Borowitz Report
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All reports after 8/26/20 are on this one googledoc.
Borowitz Reports (SATIRE) are posted at NewYorker.com. The NewYorker allows non-subscribers to only view a TOTAL of 5 NewYorker articles per month, so I subscribed and began reformatting reports to simple text to share them on this single webpage. I email (blind-copy email addresses) reports (as soon as I discover them by checking the NewYorker often) to trusted friends who appreciate his humor. Email me at jhmathgal at gmail dot com if you want to be on my Borowitz friends contact list. If you copy and share anything from this or my new page on social media, please do NOT share my name, email or site. If you email it to someone you trust, you can give them the link of the googledoc above.
Reports below are in reverse chronological order.
8/26/20 Hundreds of R.N.C. Attendees Test Positive for Delusion
CHARLOTTE (The Borowitz Report)—An outbreak hit the 2020 Republican National Convention this week as hundreds of attendees tested positive for delusion.
While public-health experts have yet to determine the extent of the outbreak, the episodes of attendees exhibiting magical thinking bordering on the hallucinatory appear to be widespread.
Davis Logsdon, who studies delusional epidemics at the University of Minnesota’s School of Medicine, said that multiple R.N.C. participants professed to see things “that are not actually there,” such as a strong economy, a successful coronavirus response, and an immigration policy brimming with kindness.
In another worrying symptom, Logsdon said that attendees who tested positive were unable to see things that were clearly in their line of vision. “One participant on Monday was shouting for more than six minutes despite the presence of a microphone inches away from her,” he said.
While scientists tried to get their arms around the extent of the outbreak, containing the spread of delusion at the R.N.C. will be “challenging,” Logsdon warned.
“The most successful treatment for delusion is facts, and these patients have built up an immunity to those over the course of many years,” he said.
8/25/20 Melania Trump to Read Passages from Her Best-Selling Book, “Becoming”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Melania Trump gave a sneak preview of her speech at the 2020 Republican National Convention by revealing that she would be reading passages from her best-selling memoir, “Becoming.”
“I asked myself, what’s the best way for people to learn more about me?” Melania told reporters at the White House. “The answer came loud and clear: my book be best.”
Trump said that she had chosen passages from her book that describe her childhood in Chicago and her education at Harvard Law School.
“I am going to be introducing the American people to a Melania they never knew, Chicago lawyer lady,” she said.
She said that, unlike in 2016, she was not concerned about what critics might say about her R.N.C. speech this year. “When they get low, we get high,” she said.
8/24/20 Bannon Selling Ten-Thousand-Dollar Passes to View Live Stream of Republican Convention
CHARLOTTE (The Borowitz Report)—In what he is calling “the opportunity of a lifetime,” Steve Bannon is offering an exclusive ten-thousand-dollar pass to view a live stream of the 2020 Republican National Convention.
The pass, which Bannon is marketing as the magaViewPass™, will offer customers “a one-of-a-kind chance to see the R.N.C. live, as it happens,” according to his promotional Web site.
“With the magaViewPass™, you’ll be able to bring the excitement of the R.N.C. into your own home, as you experience the pageantry of the Republican National Convention on your TV, tablet, or phone,” the Web site promises.
Additionally, Bannon’s site claims, those who purchase the magaViewPass™ will get “unprecedented access” to live speeches by Vice-President Mike Pence, Melania Trump, and “Donald J. Trump himself.”
“You won’t see these amazing speeches anywhere else,” the site boasts.
The magaViewPass™ site asserts that “nearly one hundred per cent” of proceeds will be donated to Trump’s reëlection effort, with a small fraction covering miscellaneous expenses, including but not limited to Bannon’s bail.
8/24/20 Republican National Convention to Air on Syfy Channel
CHARLOTTE (The Borowitz Report)—The 2020 Republican National Convention will make history this week when it airs on Syfy for the first time ever.
Harland Dorrinson, a programming executive for the science-fiction channel, called the 2020 R.N.C. a “perfect fit for Syfy.”
“We’d been looking for some fresh science fiction/fantasy programming to spice up our summer schedule,” he said. “We feel like we’ve hit the motherlode.”
Previewing the science-fiction scenarios that the R.N.C. will likely feature, he said, “We’re hoping that Trump unveils some of his amazing mad-scientist potions and Pence does something cool about Space Force. The whole show is very on brand for us.”
The decision to broadcast the R.N.C., however, drew howls of protest from Syfy viewers who were furious to see the Convention preëmpt their favorite programs.
“The Republican National Convention does not belong on Syfy,” one irate viewer complained. “Science fiction has to be at least based on science.”
8/21/20 Trump Calls Biden’s Pro-Empathy Message Offensive to Sociopaths
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “hurtful and insulting,” Donald J. Trump on Friday said that Joe Biden’s pro-empathy speech at the Democratic National Convention was “deeply offensive” to the nation’s sociopaths.
Blasting Biden’s incendiary pro-compassion rhetoric, Trump said that the “roomful of sociopaths” with whom he watched the speech found it “alienating and divisive.”
“I was watching with Jared, Stephen Miller, and Mitch McConnell, and when Biden started in on the empathy stuff, we all felt very alone,” he said. “He said that he wants to be a President for all Americans, but I guess that doesn’t include sociopaths.”
Calling Biden “a puppet of compassionate extremists,” he demanded that the former Vice-President apologize to every sociopath in the country.
“Sociopaths have feelings, just not for other people,” he said.
Click for one article that may have prompted this report.
8/20/20 Trump Fails Cognitive Test When Asked to Remember Steve Bannon
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s stellar reputation for mental acuity took a hit on Thursday when he failed a cognitive test in which he was asked to remember Steve Bannon.
According to the White House physician, Trump was shown several pictures and asked to identify them, including ones of a woman, a man, a camera, a TV, and Steve Bannon.
“He nailed woman, man, camera, and TV but drew a blank when it came to Steve Bannon,” the physician said. “He said he was unfamiliar with that picture and could not remember ever seeing that person before.”
After repeated attempts to jog Trump’s memory concerning the identity of Steve Bannon, including writing the name Steve Bannon on a notecard and showing it to him, the physician gave up trying.
On a positive note, the physician said, Trump’s cognition appeared to improve later in the morning, when he was able to block Steve Bannon on Twitter, Facebook, and his phone.
8/20/20 Obama Renews Lease Inside Trump’s Head
PHILADELPHIA (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama announced on Wednesday night that he had renewed his lease inside Donald Trump’s head.
Obama, who took up residence in Trump’s head during the 2011 White House Correspondents’ Association dinner, said that his new lease will run until November 3rd of this year.
“I’ve enjoyed living there for the past nine years,” Obama said. “It’s really the only Trump property I’d ever consider staying in.”
He confirmed reports that, as of Monday night, his wife, Michelle Obama, had also taken up residence in Trump’s head.
“Fortunately, there’s plenty of room for both of us,” he said.
Click for one article that may have prompted this report.
8/19/20 Melania to Deliver Convention Speech from Empty Classroom at Trump University
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “a great idea I just had,” Melania Trump said on Wednesday morning that she would deliver her Republican National Convention speech from an empty classroom at Trump University.
Trump said that, to set the stage for her speech, she would stroll down the hallway of the now shuttered educational institution before settling in at a desk in one of its many disused classrooms.
She indicated that she would use the intimate setting to talk about the many personal challenges that her husband, Donald J. Trump, has faced in his life.
“There was that very sad day when he found out that he had bone spurs and could not serve in Vietnam,” she said. “But he somehow stood tall and went on to inherit hundreds of millions of dollars from his father.”
Trump added that, if her husband is reëlected, she hopes that the halls of Trump University “will be full once again with the happy pitter-patter of students hoping to make fortunes in real estate.”
“That be best,” she said.
Click for one article that may have prompted this report.
8/18/20 Susan B. Anthony Begs Trump Not to Pardon Her: “I Don’t Want to Be on a Wikipedia Page with Roger Stone”
HEAVEN (The Borowitz Report)—In a rare utterance from beyond the grave, Susan B. Anthony on Tuesday begged Donald J. Trump not to pardon her, stating, “I don’t want to be on the same Wikipedia page as Roger Stone.”
Noting that an entire Wikipedia page had been created to record the people to whom Trump had granted executive clemency, Anthony said, “It wasn’t exactly my dream to wind up on the same list as a guy with a Nixon tattoo on his back.”
In a further expression of horror, Anthony told Trump, “Plus, pardoning me would mean that you would now be on my Wikipedia page. I am physically shuddering up here.”
Anthony noted that it was “super ironic” that Trump planned to pardon her on the same day that he blasted Michelle Obama. “It would be cool if you were as nice to historic women who are still alive as you are to dead ones,” she said.
8/17/20 Harris Tells Trump She Cannot Send Him Birth Certificate Without Postal Service
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An apologetic Kamala Harris told Donald J. Trump on Monday that she will be unable to provide him with a certified copy of her birth certificate in the absence of a fully functioning postal service.
“In order to obtain a copy of my birth certificate, I have to send a letter to the California Department of Public Health,” she said. “That is really tricky to do without a mailbox.”
If the C.D.P.H. somehow receives her letter, Senator Harris said, “it will then have to mail my birth certificate back to me—again, a difficult task if there is no mail.”
Harris informed Trump that, if by some miracle she were to receive her birth certificate in the mail, “I would then have to mail it to you. Again, not easy.”
The senator said that she was “deeply sorry” that the United States Postal Service’s funding problems would make getting her birth certificate to Trump so challenging.
“I know that the question of my birth has been a cause of great distress to you,” she said. “I would do anything to ease your mind about this issue.”
She concluded her letter by saying that she was unsure whether her letter would ever arrive.
8/16/20 Bill Barr Injures Back While Trying to Lift Mailbox Into Truck
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Attorney General William Barr suffered what was described as a “severe back strain” while trying to lift a mailbox into a pickup truck on Saturday.
According to Barr, he tried to give the mailbox “one good yank” to heave it into the truck, when he heard “something go pop” in his back.
“I remember thinking, Hoo, boy, that’s not good,” Barr said.
At the White House, Donald J. Trump said that the injury to Barr was “disgraceful” and yet another argument against mail-in voting.
“How can we expect the Postal Service to run a fair election when a mailbox almost killed poor Bill Barr?” he asked. “It’s something we’re going to be looking into very strongly.”
As for Barr, who is recovering at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, the Attorney General acknowledged that lifting mailboxes was “probably a two-man job,” and said that next time he would get Mike Pence to help.
8/15/20 Trump Questions Whether Oakland Is Located in United States
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump stirred controversy on Saturday by questioning whether the city of Oakland was located in the United States of America.
“Some very smart people are wondering about that,” Trump told reporters at the White House. “It’s something that needs to be looked into.”
Trump explained that Oakland was “probably a completely different country,” because “a lot of countries end in the word ‘land.’ ”
“You’ve got countries like Ireland, Iceland, and Greenland,” he said. “So you probably would have to add a country like Oakland to that list.”
Trump’s suffix-based theory of countries drew a question from one of the reporters present, CNN’s Jim Acosta.
“Portland also ends in ‘land,’ ” Acosta said. “Does that mean that, when you sent federal troops to Portland, you were invading a foreign country?”
“No, that means you’re a terrible person,” Trump replied.
Click for one article that may have prompted this report.
8/14/20 Obama Hurt By Trump’s Reuse of Birther Strategy: “I Thought It Was a Special Thing Between Him and Me”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama said on Friday that he was “deeply saddened” to hear Donald J. Trump reuse his racist birther strategy this week, stating, “I thought that it was a special thing between him and me.”
His voice cracking with emotion, Obama said that, during all the years Trump launched birther attacks against him, “I was under the impression that he was crafting those lies for me and me alone.”
“I guess I was wrong,” he said wistfully.
Hearing Trump employ identical slurs against someone new “cheapened the memory of our years together,” Obama said.
“I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt,” he added.
Obama also had words of warning for Senator Kamala Harris. “Don’t make the mistake I made and think that he really cares about where you were born,” he said. “Eventually, he’ll just move on and question the birthplace of someone else. I found out the hard way.”
8/13/20 TRUMP ACCUSES KAMALA HARRIS OF MALICIOUSLY SPEAKING IN COMPLETE SENTENCES
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a blistering takedown of Joe Biden’s running mate, Donald Trump on Thursday accused Senator Kamala Harris of maliciously speaking in complete sentences.
Blasting her penchant for hewing to the rules of grammar, Trump said, “A lot of people are saying, mean, nasty, disrespectful. To a new level, like you wouldn’t believe.”
“Sad,” he said. “Sick and sad.”
Trump also was contemptuous of Biden, noting, “Sleepy Joe—something’s going on.”
“Quite frankly,” he added.
In his most withering criticism, Trump suggested that Harris’s stubborn insistence on making subjects agree with verbs was an insult to every American voter.
“Woman bad,” he said.
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8/12/20 Harris’s Approval Rating Soars After Trump Reminds Nation How “Nasty” She Was to Kavanaugh
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Kamala Harris saw her approval rating soar on Tuesday after Donald J. Trump reminded the American people that she had been “nasty” to Brett Kavanaugh during his confirmation hearings.
In interviews across the country, voters expressed gratitude to Trump for reminding them that Harris had been responsible for one of their favorite televised moments in recent history.
“When Trump said that she had been ‘nasty’ to Kavanaugh, I had to go to YouTube and relive that glorious event,” Carol Foyler, who lives in Springfield, Missouri, said. “It really holds up.”
