too freaked out to actually say anything and Cas, who wasn't able to keep up even his end of a normal conversation, was just not equipped to handle that many hours of silence. So it was a really tense day.
After that, things settled down. Sort of. The research went slowly but steadily ahead. Hunting was easy with two angels tagging along. And somewhere along the way, Dean started noticing something new. Gabriel had slowly gone back to being annoying around Dean, but Sam apparently got off scot-free now. Gabriel would still hang around and look at Sam, but he never actually did anything. And after a while, Sam started looking back. When Dean noticed this, it was suddenly impossible to ignore, and soon enough he started feeling really sorry for Sam having had to live with something like that when he and Cas were still not going anywhere beyond the soul-deep gazing. Because this? This was frustrating. Seriously. It made Dean want to get laid, and he wasn't even the one exposed to all the damn sexual tension suddenly saturating the room all day, every day.
And then one evening, Sam went back to his room early, Gabriel snapped himself away to somewhere and not five minutes later, Cas smiled to himself.
“What?” Dean asked suspiciously. Cas didn't smile a lot, so it was always a little disturbing when it happened.
Cas just smiled even wider and nodded to himself. “I believe you would say: 'mission accomplished'.”
It took Dean a few moments to catch on, but then he leered to himself. “All riiiight!” Then he sobered slightly and cast Cas a suspicious look.
“Wait... what exactly did you say to Gabriel?”
Cas got sort of a sappy look on his face and took Dean's hand. “I merely suggested to him that he follow his own advice of sending the right signals.”
Dean grinned. Cas was awesome. No doubt about that. And now Dean was free of his debt. Because it was clearly Dean who got them together with his excellent planning. Yup. It totally was.
End.