Embedded Files
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10-31-2013
"Metaphysical Math...................
How to define yourself in the moment."
B * { E + (PV - KR) }
_____________________ = PU
J
Where:
B is belief
E is expectations
PV is point of view
KR is known reality
J is judgement
PU is perceived understanding
Your intention, feelings, and actions are all modifiers that can affect each variable.
"One's point of view minus a known reality is added to expectation, who's total is multiplied by belief and then who's sum is divided by judgement. This value will give us the perceived understanding of self in any given moment."
The moments of our lives in any given life can be defined by many things, including math. To really understand the equations of our life, we need to put effort into understanding how we define each of it's variables. In many cases this exploration is the reason for living, or the purpose of life. It is in solving these equations that creation happens. Each understanding gives new answers and meaning to the hypothesis of self creation we put forth to the universe. Each variable can take many lifetimes to understand. Change the assigned value of any variable, the answer changes. We are never just one answer. We are never limited to one variable's value. Change the view and understanding. Are your numbers unsatisfactory? Change one of the variables. Change your life. Change your reality.
The trick to understanding this equation is in learning to let go of what you don't know, can't know, are not ready to know, and be at peace with what you do know, and what you can learn, do, and see. The rest is self fulfilling worry. It may seem that because we do not have the value to one of these variables, that life is unsolvable, or that it is wrong, or even in error. That is a the great illusion of incarnation. Each of these values are forever in motion. The only thing that is ever solved is this moment defined. That is who we are. Who we were in the past or who we might become is a totally different equation and not who we are right now. Each moment is a unique number carrying a value only we can ever assess, solved from variables only we can discern.
Which is why it's so important not to worry. Trusting that we hold creation in our hands inherently gives us the faith that we are forever solving the puzzel of who we are. It is the great hope of each lifetime that we can let go of what isn't us, and build on what we are in any given moment. It is how we approach this process that helps us in the search for the value to any given variable in this equation. And while you may find yourself spending a few lives or moments learning about a particular variable, eventually you'll understand it and who you are with it. When that happens you'll have a better understanding of how it fits into solving yourself in each moment's equation. Eventually you'll have enough awareness and understanding that you can solve who you are in any given moment with little effort. You will have mastered the course of 'you within humanity'. Even then, a Degree doesn't fully define you. You are always more than the sum of 'experience in time'.
Better to not worry and know life is not about grades or passing, rather it's about coming up with your own answers given the variables you see. You can spend every moment in your head thinking about how to assign a number to any aspect of life. It's really not necessary to solve anything or grasp for numbers. It's often easier to remember that we create numbers by default dancing to the ever changing rhythm of co-created life. The key is to remember that it's OK to change the variables. It's not cheating, it's creating who we are in any given moment. That's a life worth living.
***
We are a society who likes to see itself through the lens of a duality.
In reality, duality is the greatest of illusions.
Understanding ones personal delusions to this will help one see past this.
***
I often find that truth can not be defined by objective observation or even what I tell myself should be truth. For me, Truth has remained revealed by what I feel in spite of thought, belief, and actions. Because of that I think we are not defined by our experiences, thoughts or even beliefs about ourselves, but we are defined by how we see ourselves when we feel. So in a sense I think that even what may seem like a bad experience, hurtful, or negative experience, in the end it is not who we are, rather it is simply a moment that we can express what is beautiful about ourselves. I think it's like the spark of a fire. We may fear it go out and we linger on the darkness, but with one breath it may be the all consuming fire, warming and lighting our way. It can be beautiful. Life can be beautiful. Will you be the destroyer, or the fire bringer. Will you be a light or let the spark die. The only way to tell, is by allowing yourself to feel. You'll never know just how beautiful that can be unless you allow it. That's why we live.
Feeling it is the only way to really know you're Alive. It's life.
***
One of the things that frequently seems to amaze or evade me; about others AND myself;
Is this:
Comfort, peace, balance, and inner joy comes best and easiest IF I focus on 'what is my personal responsibility in the moment?' or 'what is my individual daily effort in life?'
In hind sight I've noticed when I don't bring that to the fore of my mind, or I let it drift away, that I can become easily bogged down with life's dramas and attachments. I like to tell myself this.... 'Instead of why is this happening; why do I feel like shit; I hate, don't want, wish, coulda, shoulda, woulda....';
Instead I try to say.... "I am doing; I am, I can, This makes me happy, Everything has a reason even if I don't understand, Everyone has their own path and it's OK, I am more than this, It's OK to let it go."
