My Colonoscopy
Well, the title says it all. It's a warning to those of you who do not want to read about gross, disgusting things (or are about to have lunch) to stop reading now. Still reading? Too late.
I knew that when I hit that magic age of 50, aside from being deluged with AARP membership pleas, I had an equally persistent obligation: get a colonoscopy! Trying to get my mind off such things a while back, I turned on the tube and what was Katie Couric doing?! Having a colonoscopy on air! Of course they didn't show any of the gross stuff but they showed her preparing the night before and the morning of by drinking the colon-cleansing Fleet Phospho-Soda or magnesium citrate. Then they showed the colonoscope's pictures of her colon on television! It was fascinating. From that day on I knew that when I hit that magic age, I would volunteer for a colonoscopy (Yikes! The last time I volunteered I wound up in Fort Knox, Kentucky in Basic Training!). I asked my doctor to make an appointment and the date was set: two days before Thanksgiving 2003. I was not sure about the timing but I figured at least I will be good and cleaned out for Turkey Day!
The Phospho-Soda didn't taste too bad because I could mix it with a whole glass of water or even Sprite if I wanted to. It works pretty good - I will not go into details except to say that by the morning of the procedure I was very well cleaned out!
I arrived at 7:45am for the 9:15am procedure (How do doctors get away with this? Next time they want a burger, McDonald's should tell them to show up by 10:00am for their Noon meal!). I waited until about 8:30 to be called. Then things moved pretty fast. I was sent up to the Endoscopy section and changed into one of those very fashionable hospital gowns. I climbed into my hospital bed after walking by three or four other patients waiting or recovering from their own colonoscopies (they must have been running a special!). If I had any feelings of pride or self-importance after my personal "walk of shame" it vanished along with the back end of my hospital gown!
I waited for the doctor to come. Nurses placed an I.V. tube in me ( I didn't expect that!) and took my vitals. The doctor came and I was relieved when he spoke English (not that there's anything wrong with doctors who cannot - it's just that I had some questions for him). He explained the procedure and gave me the option for Versed to put me in that dream-like state that I hate and pain medication. I opted for just the pain medication and asked if I could watch the procedure like Katie Couric did. He looked at me a little strange but said "sure" to both.
It was time to go. I was wheeled down the hall into the procedure room. Two TV's (one on either side of my bed) were in the room and I saw this long black tube that I knew I would soon become intimately involved with.
For those of you who have no clue as to what a colonoscopy is (Why have you been reading this all this time without knowing what I am talking about?! Just kidding.), a long tube called a colonoscope is sent through your rectum (sorry!) and up into your colon. The colon is the last place your food goes before being expelled from your body. The colonoscope is sort of like a Swiss Army knife attached to a long tube - it's not as big as a Swiss Army knife, thankfully, but it has amazing attachments: it has a tiny camera, pinchers for cutting out polyps (that's why we get a colonoscopy in the first place because polyps can turn into colon cancer - not a good thing), a cauterizing tool for cutting and sealing large polyps (Yikes!), an air hose to blow up the colon like a balloon (it collapses without food - like the rest of us), a water hose to clear away anything your colon was hanging on to, and probably some other things that the doctor figured I'd better not know about. All of this in a skinny tube about the size of my pinky finger (thankfully it was not the size of Roseanne Barr's pinky finger!)!
So there I am. I was told to lay on my left side after I received my pain medication in my I.V. I traded jokes with the nurses and thankfully the doctor was business-like. Well, he was on the business end . . . sorry! He uncovered just enough of me to do his job and the tube went in. I was expecting that Swiss Army knife feeling but I honestly did not feel anything at that point. He was very gentle, as I had asked him to be. The pictures of my colon were flashed on the 20 inch T.V. monitor and I wondered if this was being displayed on Channel 4 throughout the hospital. The tube goes in rather quickly and I watched as my whole colon flashed by on the screen (it reminded me of that short film they show you at the movie theater just before the movie starts - you know the one that makes you dizzy because it simulates you being driven in some space-age vehicle around curves and up and down hills, etc.). I knew he was not looking for anything special at this time - the visual inspection comes on the way out. He stopped at my appendix and pointed it out to me. It was just amazing! To give you an idea of where the colonoscope goes imagine a three-foot long hose shaped like an upside down "U". He starts in one end and the tube goes all the way through the "hose" to the end of the upside down "U", which is where the appendix is usually located.
I was glad I was not put to sleep but I understood why some people may want to be asleep. It was mildly uncomfortable at times - I imagined these were the times he had to go around "corners" in my colon. It was not too bad - the uncomfortableness was sort of like the way it feels when your stomach is upset with gas or something. Those moments were brief and tolerable.
Once he showed me the appendix and pronounced it healthy he began his journey out of my colon. It was just so interesting seeing the colon from the inside! I thought to myself, who could not believe in God?! How could a colon just happen?! Who would know enough to create such a thing?! Only God, Who says we are "fearfully, and wondrously made." We are. Believe it or not, watching my colonoscopy was a religious experience for me (I know, "Boy are you screwed up!"), but really, it was just so absolutely fascinating!
Back to the colonoscopy. The doctor showed me a small indentation that he said was a "diverticula" but that since there was only one in my whole colon it was not a problem (Phew!). In fact he said I had "the colon of a twenty year old". I said, "I sure hope he doesn't want it back." He laughed like it was the first time he had heard the joke and I'm pretty sure I heard short drum roll and rimshot (Buh-bump-bump). Shortly after this, he found what he had been searching for: a tiny polyp. I watched as the tiny pinchers were employed to pinch off the polyp (I did not feel a thing). There was a tiny bit of blood but that was it. He said it would heal up and he would do a biopsy on the polyp and let me know the results. That was the only polyp he found. He showed me a few more points of interest on the way out (actually, I think he is the narrator for the train ride around Stone Mountain - I'm pretty sure I recognized his voice.) and that was that.
Since I had no anesthesia, recovery was very fast - all I was instructed to do was "expel the air." Can you imagine having to be instructed to do that?! It sort of just happened anyway - once again, the little pride and self-importance that I had built up during the procedure was totally expelled from me (sorry!). My wife drove me home (with the window open) and I rested for the day. I felt mildly nauseous right when I walked in the door (that may have been caused by the sight of the brussel sprouts that my wife was getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner), but that was the only discomfort I felt after that. The rest of the day was spent explaining to my wife and kids that I couldn't do any work because of the "horrible procedure" that I had just undergone. Now I understand why people fear colonoscopies - it's the stories we tell our families to get out of work!
Thanks for listening.
~Gary~(12-1-2003)