Harland Dorrinson, who lives in Wichita, Kansas, agreed. “Watching Kamala Harris own Kavanaugh made me happy for weeks,” he said. “I have to thank Trump for making that happy memory come flooding back.”
Canter Lisson, who lives in Portland, Maine, also appreciated being reminded of Harris’s demolition of Kavanaugh, but he sounded a wistful note.
“It’s too bad that, if she’s elected Vice-President, she won’t have many opportunities to be ‘nasty’ to Brett Kavanaugh,” he said. “Still, I’ll always be grateful for the one time I saw her be ‘nasty’ to him. It gave me a reason to live.”
8/11/20 Trump Praises Woodrow Wilson for Opposing Online Learning During 1918 Pandemic
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a rare instance of praising one of his White House predecessors, Donald J. Trump on Tuesday hailed Woodrow Wilson for opposing efforts to institute online learning during the 1918 pandemic.
“There were a lot of crybabies in 1918 saying, ‘The schools aren’t safe—let the kids learn on their computers,’ ” Trump told reporters at the White House. “Woody wouldn’t hear of it.”
Instead, Trump said, “Kids went to school and the influenza just kind of disappeared eventually. Woody did a fantastic job.”
Trump added that, during the 1918 pandemic, “The hallways of schools were jammed with kids. I wish one of those kids had taken a picture with his phone so we could see it today.”
Wilson’s opposition to online learning inspired Trump to demand in-person schooling for all American children, he revealed.
“It’s important for them to be in school so they can be as knowledgeable about history as I am,” he said. “The pandemic of 1918 was one of the main causes of the War of 1812.”
8/10/20 Trump Signs New Executive Order Granting Himself Unemployment Check in January
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump raised eyebrows on Monday by signing an executive order granting himself a million-dollar unemployment check if he leaves office in January.
Trump said that he will deserve the seven-figure check if the election is “stolen” by what he called “a conspiracy between the U.S. Postal Service and Antifa.”
In a further defense of the huge payment, Trump said, “If I’m out of a job, Ivanka, Eric, and Don, Jr., will be, too.”
The executive order immediately drew howls of protest from congressional Democrats, as well as from the Republican senator Ben Sasse, who called it “a steaming pile of constitutional crap.”
Unmoved, Trump called the Nebraska senator “Poor Li’l Sassy” and argued that the executive order was a “work of genius” that should guarantee him a place on Mt. Rushmore.
“Those beauties like Lincoln and Jefferson never thought of anything this smart,” he said. “They would be lucky if I let my head be carved out of the same rock as theirs.”
8/10/20 Trump Accuses Biden of Dragging out V.P. Search Instead of Picking First Clown Who Says Yes
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump ridiculed Joe Biden on Monday for dragging out his search for a running mate instead of “picking the first clown who says yes.”
“Sleepy Joe is wasting time with all this vetting,” Trump told reporters. “Just pick someone who’s totally desperate.”
“Find an elected official who doesn’t have a chance in hell of getting reëlected in his home state,” he said. “He’ll be overjoyed that you saved him from the junk heap.”
Additionally, Trump said, one should choose a Vice-Presidential candidate “who’s so hopeless, he couldn’t get a real job if he tried.”
“The more pathetic he is, the better,” the President said.
Trump noted that choosing a candidate who is “terrified he’ll never work again” has major benefits if one ultimately makes it to the White House.
“He’ll spend the next four years sucking up to you like you wouldn’t believe,” Trump said. “It’s a beautiful thing.”
Click for one article that may have prompted this report.
8/8/20 Americans Oppose More Payments to Man Who Is Not Working
[Imagine there is a photo of Mitch McConnell right here.]
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Americans are vehemently opposed to issuing more government payments to a Kentucky man who has not been working during the coronavirus crisis.
According to reports, the man has been receiving a weekly check amounting to over three thousand dollars for doing nothing, all at taxpayers’ expense.
Harland Dorrinson, the executive director of a watchdog group called Americans Against Waste and Abuse, called the payments to this non-working individual “nothing short of scandalous.”
“If you do the math, he is receiving checks that add up to $174,000 a year,” Dorrinson said. “Under those circumstances, what is his incentive to work?”
Dorrinson said that the payments the man has been receiving should be cut off “immediately” and sent to someone who is providing essential services during the pandemic, like a health-care worker or first responder.
As for the Kentucky man, Dorrinson said, “It’s time for him to stop living off the government and show some personal responsibility.”
8/6/20 Trump Considering Replacing Pence with Confederate Statue
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Alarmed by his plunging poll numbers, Donald J. Trump is actively considering replacing Mike Pence on the G.O.P. ticket with a Confederate statue, White House sources have revealed.
According to the sources, Trump is currently considering a short list of Confederate monuments to swap for Pence, including statues of Robert E. Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and Jefferson Davis.
Reportedly, Trump believes that replacing Pence with a Confederate statue is just what his campaign needs to energize his base.
“Plus, he’ll finally have someone in his inner circle who won’t write a book,” one source said.
According to the same source, choosing among the Confederate statues is shaping up to be the toughest decision of Trump’s Presidency. “He thinks they’re all very fine people,” the source said.
But another White House insider was less sanguine about the strengths a Confederate statue would bring to Trump’s reëlection effort.
“Replacing Pence with an inanimate object seems like a wash to me,” the insider said.
Click for one article that may have prompted this report.
8/5/20 Americans Support Using U.S. Postal Service to Ship Trump to Different Address
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a major vote of confidence for the embattled agency, a new poll reveals that a majority of Americans support using the United States Postal Service to ship Donald Trump to a new address in January.
While it has become a tradition for outgoing Presidents to depart 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue via helicopter, Americans “strongly agree” that using the U.S. Mail to remove Trump would be preferable, the poll finds.
Americans agreed that, after a new President is inaugurated, on January 20th, Trump should be left on the curb outside the White House for pickup by a local mail carrier.
Additionally, there was a strong consensus for sending Trump to his new address via Priority Mail Express to insure that he is dispatched as quickly as possible.
Although Americans were divided as to what Trump’s new address should be, there was substantial support for overnighting him to Cyrus Vance, Jr., the New York County District Attorney.
Click for one article that may have prompted this report.
8/4/20 Americans Insanely Jealous of Spain After Corrupt Head of State Flees Country
MADRID (The Borowitz Report)—Americans are insanely jealous of Spain after its disgraced former head of state Juan Carlos announced on Monday that he was fleeing the country.
In interviews across the U.S., Americans expressed dismay and frustration that multiple criminal investigations were “all it took” for the former Spanish ruler to voluntarily leave Spain forever.
“So wait, in Spain, if a leader is being investigated for financial crimes and tax evasion, he just writes a letter saying goodbye and then he leaves?” Carol Foyler, who lives in Topeka, Kansas, said. “Whoa.”
Tracy Klugian, who hails from Butte, Montana, harbored similar feelings of jealousy when he learned of Juan Carlos’s self-exile. “So, basically, the people of Spain will never have to see or hear from this corrupt narcissist again?” he said. “Man.”
Harland Dorrinson, who lives in St. Louis, said that he was seething with envy when he learned that Juan Carlos might have already fled to the Dominican Republic, some four thousand miles away from Spain.
“Four thousand miles away from Washington is basically the North Pole,” he said. “Why does Spain get all the good things?”
8/3/20 Biden Leading Trump Among Voters Who Favor Being Alive
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With fewer than a hundred days until the election, Donald J. Trump is trailing Joe Biden badly among voters who describe themselves as in favor of being alive.
The poll, which was conducted by the University of Minnesota, shows Biden beating Trump by a whopping thirty-one per cent among voters who call continuing to exist the issue that is most important to them.
In several swing states, including Pennsylvania, Michigan, and Wisconsin, Biden has wiped out Trump’s lead by racking up huge margins among the rather-not-die-right-now demographic.
“Trump needs to do something dramatic to show voters that he, too, is in favor of them staying alive,” Davis Logsdon, who supervised the poll, said. “I’m not sure that shooting rubber bullets and tear gas at them sends that message.”
Trump’s new campaign manager, Bill Stepien, accused the media of focussing too much attention on the opinions of voters who wish to continue to breathe because of the press’s own “anti-dying bias.”
“This campaign is working overtime to identify voters who are not in favor of being alive and make sure they know that President Trump is on their side,” he said.
8/2/20 Trump Warns That Mail-In Ballots Could Result in Voting
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the situation a “total disaster,” Donald J. Trump warned on Sunday that the use of mail-in ballots could result in voting.
Appearing on Fox News, Trump said that there were “all kinds of studies” showing a “direct link” between mail-in ballots and votes cast.
“Wherever you’ve had mail-in ballots, there have been widespread cases of voting,” he said. “We’re not going to let that happen.”
He said that other countries have solved the problem of “too many votes” by banning mail-in ballots altogether.
“You look at North Korea,” Trump said. “They don’t have mail-in ballots. They barely have mail. They’re doing an amazing job.”
Raising another issue with what he called “excessive voting,” Trump warned that “the more votes you have, the higher the number you have to count to.”
“When I took my cognitive test, I had to count to ten, and that was no walk in the park,” he said. “And now you’re telling me there’s somebody out there who can count into the millions? Give me a break.”
Click for one article that may have prompted this report.
7/31/20 Fauci Would Have Thought Twice About Career in Medicine Had He Known It Meant Someday Talking to Jim Jordan
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci said on Friday that he would have “thought twice” about pursuing a career in medicine had he known that it would lead to his talking someday to Representative Jim Jordan.
Speaking to reporters after his congressional testimony, Fauci said that, during his appearance in the hearing room, he had been revisiting the series of life choices that had resulted in his being forced to hear Jordan speak.
“I could have done so many other things with my life,” the esteemed virologist said. “I could have been a firefighter. I was actually a pretty good dancer back in the day. I could have given that a shot.”
Reflecting on those roads not taken, Fauci added, “Had I chosen any of those fields, you can bet your bottom dollar I wouldn’t have spent today having to listen to Jim Jordan. Those are minutes I’ll never get back.”
Fauci clarified that he was “very grateful” for his career as an epidemiologist but added, “Let’s not kid ourselves. If I were a professional dancer, there’s about a zero-per-cent chance I would ever be in the same room as Jim Jordan. Oh, well—it is what it is.”
7/31/20 Trump Signs Executive Order Banning Month of November
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump stirred controversy on Friday by signing an executive order that would ban the month of November.
While legal scholars protested that he did not have the right to reduce the number of months in a year from twelve to eleven, Trump argued that “the Constitution doesn’t say anything about how many months you have to have.”
“All of those smart guys like Jefferson and Madison, those beauties, this is something they didn’t think of,” he said. “I got them on the months.”
Trump said that eliminating November from the calendar was “long overdue,” calling it “a rigged month.”
“November is a hoax,” he said. “Some people say it may not even be a real month.”
Responding to a reporter’s question about the future of Thanksgiving, Trump said that “nobody will miss it.”
“Just ask anyone in this country,” he said. “Nobody has anything to be thankful for.”
Click for one article that may have prompted this report.
7/29/20 Aliens Issue Statement Asserting That Sex with Them Does Not Spread the Coronavirus
OUTER SPACE (The Borowitz Report)—In a rare public statement by beings from another planet, a group of prominent aliens declared on Wednesday that having sex with them does not spread the coronavirus.
In the statement, which the aliens published on Medium, the space creatures expressed concern that the dissemination of pseudoscience about sex with demons and alien DNA might cause some Earthlings to erroneously conclude that intimate relations with aliens were in some way a health risk.
“We can assure you, based on years of research, that it is perfectly safe for Earthlings to have sex with aliens,” the aliens wrote. “In this, as in all matters, it’s important to follow the science.”
The extraterrestrials added that the coronavirus pandemic had caused them to rethink their planned invasion of the planet Earth, which had been pencilled in for later this year.
The aliens indicated that they would now limit their invasion to places like Canada and New Zealand, but would avoid the United States.
7/28/20 Barr Denies Testifying Before Congress
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Attorney General William Barr stirred controversy on Tuesday by categorically denying during his congressional testimony that he was testifying before Congress.
“I am not now nor have I ever testified before the House Judiciary Committee,” Barr told the House Judiciary Committee. “Any suggestion to the contrary is a flat-out lie.”
After the chairman of the committee, Representative Jerrold Nadler, claimed that he could see Barr sitting several feet away from him, Barr came out swinging.
“I am not going to respond to hypothetical questions about where I may or may not be sitting at any given moment,” Barr retorted.
Barr’s steadfast denial that he was testifying before Congress drew the ire of Nadler, who said that Barr’s prevarication was unbecoming of the Attorney General of the United States.
Barr’s response was swift and fierce. “I am not the Attorney General, and any assertion that I am is patently absurd,” he said.
At the end of the hearing, one of Barr’s fellow-Republicans on the committee, Representative Jim Jordan, apologized to Barr for the going-over he had received from Democrats.
“Given how badly you were treated today, I don’t blame you one bit for not being here,” Jordan said.
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7/28/20 Trump Accuses Fauci of Using Fifty Years of Experience as Doctor to Win People’s Trust
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Unveiling a new conspiracy theory, Donald Trump on Tuesday accused Anthony Fauci of using his fifty years of experience as a doctor to win people’s trust.
Appearing on Fox News, Trump would not disclose the source of the theory, saying only, “This is something a lot of people are talking about.”
“Tony Fauci graduated first in his medical school class, in 1966, because he knew that would make him look good someday,” Trump told Sean Hannity. “He’s been planning this for a long, long time.”
