‘All diseases related to addiction are extremely difficult to treat, because the roots are often sunk deep in childhood experiences. But the addiction, which is most attractive to the co-dependent, is that of playing ‘happy families.’

Don’t talk, don’t feel, don’t trust. 

The results of extensive research into co-dependency have shown that this type of behaviour is widely spread throughout society and is expanding. Co-dependents are quite often the partyers, workaholics, hobbyists, over achievers, the people pleasers, the perfect wife, husband, parent. Co-dependent is the term given to any person raised within a dysfunctional family unit who seeks, often with a compulsion, outside sources to provide them with an identifiable self that was never able to fully develop during childhood.

Initially co-dependency was only attributed to people in a relationship governed by the problems of addiction to alcohol, drugs, crisis, and each other. Primarily describing the behaviour of spouses and partners suffering drug and alcohol problems within their relationship and the patterns in their childhood that created a co-dependent behaviour. Our current understanding of co-dependency is far more reaching and embraces the martyr, parents who cannot let go of their children, women who cannot let their partners out of their sight, workers who allow themselves to be used and exploited, the over achiever pushed to the limit requiring the admiration of a superior. It is a term given to any person raised within a traumatic family unit who is emotionally dependent on outside sources to boost their self-esteem.  

We all have some co-dependent tendencies. We all want to be needed. But for those women living within co-dependent relationships, especially if they walk into one disastrous relationship after another, it often means a constant battle for survival against the intense emotional pain they experience.

The co-dependent is often compulsive, rushing into relationships and commitments that ultimately bring further disruption into their lives. It is for the most part a completely unconscious behaviour because during childhood the co-dependent has lived under strict rules that involve denying anything is wrong. Their parents have concealed the traumatic events that went on in their lives, denying the children the right to heal, to understand, the right for them to be children, to be parented under normal and loving circumstances.  The parents are so preoccupied with themselves, each other, and their own cycles of denial, the children are neglected, and often abused.  The co-dependent has suffered the loss of childhood, parenting, feelings, and truth. Outside the family, it has gone unnoticed, and therefore unchallenged. In such circumstances the wound of the heart never has the opportunity to heal, and the only place a co-dependent can heal, is in an authentic and caring relationship.  

Co-dependency can manifest in a variety of ways. Some of the most common symptoms include:

Difficulty setting boundaries - Co-dependency involves having difficulty setting boundaries and saying no to others. The co-dependent will feel guilt or anxiety when they assert their own needs and wants.

People-pleasing - Co-dependent individuals often prioritise the needs of others over their own. They may go out of their way to make others happy, even at their own expense.

Low self-esteem - Co-dependent individuals may have a negative self-image and feel unworthy of love and validation.

Control issues - Co-dependent individuals may try to control their environment and the people in it in order to feel safe and secure.

Difficulty expressing emotions - Co-dependent individuals may have difficulty expressing their own emotions and needs. They may suppress their emotions in order to avoid conflict or to keep others happy.

Intense emotions – The co-dependent may experience intense emotions that are violent, jealous, dysfunctional. 

Lack of Self – The co-dependent has difficulty discerning their self and often feels fake and lacking in authenticity.

Living behind a persona – The co-dependent hides their pain behind a persona that denies anything is wrong, that they provide nothing but a loving nurturing home, and may deny that they are anything less than perfect. The primary need experienced by the co-dependent is one of survival.    

How to Begin Healing from Co-dependency

Healing from co-dependency can be a challenging process, but it is possible:

Seek counselling and therapy - Counselling can be a valuable tool for exploring the root causes of co-dependency and developing new coping skills.

Set boundaries - Learning to set boundaries and say no to others can be a powerful way to reclaim your own needs and wants.

Build an authentic self - Take up activities that are chiefly yours. Develop and grow personal interests outside the person or people who are at the centre of your obsession.

Practice self-care - Self-care activities, such as exercise, meditation, and spending time in nature, can help you develop a stronger sense of self and self-worth.

Build a support system - Surrounding yourself with supportive people who want for nothing but the pleasure of your friendship. People that help you feel loved and validated without relying on your co-dependent behaviours.

Build a spiritual life - Long term painful experiences require profound facilitators to help over the most difficult hurdles. When we don’t have the power within ourselves a spiritual life can make all the difference, especially with addiction.  

Reconstruct unhealthy patterns. Break the old rules:

Suppression into acknowledgement.

Rigidity into flexibility. 

Denial into expression.

Silence into acceptance.

Isolation into Intimacy.

Giving into mutual exchange.

QUESTIONAIRE

Delve deeply into the query of whether you have positive self-regard and self-worth, and how you might build it up in places where it is low.

How would I like to be different and more of myself around people?

What aspects of my behaviour and actions would I really like to change?

How would I like to be different around the people I love and my friends?

In what specific situations would I like to feel and behave differently?

What are some good reasons to value myself and believe in my human worth?

What things do I do for others at the expense of myself?

What things do I do to please others at the expense of myself?

What thoughts and rules make me believe I should put others first?

Are they my genuine thoughts and rules or something I have come to believe?

Am I devaluing or hurting myself by putting others first, and if so, how?

What boundaries and rules can I set to make giving and taking more equal? 

How can I take a compassionate view of myself in the light of this new information?

What advice would I give to a family member or friend in this situation?

What actions do I need to take to activate change and improvement?

In what prepared or real situation can I test and learn to say ‘no’?

How will I approach and respond to any guilt I may feel?

What else can I do to help build my confidence and self-esteem?