Parental Shame & Working Mums

Parenting is one of the most rewarding experiences in life, but it can also be one of the most challenging. As parents, we want the best for our children, and we do everything we can to ensure their well-being. However, when things don't go as planned, we may feel guilty or ashamed.

Parental shame is a feeling of guilt that parents experience when they believe they have failed in their parental role. It can be triggered by a range of situations, including:

Making a mistake in parenting.

Being judged by others for their parenting style or their child's behaviour.

Comparing themselves to other parents who seem to be doing a better job.

Feeling like they are not meeting their own expectations or the expectations of others.

Working Mothers

Working mothers face a unique set of challenges when it comes to parenting. They not only have to juggle the demands of their job but also the responsibilities of caring for their children or other dependents. This can lead to feelings of guilt and shame, as they may worry that they are not giving enough attention to their family.

Homemaker V Working Mum

With men being urged to take a bigger role in caring for their children, and nurseries catering for children from birth, the choice to have children, a career, or to combine the two with the shared care of a partner or with outside support is largely expected. This freedom of 'choice' however has come at a high price with the homemaker feeling deprived of value, whilst other mums’ despair with a bigger burden of responsibility of both working and caring for their children. In terms of overall change, it is still very much the woman’s role to manage and organize the support structure of her family, and as women enter more jobs with greater responsibilities, the stress and anxiety involved in juggling endless obligations is taking its toll. At risk is the ambitious career Mum hoping to work her way up the ladder with little or no real support for her aspirations, and the young Mum at home all day with only one or two children for company. 

Burnout

The number of women being prescribed antidepressants in the UK alone has doubled over the last decade and is steadily increasing year on year. The number of women seeking outside help is at its highest. The expectations placed on women can be set so high they have repeated failures in their health, both physical and mental. It is more important than ever for women to question what they believe their greatest strengths are and make choices based on their own genuine ability, rather than outside pressure. What we do with our children today is the compass they will use to direct their own lives. Whatever expectations we place on ourselves must be realistic and workable. Keeping ourselves and our children safe should be our number one priority.  

Excessive Shame

Parental shame can be particularly challenging for women, who may feel like they are constantly being judged by others for their decision to work. They may feel pressure to be the perfect parent and worry that their children will suffer if they cannot be there for every moment. While some level of guilt or self-reflection can be healthy and lead to positive changes in parenting, excessive shame can be harmful. It can lead to feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and depression, and may even affect the parent-child relationship.

Understanding and overcoming the burden of guilt:

1. Challenge unrealistic expectations: Recognize that there is no such thing as a perfect parent. It is normal to struggle with balancing work and parenting, and it is okay to ask for help when you need it.

2. Communicate with your employer: If possible, have an open and honest conversation with your employer about your family responsibilities. See if there are any flexible working arrangements that could help you balance work and parenting.

3. Focus on quality time: Instead of trying to be there for every moment, focus on making the time you do have with your children meaningful and memorable. Try to carve out specific times in your day or week for one-on-one time with your children.

4. Let go of guilt: Remember that it is okay to take care of yourself too. Take breaks when you need them, and don't feel guilty for needing time for yourself.

5. Seek support: Talk to other working moms who may be going through similar challenges. Seek support from friends, family, or a counsellor who can help you navigate the challenges of parenting and working.

6. Practice self-compassion: Be kind and understanding towards yourself. Recognise that parenting is a difficult job, and that everyone makes mistakes.

7. Challenge your thoughts: When you notice negative thoughts or self-talk, challenge them with evidence and facts. Ask yourself if your thoughts are based on reality, or if they are distorted by shame.

8. Reframe your weaknesses: Instead of seeing weaknesses as a reflection of your worth as a parent, try to see them as opportunities for growth and learning. Reframe your weaknesses as temporary setbacks, rather than permanent flaws.

9. Focus on the positives: Make a conscious effort to focus on your strengths and successes as a parent. Celebrate the things you do well and remind yourself that you are doing the best you can.

"Life can feel heavy when everything rests on your shoulders. Give yourself permission to pause, reflect, reconnect with yourself — without judgement, pressure, or quick fixes."