Fauci went on to become a leading epidemiologist as part of a carefully plotted scheme to give himself credibility, Trump alleged.
“He spent years working on H.I.V., aids, Ebola, you name it,” Trump charged. “Anthony Fauci would stop at nothing to make himself look like an expert.”
Trump said he was baffled by polls showing that Americans overwhelmingly trust Fauci more than him when it comes to the coronavirus pandemic.
“There is zero difference between me and Tony Fauci, except for fifty years of so-called medical experience,” he said.
Click for one article that may have prompted this report.
7/27/20 Rand Paul Thanks Tom Cotton for Replacing Him as Most Hated Person in Senate
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it the “passing of the baton,” Senator Rand Paul on Monday thanked Senator Tom Cotton for replacing him as the most hated person in the United States Senate.
Paul expressed surprise and no small amount of admiration at Cotton’s feat, telling reporters that being ousted from the most-detested perch was “something that, quite frankly, I didn’t see coming.”
“When I started attacking Dr. Fauci, I pretty much thought I had the title sewn up,” Paul said. “What I didn’t count on was that someone like Tom was going to come out of nowhere, saying slavery was necessary.”
According to Senate insiders, Cotton beat out a daunting field of competitors for Senator Paul’s crown, including Mitch McConnell, Susan Collins, and Ted Cruz.
While he praised Cotton’s audacity in snatching the most-loathed mantle, Paul warned that keeping the title for the long haul is another challenge altogether.
“Becoming despised is easy—staying despised is what separates the men from the boys,” Paul said. “Having said that, I firmly believe that Tom Cotton has what it takes.”
7/25/20 Obama Passes Cognitive Test by Reciting the First Fifty Digits of Pi
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Barack Obama recently passed a cognitive test that required him to recite the first fifty digits of Pi, the former President has disclosed.
Obama took the test voluntarily, he said, in order to reassure his employers at Netflix that he was “of sound mind.”
“Netflix has made a big investment in me as a producer, and I thought it was important for them to know that I was all right upstairs,” Obama said.
The former President said that he enjoyed taking the test, including a section that required him to memorize and then recite a hundred verses of the Iliad.
“That was actually a lot of fun,” Obama said. “Greek is such a beautiful language.”
Although he passed the test, Obama said that there were moments when he felt “rusty” and “not as sharp as I was back in the day.”
“I definitely need to do some more mental exercises,” he said. “One hour of three-dimensional chess with Bill Gates every morning isn’t getting it done.”
Click for one article that may have prompted this report.
7/24/20 Trump to Throw Out First Amendment at Yankee Stadium
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an event that he described as “historic,” Donald J. Trump announced that he will throw out the First Amendment at Yankee Stadium next month.
“It’s going to be an amazing and fantastic thing I’ll be doing,” Trump said. “I’ve asked a lot of history experts, and they all say that no President has thrown out an amendment before.”
“Obama was President for eight years and never threw out an amendment,” he said. “What a loser.”
Trump said that he had considered throwing out the First Amendment “many, many times before” but had ultimately decided to preserve freedom of the press for his friends at Fox News.
“But, thanks to that beauty Chris Wallace, now I know that Fox is just as nasty and fake as the rest,” he said. “The only real journalist left is that nice lady at OAN.”
When asked how he is preparing for his Yankee Stadium appearance, Trump said that he is consulting with other world leaders who are experienced in throwing out laws.
“I had a terrific conversation with Vladimir Putin,” Trump said. “They don’t have a First Amendment in Russia, but he said that, if they did, he would definitely throw it out. So that made me feel good.”
Trump grew misty-eyed as he contemplated his upcoming visit to Yankee Stadium.
“I can’t believe I’ll be throwing out the First Amendment,” he said. “Every little boy dreams of this.”
7/23/20 Confused Federal Agents Unable to Determine Which Unmarked Van In D.H.S. Garage Is Theirs
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump’s plan to dispatch troops to several American cities has hit a major snag, as federal agents have been unable to determine which unmarked van in the Department of Homeland Security parking garage is theirs.
According to one agent who spoke on condition of anonymity, hundreds of agents are currently wandering around the huge D.H.S. garage in Washington, fruitlessly attempting to locate the correct unmarked van.
“It’s like a baggage-claim nightmare,” the agent complained. “Many unmarked vans look alike.”
Although sending unmarked vans to cities “seemed like a really cool idea at first,” the ensuing confusion might be a compelling reason to “maybe think about going with marked vans instead,” the frustrated agent said.
Speaking to reporters, the acting head of the Department of Homeland Security, Chad Wolf, said that agents’ inability to locate the correct unmarked vans had been “exaggerated,” and added that he was working with the D.H.S. laundry to insure that agents stop receiving other agents’ unmarked uniforms.
Click for one article that may have prompted this report.
7/22/20 In Major Setback for Trump, Court Rules He May Send Troops Only to Cities He Can Identify on Map
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what is widely seen as a major setback for Donald J. Trump, a federal district court has ruled that he may send Department of Homeland Security agents only to cities that he can correctly identify on a map.
According to the ruling, before Trump can deploy forces to any American city, he must first indicate their intended destination on an unmarked map and cannot let anyone else take this test for him.
White House sources said that, after the ruling was announced, a furious Trump repaired to the Oval Office with a map of the United States and a Sharpie.
After hovering his marker over the map for more than an hour, Trump finally brought it down on what he thought was Detroit but was, in actuality, East Hampton, New York.
In East Hampton, a town board member, Carol Foyler, expressed concern about Trump’s decision to send D.H.S. agents to the beach community.
“At this time of year, I think it will be next to impossible for them to find a rental,” she said.
Click for one article that may have prompted this report.
7/21/20 Feds in Unmarked Van Looking for Suspicious Characters Pick Up Jared Kushner
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what the Department of Homeland Security is calling “an unfortunate incident,” federal agents in an unmarked van who were looking for suspicious characters snatched Jared Kushner off the street.
According to the agents, the van was patrolling the vicinity of the White House when they spotted a “shifty-eyed male” who “didn’t look right.”
“He checked all the boxes for suspicious,” one of the agents said. “He definitely didn’t look like someone who should be anywhere near the White House.”
Despite the protests of a screaming Kushner, the agents loaded him into the van and sped away to an undisclosed location.
According to White House sources, Kushner was missing for several hours before anyone in the West Wing realized he was gone.
His disappearance was finally noticed late in the afternoon, when members of the White House coronavirus task force observed that their daily meeting had gone “more smoothly than usual.”
Speaking to reporters about the Kushner incident, the acting head of the Department of Homeland Security, Chad Wolf, said that the practice of picking up random people on the street and putting them in unmarked vans is a “terrific idea,” but acknowledged that it might need to be “tweaked.”
“Our agents need to be given much more explicit guidance about who qualifies as a suspicious character, or Stephen Miller could be next,” he said.
7/20/20 Trump Says He Will Eventually Be Right About the Coronavirus Going Away When There Is No Human Life Left on Planet
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump said on Sunday that he will eventually be right about the coronavirus going away when there is no human life left on the face of the earth.
Speaking to Chris Wallace on “Fox News Sunday,” Trump said that, once there are no living humans left for it to infect, “like I have said before, the virus will just disappear, like a miracle.”
“The virus isn’t stupid,” Trump said. “It wants to infect people. And when there are no people left to infect, it’s not going to hang around doing nothing. It’s going to go away. And then I’ll be right.”
Trump added that, when the planet Earth no longer has any trace of human life, “I’ll have the last laugh.”
“In a way, it’s too bad that those beauties in the fake news media like Jim Acosta will be extinct at that point, because I wish they could be alive to see how I was eventually right,” he added. “But I guess you can’t have everything.”
Trump offered no timeline for the disappearance of all human life from the planet, saying only, “We’re moving quite strongly and powerfully on that.”
7/18/20 Trump Replaces Mary Trump with Kayleigh McEnany as Niece
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest shakeup in his inner circle, Donald Trump has named the White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, to the position of niece, replacing Mary Trump, effective immediately.
With only three and a half months to go until the election, replacing family members could be seen as a sign of desperation, political insiders said.
But, according to a White House source, the decision to replace Mary Trump with McEnany was a “no-brainer.”
“The President wanted a niece who could rewrite history, and Kayleigh has proven every day that she can do that,” the source said.
McEnany will continue in her role as press secretary in addition to niece, and will refer to Trump as “Uncle President.”
As for Mary Trump, she will remain a member of the Trump family, but has been demoted from niece to third cousin.
7/17/20 Trump Sues the Coronavirus for Treating Him Unfairly
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Alleging that it “has treated me very unfairly,” Donald J. Trump announced on Friday that he is suing the coronavirus.
“This is a very nasty virus, and by that I mean it has been nasty to me personally,” Trump told reporters. “I never thought that there could be anything more terrible than Jim Acosta, but the coronavirus is like an invisible Jim Acosta.”
Offering a preview of his lawsuit, Trump said that he was accusing the coronavirus of meddling in the 2020 election.
“You look at the numbers and, every time the virus’s numbers go up, my numbers go down,” he said. “This virus is trying to rig the election for Sleepy Joe.”
Trump said that he was prepared to take his case against the coronavirus all the way to the Supreme Court, claiming, “My case is so perfect, even those ungrateful beauties Kavanaugh and Gorsuch will side with me.”
Relations between Trump and the virus have reportedly grown so strained that he no longer allows discussions of the coronavirus at meetings of the Coronavirus Task Force.
At the White House, the press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, said that Trump felt “deeply betrayed” by the coronavirus.
“covid-19 would not be what it is today without President Trump,” she said.
Click here for one article that may have prompted this report.
7/16/20 Georgia Governor Orders Statewide Ban on Science
ATLANTA (The Borowitz Report)—In his latest response to the coronavirus pandemic, Georgia’s governor, Brian Kemp, has issued a sweeping statewide ban on science.
“Over the past few weeks, scientific information has been spreading throughout the state of Georgia like wildfire,” Kemp said. “We need to flatten the truth curve.”
Under the executive order, Georgians can be fined as much as five hundred dollars for visiting Web sites containing evidence-based information.
Additionally, Kemp is issuing a stay-at-home order for all Georgians planning a trip to a library or bookstore.
The governor said that Georgians could once again visit the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Web site “as soon as the rest of its data has been safely removed.”
Kemp’s zero-tolerance policy on science drew strong praise from his Republican colleague Donald J. Trump.
“Congratulations to Brian Kemp for having the guts to get tough on science, unlike those beauties Andrew Cuomo, Jay Inslee, and that woman from Michigan,” he tweeted.
Trump’s support has reportedly emboldened Kemp, who is said to be considering a statewide ban on integers.
7/15/20 Trump Claims Biden Could Never Have a Pandemic As Big As His
WASHINGTON, D.C.(The Borowitz Report)—Trying out a new line of attack against the former Vice-President, Donald Trump said on Wednesday that Joe Biden could never have a pandemic as big as his.
“Biden was Vice-President for eight years and had all the time in the world to have a pandemic,” Trump said. “Where was his pandemic?”
By contrast, Trump asserted, “In just a few months, I’ve built the biggest pandemic this country has seen in a hundred years.”
“People are going to be talking about my pandemic for generations to come,” Trump said. “What did Biden ever have? Swine flu? What a joke.”
Trump said that Biden’s failure to have “any pandemic worth writing home about” makes him a “terrible choice” to be President.
“I’ve worked hard and built an amazing pandemic, but if Biden gets in, all that goes away,” he warned.
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
7/14/20 Florida Governor Orders All Children to Work at Walmart and Home Depot This Fall
TALLAHASSEE (The Borowitz Report)—Calling his decision a “game changer,” Florida’s governor announced on Tuesday that he was ordering all of the state’s children to work at Walmart and Home Depot in the fall.
“If we can do Walmart and we can do Home Depot, we can definitely do your children working at Walmart and Home Depot,” Governor Ron DeSantis declared.
Explaining the rationale behind his order, DeSantis said that sending children to work at the two big-box stores would have the “exact same result” as sending them to school—namely “getting them out of the house.”
“To the parents of Florida, let me say, ‘You’re welcome,’ ” he said.
Touting other benefits of his plan, DeSantis claimed, “I think this is going to be a great educational experience for our kids.”
“I think it should be a goal of this state to teach every first grader how to do inventory,” he said. “Inventory is just a fancy word for math.”
Additionally, he said that hauling large planks of lumber at Home Depot would be “an excellent substitute for phys. ed.”
“I wish I had thought of this sooner,” DeSantis said. “These kids are going to be so good with hammers, nails, and wood that they could have built the stage at the Republican National Convention.”
The governor was dismissive of a reporter who asked whether forcing children to work at Walmart and Home Depot would be a violation of child-labor laws. “As our great President has shown time and time again, this is not a time for laws,” DeSantis said.
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
7/13/20 Trump Replaces Fauci with Chuck Woolery
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a stunning repudiation of the nation’s leading infectious-disease expert, Donald J. Trump has replaced Dr. Anthony Fauci with the veteran game-show host Chuck Woolery.
Appearing at the White House with his newest Coronavirus Task Force member, Trump said that he chose Woolery because he has “a much better record of success than Tony.”
“Tony Fauci is a nice guy, but he’s been wrong a lot,” Trump said. “Chuck has made thousands of love connections that turned out a hundred-per-cent right.”
Woolery said that his first official act as part of the Coronavirus Task Force would be to eliminate social distancing, calling the practice “ridiculous.”
“How are you supposed to go on a date and stay six feet apart?” Woolery asked. “If we had social distancing on ‘Love Connection,’ we wouldn’t have lasted a single episode.”