I suspect a lot of people, myself included have then wondered if this way of thinking is just apathy. I think the difference between apathy and this way of thinking, is engagement and asking questions. As long as I am honest with myself and keep attempting to engage and question who I am, how I see myself will guide my feet. Then I'll be more likely to find that comfort, peace, balance and happiness I hope for. The rest is just life's scenery. Don't worry be happy is more than just a mantra.
***
I've never felt comfortable with other peoples pain or expressions of emotion. I think perhaps that's why I've consistently found myself in situations where that presents itself. Looking back at those pointed situations, in themselves squirming with discomfort I notice that it took a lot to learn that others reactions or lack there of was none of my business. I can't own or take responsibility for others beliefs, emotions or actions.
***
If your life could sound out a call,
how would you use your mind and body to answer?
It's not about sounds you hear,
you out in the world.
It's about music you make,
as you pass through life.
As sound every season,
every reason true,
it's the sound created
when presented with opportunity
to be yourself
is loudest heard.
FEEL something
at any moment,
for good or ill
listen or try to shut it out.
But when you are able
play your soul's song
in-spite of all that sounds,
the music of your heart
will carry you
to where-ever you need to be.
***
My grandfather once said to me,
"Don't become good at what you don't like"
In other words, "Work at doing what you do like, and you will grow to do it well."
Many times in life I would find myself wallowing in painful emotions that seemed to freeze me in pain. I have always been a bit of a glutton for self punishment and debilitating habits. It often seemed easier to beat myself up than step outside of limiting beliefs I held about myself. Be it anger, depression, self hate, shame, jealousy, escapism, I often wondered at what would seem a humorous twisted pride in nursing such emotion. But I've found if something gives you sorrow, disturbance, or other emotional resistance, you can re-evaluate and see if you can go about it in a new way. You can ask yourself, 'perhaps I can let go of it and do something totally different'. The more you focus on what you don't like, can't do, shouldn't do, or is being done to you, the more it will affect you. But should you wish to have a more positive effect and a more positive experience in life, look to the opposite. What do you like, what can you do, what are you doing now. While it's vital to sit with our emotions to explore their source and who we are in them, it's important to remember that they are not us, nor do they define us. There will come a threshold where you can not sit any longer with them, that you must then take action and do to move past them. Better to do in service to yourself, and what is akin to how you see yourself than not. This is a process. It takes time. Don't worry, it's worth it. I know many times it seems like we will never be able to get past judging ourselves for the way we are feeling. But just as it's a good idea to have charity and forgiveness towards others, it can be an even better idea to have charity and forgiveness towards ourselves and how we are feeling. We are human. If we do our best to let go of what is worrisome, we will eventually be able to let go of worry itself and trust in who we are and stop believing what we are not. This is one of the most courageous things you can do in life. It is a reason to live a life.
***
Nov. 2013--
Back from
my nephew's funeral last Thursday. We are doing good. I was fairly emotionally detached the whole time, beyond imagining what sentiments I'd put into being a good or shitty uncle or interacting with the kid or what not. Every-time someone would come up to me and tell me they were so sorry, my mental dialogue would want to say, "well, I am not. The lucky fucker didn't have to be here long and got to go home early".
I did have some anger early on as I thought it was a really shitty thing to put a parent through if we choose our parents. But then again, it's one of those things that can't really be appreciated while in the body I think. There really isn't anything one can say regardless of belief to comfort a parent in that situation. I found myself just having to be there in silence and just listen or help out. I am not a big fan of platitudes a lot of people give at a funeral. People always bawl about how sorry they are, but to me that's such a western pile of crap. Of course your sad and feel bad and what ever. You showed up, so of course you care. That sort of thing. Personally I think it is really emotional for everyone involved, but from a certain perspective I don't know that it's all just sad and horrible. I mean, there is something really powerful, raw, gritty, and primitive, even pure about the basic love for a parent and an infant. This sort of unconditional all encompassing love within the care-giving for a special needs child doesn't really leave room for anything else. You know from the view point of people watching, from the kids view point, and the parents, of course there is more. But it's a really primal emotional experience I don't think a soul, body or whatever can get any other way. I was thinking, 'well gee why would someone want to go through that. I think like I said,
it's more about a soul perspective. Maybe in a past life they had a really shitty life, was abused or they were scared to be born or live, so this time around they just wanted a super short test run, but wanted super love, super cared for but without having to really do anything, just feel and experience the body. I dunno. Maybe the parents offered that experience or maybe the baby wanted the parents with love, grief, belief, or perspective something or another. Interestingly enough the parents kept saying over and over again to people, 'he was such a gift'. On a related note, with as a serious medical condition as he had, one would expect a violent painful death. But he died peacefully while being held by his mom with his dad and brother sitting beside him.
