Present date

Spring 2019

Hello there. Just another quick note. I wanted to say I've been thinking about everyone in the CE community. The people I've worked with and interacted with. I've got a question for you. As I mentioned I've got this goal to create a couple of books. I started on it last summer, but got sick in the fall. I feel like I can return to it now. One will be a memoir of some sort, the other I was thinking about a book of Erik and Spirit sayings, with photos. Do you think people would like something like that or perhaps something else? or just to say hello. ladd.jason [at] gmail

Winter/Spring 2019

Just a quick update this Feb. I am physically doing a lot better than I have in the past 5 years. I've finally found a medication for my fibromyalgia that works. It's a new drug called Savella. It works better than anything I've ever tried before. It even works better than the drugs I take for Ankylosing Spondlyitis. I still have intermittent fatigue. Fatigue like one would get when you have the flu. And I still have spinal and joint pain, but things are a lot better. I'm also being treated for veinous insufficiency in my legs. So, I am able to sleep better. It's common to take 4-5 years to diagnosis and find the right treatment for autoimmune diseases. It's hard to keep one's spirits up during that process and to have hope that you'll be able to live like you want to again. The thing to note is, Is that it just takes time.

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I know you've had a rough time of late....

Ive often found what matters most is not so much what we do in this life, nor is it what we say, but rather what is in our hearts.

I don't feel like heaven would ask of us to fight, challenge or even deny experiences, but rather that we ask a question.

Who am I? In this experience. Of this what if anything does this say? Does how I see myself make me comfortable. Does the feeling, this experience inform, define, or let me grow in understanding as a spirit?

Some could say is this my highest possible self in this experience, but ultimately our experiences are not about what heaven would do, but they are about what would we do and how would we see ourselves right now.

For some, experience (even bad) leads to better and better life experiences.

Here. Or in other lives.

But for some, they are able to choose love, right now.

For those who cant, compassion, compassion and forgiveness will often release dense negative energy, and allow us to see ourselves in a brighter light.

Our hearts, as Heaven sees it.

Letting go doesn't have to mean cutting cords, an absence, walking away, or loss. Letting go can simply mean remaining true to your heart, and sending love.

After all. If we are ultimately one with love, what is left when the rest is gone?

Just love.

That's what heaven wants.

***

Family should not be an F word; and love should never be a 4 letter word.

I don't think love can be owned. I don't even think we can give it, as I am not sure we really create it. Instead I think perhaps love is Inherently Divine. It stems from God, God-Source, or Source if you will. It's the natural state of all that is, was and will ever be. I think rather we can only accept it and give what we have taken or shall I say accepted ourselves. The more we accept, the more we love ourselves, the more we see of it, and ourselves, thus; the more we have at any given moment or time if you will to pass along or give out. It's a potential for ALL, but is seemingly finite in a human moment. I think it's when we stop seeing what we've accepted, what we could accept; that we become blinded by denser emotions. Such as anger, jealousy, guilt, shame, fear.

We can't own someone else's love, nor possess it. So really jealousy is a fruitless exercise, because we can only accept what love other's have to give. It's really not at all about us. We can only control what we can accept and thus of that, what we allow ourselves to pass along of the Divine love. It's all returns back to that. How much of God's love it you will, Love in Source or all that is, are we going to allow to come to us?

I don't think we should judge too harshly others who can't accept love. It takes life times to see this, learn this or shall I say, remember this. Rather, it's better to have compassion, forgive what we can, and let go as much of the rest we can, and do what we will only in this moment. Hopefully it's love, and others will see that too.

***

Spring, 2018

Hope this note finds you well. It is a cold start to spring here in Minnesota. Snow and 10 degrees F., in April. I am writing to let you know, I've started on what will be a couple of books. One of which will be a memoir of sorts with the journal content of this site. I hope to make the content easier to read in a linear format. The other will be a table book of the channeled messages on this site. These will help me preserve the content and make it easier to transition to a new site if required. At the moment I am using google docs, but suspect I'll have to use MS office, or one of the Adobe products to help me finish. I am not sure if I'll host the file on this site or use Amazon/Kindle self publishing. I doubt it would generate any funds, but if it does, the proceeds will go to a charity within the channeling Erik community.

Other than that, not much is new with me. I am sick enough with my auto-immune diseases that I am only able to work 2-3 days a week. That, plus family, the house and garden; My plate is pretty full. I am in the middle of several surgeries and nerve blocks to help with pain.

***

There's an art to life's distractions. It's about how to live without letting life live you. I am not sure how good of a painter I am, but I think it's not so much about technique as it is about trying.

