Post date: Aug 9, 2011 4:24:08 AM
Have tried to be the understanding, considerate and giving a second, third, fourth.......chances. Many of you doubted I could be such a tolerant person. I have developed shingles, hives and nervous disorders trying to be patient with some of you. Those of you that have patronized me, felt sorry for me or just wanted to avoid me and my motley crew are safe. I am including you in my last will and testament as recipients of pieces of my art, when I pass on to the greater horizon. Of course you will be responsible for paying the processing, packaging and shipping costs. If no art is available, hopefully due to popular demand, you will receive a resealable snack bag of my recently cut hair. Naturally, you will be responsible for paying the processing, packaging and shipping costs. Having a somewhat Samson mental attitude about my hair, I had a very tough decision to make. An opportunity arose for me to possibly be the "Plumbing Pro" at a local major building center. To be or not to be....yes that was the question. Should I remain, all powerful and influential, or subjugate myself a bit, enjoy eating meat rather than tofu, have electrical lighting at night rather than candles or be able to feed my goat, so he could pull me about town in my special crafted cart, as the price of gasoline is far out of my economic strata. It was a horrifying compromise and experience. Even though a client paid me extra to upgrade my interview wardrobe and get a professional haircut and shave, I chose to take a cheaper way out, in order to buy some chocolate covered peanuts and treat myself to a much more desired pedicure and manicure (French buff, no polish). Instead, I entrusted, in total terror, to having a Croatian woman friend perform the hair surgery, if she promised not to try and cut off my ear off, as she had done previously with her gardening shearers. Not all artists think "the Van Gogh look" is still the look to get you into that desired gallery or have people feel sorry for you at Starbucks and buy you a cup of java. With my deeply darkened tan and my new Dutch boy coiffure, even if I don't get the "Plumbing Pro" job, maybe I can get an extra's part in a local avant garde production of "Porgy and Bess". Get those photos, comments, certificates, miles or whatever, to me as soon as possible, for there are only a few pieces of metal art left. You have all seen your 401K's tank, but the price of metals is soaring. There are enough nuts, bolts, fasteners and assorted other items in each piece, that you will not have to make a trip to your local hardware store for years, to make those nagging little home repairs. Can you find a better deal out the anywhere today? For those of you who end up with only my "salon patrons envied blond hair", I am throwing in a bonus item. Yes you will also be receiving a siliconized rubber thumb glove with my own fingerprint. You may wonder why this would be of value, as the hair also seems to be of no value. Think again. Many in life want to blame others for doing those not so nice things in life. You can now blame it on me. By simple placing the thumb glove on you thumb, leaving my thumb print and leaving a strand of my blond mane at the scene, you have the perfect cover up. Forensic specialists, CSI stars and the paranormal specialists will all point their fingers to me. I have been blamed for many things in life that I didn't do and survived the scrutiny and backlash. What difference will it make to me while Elvis, Howard Hughes an myself are roaming about the desert and roasting marshmallows on a open fire, while we discus the real weirdos we encountered in our lives. I really do want to get that job as the "Plumbing Pro". For personal or residential use, I can suggest that customers buy the manual or electric snake to relieve constipation of the drain line, either residential or personally. I can suggest that they call Becky when their hot water heater goes out. Never a shortage of hot water when you call Becky. As gas or electricity is not required with Becky, temperatures rise along with other thing, for a simple service call. I can suggest legal "plumbing dope" without a prescription. Like any cosmetic surgeon I can provide any nipple size one may want. I can also be of help in making sure that the marital "union" you are about to enter is the best for you. My mind is filled with many more. Most importantly to me though, I have a desire and hankering to be "employee of the month" for a minimum of three months. I will demand that they enlarge my picture on the posted plaque, til it is poster size. Then, I want to have them start a "customer of the month wall" with those that have purchased the most unnecessary items I have suggested. Life is about giving and taking. We all deserve and want a little attention, but I've always been fascinated by the "limbo stick", how low will one go.
On a serious and realistic note, this is my last request to participate. Though I have never been a parent, I do understand the the premise of severing the umbilical chord or apron string. It is often a very, very difficult task, but for the better of the whole, either procedure must be performed when one may want the benefits, but not take the effort to participate. Always hated to say goodbye to those, that there was a prepaid cabin for them on the cruise, but getting the lint out of their navel took priority instead of experiencing life. But as with Fellini, "The Ship Sails On". Take care, have a good one. Hopefully "Aloha", not "Bon Voyage".
The Crazy Croatian (Hunkie)