Who knows. In any case I am just glad it didn't go on longer than it did. They are so exhausted, physically, emotionally, and financially. And I am glad it didn't happen at Christmas time.
***
Memory slides into recollection of emotion, all else fades.
***
Failing not all else, Speak your truth. It's the most important thing about your life that no one else will do. Life, history and memory is not about anyone or thing but how you see yourself within it. No one has enough so called facts to speak another's truth. The only thing you do own, the only thing you can share, is how you express you - being you. Speak truth; Speak your truth. Hold it like a lover and let go of what no longer 'represents', with compassion for how you feel.
***
Though we be touched by death,
caressing unwritten endings,
our hearts play songs of beauty.
Should have we the ears to hear,
It may be our fingers learn to endear.
Written, spoken, told ~ allowed.
***
What we see of life
is but the shadows
cast upon the ground.
Its realness,
illusion passing
before our eyes.
Fear not the heat
of fires
nor the blindess
of light.
For so faced upon,
blind to unseen,
it matters not.
For real life
can not be seen
in shadow,
but in what we reflect.
***
Honor how you see while giving honor to others view.
***
Validity of comfort vs the anguish of doubt. It all boils down to a choice.
It's all about choosing what feels like you and letting go of worry.
***
Don't get lost in the vastness of the past. It is too much. Look at the feelings that seem to hold you still. Within that emotion make a practice of looking at the memory and make what matters simple. Within that smallness will reside the largest truths about your experience. It's these tenets about your life that generate how you experience reality, drawing others to you.
***
While societies may endure for a time, they will never succeed, and can not evolve lasting achievements unless they find it within themselves to bring dignity and compassion for all it's social classes. This means understanding while that the individual is unique and has certain rights, this also means that we can understand that we do not just live our lives, but that we live for each other. This becomes not a shared responsibility but shared cultural value. It may not come to pass that we are able to realize this, but that we keep reaching for it speaks of humanity's potential. It's the great hope that we find the faith, not that life continues, but that we can create a life in the image of that hope.
***
Story's, Drama, Books, Multimedia, The internet, Film, The stories of our lives and beyond, all knowledge; How does the world hear your story. How do you hear? I think the audience is or will always be limited by subject. Not just the scope of subject, but rather by how well it lets people reflect their selves. What of the speaker, writer, or story teller's words or work enables the listener to look in-upon themselves and see themselves in a new light? In certain ways that's why there is such a wide range of success, ie. books, etc., about single views, subjects or stories. To last, the material has to change beyond the experiencer and become experienced anew by each person it touches. Many topics only motivate people to reach for things outside of themselves. Sensation. Excitement. Escape. And while those have power, it's the stories that help others reach inside themselves that last.
***
Most emotions are self imposed burdens, only they are not always appropriately imposed. It's our inattention and false attachment that is the true burden. Rationalization is a poor defense against misunderstood feelings and unlooked at beliefs. Bolstered by experience, what can be accepted passes beyond feeling and what isn't quite understood guides us to future action. Many of our burdens can be thrown off and released simply by not denying them. Those that remain can help us rest, knowing they will never define us but rather inform our discovery of who we really are.
***
Q & A cont.,
Q) How do you know when you might be better served letting go of a feeling, view, belief, someone or thing?
A)
When you find yourself obsessing or 'holding space' for an emotion to the detriment of other aspects of your life. It's not 'the emotion' or 'feeling the emotion' that is good or bad, its' the action or 'lack there of' as a result of said emotion that you evaluate (often to the point of obsession or attachment).
When you observe yourself in this state you may come to feel that you are nurturing attachments of poorly assigned value, misunderstanding, or unexplored understanding; or you may find that you are starving yourself of holistically "expressing" emotions in favor of feeling a singular emotion. This state is an extremely narrow focus and very often cyclical in nature, recreating itself over and over again until the focus can be halted or the space created for it is released. Letting go isn't about saying goodbye or denial. It's about changing focus, very often easiest at it's most simple.
If it's too hard. Make it simple. If what you feel isn't about who you are, why stay in that space, what can you do today about that simple question?
Letting go isn't about saying goodbye or denial. It's about changing simple focus. Don't worry, there is nothing to worry about. What feels like you? Keep. That feeling will stay. What doesn't? Let go. It will fade into memory.
***
In letting go of things and realizing that you remain, there is a certain feeling of immortality.
There seems to be an even greater sense of liberation, from letting go of who you thought you were, must be, or might be.
I think seeing that I've remained is the universe's way of showing me that I never really was, but that I am.
