The most common place to find psychological abuse is in a close relationship. This is because it is often difficult to pinpoint an abuser, who on first appearance may seem likeable, charming, confident, and sociable. It is not until the relationship deepens that the problem is uncovered, and it can take many years to realise we are living with abuse. The person can be very proficient at playing into our vulnerabilities. The red flags can be so subtle, they go completely undetected.

This is especially true if our loved one is a covert narcissist, sociopath, or psychopath, who has never been diagnosed by a professional. These types of disorders can be so deeply concealed they can go undetected and overlooked throughout the person's entire life. There is also the possibility that we mistakenly attribute the problem to something else, other mental health issues, drug or alcohol addiction.

THE RED FLAGS

In a relationship the person with any one of these disorders can be particularly characterised by their impaired empathy, lack of intimacy and remorse. They may appear cold and calculating. You may experience this as harsh words when there should be a show of empathy and compassion. They will often try to control how you think and feel and may get angry if thoughts and feelings do not align with theirs, or revolve around them. They may lie, changing the narrative of events. They may have a crushing ability to leave you feeling responsible whenever there is any conflict, despite their obvious culpability. They are adept at twisting things so they always come out on top, which is where they like to be, knowing which buttons to press to silence you. When you approach them with an emotional problem, they will often try to shut your feelings down. Your feelings will either be coldly ignored and discarded, or they will raise their agenda over yours until your need for comfort and affection are abandoned. When you need support, they will cause more distress rather than put their arms around you to comfort you. They find it extremely difficult to be accountable, to change and develop as a person and partner, and in the long term can destroy any hope of being loved, and/or having a life with the one you love. Any investment in the relationship in the hope of getting something out is an uphill battle that simply has no end.

DENIAL

Another problem we may encounter when living with psychological abuse is our own denial. As a means of protecting ourselves from the hurt that comes with being in a painful relationship, we can learn unhealthy methods of blocking out our own feelings and truth. It may begin by simply making excuses for our loved one’s behaviour. Our ability for forgiveness and acceptance may accommodate their conduct despite the hurt they cause. We might go on to further adapt our self and needs to be aligned with theirs, discarding our expectations for authentic love and intimacy, and normalising the situation. We can find ourselves becoming complicit in their behaviour and if they are manipulative enough, come to believe there is not a problem at all. These acts of denial are like building blocks that hide reality behind a veneer of deception and may for a short time act as a barrier against being hurt, but eventually the walls we build to block out the discomfort, also block out the happiness.

If you are living in this kind of relationship, you might have an unhealthy inner life that is not consistent with how you really see yourself and how you believe in your heart of hearts, things should be. You may feel confused about your relationship and be unable to pinpoint the reasons behind your own mental and/or physical health problems. You may have tried for a long time to build yourself up to no avail.

SEEK HELP!

We simply cannot diagnose people through information we have gathered online. We can only use this information to guide us to the right people, and it is important that you protect yourself from further pain and manipulation, that you talk things through and get armed with the right tools to deal with it. Seek help from your nurse or GP who can help you connect with a counsellor.