He also previewed his approach to clinical trials for potential coronavirus vaccines. “We’ll inject each contestant with three vaccines and see which one he’s most compatible with,” he said. “The audience is gonna eat that up.”
Woolery concluded his appearance without taking any questions from reporters, saying, “We’ll be back in two and two.”
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
7/13/20 Betsy DeVos Promises to Protect Children from Education
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Betsy DeVos vowed on Sunday to do everything in her power as Secretary of Education to protect the nation’s children from education.
In an interview on CNN, DeVos said many parents were “understandably concerned” that, if their children return to school in the fall, they might be exposed to learning.
“That will not happen on my watch,” she promised. “We are working around the clock at the Department of Education to keep your children safe from comprehension.”
DeVos said that her staff had drafted strict distancing measures to ensure that America’s students are as distanced as possible from anything resembling a curriculum when they return to school.
“If it means eliminating books, computers, or even teachers, your kids will be distanced,” she said.
Raising a worst-case scenario, DeVos said that, if knowledge is somehow transmitted to students, “I will shut down that school in a minute.”
“We will be doing a lot of testing,” DeVos said. “If students’ test scores somehow go up, then I have failed.”
7/10/20 Trump Warns That Social Distancing in Schools Would Make It Harder for Students to Cheat Off One Another’s Papers
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Laying out his plans for reopening the nation’s schools in the fall, Donald J. Trump expressed concern that social distancing would make it “really hard” for students to cheat off one another’s papers.
Speaking to reporters at the White House, Trump said that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s recommendations for social distancing in schools “would only work for students who can see their neighbor’s papers from six feet away.”
“Unless your eyesight is really good, if you’re six feet away or whatever you’re not going to be able to copy the other person’s answers,” Trump said. “Especially if the person writes really small, which they sometimes do.”
Trump recommended that teachers test their students’ eyesight on the first day of school to determine how far away they can sit from one another while still having a clear view of their neighbors’ papers.
“I don’t know why those beauties at the C.D.C. didn’t think of this,” he said.
Responding to a reporter’s question, Trump said that he could not recall any time that other students tried to cheat off his papers.
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
7/9/20 Americans Overwhelmingly Favor Sending Trump Back to School in Fall
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Amid the debate over reopening the nation’s schools, a new poll shows that an overwhelming majority of Americans would like Donald J. Trump to go back to school in the fall.
Due to social-distancing requirements, those surveyed agreed that there should be limits on class size when Trump returns to school, but that his class should be large enough to accommodate other education-starved students such as Jared Kushner, Rand Paul, and Betsy DeVos.
Although Americans acknowledge that the logistics of sending Trump back to school could be complicated and expensive, the cost of his continuing lack of education is far greater, the poll indicates.
Americans were split on which school subjects they would like to see Trump focus on most when he returns to the classroom.
Science and math received the strongest support, but a substantial number of respondents also favored history, geography, and English.
Finally, if Trump is ordered back to school in the fall, a vast majority of respondents urged that steps be taken to insure that he does not send someone else in his place.
7/8/20 Pence Accused of Taking Trump’s Coronavirus Tests for Him
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—In a scandal that threatens to upend Donald Trump’s Presidency, a new book accuses Trump of paying Vice-President Mike Pence to take his coronavirus tests for him.
According to the book, “Swapping Swabs: Trump’s Pandemic of Lies,” when the subject of being tested for the virus first came up, in March, Trump started casting about for a “good test-taker” to substitute for him.
Trump considered several candidates for the ruse, including his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, and the Attorney General, William Barr, but ultimately settled on Pence, who agreed to take the tests for the fee of twenty-five dollars per result.
Reportedly, Pence initially balked at the proposal, expressing concern that it “would look bad” if the truth about his taking Trump’s coronavirus tests came out, but Trump brusquely shut him down.
“I’ve never taken my own tests, and I’m not going to start now,” Trump allegedly snapped.
Click here for one article that may have prompted this report.
7/7/20 Putin Admits Taking SATs for Trump
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—The firestorm of controversy swirling around the upcoming tell-all book by the President’s niece exploded on Tuesday, after Vladimir Putin revealed that he took the SATs for Donald J. Trump.
Putin said that he had hoped to keep his role in Trump’s college admission a secret, but, with the impending publication of Mary Trump’s book, “it was only a matter of time before the truth came out.”
The Russian President said that, when young Donald Trump was applying to college, in the nineteen-sixties, Putin was making “a few extra rubles” by offering his services as a test-taker to wealthy but academically hopeless American high-school students.
“I recall the day that I took Trump’s SATs as clearly as if it were yesterday,” Putin said. “I totally aced them.”
As the years rolled by, Putin followed with intense interest the career of the man whose SATs he took.
“I often asked myself, ‘How will Donald Trump ever repay me for putting him on the path to Wharton?’ ” Putin said, with a devilish smile. “As it turned out, I found a way.”
At the White House, the press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, refused to address the Putin bombshell and instead questioned the authenticity of Mary Trump’s memoir. “No one named Trump has ever actually written a book,” McEnany said.
7/7/20 Trump Freaks Out After Giant Statue of Obama Suddenly Appears on White House Lawn
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump “totally freaked out” on Tuesday morning, after a gigantic statue of the former President Barack Obama appeared on the White House lawn overnight, sources have confirmed.
Trump first discovered the statue, which stands approximately thirty feet tall, when he awoke to see the sculptural rendering of Obama’s face staring at him through his bedroom window.
Shaken, Trump immediately summoned his Secret Service detail to escort him down to the White House bunker, where he unsuccessfully tried to steady his nerves.
At 7 a.m., an emergency meeting of top White House advisers was convened, during which an increasingly agitated Trump demanded to know the origin of the mysterious Obama behemoth.
Trump, who theorized that the gargantuan statue had been placed on the White House grounds by either George Soros or Jeff Bezos, ordered that the imposing monument to his predecessor be torn down and disposed of at once.
Reached by reporters at his home, Obama said that he “wasn’t sure” that he deserved a statue, especially such a large one, but expressed surprise at Trump’s decision to tear it down.
“It’s not like him,” Obama said. “He cares so much about history.”
Obama’s words did little to calm Trump, however, who reportedly ordered the Secret Service to foil any plot to deposit a giant statue of Hillary Clinton on the White House lawn.
Click here for one article from last November that may have prompted this next report.
7/6/20 Pence Walks Out of “Hamilton” Again in Own Living Room
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Mike Pence’s turbulent relationship with “Hamilton” continued over the weekend, as he walked out of the Broadway show in his own living room.
Pence, who walked out after the Tony Award–winning musical in 2016, when the cast tried to address him, told reporters that he tuned in to the streaming version of “Hamilton” on July 4th specifically to walk out of it once more.
“I wanted to send the cast of ‘Hamilton’ a strong message,” Pence said. “The minute it began, I turned to my wife and said, ‘Mother, I’m out.’ ”
VIDEO FROM THE NEW YORKER
A “Hamilton” Stagehand on Telling Stories with Lights
He immediately followed through on his threat, leaving Mrs. Pence alone in their living room for the next two and a half hours as she watched “Hamilton” in its entirety.
Pence dismissed reporters’ questions about the limited impact of his gesture, since the cast of “Hamilton” was unable to see him get up from his couch and leave in a huff.
“President Trump told me to walk out of my living room, and I am grateful for the opportunity to obey him,” Pence said, adding that he intends to walk out of “Hamilton” again tonight.
7/2/20 Putin Considering Not Running Trump for Reëlection
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Faced with “deeply discouraging” 2020 polls, Vladimir Putin is “seriously considering” not running Donald J. Trump for reëlection, according to Kremlin sources.
The Russian President had been holding out hope that Trump could somehow stop his precipitous slide in popularity, but a recent roundup of polls showing Joe Biden crushing him in several battleground states made Putin realize that “his guy is a lost cause,” one source said.
“Putin has been talking about not running Trump for reëlection for months now, but it looks like he’s finally ready to pull the rip cord,” the source added.
According to Kremlin insiders, Putin is actively mulling a number of possible Republican replacements for Trump, including Representative Devin Nunes, Senator Mitch McConnell, and Senator Rand Paul, but he does not relish the idea of making the switch.
“You have to understand, Putin has spent years training Trump to be so obedient,” the source said. “It’s going to be hard breaking in a new one.”
7/1/20 Trump May Not Have Read Brief Because He Holds Reading Material Upside Down
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump may not have read a Presidential Daily Brief on the Russian bounty scheme because he holds reading material upside down, experts suggested on Wednesday.
After studying photographic evidence of Trump holding a book in that difficult-to-read position, Davis Logsdon, who studies literacy at the University of Minnesota, said that such a practice could have impeded the President’s ability to process information on his desk.
“If Trump is holding all of his Presidential Daily Briefs upside down, what is intended to be important intelligence requiring his urgent attention might, to him, appear to be little more than meaningless marks on a piece of paper,” Logsdon said.
Within minutes of the release of Logsdon’s comments, the White House scrambled to institute new procedures to insure that Trump’s Presidential Daily Briefs are placed right-side up on his Oval Office desk.
Reportedly, Jared Kushner will be tasked with entering Trump’s office first thing every morning and rotating all of the papers on his desk until they are in the optimal position for reading.
Some White House sources, however, expressed skepticism about the new protocol. “It relies on Jared knowing when reading material is upside down,” one source said.
6/30/20 Trump Did Not Read Taliban Brief Because He Was Busy Not Reading Coronavirus Brief
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump did not read a Presidential Daily Brief about Russia paying Taliban militants to attack U.S. troops because he was busy not reading a Presidential Daily Brief about the coronavirus, the White House said on Monday.
Kayleigh McEnany, the White House press secretary, angrily accused reporters of being “totally unaware” of just how much Trump has to not read in a given day.
“Day in, day out, the President has to ignore briefs on a wide range of subjects,” McEnany said. “His ‘Do Not Read’ box is overflowing.”
“I’d like to see any of you try to not read all of that stuff,” she said. “It isn’t easy, especially when the briefs have words like ‘urgent’ and ‘must read’ stamped in big red letters on them.”
After lashing out at the press, McEnany saved her most blistering remarks for the authors of the Presidential Daily Briefs themselves. “Anyone who expects this President to find out something important by reading does not know Donald Trump,” she said.
6/29/20 Trump to Retaliate Against Russia by Sending Jared Kushner to Advise Kremlin on Coronavirus Response
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an act of retaliation against the Russians for sponsoring Taliban attacks on U.S. troops in Afghanistan, Donald J. Trump is sending Jared Kushner to the Kremlin to offer advice on its coronavirus response, the White House confirmed on Monday.
“To all those who thought that this President was not taking the Russians’ actions seriously, this response should speak for itself,” the White House press secretary, Kayleigh McEnany, said. “The President had an array of responses to choose from, and the one he selected is by far the most punishing.”
According to White House insiders, Trump and his advisers debated the response to the Russians for hours before finally settling on the Kushner option late Sunday night.
“Jared Kushner is the most brutal weapon in our arsenal, and deploying him is a decision that no one should ever take lightly,” one adviser said.
McEnany indicated that Kushner will be dispatched to the Kremlin by Monday afternoon and will start advising the Kremlin on ventilators, personal protective equipment, and other coronavirus-related matters as early as Tuesday.
“He will bring Russia to its knees,” she said.
Many in Washington were surprised by the severity of Trump’s retaliation against the Russians, including the esteemed virologist Dr. Anthony Fauci.
“I know that the Russians are our enemies, but I’m still not sure I would wish Jared Kushner on them,” he said.
Click here for one article that may have prompted this report.
6/26/20 Trump Vows to Ban Coronavirus Vaccine If Obama Invented It
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump on Friday threatened to ban a coronavirus vaccine if it turns out that it was invented by former President Barack Obama.
Trump’s threat took members of the White House press corps aback, since there are no reports to date of Obama attempting to invent a vaccine or any other pharmaceutical.
Trump acknowledged that he was not aware of any such activities on Obama’s part, but warned that, if the former President succeeded in inventing a coronavirus vaccine, “I’m not going to let that happen.”
“If Obama came up with a vaccine, it would only be to make me look bad,” he said. “Well, guess what? I’m not going to let him get away with something cute like that. We’re going to move quite powerfully on anything Obama does in terms of a vaccine.”
Trump added that, if former Vice-President Joe Biden is elected President in November, “It wouldn’t surprise me one bit if he approved a vaccine Obama invented, just to spite me.”
“Obama and Biden, they’re like two peas in a pod,” Trump said. “If you want a vaccine, vote for Biden. It’ll serve you right.”
6/25/20 Giuliani No Longer Worst Lawyer in Country
<Photo of William Barr in actual report at the NewYorker>
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unexpected turn of events for the former New York mayor, a poll of legal experts has determined that Rudolph Giuliani is no longer the worst lawyer in America.
According to the law professor who supervised the poll, Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota Law School, Giuliani’s dethronement from the worst-lawyer championship was all the more shocking because his claim to that title had remained unchallenged for so long.
“Giuliani had faced worthy competition from the likes of Michael D. Cohen and Michael Avenatti and dispatched them with ease,” Logsdon said. “But this new challenger left Rudy in the dust.”
The new titleholder as the nation’s worst lawyer, who won in a nearly unanimous vote, is so egregious that he may cause some legal experts to reassess Giuliani’s career as an attorney. “Compared to our country’s new worst lawyer, Rudy demonstrated the utmost respect for the Constitution and the rule of law,” Logsdon argued.