***

Winter, 2017

A greetings to you, if you are reading this. As of this winter, 2017; my health is still too poor to participate in the CE community or to offer correspondence. The past 5 years has been pretty rough for my family due to my health, but I am OK otherwise. It helps that I am an introvert and easily entertain myself. Work, home-life, and the garden are still doing OK.

I've recently noticed that Google announced that they are updating the Google-sites software/interface and phasing out the old. I intend to do what's necessary to convert this site when the time comes. If access changes I'll let Elisa at CE know; If/then she decides to remove this site from her list of links, it will still be accessible by Google searching "theshapeofacloud" and erik. In it's present form it's also archived on the internet archive, and who knows, it may cause me to add, change, update, clear up content and participate again.

All the best to you, and my love,

Jason

***

Summer, 2014

​Dear Reader,

A couple people have asked me where I've been and have wondered what I've been up to. I just wanted to offer a quick hello and pardon. My absence from any online life, community or friendship isn't personal toward any one person or group, it's due to my ill health. Physical and mental illness on my part.

​As of this year I am now ​in my 40′s. Aside from the events and writing posted on this site while in my 30's, I've been living with a progressive autoimmune disease. This past April I was diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis or A.S., although I’ve had symptoms since I was in my late teens.

It's a type of arthritis and a multi-system autoimmune disease. It's not fully understood, but involves genetic components. Symptoms can be highly variable between age, gender and circumstances. If your interested you can read about it via any internet search engine. In my case it runs in my family and has been very debilitating. I have the most aggressive form of the disease. Much of the time, all I have the time and energy for in my life is my illness, work, and family.

It started with pain in my heels in my teens, and progressed to hip pain in my mid 20′s. Low back pain in my late 20′s. Mid back pain, neck and chest pain in my 30′s. And in my late 30′s-40 I started getting getting inflammation to such a degree I had difficulty moving around. Some days all I could manage was to get home from work, cook dinner and go to bed. I’ve had many days throughout my life that I’ve had trouble walking. My eyes, lungs, heart, skin, arm-leg-hand joints are also affected, aside from my axial skeleton. Vertebra in my lower back and neck have fused together. I also have scoliosis, high blood pressure, psoriasis and obstructive sleep apnea as well as significant periodic depression.

I’ve been misdiagnosed with everything under the sun. From heart problems, bone spurs, pleurisy, carpel tunnel, degenerative disk disease, herniated disks, osteoarthritis, and allergies. First doctors tried to tell me it was a sports medicine related issue, and that I wasn’t stretching right. Then they told me it was ergonomic and I was lazy by not sitting right. Then they sent me to a chiropractor for years, yet it never helped. For years I thought I had heart problems due to chest pains. Since I was in my mid 20′s there has never been one day that I’ve not been in constant if not pain, discomfort. Since my 20′s I’ve taken Advil and Tylenol 2-3x a day to even function. I’ve never had a therapy, or medication help or cure my pain. And I’ve done everything from exercise, to acupuncture, to diets.

For years I felt broken or a freak. People would ask me how I was, and I always would lie and say fine, great, good, because who is going to understand what 24/7 pain is? How do you explain you’re broken and nothing will fix you yet you still have to live. I do everything you do but with intense pain, meanwhile behind glassy eyes silently pleading for anyone if not to understand, but to acknowledge it without sympathy, pity, or apology; dreading others attempts to deflect, or tell you how they have pain as well or even better offer advice trying and fix you if you only did such and such. I am still floored how many years went by with me being misdiagnosed and doctors never following up or making the connection, or me accepting what they said and not advocating for further help.

Despite all that I try my best to keep plugging along. While I have bad days where I am not able to do much, I have a lot of days, where I can keep going. I have a very high tolerance for pain and not much keeps me down. I am an avid walker; 30-60 min a day all my life, obsessive gardener, cook, artist, writer and a voracious reader. I have a family, a house and a full time job.

The medicines I take are fairly toxic and risky, but I feel it’s worth it. After so many years of being in horrific pain I am willing to gamble for a few or more with freedom. Hopefully life will only get better. One of the things this condition has taught me is how important it is to be your own advocate and not give into what others think or believe about you. It’s almost impossible to get others to relate or understand the pain this disease causes. So you have to let it go and not worry. You can’t let pain define you. It’s part of you, but not who you are. You cant help what others think or believe or how they react. Most importantly you have to have compassion for yourself. Being human is hard, being yourself isn’t, we are more than pain.

So as my family and I deal with these things, I don't have any plans to return online or pursue distance communication; I hope you are forgiving and understanding. Over the years I've always given Elisa Medhus (http://www.channelingerik.com/) and her family permission to use any and all contents of this site indefinitely as a huge chuck of this website deals with her son and so any questions about its contents can be directed to her as I no longer have a means of being contacted.

Thank you.

Best,

Jason