From this stemmed a great sense freedom, for I had nothing to hold onto, nothing to want, and nothing to give up.
***
It's somewhat pointless to judge any singular lifetime. Each has purpose, reason and perspective that can only be perceived outside of itself. All the more reason not to be too harsh.
***
Everything is in motion - by default.
Sometimes in life, we focus so hard on what we don't want or want, that it becomes a stopping mechanism.
But this is an illusion. An emotional delusion.
In reality movement can not be stopped, it can only change direction or transform itself. So rather than focusing on what we want or don't want, or the feelings those wants engender, it is often useful to just go with the flow and realize what you encounter in life are not barriers, but the conditions the 'movement of choice and belief' flow through.
Go with the flow. Left, right., keep up the momentum, speed it up, slow it down, but realize that it can't be stopped. For in attempting to stop movement one will only create an illusionary stagnation, a spinning of your wheels as life passes you by. If you feel something you don't like, make a choice, a new direction, or slow down and examine it, but know this. All speed is relative. All remains in motion. Swim against the current, float, or paddle in a new direction.
Each of our emotions in turn carry a momentum, a motion. Some are full of turmoil and some speed along, and others like Hope, float. It is when we examine ourselves in these emotions that we find ourselves with opportunity to make choices about our direction. This motion, this momentum and direction is what some would call destiny. Destiny is not so much about something ordained, something decided, or a fate beyond us, but rather it is about what we are likely to encounter given our direction and the probability it will be created given our present movement. When we accept who we are within these motions, the movements of life as we see it; we feel more free to pick and choose actions within various emotional states. This is non resistance to life. To what is around us and acceptance of our inner core. It's this state of being that enables experiences in-line with who we are.
I firmly believe we can't change others views, beliefs, or make them accept truth as we see it. Optimally we can only state our own truth, and should another need it, they pick and choose from your understanding what would enhance their present view. As life and view; as all is in motion; Everything changes all the time. What we see can not be about us or a true reflection of who we are, thus there really isn't any point to get too attached to anothers view, reaction or lack there of, or to the point of becoming upset over it. Now the kicker is this. You are never alone. You are in a system of shared realities. Every action and reaction can have an equal but opposite movement. By default we are forced to interact in communities of understanding and co-creation. That's why it's important to not hold attachment to our emotions, our beliefs, and the like of others, but rather than striving for apathy, ignoring life, or giving up, we might be better served making conscious choices so that we move in a direction that brings us understanding and comfort.
So you see, life isn't so much about doing, or not doing, as it is about actively expressing ourselves in every moment of every day. Every-time we encounter an emotion that gives us the opportunity to steer this motion, it is then that we really know we are alive.
***
I am just like the next guy. I make choices that don't serve me well. I do it all the time, almost everyday. I am no different than anyone else. Sometimes I feel furious, sometimes mad, sometimes depressed, sometimes all I can focus on is what I don't want or obsess about what I think I want. Most of the time my physical body is in very real debilitating pain due to illness. I have a tendency to beat myself up and nurse really dark emotions. For me, these not so much road blocks nor statements to my state of being. There not about me attracting anything or me creating. But rather they are chances for me to express myself, and remember who I am on the inside and point myself in that direction in spite of what I feel. Granted a lot of times, the pain of the road is so bad, I feel I have no choice but to try and float within what I feel. Emotionally or within physical pain. I always find when I can find myself within whatever I experience and float, I can achieve a certain sense of comfort so that the pain doesn't define my experience anymore. That's my hope, and I know Hope floats with little resistance. So it's my New Years resolution to find a little bit of myself in everything, every day, and let it be, so that I can simply be. It's my hope that you will find pain floating away from you as I watch it float away from me.
***
Sometimes in life, silence follows us.
Not because there is nothing to say,
but because what is unsaid or has been said,
reminds us of what needs to be healed;
Not knowing how - we clam-up, run, fight, cry, and
focus on anything but what we are feeling;
Not knowing how to express what we need we focus on,
we focus on what we don't want,
causing us to forget what we need to remember.
Sometimes I forget to tell myself I am not afraid to love,
Myself and others.
To say I love you and I am grateful for you.
To see that I am hurting and
I love that I chose this
as an opportunity to heal.
I may not be able to express it right now to you,
but I feel this and
someday I'd want you to know.
Thank you. It's gonna be OK.
***
Sometimes, success in life can be defined by being able to live what brings you joy without second guessing yourself or allowing others judgement guide how you see yourself.
***
A recent coversation I had with my friend Nikki about her deceased son (also named Eric but with a c), who at the time had been on my mind.