Reached in the makeup room at Fox News, where he was about to make an on-air appearance, Giuliani took the news of his ouster philosophically. “I had a good run,” he said.
6/23/20 Trump Refuses to Ramp Up Testing Because of His Hatred of Ramps
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump is refusing to ramp up testing because of his deep-seated hatred of ramps, White House sources have revealed.
According to several sources, Trump’s enmity toward ramps reached a fever pitch after his notorious visit to West Point, earlier this month, which took any talk at the White House of ramping up anything totally off the table.
Eyewitnesses say that it was shortly after that visit that Jared Kushner, seemingly unaware of Trump’s newly inflamed feud with ramps, suggested in a White House meeting, “Do you think we should ramp up testing?,” only to receive a chilly reply from Trump.
“Never say that word again,” he reportedly snapped.
“Testing?” Kushner asked.
“Ramp, you idiot,” Trump thundered.
While White House staffers have been scrambling in recent days to find synonyms for “ramp up,” including “accelerate,” “increase,” and “do more of,” they have become suddenly aware of other words they must avoid while speaking to Trump, including “drink,” “glass,” and “water.”
6/23/20 Trump Offers Stimulus Checks to Anyone Willing to Come to His Next Rally
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to avert another debacle like the one at his rally in Tulsa, Donald J. Trump said on Tuesday that he was offering economic-stimulus checks to anyone willing to come to his next rally, in Arizona.
Displaying a sample check in the Oval Office, Trump said that he hoped eventually to put millions of unemployed Americans back to work as full-time audience members at his rallies.
“The dishonest media are saying that people wouldn’t go to one of my rallies if I paid them,” Trump said. “Well, we’ll see about that.”
Larry Kudlow, Trump’s economic adviser, said that the twelve-hundred-dollar stimulus checks would be paid “in installments, based on how long the recipients actually stay at the rally.”
“If you walk out after the first hour, you only get six hundred,” he said. “You’re really going to have to earn the full twelve hundred.”
6/22/20 Trump Calls Drinking Glass of Water Proudest Achievement as President
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump on Monday called his successful drinking of a glass of water at his Tulsa rally his proudest achievement as President.
“I brought that glass of water up to my mouth and drank from it without spilling a drop on my tie,” Trump told reporters at the White House. “You can look at the tape. There was not a single drop of spillage.”
Trump added that, while drinking a glass of water was an impressive achievement in itself, executing it so well in front of such a large crowd made it even more extraordinary.
“There was a lot of pressure on me to drink that water right,” he said. “There must have been forty thousand people there.”
Trump lashed out at the media for emphasizing the missteps of his Presidency while failing to cover his crowning moments, such as his flawless quaffing of a glass of water.
“I guarantee you, all the dishonest media is going to want to talk about this week is the coronavirus and unemployment and protests,” he said. “You people will act as though me drinking that glass of water never happened.”
In his most stunning claim, Trump argued that he might be “better at drinking a glass of water than any other President in history.”
“You won’t find any tape of Obama drinking water, probably, because he was afraid of spilling,” Trump said. “Honest Abe, I will bet you anything, got water on his beard, which is disgusting. Look at the tape of me again and decide for yourself. I drank a perfect glass of water. Anyone who says differently is a horrible human being.”
6/21/20 Trump to Hold Next Rally in Bunker
TULSA (The Borowitz Report)—Stung by the paltry turnout at his Saturday-night rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma, Donald J. Trump’s campaign has announced plans to hold his next rally in the bunker beneath the White House.
In announcing the rally, Brad Parscale, the chairman of Trump’s reëlection campaign, denied that the choice of venue reflected a tepid level of enthusiasm to see the candidate speak.
“The bunker holds forty people,” Parscale said. “That is a much larger seating capacity than Joe Biden’s basement.”
Despite the choice of such an intimate venue, however, Trump campaign sources are privately worried that they may have difficulty filling the bunker.
According to one source, Jared Kushner spent all of Sunday morning on the phone begging people to attend the bunker rally.
“All of Jared’s friends said they’re coming, so that’s five seats right there,” the source said.
6/18/20 Susan Collins Puts Bolton Book in Amazon Cart but Remains Undecided About Placing Order
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Susan Collins has put John Bolton’s new book in her Amazon cart but is undecided about placing an order for it, Collins confirmed on Thursday.
Speaking to reporters at the Senate, Collins called the decision to pull the trigger on the Bolton book “one of the most wrenching of my career.”
“My computer’s cursor has hovered over the ‘Place your order’ button for hours without clicking on it,” she said. “This is not a decision I take lightly.”
The Republican senator from Maine indicated that, even if she ultimately decides to buy Bolton’s book, she is leaving open the possibility of returning the book to Amazon.
“All options are on the table,” she said.
In her most revealing statement, Collins admitted that she has more than three hundred other items in her Amazon cart that she has yet to commit to buying.
Those items include sunglasses, a hand mixer, several pairs of capri pants, and a beekeeping kit.
Collins said that, although she is interested in pursuing beekeeping as a hobby, she is troubled and concerned about the behavior of bees.
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
6/17/20 White House Staff Seething with Envy After Fauci Reveals He Has Not Spoken to Trump in Two Weeks
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—White House staffers are seething with envy after Dr. Anthony Fauci revealed that he has not spoken to Donald J. Trump in two weeks, envious staffers have confirmed.
News of the break in communication between the two men sent shockwaves through the White House, with scores of staffers demanding to know whether Fauci had a secret trick that they could employ to similar effect.
“Two freaking weeks?” Jared Kushner was overheard muttering. “I’d settle for one hour.”
Fauci said that there was no secret to getting Trump to stop talking to him, but suggested, “Generally speaking, if you pepper your sentences with facts, that’s usually enough to do it.”
Recognizing that members of the White House staff may be unaccustomed to uttering factual statements, Fauci said, “Another thing you can try is saying to him, ‘Mr. President, I’m really looking forward to reading John Bolton’s book.’ That should get you two weeks, minimum.”
6/16/20 Trump Proposes Overruling Supreme Court by Creating Supremer Court
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—One day after it issued decisions on L.G.B.T.Q. rights and the Second Amendment that provoked his ire, Donald J. Trump said that he would overrule the Supreme Court by creating a “Supremer Court.”
“Right now, if the Supreme Court makes a bad decision, quite frankly, you’re screwed,” he said. “The Supremer Court fixes that.”
Trump said that his Supremer Court would be a “beautiful, perfect court” that would make the Supreme Court “look like exactly what it is—a sad bunch of losers.”
Trump said that the Supremer Court would be housed in a “giant, gleaming building” overlooking the Supreme Court, enabling the Supremer Court Justices to “look down at those pathetic little Supreme Court jerks and laugh.”
As for choosing Justices for the Supremer Court, Trump said that there were no Supreme Court Justices worth promoting, “except maybe Brett Kavanaugh and Clarence Thomas.”
“Judge Roberts is the beauty who gave us Obamacare, and Gorsuch is a total snake,” Trump said. “At least with Kavanaugh and Thomas you’ve got two terrific people.”
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
6/15/20 Mitch McConnell Gently Tells Trump Why He Can’t Fire Neil Gorsuch
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an Oval Office meeting described as “tense,” the Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, explained to Donald J. Trump why he cannot fire Supreme Court Justice Neil Gorsuch.
According to sources, McConnell rushed to the White House after being informed of Trump’s plan to terminate Gorsuch and replace him with the Fox News host Jeanine Pirro.
In the Oval Office, Trump adamantly told McConnell, “When I hire someone, I have the right to fire him if he turns out to be a jerk.”
McConnell slowly and carefully explained that Supreme Court Justices are appointed for life, but Trump refused to accept this position.
“I can fire this Neil Gorsuch joker just like I fired Jeff Sessions and Gary Busey,” Trump said, adding that he planned to add a ramp outside the Supreme Court to speed Gorsuch’s departure.
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
6/15/20 Trump Orders Bill Barr to Investigate Nation’s Ramps
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Arguing that “there’s something going on” with the nation’s sloping surfaces, Donald J. Trump has ordered Attorney General Bill Barr to launch a Department of Justice investigation into the United States’s vast collection of ramps.
“It’s something we’re looking into quite strongly,” Trump told reporters on the South Lawn of the White House. “Ramps have treated me very unfairly.”
The decision to probe the nation’s ramps came after a night of Trump feverishly retweeting anti-ramp conspiracy theories, including one claiming that George Soros had plotted to make American ramps steeper and slipperier than they were during Barack Obama’s Presidency.
Trump told reporters that he was also considering signing an executive order requiring all ramps to have an incline of zero degrees, rendering them completely flat.
“Those would be perfect ramps,” he said.
Responding to this proposal, CNN’s Jim Acosta asked if, by making ramps flat, Trump would in effect be making the nation’s ramps no longer ramps at all.
“You’re a terrible person,” Trump replied.
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
6/13/20 Trump Boasts That He Has Much Higher TV Ratings Than Lincoln
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In his latest attack on the nation’s sixteenth President, Donald Trump boasted on Saturday that his television ratings were “much higher” than Abraham Lincoln’s.
“If you put my TV ratings side by side with Lincoln’s, there’s no comparison,” Trump told Fox News. “Honest Abe would want me to be honest about it, and, honestly, his ratings were terrible.”
Trump argued that Lincoln’s television ratings were especially poor “when you consider that he didn’t have to compete with Netflix and Amazon, like I have to.”
“Abraham Lincoln had zero competition and he still couldn’t get a decent number,” Trump said. “He might have been O.K. at some other things, but he was a total loser on TV.”
Theorizing about Lincoln’s poor ratings performance, Trump mused that “it might have been the beard.”
“People don’t like to look at people with beards on TV,” he said. “Tom Selleck has a mustache, but that’s different. If I was advising Lincoln, I would say, ‘Abe, lose the beard. It’s making you look like a joker.’ I wish I had been alive back then. I could have given Lincoln all kinds of good advice. It’s sad how bad he was.”
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
6/11/20 Trump Blasts Milley: “This Is Not the Military I Avoided Serving In”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a series of angry tweets on Thursday, Donald J. Trump lashed out at the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Mark Milley, declaring, “This is not the military I avoided serving in.”
Calling Milley’s apology for appearing in last week’s controversial church photo op “a disgrace,” Trump said, “The United States military of my youth was known for courage and valor, which is why I got a podiatrist’s note to get out of being a part of it.”
Recalling that episode from a half century ago, Trump said, “As I watched my podiatrist dictate that note, I thought about the great institution of the U.S. military, which I would be exempted from participating in. That institution is unrecognizable today.”
With his apology, Trump claimed, “Mark Milley has besmirched the memories of all the Americans who fought so hard to avoid fighting.”
In his most caustic broadside against Milley, Trump questioned the general’s ability to lead U.S. forces and said that he might have to find “someone else” to launch the American invasion of Seattle.
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
6/9/20 Trump Puts Nation on Alert for Terrorists Posing as Peaceful Seventy-Five-Year-Olds
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Announcing that he was putting the nation on a “double-red threat level,” Donald J. Trump warned the American people on Tuesday to be on the lookout for terrorists posing as peaceful seventy-five-year-olds.
“One of these terrorists was already identified by the police in Buffalo,” Trump said. “They may be coming to your town next.”
Trump listed some “telltale signs of Antifa,” in order to help Americans identify septuagenarian terrorists in their midst.
“If the person appears to be seventy-five or older, with white hair and a peaceful demeanor, call the authorities immediately,” Trump said.
He warned that Antifa terrorists are infiltrating American society “everywhere,” even on Zoom.
“If you are on Zoom with your family and an elderly person suddenly appears with a friendly smile, a string of pearls, and the nickname ‘Grandma,’ you have been attacked by Antifa,” he said.
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
6/8/20 Furious Trump Declares Romney Not Welcome in Bunker
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Furious at Mitt Romney for participating in a Black Lives Matter march, Donald J. Trump declared on Monday that the Utah senator is “not welcome in my bunker.”
“Mitt Romney thinks he’s cute, first voting to impeach me and now marching,” Trump told reporters. “Well, I’ve got news for Mitt: his invitation to my bunker is hereby revoked.”
Trump said that, because of his disloyalty, Romney “will never experience all that the best bunker in the world has to offer.”
“There are luxury recliners, televisions as far as the eye can see, and a bottomless pit of snacks,” Trump boasted. “If Mitt could see what he’s missing, I’ll bet he’d rethink some of the cute things he’s done.”
Trump said that he was reviewing the behavior of other officials, such as Defense Secretary Mark Esper, to determine whether they will retain their bunker privileges.
“I’m not sure Esper is bunker material,” he mused.
Concluding his remarks, Trump said that there will be a photo of Romney at the entrance to the bunker in order to enable the Secret Service to bar the Utah senator, should he try to gain admission.
“Sorry, Mitt,” Trump sneered. “People like you don’t belong in a bunker. I do.”
6/7/20 Putin Rejects Trump’s Request for Ten Thousand Russian Troops to Guard White House
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Vladimir Putin has rejected Donald J. Trump’s request for ten thousand active-duty Russian Army troops to guard the perimeter around the White House, Administration and Kremlin sources have confirmed.
After Trump’s call for U.S. troops was rebuffed by Defense Secretary Mark Esper and General Mark Milley, Trump reportedly snapped, “I’ll call Vlad,” and stormed out of the meeting with the two men.
Much to Trump’s disappointment, however, his request for Russian troops met with a chilly response.
“The optics would be terrible,” Putin reportedly told him. “Worse than that crazy thing you did with the Bible. Really, you need to get a grip.”
