Being A Loner..Recluse..Loner..Recluse
"Sometimes You Just Don't Fit In"
If one looks up the definitions of "loner" and "recluse" in the Wikipedia Dictionary, they can probably get a better understanding of who I am, the many characters I have been over my life and why I have spent a lot of my life being almost like a "hermit", living in my own fantasy world.
The circumstances of how I came into this world, being initially raised in a very judgmental Croatian community and literally having no "real" friends my age, caused me to be reliant and trusting of only one person, "myself". While living on 3rd Street in KCK, before the Kansas Turnpike came through and decimated part of the community, my realm/world was very limited. Went to St. John's School during the day. After, would have to go home and help my grandmother with chores, unless I had CYO football, basketball or baseball practice. After my uncle came home, we ate, I did a few more chores and if lucky, my uncle would take me with him to the bowling alleys. He bowled 4-5 nights a week. Or, we would go up to the park at the Library, where the old-timers hung out and discussed current events, gossip and sports. Seems like we never got home before 10:00pm or midnight. Almost didn't know other kids existed, had I not been going to school with them.
Summers were a bit better, for I could expand my territory. My grandmother had a stroke and was bedfast. These Spanish nuns took care of her. The good part of that was that during the day I could explore the world around me. At night it would be the same routine with my uncle. At first, I didn't stray too far, but later felt protection from my dog Tippy and we would venture from 3rd Street to 18th Street and State Avenue to Central Avenue. I was 7-8 years old at that time and had "Google Mapped" everything within those boundaries. Also discovered a large group of neighborhood kids that allowed me to be almost their "mascot". They were 4-6 years older, but I think admired my determination to compete with them and take up their challenges. They helped me turn into a tough and confident little kid. Played tackle football, hardball and corkball with them. They did such a good job pushing me, that when I was in the 4th grade, I was a starting running back/linebacker on St. John's 5-6th grade CYO football team. Mostly for their own amusement, the would see how far I would go with one of their dares or challenges. Even though I might be scared or didn't think I could do something, I did it anyway. Just didn't want to let them think I wasn't good enough to hang with them and have to go back to being a total "loner". Is funny, but this group stuck behind me and in their strange way supported me over my years in grade school, high school, college, at Sammy's & The 8-Ball and beyond. They were always there to root me on, unlike my family.
At St. John's School, even though I was a good academic student and athlete, I was always on the outside looking in. Having no living or acceptable parents, I would not be included to participate in events or things that related to "the family". Maybe the nuns thought that they were protecting me by sending me over to the orphanage to help the nuns there. Was strange to look and see the various holiday cards, mother/father's day cards made by the other students while you were over at the orphanage helping the nuns. Could help the teams win several CYO Championships, but never was invited to the victory parties or their private parties. Were a few in the community, that I don't know if they just felt sorry for me or just wanted to do the right thing. As usual, had more relationships with the older individuals than with my supposed "peers". Could go outside of the community and get more attention than on the "Hill". Got tired of hearing about others accomplishments and achievements and the minimalizing of mine. Always accepted a challenge and out performed them all, but never got the recognition. Think that is about the time, I started turning into a "rebel". Learned the concept of "shock value" and decided to punish those whom I felt were and had been punishing me. I remember in the 8th Grade, when everyone was announcing where they would be going to high school, I said "to some boarding school, so I can get away from the "Hill" and all you assholes". The nun came over to me and tried to hit me. I blocked her and she broke her wrist. After that, when she thought about disciplining me once again, I would say "God punished you once, do you want him to punish you again?" Have never had any communications or contacts with any from St. John's after graduating from 8th Grade, except for one. Her family was close to my mother and I believe she understood my dilemma. She was my first "squeeze, but I never could trust a Croatian woman until many years down the road.