I wrote the following to her:
Recently, I've found myself looking at students who come in and out of my library. As they whisk past me on their way to class I've caught myself thinking;
"Geeeesshhh..... Youth really IS wasted on the young".
Today, I was walking across campus to a meeting.
Thousands of students (17-20s) crossing my path in a pellmell cloud of movement. I found myself looking at these young adults in the prime of their lives. Peak of physicality, youth, beauty, energy, stamina, and with the whole wide wold of possibilities awaiting them.
I turned inward and recalled myself at that age and remembered how strong and motivated I was. How when depression and emotional turbulence touched me it didn't move me. I remember thinking in bafflement about how anyone would kill themselves. I found it inconceivable, and perhaps a weakness in others. I remember me. Arrogant, prideful, and vain as a peacock, Surely I'd never understand those that wanted to leave life early.
Looking back I think it was all just a defense mechanism for someone how refused to let emotions touch him. Defense against those who hurt me in the past. Stuff them down deep inside and push people away and I'd never get hurt again.
And so I think it's been dawning on me, this deep dichotomy, this chance that I had in my mid-life to not only have all my past emotions forced on me and confront them, but that I'd be confronted with the suicides of people who like me were at the prime of their lives, yet killed themselves.
And yet it was only as time passed and when looking at this in my older age and growing disability that I could see the inner value for what the fullness of youth and life is, and was at that age., and thinking about how many young people don't realize what they have.
I remember reading that dis-incarnates often say how much they respect and honor us for going into life. I recalled with a laugh, that I always would call bullshit on that comment, not understanding what they meant, unable to conceive of those feelings.
A couple years ago I remember once, when I was bitterly complaining how I just wanted to be done with life; One of the boys said to me, "Oh No!, you're not getting out of this one. Your going to finish it this time."..... I was shocked and appalled at such words. What did he mean by that?
Little did I know that suddenly soon, I'd be hit with all the emotions of yester-year, other peoples emotions, and experiences that would overwhelm me. Little did I know that I'd experience mental turmoil, depression and suddenly experience physical illness beyond my control. I think the process of working that out, coming to terms with it and then reflection has given me a new perspective on life.
As I was walking back from my meeting across campus in the fall of my life and in the spring of all these thousands of students around me; As I made my way in the pellmell of youth passing me by, I remembered what those dis-incarnates said.
They honor us for our choices, they respect us for living, and place great value on our lives. The fullness of life is a very very hard journey, and one that can't be realized fully without sticking it out, and that's a part of why such value and respect is placed on life.
It's not only until it's taken away, that one fully realizes the value of life's potential. Maybe that's one of the gifts those who have died have given us. Maybe suicide isn't just about the life of the one leaving or life being taken away, but it's about a call for US to live. To honor our OWN lives, To respect OUR choices, And judge life not to harshly, but place more value on who we are - as we are. That perhaps once we are able to move beyond disabling emotions we will want to take that value and make the most of it.
Not to say realizing this, or feeling this makes it any easier, but I guess it's one step. We still have to deal with physical and mental pain. But perhaps when that pain happens it doesn't have to have such a strong hold on us as before, and we can release it easier. I think a lot of people give heavy prejudice and too much judgement over their physical experiences and perceived accomplishments, the physicality of being human. I think maybe those who died before us like Eric would feel we might be better served and better rewarded by looking at the value and heritage their intangible and emotional experiences engendered in us, and in the intangible and emotional experience we have on our own that make life worth living.
She replied with:
I agree with every word. I felt my throat tighten and that pit in my stomach when you were talking about youth not appreciating life. I know since Eric took his life that if there is one thought that haunts me it is that he regrets what he did. I soooo don't want him to wish he was still here. Isn't that odd. I want to know that in his case, it was the best choice. I have been told over and over and over by so many random individuals that I agreed to this. Some say pre birth others say during this life time and that it was indeed a chance for growth. I often think Eric's death was a gift and a chance to truly live and know that life is worth living even with the pain that we went thru. And in my heart and soul I know we have done exactly that, we have chosen to live and be all that we can be, yet we never forget his love and laughter.
I am right there with you on my pre-Eric thoughts on suicide. I could not fathom how one would opt out. Really? you want to leave? Hell I love this life! Of course it has its moments, but WOW, you want to LEAVE? But even I have had thoughts that it is such a dark, cold, hateful place. Fortunately I bounced back.
But I get it..and maybe what's to get? Maybe they are the brave ones, the ones that know this is just a play and making an agreement to do something tragic is nothing more than presenting a fabulous opportunity to your soul group.
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