Good out of emotional craziness

"I think sometimes we go through intense emotions to learn about ourselves and come out on the other side. You have nothing to give anyone, unless you take care of yourself first; which includes going through intense emotions." -- S.D. (a good friend of Erik and I)

The agony of pain can be an obsession with refusing to look at what's behind your assumptions. To feel without seeking the release of self understanding can lead to inner destruction. To give into that without moving your focus is what drive many in our society to end their life. It is only when we recognize that our emotions do not define us, but rather it's what is behind our beliefs that dictates our reality. We project this as a subjective experience that draws our focus. Thereby creating more of what we feel.

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Journal entry --Feb. 21 2012

Something is up with me. I am not sure what. I feel really odd. Almost like my body is not my own. Like there is this pressure above and outside and on the top, front and back of my head. And I feel stuffed in there, and as though the rest of me don't fit, so it's not even in me in the middle any more. Like a puppet or something. Like I am high on drugs, drunk or on energy. I also feel slightly spacey.

Last night I allowed myself, I guess; to indulge in some of the craziest emotional whoohaw, I've felt in a long time. I literally felt like I was going out of my mind with craziness.

For some reason. I took the slightest foggiest thing the boys relayed through Robert and ran with it to the shadows. Mixed it with all my insecurities, fears, doubts, and self love issues and let it explode in my face so I could roll around in it.

Kinda like how you know, certain people can say something and it just sets you off, or later on after they leave you start to obsess on it, and it goes viral?

It was like that cept it was so bad I literally wanted to die. And I don't even like talking about it cause other than one or two people, I think everyone else wouldn't couldn't understand and would judge me insane, schizoid, crazy, lame, stupid, not worth their time. All I can say is i wanted out really really bad.

Here some of the lameness of what set me off.

* I was trying to talk to Robert about how Seth describes souls, over-souls, entities, and groupings vs what others have said via the stuff I read about. We were also talking about all of our personalities, and some experiences and I dunno, it was all pretty woo woo. Basically in the course of conversation, at a certain point I started fishing for affection. I pretty much just wanted Erik and or Robert to comment somehow that I was family to them, and was loved or some shit like that. Instead all I got was more of "everyone's connected junk"... Which I took really poorly cause why did Erik spend all that time and effort on me before he was born and after he died if I was just another spirit to him. Why drag me along and give me all those experiences to ignore me now.

*At another point I was describing some odd spirit communication sensations I'd noticed from time to time. In that When I tried to "tune-into" Eric, Erik or whomever...It would almost feel like they were distracted or busy, via multitasking or whatever. And in fact, that's what they told me. But through Robert Erik said that they told me that and let me think that because what they were really doing was pushing me away or shutting me out cause they didn't want to communicate with me or see what they were doing. Or some shit like that. Which I found really offensive. Because from my point of view... why is it ok for them to know EVERYTHING about me, and I know zip about them? Why is it ok for them to stop by and know everything 24/7, but when I want friendship, love, or just to say hello, I get zip. Why am I even trying?

*Then we were talking about how Spirits have told me before that sometimes certain activities or dealing with us drains them. And so then they can't do certain things cause they don't have the energy. Erik mentions that sometimes peoples fear, doubt, pain, anger is so bad that they really have to focus and project super hard to get through. And then supposedly Eric said, alot of the "heavy" stuff he's experienced with me was like that. Which I kind of took offense to because if it were not for all this spiritual crap my life would be fine. Before all this shit started happening, I was perfectly content with my life. I did not view it as low anything, or dense or a problem. Certainly NOT enough to attract negative low level entities and spirits to me to haunt me! I still to this day don't see anything that was wrong with my life then. OR my attitude. Which led me to bitch about my perception of Roberts mediumship. Sometimes his personality comes through really strongly and it just puts this tinge on communications. For example, Erik seems much more gritty, sarcastic, course, and uncompassionate through him than he has been with me. I dunno.. I also have this huge fear thing that I feel like I can't ask him anything for fear of him channeling, when all I want is to talk to Robert. Not dead folks. And then I wish I could really talk to Erik unfettered, but then I also have huge huge trust issues with all of them. I question everything.

* I am soooo sick of feeling like I go through all these experiences, like someone in grade-school. Half answers, illusion, misled, set up, lied to, spoon fed, never sat down and talked to like an adult. Never seeing an accurate picture. Always feeling along. Always confused. Always trying so hard to keep up, learn, do better, make a difference, improve, then feeling like I get no encouragement, shot down, disappointed, and then overwhelmed, burnt out, left dealing with a sea of angry, grieving, in pain people, I have no idea what to do with or how to react around. All with those physically around me who have no clue, don't believe, and I have zero outlet. I am just tired and burnt out. With a couple of exceptions like Nikki and Sherry everyone seems to want something or dump on me.

