Yesterday I learned another lesson about how men and women are different. Karen and I were driving to Walmart and she was driving (I know, my first mistake). She had to make a U-turn in semi-heavy traffic and quickly get back into a turn lane so we could make a left turn at the next corner. I was giving her instructions as she made the turn. However, as she turned she noticed that the trunk was open and a car honked at her apparently to warn her about that. She screamed out, "The trunk is open!" I explained, "That's okay, get in the left lane!" She continued to focus on and talk about the trunk and then said, "I can't get over!" I yelled at her to do so. She pulled over and I shut the trunk and we "continued mission".
Let's look at that exchange. It points out very clearly some basic differences between men and women.
In general, women are focused on safety and security and react with fear when that safety is threatened. They tend to focus on feelings more than logic. For Karen, her only focus was the dangerous situation of driving with an unsecured trunk. She would not respond to reason and my yelling only made the situation worse because I was telling her to ignore her fear and scaring her even more with my anger.
In general, men are goal directed and single-minded and rely less on feelings and more on logic. For me, all I saw was the traffic and the quickly ending chance to get in the left lane, the thought of missing our turn, the red light in the left turn lane and the green light in the straight lane (which meant we would have time to stop in the turn lane and I could get out and secure the trunk), and that Karen was NOT following my orders. I knew what was in the trunk, I knew nothing would fall out, and I knew I could safely get out of the car while we were in the turn lane waiting on the light to change and shut the trunk.
Karen was right. For her, safety was the ONLY focus and her world would not be right until she and I were safe.
I was right. I could easily handle the situation and still get in the correct lane to make our turn and avoid the hassle of turning around and trying to fight the traffic again.
This is why husbands and wives fight so much and cannot understand why the other cannot "get it". What we need to do is try to understand that we speak different languages and see the world in entirely different ways and that is perfectly okay. We married the OPPOSITE sex for a reason. The Bible says we are one flesh and that woman was taken out of man. That means there is something missing in man and it is a woman's way of thinking and feeling. When we become one flesh, suddenly a man becomes complete and so does the woman and the two can take on the world with the completed mind and heart that God desires. So, when we fight, one or both of us has to stop to see the other's point of view. There was no way for me to get Karen to ignore her "mortal danger" of driving with an open trunk and there was no way for her to make me afraid of such a situation in order to shut me up and deter my mission. We were BOTH right. When I understand that fear drives Karen in many situations and when she understands that shame drives me in many situations, then we can cut each other some slack and not demand our way. A woman's innocent criticism or questioning almost always leads to shame in a man (What did I do wrong this time? Why can't I measure up to others?), which almost always leads to his anger and defensiveness, which leads to fear in the woman, which sparks more shame in a man (Patricia Love - How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It). This vicious cycle is a common experience in most marriages - but there is an answer.
My Biblical job as a husband: "Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it." (Ephesians 5:25). The wife's Biblical job adds another level of love for the husband but simplifies her task: "Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she respect her husband." (Ephesians 5:33). Sacrificial love cannot be done without help from God and respecting men would also require a Heaven-sent motivation. When we stick to our roles, appreciate the others point of view, and never do anything to stir up fear in women or shame in men, the marriage works as it was designed by God. Blessings. ~(01/31/2015)~