Typical Possum Lodge Meeting

Ed Note:

I used to be a minor Production guy at Possum Lodge, and became a member, like in Doctor Who, I am now a full member, and only a few steps below the Leader, around the level of another guy who gets dumped on, Worf.

Here is a rare Possum Lodge Meeting, and it has some stuff from the Imaginary Characters, including Moose, who I get along with some, and made a experimental concept Gorn ship named after him. Also worked on a few things with him.

Anyway, here's the leader, of my species, easily explaining/nullifying any controversy/"Interesting" data involving me: He's of my Species, and Gramma told me that he, and others of his kind were spreading phony mindscrew/bigotry, which also explains it; - South Park is an easier, clearer, layman source for that kind of thing. The following is the leader's own speech:

Every Month, the Possum Lodge membership meets to discuss important issues. These meetings are glimpsed at the end of each episode of "the Red Green Show" and the new Red Green show, which I Call "The New Red Green Show." Many of you have written and asked "What is with those meetings?"

To satisfy the curiosity of all of you, and probably nauseate more than a few of you, here's a complete transcript of one of our lodge meetings. I trust none of you will ever ask again.

HAROLD: All rise! (EVERYONE RISES)

ALL: (MORE OR LESS TOGETHER) Quando Omni Flunkus Moritati.

RED: Be seated. IIs there any old business or business or future business? No? Then I move this meeting be closed and the bar be opened...

HAROLD: Uncle Rede, several members have their hands up. Including myself.

RED: (PAUSE) Alright. Stinky, what's wrong?

STINKY: Thanks Red. I move that we sell that thing out behind the lodge.

RED: Which thing is that? There must be five thousand things out there. Could you narrow it down a bit?

STINKY: The big ugly thing... (SILENCE) The one that smells bad... The one that's all broken and rusted... and no use to anyone.

RED: Does anyone know which hting he means?

JUNIOR: It's that big blue and greay thing. The abandoned hulk of a truck of some kind.

RED: That;s my Possum van.

STNKY: The thing I'm talking about has a long thing coming out the top. Like a metal thing.

OLD MAN SEDGWICK: That's my Iron Lung! I'm saving that for my retirement.

STINKY: No, not the Lung.

JUNIOR: That's not there anymore.

O.M. SEDGWICK: What? Who took it?

RED: Uh, some burglars made off with it a few weeks back.

HAROLD: Are you sure, Uncle Red?

RED: Shutup Harold.

HAROLD: I don't think burglars stole it.

RED: Yes, they did.

HAROLD: No, I'm pretty sure it wasn't stolen. I think a member took it.

O.M. SEDGWICK: What? I'll skin 'em alive!

HAROLD: Yes, I'm sure someone here took it. Now who was it? Let me think.

RED: Don't think, Harold.

HAROLD: They were going to make it into something... Why would they have told me? Oh, I remember. It was going to be made into a submarine by someone....

RED: Shutup Harold....

HAROLD: Oh, that's right. It was for Handyman Corner with Unc...Oh...Uh. Actually, Mr. Sedgwick, yes, it was stolen by burglars.

O.M. SEDGWICK: What's the world coming to? It's them young people. Buncha punks. Kids today! Got no brains. Got no morals.

RED: Thank you, Old Man Sedgwick, can we get back to the business at hand?

O.M SEDGWICK: Oh sure. Who cares about me? You know in Japan, older people are revered for their wisdom.

BUSTER: Well, how about we pass around the hat and buy you a one-way ticket to Tokyo?

O.M SEDGWICK: I heard that! I heard that!

BUSTER: Of course you heard that. I shouted it right in your face.

O.M SEDGWICK: What? What did he say? Oh forget it. You pip-squeaks. You just want to get rid of me. Well I ain't going!

RED: I want to get to the business at hand.

STINKY: Yeah. I want to sell the ugly old thing no one wants anymore.

O.M SEDGWICK: I said I ain't going.

ALL: Shutup! SHUTUP! SHUTUP!

O.M. SEDGWICK: I heard that. ZZZZZZZZZZZ

RED: Oh good. He's fallen asleep. Now what is this thing you're talking about Stinky?

STINKY: The orange cylinder thing with the black end.

BUSTER: The old septic tank?

STINKY: No.

JUNIOR: I'm saving that septic tank. I'm going to make it into a big lawn roller.

RED: Actually, I had my eye on it for a tree fort for Harold.

HAROLD: Eww. Gross. How would you get the stink and smell out of it?

RED: I'd say "Harold, come down for dinner." (RAUCOUS LAUGHTER)

HAROLD: Shutup! Shutup! Everyone shutup, or you'll wake up Old Man Sedgwick. (SUDDEN SILENCE)

STNKY: The thing I'm talkging about is behind the broken back hoe, past the airplane tailfin, beside the stack of broken fence posts, and the huge ball of string.

RED: My giant electric pencil?

STINKY: Not that far back.

BUSTER: He means the wheels off that old railway car.

STINKY: No it's jus tbeside that.

JUNIOR: My sculpture?

STINKY: Sculpture?

JUNIOR: Yeah. I made that out of an old earth moving machine. I cut it into pieces and reassembled it into a work of art.

STINKY: I don't know about art, but I know what I like. And I like getting money for scrap metal.

JUNIOR: It's art!

STINKY: It's an eyesore.

JUNIOR: That's because it's modern art.

RED: Well Junior, have you considered converting your creation into a piece of kinetic art?