Soooooo.... Last night... after I got off the phone.... I was totally fine. I was. My spouse comes home... Tells me is home every night for the next 3 weeks, and was hoping for home cooked meals and attention. Me... thinking, oh great. No quiet time. TV 24/7 and no privacy, no time to practice channeling, zip. Which is lame, I should be working on my relationship not avoiding it. Anyway, so that irritated me. Then I started thinking about all I related above, and then I started getting obsessed and angry. Then I just got in this mood where I wanted to rage. I don't know why. I started getting really resentful. And basically tried to totally clamp down, focus on it, and shut everything out. Which then devolved into intensive self hate. frustration. And I reached a certain point, I didn't even want help. I just wanted more pain. And I wanted death. Like I was going to exile myself to oblivion and darkness just so I could avoid everything and everyone, and told everyone to go to hell and rot. I repeatedly seemed to chase everyone in spirit off.

Then at one point super late at night, I stated that I just didn't try Erik and Eric, and that the only one I felt of late I could trust for some unknown reason was Earl, "Nikki's dad". Although I have no clue why. I asked him for help actually.....I suddenly felt like I was floating out of body in a spiraling motion, and I heard a man's voice I didn't recognize say externally in the room, "move". And then I seemed to be fine. It was the weirdest thing ever. I was still in a funky mood off an on, but I was suddenly able to sleep. In fact when I woke up this morning, for all that shit... I strangely felt really rested..... which is very unusual for me. I told Angel and Lydia (my guide and Angel) that I didn't want anyone around me for a while except them.

It was the freakiest thing ever. Serious... It was similar to what happened in October. I literally felt out of my flipped mind. I am just glad I am not addicted to anything, there's no booze, pills, or guns in the house... it was soo bad. And the funny thing is, is that intellectually I know those things were just emotional triggers for emotional shit for me to work on. And I am fine now, except for this weird energy sensation I am having.

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Journal entry. Feb 22, 2012

I dunno why but I always feel like, my whole life... as though waiting for someone to tell me I am either A: going to hell, or B: going insane, and C: going to be alone cause I suck

I know that for 90% of the population, that they would sign me up for medication or hand me the gun. Or just complete not get it. That's ok. For those who are spiritually sensitive, Like my friend Niki, and Sherry, I know they get it. They help me get through things like this.

The following is more of what life can feel like for someone who is spiritually sensitive trying to make it through life. It's like learning to ride a bike.

How do I process, come to terms, sort out, understand what I experience? I stand before experiences felt that I do not or can not fully understand. I find that to even try makes my head hurt and my heart ache. It's not a pain of suffering it's more of a desire. As Robert has said, for comfort. For Love, For belonging, For understanding. I look from side to side and know not where to go. I look to the right and find a sea of relationships I don't understand. Of those half are with me in the physical. I know they are role-played. I know there is more, and that the emotions engendered from them do not define them or me. Even so, I feel detached. And I judge that as cold, and somewhat sad, in that I wish I could give more. Then the other half; is the dis-incarnate. I have intense feelings of all types. But the source of them as well as the experiences are veiled in dimensional half sight. Truth seems illusive and unattainable. I look to the left and I see a world around me. A world I am not that fond of per say. And on the other hand I see me in that world and I half sense a greater me, that I can't remember but deeply long for. My mind body rejects the physical and so it hurts. Which only increases my confusing experiences. Some days, the physical pain, the dispassion for life around me, and the disinterest for that which I was born into, leaves me with empty dull hollow feelings that I cover up with a forced smile, and a cheerful duty to find something productive to do. Yet at the same time. That illusive subjective part of myself mixes with the half veiled world and the people I can't remember and never met. The feelings associated with such experiences leave me breathless for more, and give me an ache I know can never be mended. And so life feels exhausting. a burden. A clock ticking down to the unknown, that can never be known. Oh simple quiet unthinking bliss. I know your not in emptiness, but I despair at not knowing release. Brain turn off! Pain depart! Desire leave me be. Silence is met only by the ringing in my ears and the hunger to know more. It is a great wheel I do not know how to stop, but to try to keep my balance lest I fall off. I know how to ride it. I've done it before. I am good at it, but I get tired sometimes.... so tired, I fear I may fall off.

