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A place to launch yourself from..
This simple model shows how roles might play out in our personal style of relating. It highlights three particular common roles, describing the kind of hierarchy that is typical in human relationships. It is a simple reminder of how easy it is for us as human beings to slip into roles that are not fitting for adulthood. We can easily fall into those patterns of behaviour that either take advantage or give too much of ourselves. So where do you and the people you care about fit into this power play?
Parental Role
Parental Role
The Parent is the dominant character at the top of the hierarchy, making decisions for everyone else and applying the discipline and reward required by the child. The parent is often the multi-tasker, taking on the responsibility for the organisation of life and the people in their care. It is a role that is both giving, but dominant.
Child Role
Child Role
The Child is a dependent, needing a consistent set of guidelines to function in an unfamiliar world. They require both positive and negative experiences, approval, and punishment to define behaviour. They are self-sacrificing and surrendering, willing to hand over the control to somebody else.
Adult Role
Adult Role
The Adult is independent. They have formulated a set of empowering beliefs that put them in the driving seat of their own wellbeing and happiness. They are responsible for making their own way in life, making their own decisions, and organising their life in a way that enables them to fulfil their needs, and their desires.
A CAUSE FOR CONFLICT
A CAUSE FOR CONFLICT
When we enter a role in an inappropriate way, we either cause conflict, or we cause the other person to change roles to be in agreement with ours. For example, if we play the role of parent, taking on all those duties that the parent role encompasses:
It will create conflict if the other person is unwilling to take on the child role and give over their power and independence to be dominated.
Or, we may force that person into the child role, and therefore into dependency, an abuse essentially of that person’s ability and right to make their own way and choices.
Similarly, if we play the role of child, handing over our power and our ability to be responsible for ourselves, we force the other person to:
Take on the role of parent, the dominant character and the responsibility that involves, that is of course if they are willing. Often the person being forced to play the parent role will either walk away after a long period of being responsible for everything, or will eventually burn out with carrying all that weight on their shoulders.
THE ADULT ROLE
THE ADULT ROLE
When we take on the adult role, we also force others to take on their adult role. This creates a far more equal and happier relationship. In this role we have a sense of personal pride and power. We can take responsibility for our own life. We are responsible for our part in relationships, both our physical and emotional needs, whilst honouring and cherishing the worth of both ourselves and the other person. The adult both gives and expects to receive in return.
'Assuming we are adults, the best policy is to be deliberately adult at all times.'
'Assuming we are adults, the best policy is to be deliberately adult at all times.'
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