When I talk about being on the outside, I have experienced quite a bit. When I was about ten and my uncle and I move out 3013 N 27th, Rudy Korac, who had been a major league pitcher and also pitched for the St. John's Catholic Club baseball team, which my uncle managed, suggested I try out for a 9-11 3&2 team he was coaching and keep me off of the streets and out of trouble. Again, I was an outsider looking in. There was Renko, Canfield, Wendall, Wells, Jones, Burnau, Lane, Ellis and many whose names are on the tip of my tongue. They all laughed at me with my tattered 2-finger glove and no baseball shoes, but a worn-out pair of tennis shoes. Most would go on to get acclaim at Wyandotte and beyond. It was a humiliating situation on one hand, but I was determined to put them in their place and show them that I was not only their equal, but better. Playing corkball, with bottle caps and a broom stick, made it so easy to keep your eye on a "big" baseball and hit it. Also that tattered 2-finger glove was more efficient than their Wilsons or Rawlings. They all enjoyed my contribution in winning Championships at that level and the next one when we played for Rotary Club. Unfortunately for me, I wasn't a part of their inner-circle and didn't get to participate in their victory celebrations. Never have had any bad feelings or animosity towards them, for they had a totally different life and life style than myself. Steve Renko, who was no rocket scientist, was my greatest challenge. Learned at a very young age, you have to compete against the best to get better yourself if you want to make it to the top. He was bigger, more multi-talented and went on to accomplish more than his mental capacities. Later on in high school, Wyandotte came up to Maur Hill, when both were in the Sunflower Baseball League. He threw a one-hitter, with me getting a triple off of him. Coach Ellis laughed, but I know Steve didn't. Was a memorable moment in my life. I quit the team shortly before the Championship with the KCMO 3&2 champs. Told Coach Ellis that I enjoyed playing the game, but personally got little out of the association with the guys. Made the All-Star teams every year I played, but neither my uncle or any family came to see me play. Canfield's, Mayhew's and a few other's dads or moms encouraged me, but at the end of games they all went together in one direction and I went in the other direction alone. When you have a normal life and family, you think everyone has one. Over the years some of us rekindled our relationships, but there wasn't any closeness, except for Mayhew.
When you decide to become a "recluse", you isolate yourself from that in life that has not provided a positive path to your journey. You hope to not be once again drawn into situations that will only allow you orts at the end of a meal. I befriended Carl Nicholson, Mohart, Mayhew the likes of Terry Marsh and the rough-necks from St. Benedict's. They all in a way knew I was a "silent rebel", but had no idea what extent I would go to do something "shocking". They just shook their heads when I went off. The best part was that I didn't have to live up to anyone's standards or in a way be used by them. I was simply an "equal".
Going of to Maur Hill was a changing time in my life, but at the same time old tendencies and habits are hard to break. Those Benedictine priests provided an equal playing field for all. Didn't matter where you were from, how much money your family had or your previous personal issues, everyone started at zero and it was up to you to work your way up the ladder, discover your real self and prepare yourself to go out into the real world. They never told you how or what to do, you had to discover that on your own. When you did good, you got rewarded with a privilege, when you screwed up, you got the whacks on your ass with the oak paddle with 3 holes. We all suffered the same consequence. Initial I reverted to my old traits and befriended the older seniors. When they graduated and I was on my own, I had to fend for myself from the enemies I had somewhat created. Knew I had to raise the bar on everything I did and out distance myself from those around me. It was difficult at first and my insomnia almost terrified me. However it got easier day by day due to that determination that those older guys on the "Hill" had instilled in me. Not only did I achieve academically, but also became a star on the football and baseball teams as a sophomore. I sucked at playing basketball, but was put in to punish the opponents star scorer. Funny but one time against De La Salle, in KCMO, I got 4 fouls in less than a minute. Just was doing my job. Being in Atchison those 4 years was like a 4 year cruise on the QEII. I just could be myself and only answer to myself. Also was able to develop some close relationships and learned to reach out to others in my same boat. Knew it would all end one day, but got the most out of it while it lasted.
When back in KCK for the Summer, I went into "recluse mode" until one of my temporary pals discovered I was back in town. Never got that welcome home hug and the first thing out of my uncle's mouth was, "When do you have to go back? Or, I have a Summer or part-time job lined up for you." Spent as much time as possible away from my house, often until late at night. Often would sit on the stairs outside, waiting to hear my uncle snoring and then would go quietly inside. Got enough lectures for what I was doing wrong, but no compliments for what I was doing right. We all had our fake IDs in those days and knew the places that would sell us beer or booze. Hated most of the Catholic kids from Ward, but intermingled with a few guys and gals from Wyandotte and Washington. Didn't really want to get too close to anyone, for I knew I would be going back to Maur Hill and start living my other life.