According to White House sources, Trump has subsequently phoned the North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un, but his calls have gone straight to voice mail.
6/5/20 Trump Claims That Wall Around White House Is to Prevent Staff from Quitting En Masse
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Lashing out at critics who have charged him with building a wall around the White House to protect himself from peaceful protesters, Donald Trump claimed on Friday that the purpose of the wall is to prevent staffers from quitting en masse.
“The wall is not to keep people out. It’s to keep people in,” Trump angrily told reporters. “If anyone thinks he’s going to quit this White House, he’s going to have to climb over a ten-foot wall first.”
Trump added that he was considering invoking the Insurrection Act of 1807 to put down further rebellions by the Secretary of Defense, Mark Esper.
“Between the wall and the Insurrection Act, no one is getting out,” he said. “No one.”
Trump also dismissed reports that he had spent much of the week hiding under his desk.
“I have been inspecting the area under my desk,” he said. “There are no problems.”
6/4/20 Trump’s Bleach Moment Now Seeming Like Career High Point
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s widely ridiculed musing about the healing powers of household disinfectants now seems like a career high point, according to prominent historians.
While Trump’s suggestion that ingesting bleach could treat the coronavirus appeared, at the time, to be a catastrophic misstep, his actions in recent days have forced many historians to revise that assessment, Davis Logsdon, a Presidential historian, said.
“This week, we’ve seen Trump tear-gas peaceful protesters, offend religious leaders by using a Bible as a prop, and threaten to use the military against the American people,” Logsdon said. “In retrospect, suggesting that people ingest Clorox and put ultraviolet lights inside their bodies seems like the act of a responsible public servant.”
Logsdon added that, with unrest roiling the nation and unemployment soaring to levels not seen since the Great Depression, “Trump’s best bet may be to remind the American people, ‘I’m the man who told you to drink bleach.’ ”
“All things considered, that may be his finest hour,” the historian said.
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
6/3/20 Trump Says Inspection Revealed Bunker Was Dusty Because Obama Never Used It
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—After conducting a thorough “inspection” of the White House bunker on Friday night, Donald J. Trump discovered that the underground facility was covered in dust because Barack Obama never used it, Trump has confirmed.
“There were dust bunnies everywhere,” Trump told reporters. “Obama was President for eight years, and he didn’t set foot in that bunker once.”
“Here you have a world-class bunker, maybe the best bunker in the world, and Obama didn’t use it, even once?” Trump said. “I think that’s very disrespectful to the bunker.”
Trump said that he opened the bunker’s fridge and found it “stocked to the brim with soft drinks, totally untouched.”
“What kind of a person has a well-stocked bunker and just stays upstairs at his desk working?” Trump asked. “A bad or sick guy.”
Trump noted that, in addition to his failure to avail himself of an “amazing bunker,” Obama never once used the Insurrection Act of 1807 in his entire time in office.
“I don’t even know why Obama wanted to be President,” Trump said. “Obama is a mess.”
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
6/1/20 Study: Many of Nation’s Problems Could Be Solved by Having a President
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A controversial new study suggests that the United States of America could benefit from having a President.
The study has raised eyebrows by claiming that a President could be helpful in unifying a country and, in a best-case scenario, providing moral leadership.
“At a time of crisis, a President could be a galvanizing figure who leads a country to a better future,” the study theorizes. “He or she could bring a nation together rather than tear it apart.”
In one of the study’s most radical proposals, it argues that a so-called Justice Department could include an Attorney General appointed by the President to uphold the rule of law.
“Additionally, a President, by scrupulously obeying the law himself, could set an example for the rest of the country,” the study claims. “As improbable as it might seem, citizens would look to the President as someone to admire and emulate in their daily lives.”
While many in the United States remain resistant to the concept of having a President, the study says that desperate times may lead them to consider such an unorthodox measure.
“We have ample evidence of what happens when a country does not have a President,” the study concludes. “It’s a shit show.”
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
5/30/20 Angela Merkel Practices Social Distancing by Staying Four Thousand Miles Away from Trump
BERLIN (The Borowitz Report)—In an effort to practice social distancing, the German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, is staying four thousand miles away from Donald Trump, Merkel has confirmed.
Merkel’s decision to decline Trump’s invitation to a possible meeting of the G-7 in Washington was based “entirely on science,” Merkel told reporters.
“Epidemiologists have recommended that, in order to be safe, one should social-distance by six feet,” she said. “It only stands to reason that I will be even safer if I social-distance by twenty-one million feet.”
Merkel said that she was taking the extremely cautious social-distancing measures regarding Trump because of “the danger posed by being in proximity to someone who speaks so loudly and incessantly.”
“His mouth is like a firehose of droplets,” she said, shuddering.
Asked whether she would reconsider a White House visit if Trump agreed to wear a mask, she said, “Donald Trump with a mask is clearly a big improvement over Donald Trump without a mask, but no.”
The German leader added that she could envision making a trip to the Oval Office if “events on the ground change,” most likely in January of 2021.
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
5/29/20 Nation Astonished by Spectacle of Twitter Management Demonstrating Responsibility
SAN FRANCISCO (The Borowitz Report)—Reacting to a bizarre development that no one saw coming, Americans this week have been dumbfounded by the unfathomable spectacle of Twitter’s senior management demonstrating responsibility.
In interviews across the country, people from all walks of life expressed shock and disbelief that Twitter executives appeared to recognize that their social-media platform was a potentially destructive entity that required a modicum of oversight from those supposedly running it.
“At first, when I saw that they were fact-checking tweets, I thought it was some kind of fluke,” Carol Foyler, a Twitter user from Topeka, said. “But then when they started hiding tweets for glorifying violence, I was, like, O.K., this is getting weird.”
“It almost seems like Twitter has been taken over by someone like Bill Gates or George Soros,” Harland Dorrinson, a user from Phoenix, said. “I would tweet something about that, but I’m afraid they might fact-check it.”
Tracy Klugian, a securities analyst who has been on Twitter since its inception, expressed concern that, by exhibiting even modest signs of adult responsibility, the company is “heading down a slippery slope.”
“Today it’s falsehoods and incitements to violence, but what will it be tomorrow?” he said. “Will Twitter start policing racists, misogynists, and Nazis? Their entire business model is at risk.”
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
5/28/20 Twitter’s Servers Burst Into Flames After Attempting to Fact-Check All of Trump’s Tweets
SAN FRANCISCO (The Borowitz Report)—Servers belonging to the social-media platform Twitter burst into flames on Thursday, after the company attempted to fact-check all of Donald Trump’s tweets.
“We knew that fact-checking Trump’s tweets was going to put a strain on our system,” Jack Dorsey, the C.E.O. of Twitter, said. “We had no idea that it would result in columns of fire shooting forty feet into the air.”
Reportedly, an explosion in the server fact-checking Trump’s tweets about Joe Scarborough ignited a blaze that quickly spread to a server furiously vetting his tweets about Barack Obama.
Fire trucks rushed to Twitter headquarters to extinguish the inferno, which San Francisco officials called the largest fact-checking-related fire incident in the city’s history.
While no one was injured in the conflagration, Dorsey quietly shelved plans to fact-check all of Donald Trump, Jr.,’s tweets.
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
Borowitz 5/27/20 Trump Demands That Republican Convention Move from North Carolina to Moscow
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an escalation of his spat with Roy Cooper, the Democratic governor of North Carolina, Donald Trump is demanding that the 2020 Republican National Convention relocate from Charlotte to Moscow.
“North Carolina has been difficult every step of the way, and meanwhile Moscow has always been very helpful to me,” Trump wrote, in one of a series of early-morning tweets.
Additionally, Trump argued, moving the R.N.C. to Moscow would save the Republicans millions in airfare. “The most important people working on our 2020 campaign will already be there,” he tweeted.
Finally, he claimed, Moscow boasts far better accommodations than “that sad city of losers, Charlotte.”
“I have fantastic memories of the Moscow Ritz,” Trump wrote.
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
5/24/20 Fauci Urges Trump to Remain on Golf Course Until Pandemic Is Over
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Sharply disagreeing with critics of Donald J. Trump’s weekend visit to the Trump National Golf Club, Dr. Anthony Fauci has urged Trump to remain on the golf course until the pandemic is over.
“The people who are giving you a hard time about your golf trip are just haters,” Fauci told Trump on Sunday. “It’s in the best interest of everyone in the country that you keep golfing, Mr. President.”
“Please,” he added.
Trump was reportedly surprised by the doctor’s words of encouragement, especially because the golf trip had limited the President’s ability to communicate with Fauci, the Centers for Disease Control, and other scientists involved in the coronavirus response.
“It’s been tough without you, but we are doing the best we can,” Fauci said. “After all the hard work you’ve done, you deserve months and months and months of golfing.”
Fauci also recommended that Trump throw away his phone, stop talking to the press, and not tell anyone about the great idea he had on the golf course about using lawn fertilizer to protect people from the coronavirus.
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
5/20/20 Trump Fears Painting of Obama at White House Would Spy on Him
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump is terrified of hanging an official portrait of former President Barack Obama at the White House because he is convinced that the painting would spy on him, a White House source has confirmed.
According to the source, when Trump was informed that unveiling a portrait of his predecessor was a storied White House tradition, “he totally freaked out.”
“You know what will happen,” Trump reportedly said. “That painting will be able to see and hear everything I do.”
In an increasingly paranoid rant, Trump explained that the painting of Obama, having collected damaging information about him, would then be able to pass that information on to former Vice-President Joe Biden.
Suddenly afraid that the White House corridors were lined with potentially traitorous paintings, Trump demanded that the portraits of all former Presidents who might betray him be removed immediately.
“The only one who made the cut was Nixon,” the source said.
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
5/18/20 New Test Indicates Hydroxychloroquine Causes Delusions
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A new test of the drug hydroxychloroquine suggests that it may cause delusions, Dr. Anthony Fauci warned on Monday.
In a conference call with reporters, Fauci indicated that his findings were based on a preliminary test involving one white male subject in his seventies.
“It’s too early to be definitive about this, but the evidence suggests that, if you are already prone to delusions, paranoid fantasies, and a generalized detachment from reality, taking hydroxychloroquine may only make those symptoms worse,” he said.
Fauci said that, if someone you know is taking hydroxychloroquine, “Broach the subject with him very carefully and diplomatically. Based on my findings, this person will not like being contradicted and is likely to fly off the handle.”
Additionally, because of the mind-altering effects of the drug, “It’s important never to do what someone taking hydroxychloroquine tells you to do,” Fauci said.
“The only thing as dangerous as taking hydroxychloroquine is listening to someone who is taking hydroxychloroquine,” he said. “Therein lies the road to madness.”
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
5/18/20 Trump Orders Pence to Start Picking Up Pompeo’s Laundry
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an effort to dampen the controversy over Secretary of State Mike Pompeo’s alleged use of a State Department employee to run personal errands, Donald J. Trump has ordered Mike Pence to start picking up Pompeo’s laundry, effective immediately.
In addition to his new laundry duties, Pence will be solely responsible for walking Pompeo’s dog and for what the White House described as “light housework.”
Reportedly, Pence has already hit the ground running in his new role and is in talks with Pompeo about how he likes his shirts done.
Although assigning Pompeo’s errands to Pence appears to have solved one problem, it may have created a new one, because the Vice-President will no longer be available to perform the personal errands for Trump that have been his responsibility for the past three years, such as fetching cans of Diet Coke and replenishing the Oval Office’s supply of Sharpies.
According to a White House source, those tasks could ultimately fall to Trump’s son-in-law, Jared Kushner, should he prove capable of doing them “without messing up.”
While Pence’s appointment as Pompeo’s errand boy raised eyebrows in Washington, it drew the strong support of his fellow White House coronavirus-task-force member Dr. Anthony Fauci. “Anything that takes Mike Pence away from the coronavirus response is a great thing,” Fauci said.
5/16/20 Trump Says Nation Will Have Vaccine Before It Sees His Taxes
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Making a solemn promise to the American people, Donald Trump vowed that the nation will have a coronavirus vaccine before it sees his tax returns.
“People are saying that it takes a long time to see a vaccine,” Trump said. “I say, not compared to how long it will take to see my taxes.”
Trump said that while there was a chance that Americans could have an effective coronavirus vaccine by the end of the year, the chance of their having a glimpse of his tax returns by then sits at zero. “Those are fantastic odds in favor of a vaccine,” he beamed.
To insure that the nation gets a vaccine before it gets his taxes, Trump said he was launching an ambitious initiative called Operation Infinite Delay, to slow the disclosure of his taxes to a dead halt.
“Eventually, my taxes will just go away,” he predicted.
At the National Institutes of Health, Anthony Fauci was asked for his assessment of Trump’s forecast that a vaccine would be released before his taxes. “This might be the first scientifically accurate thing he’s said,” Fauci commented.
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
5/14/20 Trump Wishes He Could Replace Fauci with the Doctor Who Saved Him from Vietnam
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump wishes he could replace Anthony Fauci with the podiatrist who helped him avoid serving in the Vietnam War, Trump said on Thursday.
Speaking to reporters, Trump disparaged Fauci by arguing that he is not “half the doctor” that his former podiatrist was.
“You tell Tony to do something, and he says he has to look at a bunch of numbers and charts first, and even then he maybe doesn’t do what you told him to,” Trump complained. “You asked my foot doctor in Queens to say I had bone spurs and, boom, ten minutes later you got the note.”
If his podiatrist were still alive, Trump said, “I would tell him that the country was at war with coronavirus, and he would get me out of it, no questions asked.”
