"Your honour," said the said the smartest lawyer in the in the world,
"my client is not guilty. He merely inserted his arm into a window and stole some jewelry.His arm is not himself. I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence commited by one arm."
"I agree"nodded the judge. " I hereby sentence the defendant's
arm to one year in prison. He may accompany the arm or not."
"Thank you, Your Honour," said the defendant as he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
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A man was driving well above the speed limit when a police car suddenly emerged from behind, sirens blaring. Thinking he'd out pace the cop, the man pushed his accelerator to the floor. His car speed rose to sixty, then seventy, eighty, and ninety. Finally, the man thought, what the heck, and pulled over, ready to receive a speeding ticket.
The police officer got out, leaned over the man and said: .
Listen, Mister, I have had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go..
The man thought for a moment and said: .Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your car in my mirror, I thought you were that officer and were trying to give her back to me...
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Women.... Women
Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one has to drop off. Otherwise they are all going to fall.
They were not able to choose that person, but then the woman made a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because as a woman she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids, and for men in general, without ever getting anything in return.
As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping their hands.
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PSEUDO PSYCHIC
A woman went to the local psychic in hopes of contacting her dearly departed grandmother.
The psychic's eyelids begin fluttering and she begins moaning. Eventually, a voice comes, saying, "Granddaughter? Are you there?"
The granddaughter, wide-eyed responds, "Grandma? Is that you?"
"Yes granddaughter, it's me."
"It's really you, Grandma?" the woman repeats.
"Yes, it's really me, granddaughter. "
The woman pauses a moment, "Grandma, I have just one question for you."
"Anything, my child."
"When did you learn to speak English?"
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I Feel Insulted
A lady with her baby is sitting in a bus beside the driver… "What an ugly baby!", said the driver to the lady.
Feeling insulted, she moved to another seat and murmurred a few things under her breathe. The man next to her asked, "What happened?"
"The driver just insulted me!" she cried. Sympathetic, the man offered, "That bastard, he shouldn't have insulted you! Go, get his number. I'll hold your monkey for you."