Playing football at Maur Hill always gave me hope that I could one day get permanently away from KCK, the "Hill" and my family. Started for the varsity my Sophomore season. Though we had only 220 students, those Benedictines always put together a schedule that we really had no right to be challenged with. Their was Rockhurst, Bishop Miege, De La Salle, St. Joe Christian Brothers, St. Joe Central, Leavenworth Immaculata and small school powerhouse Effingham, KS. We never lost more than 2 games in any year and overall came out even with the big boys. My uncle came to some of our games in KC with a few of his friends, but never stopped by the locker room to congratulate me or say hello. He instead would send notes to the team, which were always posted on the bulletin board, rooting us on. All the students and headmaster thought he was a wonderful and supportive human being. During my Junior year, I started getting contacts from alumni from several schools asking if I might be interested in attending their alma maters. Didn't realize it at first, but others saw a future "potential" in me. During my Senior season there were more and more contacts and Coach Guy Galley started getting several inquiries about me. When the season was over, started going on recruiting trips and met some guys who would go on to become big-time players. Was 191 lbs., 17 1/2" neck, 42" chest, 28" waist, ran the 100 in 10.2 and could high jump 6'-3". Knew I wouldn't be a running back, because most of the black guys were bigger and faster. Liked the ideas of playing defensive safety and punishing people. During a game, my "angry inner-side" came out. After it was over I could just let it go. Really wanted to go to Mizzou and play for Dan Devine or secondly KU and play for Jack Mitchell. Got other offers from OU, CU and NU, but felt better about KU and MU and knew a few of the guys heading there. My uncle pulled the rug out from me demanding I go to K-State (3-51-1 K-State and Doug Weaver), or he would not sign my "letter of intent", as I was not yet 18. All were offering me the same package, full ride, a little cash on the side and perks from local boosters. All I can think of is that as my guardian, his cash and perks were a lot better that mine.
That kind of blew up my life again and I went into "recluse mode" once again. Quit being the announcer at basketball games, quit doing my weekly Sunday night radio show, didn't play baseball or run track and let my academics slip a bit. The last 2 months before graduation, I went home to KCK every weekend and got loaded. Most thought my scholarship was cool, but I felt like a "lamb going to slaughter, never given the chance to see how good I could be". It also, more or less ended my relationship with my uncle. I was 18, moved out and lived with one sister or another for small stints at a time. Hung out mostly with Nicholson, Mayhew and Rodent (Mike Rogers) and was only looking to have good times and stay loaded until the "execution" at K-State.
Got hurt at K-State, operated on and spent a week in the hospital with no contact from the coaching staff or my family. The university said they would honor my scholarship and other incentives, however to fulfill my side of the compromise, I would have to be their stadium, arena and locker room "nigger" and do janitorial and laundry work. Wasn't going to wash anyone's jock. Left K-State at the end of the semester and headed to Boulder to see if Eddie Crowder could help me out. He couldn't do anything until they knew my knee would be stable again. From there I headed down to Emporia State and Gus Fish, great name for a boozed-up coach. He at least offered me training table meals and physical therapy after my cast came off. Met and roomed with Bob "Puss" Purnell from Wyandotte. Neither one of us were interested in studying much, but we never passed a bar that we didn't go into or go fishing every chance we got. Needless to say my initial college experience was over and I was back at ground zero and another "recluse mode".
Bounced around from small job to small job and living with sister to sister. Finally my brother-in-law, Bill Baska came to my rescue. He rented me one of his apartments and made sure I always had a few beers, cigarettes and a few dollars in my pocket. Had previously enlisted in the Air Force, hoping to get away from everything, but flunked the physical the day I was to ship out. Got a job with an architectural firm downtown as an "errand boy". The head designer saw some "potential" in me and took me under his wing. Little did I know that that would be the start of my architectural career for the next 20+ years. After about 1 1/2 years, I was told it was time for me to move on. Was fortunate to land a job with a wonderful architect who tutored me over the next 5 years and helped me go back to school at OU and get 2 architectural degrees. Shortly after the "errand boy" job Big Sam Fabac hired me as a bartender at Sammy's. Sam also provided me with assistance to go back to school.
For the next 6+ years, I starred in my own TV version of "I Led Two Lives" Being an insomniac and not knowing who I was or what I wanted to really do or be, it was great for me. By day I was this respectable young architect-in training. By night I was the "Crazy Ralph Vera" at Sammy's terrorizing 6th Street. Neither entity really knew or cared what I did when not working for them. Trying to keep up with both personalities was problematic at times. Just couldn't slow down and take the chance of being rejected again. Got crazier and crazier at Sammy's when the crowd yelled for more. At the architectural firm my work won a couple of awards. They didn't demand a better one the next time out, I personally demanded one. Just didn't want to loose my position on the totem pole. The best part of it was that most of my family left me alone, except for those that had been good and kind to me. Bill Baska would often fuck with them. He would first tell them about my accomplishments and rise in the architecture arena. He knew they were looking to suck out more blood from the turnip. Bill then with his coy and devious smirk, would then relate my latest escapades on 6th Street, dowsing any hope for a new transfusion.