He also questioned whether Fauci was as medically qualified as his former podiatrist. “An epidemiologist like Tony specializes in just one thing,” Trump said. “A podiatrist has to know about both feet. That’s twice as much knowledge, medically speaking.”
Trump grew emotional as he recalled the “unbelievable service” that his beloved podiatrist performed for him. “That doctor saved lives,” he said.
5/13/20 Rand Paul Says Secret to Social Distancing Is Making Everyone Despise You
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Sharing helpful health tips with the American people, Senator Rand Paul said on Wednesday that the secret to social distancing is making everyone despise you.
“People get all worried about whether other people are staying six feet away from them,” Paul said. “The trick is, if you act like a total jerkwad, people will stay much farther away from you than that.”
Paul also questioned whether wearing a mask protects someone as well as saying incredibly asinine things does.
“Airborne droplets can spread by people talking to each other,” Paul said. “If no one ever wants to talk to you, problem solved.”
He urged places of business in his home state of Kentucky to reopen as soon as possible, a process that he volunteered to help safely facilitate. “If you reopen your restaurant and it gets too crowded, I will walk through the door and immediately clear it out,” he said.
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
5/11/20 Obama Unworried About Trump Accusing Him of Crime Because Bill Barr Does Not Prosecute Criminals
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama said on Monday that he is unconcerned about Donald Trump accusing him of “the greatest crime in American history” because Attorney General Bill Barr does not prosecute criminals.
“At first, when I heard that he was accusing me of being the worst criminal ever, I have to admit I was a little rattled,” Obama said. “But then I remembered Barr’s don’t-prosecute-crimes policy, and I was pretty chill about it.”
Obama said that he was unsure what crime Trump was accusing him of committing, “but I’m pretty sure I never lied to the F.B.I. or anything as serious as that—so I’m good.”
The former President said that, if it turns out that he did commit a crime, “I’ll immediately admit that I did it, because, if history is any guide, the next thing that will happen is me not getting prosecuted.”
Reflecting on how the Department of Justice might view his illegal actions, whatever they were, Obama said, “This is an awesome time to be a criminal.”
5/11/20 Susan Collins to Self-Quarantine to Avoid Possible Contact with Decisions
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—One week after the United States Senate returned to session, Senator Susan Collins, of Maine, said that she would self-quarantine to avoid possible contact with decisions.
Collins said that she had hoped to safely distance herself from any decisions while at the Senate but feared that the risk of accidental exposure to a decision was too great.
“I was troubled and concerned by how many decisions there were,” she said. “It did not feel safe to me.”
Collins said that she would self-quarantine until she is confident that the danger of being in the vicinity of a decision had clearly passed.
“As much as I hated making this decision, if it leads to me not making more decisions, it was a decision worth making,” she said on a Zoom call with reporters, before muting herself.
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
5/8/20 Bill Barr Tests Negative for Integrity
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a test result that he called “a tremendous relief,” the Attorney General, Bill Barr, has tested negative for integrity, Barr confirmed on Friday.
Barr submitted to the test after learning that he had come into contact with career Justice Department prosecutors who were found to be integrity carriers.
“When I learned that there were still people at the Justice Department with integrity, I was understandably furious,” Barr told reporters. “I told them to go home at once.”
Barr said that he was putting into place new protocols that would require Justice Department employees to be tested for integrity before entering the building.
“I thought that anyone with integrity had already left the Justice Department, but apparently I was mistaken,” he said. “It’s better to be safe than sorry.”
Although he was elated to learn that he had tested negative for integrity, Barr said that he shuddered to think how close he came to contracting the dreaded virtue.
“Having integrity would have made it impossible for me to work for President Trump,” he said.
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
5/7/20 Unskilled American Somehow Still Employed
(Photo of Jared Kushner)
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Despite an increasingly grim employment picture, an unskilled American man remains gainfully employed, labor experts confirmed.
With millions applying for unemployment benefits each week, experts expressed bafflement and outright astonishment that a man with no identifiable skills, talents, or competence appears to be secure in his job.
“This unskilled individual’s continued employment defies any kind of economic logic,” Davis Logsdon, who studies employment trends at the University of Minnesota, said. “Of the 33.5 million Americans who have applied for unemployment benefits over the past seven weeks, approximately 33.5 million are more qualified than he is.”
Even more perplexing, experts said, is the unskilled man’s persistent employment after failing at a series of other jobs during the past three years.
“The only explanation that makes sense, and I’ll admit it’s far-fetched, is that whoever hired him is equally unskilled,” Logsdon said.
Despite the man’s puzzlingly long record of employment, Logsdon said that ferocious economic headwinds could bring it to an abrupt halt, as early as November.
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
5/6/20 Coronavirus Task Force Officially Split as Fauci Announces Solo Album
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—The rumored breakup of the White House coronavirus task force became official on Wednesday, after Dr. Anthony Fauci announced plans for a solo album.
While fans of the task force had been hoping that the group would somehow stay together, palpable creative differences among the members made Fauci’s decision to go solo “only a matter of time,” one source said.
“By the end, it was clear that Tony couldn’t stand being on the same stage as Trump,” the source said. “It was getting very, very uncomfortable.”
The source scoffed at rumors that Trump might attempt a solo album of his own. “Tony Fauci was the coronavirus task force,” he said.
Speaking to reporters, Fauci said that his upcoming solo release would be full of material that he was prevented from using as a member of the task force.
“I have a lot inside me that I wasn’t allowed to express,” Fauci said. “The creative freedom of doing this album has been amazing.”
The first video from the album, “Don’t Reopen (Yet),” featuring Bill Gates, will drop next week, Fauci said.
Once his solo album is finished, the esteemed virologist said that he planned to tour extensively to promote it. “I’ve always wanted to play the House of Representatives,” he said.
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
5/5/20 Murder Hornets Doubt They Can Do as Much Damage as Trump
WASHINGTON STATE (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “a tall order, for sure,” a swarm of murder hornets are openly questioning whether they can do as much damage to the United States as Donald J. Trump has.
In an unusually candid interview, the deadly winged insects said that their initial plans to invade North America, spreading terror and carnage in their wake, have been largely upended by Trump’s performance this year.
“We had been talking about coming to America for, like, forever,” one hornet said. “It’s obviously a huge market, and we wanted to make a big splash over here. And now this.”
The hornet said that, when it became clear that Trump was causing headline-grabbing destruction, “a bunch of us were, like, ‘Should we postpone our whole deal? It seems like we’re not going to get the attention we’ve been shooting for.’ ”
Ultimately, the hornets decided to stick with their original launch date, but they are now confronting the unpalatable reality that “Trump has definitely left us in the dust, threat-wise.”
“Look, we’re murder hornets,” the hornet said. “We’re going to do what murder hornets do. We’re going to sting people. We’re going to terrify them. But are we really going to engulf the United States of America in terror and existential despair? Trump has set the bar very high.”
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
5/4/20 New Claim That Enemies of U.S. Developed Trump in Lab
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Enemies of the United States developed Donald J. Trump in a top-secret biotech lab with the goal of wreaking untold havoc on the nation, a leading conspiracy theorist claimed on Monday.
The theorist, Harland Dorrinson, said that he has “conclusive evidence” that Trump was created by enemy scientists as the “ultimate weapon” to bring the United States to its knees.
“Having combed through binders of secret documents, I can say with a hundred per cent confidence that the person we have been calling Donald Trump was grown in a recombinant-DNA lab,” Dorrinson said.
“It’s the only possible explanation,” he added.
While the organism known as Trump appeared to be little more than a curiosity for the first seven decades of his existence, “seemingly designed for our amusement,” in recent days he has become “fully weaponized,” the conspiracy theorist asserted.
“In the past two weeks, he has urged Americans to defy public-health orders, to insert ultraviolet light inside their bodies, and to ingest bleach,” he said. “In a secret lab somewhere, enemy scientists are popping champagne.”
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
5/2/20 Blocked From Testifying, Fauci Plans Zoom Call with Entire Country
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Blocked by the White House from testifying before Congress, Anthony Fauci said on Saturday that he would schedule a Zoom call with the entire country.
The esteemed virologist said that the Zoom call would be an opportunity for all three hundred and twenty-eight million Americans to ask him questions about the White House’s response to the pandemic. “It’ll be just like one of the task-force briefings, only I’ll actually be allowed to talk,” he said.
Fauci acknowledged that there could be logistical challenges to getting every person in the country on the same Zoom call.
“Our faces will probably look pretty small, and they may freeze if there’s not enough bandwidth,” he said. “You might want to tell your kids to get off Fortnite for fifteen minutes.”
He said that it was “unlikely” that Donald Trump would be joining the call. “We’re mainly going to be talking about science, so I don’t think it’s his thing,” Fauci said.
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
5/1/20 Michigan Governor Arrogantly Forcing Residents to Remain Alive
LANSING (The Borowitz Report)—Gretchen Whitmer, the governor of Michigan, is “arrogantly forcing the residents of her state to remain alive,” Attorney General William Barr charged on Friday.
Hinting that the Justice Department could soon file a lawsuit against Whitmer, Barr alleged that her “unhinged obsession with keeping her state’s residents breathing” represented “government overreach at its worst.”
Barr also suggested that Whitmer’s “blatant anti-coronavirus bias” would likely come back to haunt her at the ballot box.
“Gretchen Whitmer never asked Michiganders for their consent to remain alive, and they won’t forget that any time soon,” Barr said.
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
4/29/20 Pence Starts Wearing Mask After Fauci Says It Will Protect Him from Women
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Vice-President Mike Pence has started wearing a mask after Anthony Fauci told him that it will protect him from women, Fauci has confirmed.
After seeing video of a maskless Pence touring the Mayo Clinic, on Tuesday, Fauci said, “I knew I had to come up with something fast” to get through to Pence.
Fauci immediately got on the phone with the Vice-President and informed him that “clinical research” had demonstrated that a mask is “an effective female-repellent.”
“I told him that wearing a mask would protect him from 99.99 per cent of all women,” Fauci said. “He seemed very impressed.”
In an official statement, the Vice-President thanked Fauci for his excellent advice and indicated that he would start wearing a mask at all times, including at home.
4/28/20 CNN to Show Phone Number of Poison-Control Hotline Whenever Trump Speaks
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—CNN announced on Tuesday that it will show the phone number of a national poison-control hotline whenever Donald Trump appears on the air.
Speaking on behalf of the network, Wolf Blitzer, the veteran anchor, said that CNN was adopting the new policy out of concern for “the health and safety of our viewers.”
“At CNN, we strive to keep our viewers informed. But, in order to do that, we must first keep them alive,” he said.
In order to implement the new policy, Sanjay Gupta, the network’s chief medical correspondent, will monitor CNN’s programming on a twenty-four-hour basis for any signs of Trump.
“The moment Donald Trump appears, Sanjay will flip a switch and the flashing poison-control number will appear onscreen,” Blitzer said.
The phone number will disappear as soon as someone other than Trump, such as Anthony Fauci, begins to speak.
“If Trump interrupts Dr. Fauci and starts talking again, Sanjay will punch the number back up,” the host of “The Situation Room" indicated.
CNN decided to institute the new measure after it became apparent that Trump had not followed through on his threat to stop appearing at coronavirus briefings. “Clearly, the danger has not passed,” Blitzer said.
4/27/20 Trump Blames Plummeting Poll Numbers on People Paying Attention When He Talks
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a “disgraceful situation,” Donald J. Trump on Monday blamed his sinking poll numbers on people paying attention when he talks.
Noting that his approval rating has plummeted since he began holding coronavirus briefings, he said, “There are a lot of people out there who are listening to things I say and basing their opinions on them, and I think it’s very sad.”
In addition to people paying attention when he talks, Trump said that he was being “treated very unfairly by people who remember what I say.”
“People are listening to what I say one day and comparing it to something I said on a different day,” he said. “These are very sick and terrible people.”
Trump also lashed out at the pollsters themselves, who, he alleged, are “doing a hit job on me” by seeking the opinions of people who listened to things he said.
“The fact that they’re talking to people who have listened to me proves how crooked and rigged these polls are,” he said. “People who haven’t listened to me think I’m doing great.”
Trump said that, if people persist in listening to him, he may stop talking altogether. “I think that’s a really good plan,” Trump said. “Dr. Fauci suggested it to me.”
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
4/25/20 Experts Believe the Coronavirus Could Be Defeated with the Twenty-fifth Amendment
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a possible breakthrough that Americans have been hoping for, experts believe that the coronavirus could be defeated by the Twenty-fifth Amendment to the United States Constitution.
The experts, from the fields of science, public health, government, and law, were uniformly enthusiastic in their conviction that the Twenty-fifth Amendment is the single most powerful weapon that the nation currently has to vanquish the coronavirus.
“Researchers are hard at work developing therapeutics and vaccines, but it will be some time before those solutions are viable,” Davis Logsdon, a doctor and professor at the University of Minnesota, said. “The Twenty-fifth Amendment is ready to go right now.”
Although much about the coronavirus remains unknown, Logsdon said, “We’ve learned a lot about some of the conditions that enable it to thrive, like incompetence, laziness, and ignorance. The Twenty-fifth Amendment eradicates all three of those conditions. It’s like constitutional Lysol.”
Logsdon acknowledged that using the Twenty-fifth Amendment has raised some concerns, since it has never been used before on a human, but added, “I can think of no better human to use it on.”