JUNIOR: Kinn... Huhn? What's that?

HAROLD: Oh, I know Uncle Red. Kinetic art is artwork that includes movemtnt. This brings the elements of time and motioninto the work.

JUNIOR: Oh yeah?

RED: Movement would increase the value of the art.

JUNIOR: Yeah?

RED: Yeah.

JUNIOR: Okay!

RED: Great. Okay, Stinky, move it over to the scrap dealer.

STINKY: Right Red.

JUNIOR: No! You're not touching my work of art.

HAROLD: Uh, Junior, I mean Mr. Singleton, it may be art, but it's badly done and it doesn't look like anything. It doesn't even have a title.

JUNIOR: Yes, it does. "Two Reclining Nude Women." (SILENCE)

BUSTER: Wow. Man, that's a great work of art.

STINKY: I think we should move it to the front of the lodge.

HAROLD: I love it. I could look at it for hours.

RED: Okay, any other business? Yes Moose?

MOOSE: Ahem... Ahem... Ahem... Ahhhhhhhemmm. Ahem. Ahem. Ahhhhhem. ArrrgghhhhhaaaaahHHHHHheemmm! (COUGH COUGH) Ahem. (Throat clearing) Ahem, ahem.... Sorry. I just wanted to say, we can learn a lot from studying animals, but never never never try to clean yourself the way a cat does.

Ahem... Ahem. (COUGH COUGH) Ahemmmm....

RED: Thanks Moose. Any other hairballs of wisdom from anyone else?

HAROLD: Yes, several viewers have written asking how come Bill never talks in the "Adventures with Bill" or any other part of tghe show. People figure it's some kind of conspiracy. Like maybe Bill has a weird voice so he's not allowed to talk.

RED: Nonsense. We allow you to talk, Harold.

HAROLD: True... Hey!?...

RED: Well Harold, write em' back and tell those people Bill does talk. All the time. Right Bill? (BILL NODS) The reason they don't hear Bill talk is because that old black and white movie camera doesn't have a very good microphone. Right Bill? (BILL NODS)

And if Bill wants to talk, he's more than welcome to. Right Bill?

BILL: Sure Red. You betcha. Yes sir. If I have anything to say. Not that I do right now. I mean when there's something to say, you can bet I'll say it. As my daughter Marsha says- Marsha is our oldest, she's off Trent University now, studying forestry. First year. She's in her first year. I mean her first year at forestry. She's not in her first year. They don't allow one-year-olds into university. Even at Trent. She's a freshman. or a freshwoman. She's a freshperson. Maybe Maybe she's a sophomore. Marsha's studying forestry. She's going to be a forester. Go round foresting and stuff. Not the biggest salaries in the world, you know, making a career in foresting. The real money is in de-foresting. Logging. That's where the mega-money is, but my daughter, Marsha, she's our oldest, she couldn't look herself in the face if she did de-foresting. She wouldn't be able to look herself in the face. Speaking of not being able to look herself in the face, our youngest, Tammy, she's had her teeth fixed! The bottom ones point up now, and the top ones point down! Beauuuutiful. those top teeth of hers are perfectly aligned now. They're perfectly parallel. Both of em'. Now if we could just get Milton to go to the Orthodontist. Milton's our middle one. You know what they say about the middle child. Middle child's full of Woah! Like when he fell off the chimney he yelled "Woah!" A chip off ht eold block that one. Good kid really. Good with his hands, And not so good without his hands, When he had those casts on his hands, after that accident with our barbeque, he was no good at all, Couldn't hold a spoon or a cup. But he tried. I'll give him that. Never say die. That's my Milton. he never said die. His mother and I said it sometimes, but he didn't. But then he didn't have to clean up the food he kept dropping. still, he's got the casts off and he's doing great. Got his own... (INDETERMINATE TIME PASSAGE. tape recorder ran out of tape, and the guy operating it had fallen asleep, as had everyone else.)

MUCH LATER...

BILL: ...and Grandma found the lump of peameal bacon in our laundry hamper. But by then it was rottern. And to made a long story short, that's when Marsha decided to study forestry at Trent. And Tammy decided to get her teeth fixed.

RED: (YAWN) Thank you Bill. Anything else? No? Then the meeting is closed and the bar is open.

All: Here, Here! Seconded! Yaayyy!

HAROLD: Wait! It's two in the morning. It's too late. The cash bar is closed. (ANGEY SHOUTS, CURSES, THREATS)

HAROLD: It's not my fault! That;s the law! Stop it! Oh, real nice! Same to you! ....Ouch! Who threw that?! Don't... hey! Oww! Let go of my... Owwwww!

RED: No guys. Settle down. Harold's right. We can't sell beer this late.

ALL: Awwww.

RED: So it's free.

ALL: Yayyyyy! (GENERAL STAMPEDE UPSTAIRS, TWENTY MINUTES OF SILENCE)

O.M. SEDGWICK: Huhn! What? Was I sleeping? Did I miss anything?

I outlived Old Man Sedgewick, and Replaced him and Mike in some Complex/Barely Measured/relevent ways, too, anyway, use any of this in any way, and it's decent; - My Gramma loved the Villain of this show; - that, and viewing him as such is also a good trainer, so that, and the Memorial page is also helpful, imagining her silly, earnest way of talking, in a lighter, slightly quavery voice is good, too.

I also sometimes get anal over art like Bill Watterson; - that'll help too.