JANES STORY

Janes husband Tim has stopped showing her any affection. It has been going on for over three months. Tim is noticeably quiet when he comes home from work, he is withdrawn and not his usual happy, loving self. He is drinking more than usual, and they have stopped having sex. Jane demands an explanation. Tim tells her there is a problem at work, but Jane refuses to accept his explanation and responds aggressively which ends in their isolation.

Jane is highly suspicious. She has been going through his pockets, his phone, laptop, and checking how much money he is taking from his bank account. She is convinced he is seeing someone else. She is starting to shut down emotionally, putting up a wall of silence in return for his and is harbouring thoughts of revenge.

SARAH'S STORY

Sarah’s husband Jack has stopped showing her any affection. It has been going on for over three months. Jack is noticeably quiet when he comes home from work, he is withdrawn and not his usual happy, loving self. He is drinking more than usual, and they have stopped having sex. Sarah suspects there is a problem at work.

TOXIC BELIEFS

Jane has preconceived ideas about men, her previous husband betrayed her on two occasions. Overall, she believes men are unreliable and untrustworthy, but despite her beliefs she relies heavily on Tim for most things. He is the breadwinner, the decision-maker, the approval giver, the taxi driver, and the maintenance of nearly all aspects of her life.

Sarah on the other hand does not have any preconceived ideas about men. Sarah’s first husband also betrayed her on two occasions, but she believes that was his personal issue. She relies on herself for happiness. She makes her own way in life which includes people, work, hobbies, and interests that make her feel good. When choosing a new partner, she chose one who had a good reputation for being loyal and honest, and to date, there was no evidence to suggest otherwise. Sarah’s approach was to let Jack know she was there for him. Life for Sarah went on as normal.

DECEPTION

It is extremely common for a toxic experience in one relationship to create a toxic belief that is carried into the next. When we see what appears to be similar behaviour in our new partner, we can easily colour it with our previous memories. Before we realise what we have initiated our new relationship is carrying the burden of the last.

What makes matters worse is when we rely so heavily on our partner, like Jane whose reaction was also one of survival. When we have been hurt in previous relationships we will either come out of it as a victim, and fall straight into the arms of another, or stronger and more determined to be independent. Jane left her previous relationship as a victim, and it was Tim who was picking up the pieces.

Jane relied so heavily on Tim, her survival mechanisms were activated. When these powerful states are triggered our mind focuses exclusively on the imposing threat instead of being present and aware of what might be misinterpreted. Janes spiralling thoughts and feelings got the better of her. She had a pressing need to control Tim, or destroy him. Jane’s ability to differentiate between two vastly different people and situations failed her. She shut down emotionally to avoid the discomfort and chose revenge instead of calm communication.

When our fight or flee response is initiated, it sees only the most dramatic and disturbing aspects of a situation. It has no reasoning ability. Jane later found out that Tim's behaviour was due to the stress of being regularly undermined by an extremely competitive work colleague in front of his boss and bore no relationship to her at all. The only deception Jane experienced was the deception of her own beliefs and emotions.

STAYING CURRENT

The act of healing involves letting our feelings be known. When we feel bad about something, we often keep it inside where it tends to build up into resentments and spiralling thoughts. Staying current, letting our feelings be known as they arise, allows the opportunity for reasonable communication and explanations.

If you have genuine feelings that need your partners attention, they need to know about them!