Dad Jokes
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What happened to the noodle that went down the drain?
...it pasta way.
Why was the clock bored?
...it had too much time on its hands.
How did the celery get rich?
...it invested in the stalk market.
Follow @mattsurelee on Instagram for hilarious Venn diagrams and charts
How do alligators give people a call?
...they croco-dial the phone!
How do alligators call an amoeba?
...on a cell phone!
How did the alligator remodel its bathroom?
...with reptiles!
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
...an investigator!
It's easy to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile...
...a crocodile will see you in a while, an alligator will see you later.
Some crocodiles got together to write parody songs...
...they started a pun croc band.
My friend Chris was addicted to buying crocs, so his family had to have an intervention because he had hit CROC bottom!
What do you get when you cross a judge and a skunk?
...odor in the court!
What do you get when you cross a dentist and a boat?
...the tooth fairy!
What do you get when you cross a king with a boat?
...leadership!
When does King Arthur do his online shopping?
...at knight!
What happened when the duck saw the ghost?
...he was quacking in his boots!
How does a witch doctor stay in shape?
...they hex-ercise!
Why did the baker go to the bank?
...because he kneaded more dough!
Where do people like to vacation over and over?
...Michigan...and igan and igan...go blue!
What is the difference between a werewolf and cow?
...one howls at the moon, and one jumps over the mooooo-n!
Why did the cow need a tissue?
...for its moo-cus!
Why do cows believe everything you say?
...because they're so gulli-bull!
What is a spider's favorite workout?
...spin class!
What does a rabbit keep forever?
...family hare-looms!
What do you call a dog with earplugs in?
...it doesn't matter because it can't hear you!
Where can you find a beaver and an astronaut together?
...in otter space!
Why couldn’t the astronauts park the space shuttle on the moon?
...because it was full!
What do you call a hamburger in space?
...a meat-eor!
What do TVs wear to the beach?
...sun-screen
How do monsters protect their skin at the beach?
...sun scream!
What does a ghost wear to the beach?
...a boo-kini!
What is something you always leave behind at the beach?
...your footprints!
What do you call a snowman who vacations at the beach?
...a puddle!
What is a tree's least favorite month of the year?
...Sep-timber!
What do you get when you cross a robot and pirate?
...ARRRRR2-D2!
What did the pirate say at his 80th birthday party?
..."I'm eighty!"
What is the big, bad wolf's favorite appetizer?
...pigs in a blanket!
What is Bud Light Seltzer's favorite subject in school?
...Fizz-ics!
Why do you have to keep an eye on your art teacher at all times?
....because she's crafty!
How does an artist get clean?
...she draws a bath!
Why was the witch late for school?
...her broom over-swept!
What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
...spell-ing!
What does a skeleton say when it goes on a cruise?
...bone voyage!
What do you call a field full of eyeballs?
...an eye patch!
Where does Dracula keep his money?
...in a blood bank!
What do you call a beautiful zombie?
...drop-dead gorgeous!
What did one casket say to the other casket?
...is that you coffin?
What do you call a cow with a telescope?
...a star grazer!
How did the turkey get across the lake?
...with a gravy boat!
Why does coffee get in trouble?
...because it's not tea!
How do you know if someone has eaten too much on Thanksgiving?
...they're thank-FULL!
What nationality is Santa Claus?
...North Polish
How much does Santa pay for parking?
...Nothing, it's on the house
Why does Santa go down the chimney?
...Because it soots him
What is a mime’s favorite Christmas carol?
...Silent Night (duh)
Who does Frosty like to visit during the holidays?
...His Aunt Artica
Why did the snowman’s mouth hurt?
...Because he had a coal sore
What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and an evergreen?
...A tree Rex
Why did Rudolph need Candid teeth aligners?
...Because he had buck teeth
What is as big as a polar bear but weighs nothing?
...A polar bear’s shadow
How did the wise men sneak across the desert?
...They had camel-flage
What did the basil say to the oregano?
...“Seasoning’s greetings”
Bonus: Laugh at these 20 haiku poems about 2020
I asked my wife if she heard the joke about the statistician, and she said "probably"...
Every Friday, I make mac and cheese for lunch and say a little prayer, "Rest it peace, boiling water. You will be mist."
What's invisible and makes strange clucking noises all over the house?
...Poultrygeist!
How does the chickenpox charity raise so much money?
...By selling scratch-offs!
Why couldn't the farmer's horse run?
...It was stalled!
What do you get when you cross a genie with a skeleton?
...Wishbones!
What does a skeleton say before dinner?
...Bone-appetit!
What do you call an apology letter for telling terrible jokes written in dots and dashes?
...Re-Morse code!
Steve Martin has a MasterClass that Teaches Comedy, and one key principle from the class is that jokes are funnier when you are a character in the story. You can try sharing these stories with friends for a few laughs...
So this one time I was going on a nature walk to meditate and ran into a wolf, so I taught the wolf how to meditate...
...it's now aware-wolf!
My partner heard a knock at the door, so she went to go see who it was. She yelled to me "honey, there's a salesman at the door with a great beard."
...I shouted back "I already have a great beard!" [insert physical characteristic of your choice]
Last night, my partner ripped the sheets and covers off of me, so I started to complain about being cold...
...she told me I would re-cover!
My partner and I are thinking about opening a new restaurant called Peace and Quiet...
...kids meals will cost $250!
I saw this commercial for a fertilizer that will make your lawn chicken-proof...
... it sounds im-peck-able!
So I bet you have heard of Murphy’s Law…you know…whatever can go wrong, will go wrong…but have you heard of Cole’s Law?
…it’s finely shredded cabbage!
Do you remember the best concert you ever attended?
…I remember mine a few years ago, when I got tickets to a stellar show for only $0.45...it was a 50 Cent concert featuring Nickelback!
I told my wife I was making a bicycle out of spaghetti, but she didn't believe me...
...until I rode straight pasta!
What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
...one is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter!
Do you know where I save all my dad jokes?
...in the dad-a-base!
What did the brother cell say to his sister cell when she stepped on his toe?
...Mitosis!
What's the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
...their seasoning!
Did you hear that scientists can grow human vocal cords in a petri dish?
...the results speak for themselves!
What's the difference between a magician and an animal behavior analyst?
...one pulls rabbits out of hats, and the other pulls habits out of rats!
What's the difference between a very good base runner and a jewel thief?
...one steals one base at a time, and the other steals the whole diamond!
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
...Unique up on it!
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
...The tame way! Unique up on it!
How can you tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile?
...it depends on whether you'll see them later or in a while!