It's during those times, I look up from the rushing ground and look to my back, and see you riding tandem with me. And I know that I can rely on you to pedal for a while. Keep that balance for me. I think that's why people choose life together. Life is never a race to balance a bike. Life is about inner balance. Life is better tandem'd together. A shared journey lets us breathe and look at the scenery. Lets us feel not the rushing ground, but the gentle breezes.

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Nikki to Jason. Feb 21, 2012

I think Robert is playing bad cop here. We can talk about this more some day, but ..Im just sayin there is wayyyyy more to this story. This is your journey not mine, but you are better than ALL of that. And you are MY family and Eric's and Earl's. there is no separation with any of us, Robert, Erik, Elisa et al. BUT DAMMIT WE (YOUR FAMILY) HAS GOT YOUR BACK and dont effin forget it...

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Jason to Nikki. Feb. 21, 2012

lol... I was wondering what you were typing! The past 20 min. I thought my head was going to catch fire it was so buzzing and hot!

You all are awesome btw!!! I feel a lot of the weirdness I felt this morning was so that I would type all that shit up and work it out. Cause I feel soooo much better now

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Nikki to Jason. Feb 21, 2012

im glad ...the only comment that i typed earlier that matters is this.

"And then suposidly Eric said, alot of the "heavy" stuff he's experienced with me was like that. Which I kind of took offense to because if it were not for all this spiritual crap my life would be fine"

ok you are taking everything literal and negative. you are here to experience all of this and there is no way in hell we would have met had it not been for the spirit stuff. Seriously, this had to be. Why are you doubting what you clearly planned? And Eric is there for you..to be honest Im kind of pissed. you still dont trust him...he says one word and you take offense. Honestly I would trust Eric over Robert. did Eric lie to Robert or was robert fucking with you? Did you HEAR eric? if so, fine...but that whole thing sounds soooo out of character for my eric. Im sure I didnt really know him, how could I have, hell he took his life and I didnt see that coming. But I have never known him to hurt anyone...EVER. this is the kid that sat at the lunch table with the fat kid that was bullied for petes sake.

I typed this earlier and I am not pissed but I do think there is a significant amount of role playing going on here. I cant make you trust Eric, Earl, Nonnie (rose), Cyn and I , but I can only say, thus far, we have been nothing but there for you! Im sure there is a reason my dad stepped in. You are awesome, and the fact that you are relying on Robert is wrong. Just days ago you did an amazing job at channeling. Focus on the good, I wish you could have known my dad...he was likened to a saint that drank beer, Manhattans and smoked cigars. Such a kind man. Eric had a heart of gold as well. And me well, that temper is not going away any time soon but you could never be loved more than I love you. EVER.

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Jason to Nikki. Feb 22, 2012

Funny story. What made me come to this realization was. That last night I was sleeping in the basement, cause I was sick. And after midnight the dog comes running down stairs barking. I woke up with a start, and walked upstairs to see what was up. There was Boo starring at nothing in the kitchen barking. I felt spirits around and I turned around and said aloud, stop messing with the dog, and I rolled my eyes in amusement. I then checked my email. And I noticed that Ceridwen sent me the update on her husband's status. Spirit messing with Boo to wake me up for the message??!? I was startled, because I had the thought,

Well. One major lesson in all my selfishness fit i learned the hard way. Is that when i focus on myself like that, selfishness and death, is that i have nothing for others, for life and for healing. Through all of that craziness I forgot and neglected to send reiki to not only my injured family, but to ceridwen and her husband who was having open heart surgery....there was tons and tons of opportunities gor it as well but i was sooo fixated on my ridiculousness, selfishness, and silly shit i missed and opportunity to help where i might have.

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Nikki to Jason. Feb 22, 2012

true maybe an opportunity lost. but you cant beat yourself up over it.

For me it was eye opening....it helped ME, so dont feel like it was totally selfish

from yesterday

All I can say is i wanted out really really bad.

you know, maybe the boys are allowing you to feel what they felt. because as a mom, I cannot even begin to imagine eric feeling so bad I want to die. I cannot for the life of me, grasp that it is even possible to feel that way. You saying this...makes me think it is real and very much a possibility. You are not crazy.

you should never worry about failing. EVER You didn't fail you experienced, that was/is the plan. Nice to know you feel better :)

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Jason's journal entry.

Both thought trains, make me pause. The idea that the suddenly out of my mind experience was another chance to experience how emotions can carry us away if we refuse to look at what is behind them. As well. It brought about missed opportunities to serve others. But additionally such things can have good effects. So that often, it's not really useful to judge ourselves. As we never have the bigger picture until we experience ourselves and let ourselves feel.