Over the years always have found myself going back into the same " loner..recluse" cycles and almost always was living 2 separate lives. At OU, they didn't know how to deal with me. I was older than most students, had more professional experience than many of my professors and they couldn't phantom how I could carry 21 credits a semester, have at least 2 part-time jobs and run a small custom furniture shop. When they asked me how I dealt with all that, all I could respond was "I'm just who I am". Never wanted to feel like I had to justify myself to anyone. I did what I had to do to survive and move my way up the ladder of life. Am not proud of some of the things I did in that process, but did what I felt I had to do at a given moment or instance. No one wants to have the elevator drop out from under them and end up at ground zero.
My career as an architectural designer was very rewarding and frustrating at the same time. However, I never fit in there either. When you're 32, directing 135 talented people, most of whom are older than yourself, have more experience than yourself, but fail to recognize that you are more talented than them and that it is nothing personal, but it is time for them to shit or get off the pot. It puts you in an alienating position and you head back to the "recluse mode". Am damn proud of my leadership abilities and the dedication from those that made me look good. Without them I would have been back at ground zero and the totem pole would have been basic firewood. As mentioned, others had some basic standards to meet. I set the standards higher for myself. Didn't want anyone to be able to pull the rug out from me ever again. I would be like a "control freak" and in charge of my own "dynasty". You run so hard, fast and almost oblivious to reality and then one day you simply CRASH !!!!!!
Naturally, if you're John Michael, you go back into "recluse mode" and try and figure out how to bail yourself out once again. I walked away from architecture to become a "starving artist". Met a wonderful lady who is one the few that really understands me. We got married, and even though that ended in a few years, she did everything in her power to help me become an artist and be happy with only being "myself". To this day, she is still there for me. Most artists envied the number of shows I had over the first few years. Due to the psychological nature of my art, many wanted to view it, but few wanted to get up on my "psychiatrist couch" with me and open their wallets to purchase it. I was back in that old pattern of my life. Give the audience the best performance of your life, but they will be heading in an opposite direction at the end of the evening. Also got easily bored and kept away from individuals who were totally engrossed in their professions or limited other activities. Always wanted to learn, grow and expand my world, regardless of the direction it took me. As my personal frustrations mounted, I started drinking more heavily. Along the way, I refused to be reliant on anyone but "myself". Got divorced, went into another "recluse mode" and finally hit "ground zero" when I passed out with a lit cigarette and almost lost my life. Had someone not forgotten their wallet, I wouldn't be here today. I am often thankful for the individual's action that allowed me to have many wonderful times in my life, but often cursed him when those valleys appeared.
Went into almost permanent "recluse mode" about 25+ years ago. Quit drinking, cold turkey, for 14 years. Got tired of having wonderful meals that seemed bland without a glass of wine or after dinner snifter. Don't go out to bars by myself and if out on a date or friend, limit myself to 2 beers or drinks. Don't drink in front of my customers/clients or old acquaintances, even in my own home. Once in a blue moon, celebrating a special occasion, and if I am with someone who I know will not let me go pass the point of making an ass of myself, I will get a little loaded and let some of the old Crazy Ralph come out. Still don't like the thought of someone else controlling my fate or destiny, especially when I am not in total control of myself.
Also abandoned most relationships of the past, which they got more enjoyment and value out of than myself. One gets to a point where you can't be the drum major at the front of the parade and then change uniforms and clean up the horse shit at the end of it. Have an exclusive and limited "inner-circle". Most of them don't know much about my past. We just experience what we are fortunate to have today or in the given moment. Most are and have been older than myself. Unfortunately over the past few years they seem like they are dropping off like flies. That puts me in another "recluse mode" for it is hard to find replacements. Still am not willing to give up my self-respect, dignity and all I tried to do over the years for a bit of placating companionship or a shallow relationship. I have enough weird and puzzling thoughts in my mind that can keep me occupied. Prefer sitting back and getting a dog and pony show, rather than me having to give them one. Believe that I have earned the right to just sit in the audience and enjoy their performances.
Most of the anger in my life has dissipated. I always warn neophytes not to challenge me, for I have more endurance, dedication and self-confidence than ten can amass amongst themselves. I will never give up my place on the totem pole.