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
4/24/20 Trump Advises States Facing Bankruptcy to Borrow Millions from Their Dads
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Days after the Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, advised cash-strapped states to declare bankruptcy, Donald J. Trump added that they could avoid such a filing by borrowing millions from their dads.
“These states need to get on the phone with their dads and explain the mess they’ve gotten themselves into,” Trump said. “Their dads might give them a royal chewing out, but the old men will come through with the cash.”
Detailing his plan to return the states to solvency, Trump said, “Their dads can bring the money into the states in a briefcase, or a bag of casino chips. Whatever’s easiest.”
If, however, their dads “won’t cough up the dough,” Trump told the states that bankruptcy is “no big deal.”
“You can file for bankruptcy four, five, six times,” he said. “It works out very strongly and powerfully, and everything will be nice.”
Trump expressed his surprise that it had never occurred to the states to ask their dads for money. “Sometimes it feels like I have to do everything around here,” he complained.
Bonus: This Click here for this hilarious Trump press conference parody. The president's "advisor" is back.
4/24/19 America’s Four-Year-Olds Warn Against Following Trump’s Medical Advice
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unprecedented move, the nation’s four-year-olds have issued an official communiqué warning against following Donald J. Trump’s medical advice.
Asserting that their communiqué was “not about politics,” the four-year-olds said that they were issuing the statement out of concern for public health.
“By now, many of you have heard Donald Trump making medical recommendations from the White House,” the statement read. “It’s important for you to know that these recommendations have no basis in medical or scientific fact.”
“Right now, millions of you are stuck at home with nothing to do,” the statement continued. “Still, that’s no excuse to do anything that Donald Trump tells you to do.”
The four-year-olds’ communiqué ended with a general advisory for the future: “Whenever Donald Trump tells you to do something, ask yourself: If Donald Trump jumped off a bridge, would you jump off a bridge? Of course not.”
Click here for one article I found that may have prompted this report.
4/22/20 Texas’s Lieutenant Governor Says Dying Not as Bad as Living in State Where He Is Lieutenant Governor
AUSTIN (The Borowitz Report)—Urging Texans to “keep things in perspective,” Texas’s lieutenant governor, Dan Patrick, said on Wednesday that dying is “surely not as bad” as living in a state where he is lieutenant governor.
Patrick, whose vehement anti-living message has stirred controversy across the country, said that he was speaking out to remind Texans that there are “some things worse than dying.”
“It’s time for a reality check, folks,” Patrick said. “If you wake up every morning and remember that I am the second-highest-ranking elected official in your state, maybe dying doesn’t look so bad, after all.”
Arguing that “dying has got a bad rap,” he blasted the media for what he called its “flagrant anti-death bias.”
“All these media people who go on about how dying is the worst thing in the world have never spent any time with me,” he said.
4/20/20 Cuomo Says Florida Beachgoers Travelling to New York Must First Be Tested for I.Q.
ALBANY (The Borowitz Report)—After seeing images of Floridians crowding the beaches in Jacksonville, New York Governor Andrew Cuomo announced that all Florida beachgoers who travel to New York must first be tested for I.Q.
“Just as we’ve started flattening the curve, a surge in Florida beachgoers is the last thing our state needs,” Cuomo said. “And so, at all points of entry in New York, we will be ramping up I.Q. testing immediately.”
Cuomo said that, in order to administer I.Q. tests to all Florida beachgoers attempting to enter New York, the state will have to purchase tens of thousands of I.Q. tests on the open market.
“I asked the President for help in buying them, but he doesn’t believe in I.Q. tests,” the Governor said.
In Tallahassee, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis said that he was “hopping mad” at Cuomo for insisting that Florida beachgoers prove that they are capable of rational thought.
“I was on the beach in Jacksonville yesterday,” a defiant DeSantis said. “If I fly to New York right now, will my I.Q. be tested?”
Minutes later, Cuomo issued a brief response. “In the case of Governor DeSantis, I don’t think an I.Q. test is necessary,” he said.
Click here for one news article that may have prompted this report.4/20/20 Nation’s Parents Fear That If Kids Miss Enough School They Will Turn Out Like Betsy DeVos
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (The Borowitz Report)—With many of the nation’s schools closed through the end of the school year, millions of American parents worry that if their children miss enough school they will turn out like Betsy DeVos.
As news broke last week that the DeVos family has provided funding to one of the organizations behind recent anti-social-distancing protests, parents panicked at the prospect of their school-deprived children becoming as ignorant as the nation’s Education Secretary.
“Without school, our kids could have frightening gaps in their understanding of math, science, and history,” Carol Foyler, a parent in Akron, Ohio, said. “We could be raising a generation of Betsy DeVoses.”
Terrified by such a dire outcome, Foyler hired a remote tutor for her son Ryan, a first grader, but her anxiety persists.
“Yesterday, I kind of lost it with Ryan,” she said. “I told him, ‘You don’t want to grow up to be like Betsy DeVos.’ I immediately felt horrible. I’ve never spoken to my child like that.”
Speaking to reporters at the Department of Education, Secretary DeVos tried to reassure parents about the school closures. “Many schools have been closed for one month,” she said. “Even if they remain closed for two more months, that’s only a total of four months.”
Click here for one news article prompting this report.
4/17/20 Dr. Oz Fears That Coronavirus Comments Could Hurt His Credibility as Expert on Magic Beans
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Oz is deeply concerned that his controversial comments about the coronavirus could damage his hard-earned credibility as an expert on magic beans, Dr. Oz confirmed on Friday.
“I’ve worked long and hard to establish myself as the world’s leading authority on the magical weight-loss powers of green-coffee-bean extract,” Oz said. “It’s horrifying to think that my stature in the field of magic-beanology could vanish overnight, like unwanted pounds.”
Oz pleaded with viewers not to judge him based on a few unfortunate comments but, rather, to consider his entire body of medical work, including his pioneering research into the fat-burning superpowers of raspberry ketones.
“A few ill-considered remarks don’t change the fact that I’m the same Dr. Oz who recommended curing restless-leg syndrome by placing a bar of lavender soap under your sheets,” he said. “And should one slip of the tongue erase all the times I’ve promoted astrology, faith healing, and psychic communication with the dead? I should hope not.”
But even as he defended his unimpeachable scientific record, Oz acknowledged that the coronavirus controversy has left him badly shaken. “In my darkest moments, I wonder if people will ever believe me again when I tell them that umckaloabo-root extract cures the common cold,” he said.
4/17/20 Fauci: No Evidence That Warmer Weather Will Make Trump Disappear
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Responding to what he called “wishful thinking” on the part of millions of Americans, Dr. Anthony Fauci said on Thursday that there was “no scientific evidence” that warmer weather will make Donald J. Trump disappear.
Answering a question from CNN’s Jake Tapper, Fauci said, “There’s a lot of stuff on the Internet about how, when the warmer weather comes, maybe Trump will disappear, or at least somewhat diminish the wreckage he causes. Unfortunately, there’s no evidence to suggest that this will be the case.”
Fauci said that, based on the photographic and video record of Trump at his Mar-a-Lago resort, “He appears to be more active in the warmer weather.”
“When the temperature goes up, he seems to get less lethargic and goes golfing,” Fauci said. “This suggests that, when the summer months come, we could be seeing a second wave of him, unfortunately.”
The esteemed virologist did hold out some hope to Americans who have been counting on a seasonal change to make Trump vanish. “Something like that could happen in November,” he said.
4/15/20 Trump Defends Decision to Sign Stimulus Checks: “I Want My Name to Be Synonymous With the Coronavirus”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump vehemently defended his decision to have his name printed on millions of I.R.S. checks being issued to the American people, telling reporters on Wednesday, “I want my name to be synonymous with the coronavirus.”
Lashing out at critics of his decision, Trump said, “I have been working on this pandemic day in, day out, and I deserve total credit for it.”
He said that, by putting his name on the checks, “Whenever the American people hear about the coronavirus, the first thing they’ll think of is me.”
Asked about Trump’s decision to sign the checks, Dr. Anthony Fauci said, “I don’t think it was really necessary, since most people already associate the coronavirus with him.”
Former President Barack Obama said that he was “surprised” by Trump’s statement, remarking, “I had no idea that he knew what the word ‘synonymous’ meant.”
Click here for one news article prompting this report.
4/15/20 Trump Says the Three Things He Hates Most Are the World, Health, and Organization
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—At Tuesday’s White House Coronavirus Task Force briefing, Donald J. Trump said that the three things he hates the most are the world, health, and organization.
“I hate the world, and I’ve always hated it,” he said. “The world is a horrible place because of all the horrible people in it. Any place that has Jim Acosta in it, I hate. The world is a disgrace.”
“Coming in at No. 2 of things I hate would definitely be health,” he said. “For the past two months, it’s all I’ve been hearing about, health this, health that. I wish health would just disappear. We’re trying to make that happen very strongly.”
“Finally, I’ve got to say that I hate organization,” he said. “Anyone who’s known me for any amount of time knows just how much I despise organization. Now, all of a sudden, governors, these beauties, are coming to me and asking me to organize everything. Well, it’s not gonna happen. For years before I got here, there was organization at the White House, and no one did anything about it. Well, now that I’m President, the federal government is getting out of the organization business.”
4/14/20 National Archives Report Someone Tried to Scrawl “Total Authority” with Sharpie on U.S. Constitution
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An unknown person attempted to scrawl the words “total authority” on the United States Constitution with a Sharpie, the National Archives reported on Tuesday.
A security guard spotted the attempted vandalism on Tuesday morning, when he noticed “something weird” on the glass case protecting the priceless historical document.
“Someone had written the words in big block letters,” the security guard said. “Plus, both ‘total’ and ‘authority’ were misspelled.”
“It looked like the work of a small child, but there are no school groups here because of the coronavirus and whatnot,” he added. “So it’s a real mystery.”
Harland Dorrinson, a spokesperson for the National Archives, said that, even though the Constitution was unharmed, the Archives are launching a “full investigation” to determine what “sick person” attempted to deface the document.
“Somewhere in Washington, there’s a person on the loose who hates the way the Constitution is actually written,” he said.
4/13/20 Study: No One Could Have Seen Pandemic Coming Except People Capable of Reading
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—No one could have seen the coronavirus pandemic coming except for people who are capable of reading, a new study indicates.
The study, published by the University of Minnesota, is highly critical of the current early-warning system for global pandemics, which requires that a person have the literacy necessary to read, comprehend, and digest a memo.
“In order to see a pandemic coming, one would have to read and also understand the words, sentences, and paragraphs that compose a typical memo,” Professor Davis Logsdon, the author of the study, said. “And some of these memos can run two, three, even four pages in length.”
For someone who does not typically read, and instead spends ten or twelve hours a day watching television, “A memo like that is doomed to fall through the cracks.”
Logsdon believes that the abject failure of the current “reading-centric” early-warning system can teach us valuable lessons about how to combat future pandemics.
“Right now, the lives of millions depend upon one person not being illiterate,” he said. “That’s setting the bar awfully high.”
4/13/20 Nation’s Governors Consider Forming Country
AMERICA (The Borowitz Report)—In order to better coördinate their efforts to combat the coronavirus, the nation’s governors are considering the extraordinary step of forming a country.
The radical proposal is an unusual bipartisan effort, spearheaded by the Democratic governor of Michigan, Gretchen Whitmer, and the Republican Governor of Ohio, Mike DeWine.
“Mike and I were bidding against each other for masks and ventilators, and I was, like, ‘Mike this is crazy,’ ” Whitmer said. “ ‘It would be so much better if we just worked together and formed a country.’ ”
DeWine said that Whitmer’s proposal of creating a country out of the fifty states “made a lot of sense.”
“It was one of those moments where someone throws out a nutty idea and you think, ‘Hold on, let’s think on that for a second,’ ” he said.
While the idea of the fifty states coming together to form a country is still in the embryonic stage, DeWine said that the states would ideally create a “federal government” led by a “President.”
“We’re all in agreement that it would be amazing to have a President right now,” DeWine said.
A straw poll of the governors indicates that the front-runner for President of this yet-to-be-named country is one of their own: Governor Andrew Cuomo, of New York.
“Andrew keeps saying that he doesn’t want to be President,” Whitmer said. “And I’m, like, ‘Dude, you already are.’ ”
4/10/20 Fauci Refuses to Say When It Would Be Safe to Reopen Trump’s Mouth
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)— In a televised interview on Friday, Dr. Anthony Fauci refused to say when it would be safe to reopen Donald J. Trump’s mouth.
Fauci was responding to a question from CNN’s Jake Tapper, who asked if the esteemed virologist had a timetable for when Trump’s mouth could be reopened without endangering public health.
“The problem, Jake, is that, when his mouth is closed, we start making progress,” Fauci said. “Keeping his mouth closed is the one thing we know that works.”
“We don’t want to make the mistake of getting overconfident, reopening his mouth, and creating even worse problems than we have now,” Fauci added.
Attempting to pin down the epidemiologist, Tapper asked, “For the sake of argument, could you see reopening his mouth in the summer? In the fall?”
“In an ideal world, my answer would be never, Jake,” Fauci said.
4/9/20 Fauci Begs Pharma Companies to Speed Development of Anti-Narcissism Drug
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Stating that “time is of the essence,” Dr. Anthony Fauci is imploring the nation’s pharmaceutical companies to fast-track the development of a drug to treat narcissism.
Acknowledging that narcissistic-personality disorder has historically been resistant to medication, the esteemed virologist said that a breakthrough drug was “urgently needed.”
“I have seen the toll that narcissism takes, day in, day out,” Fauci said. “The human cost is incalculable.”
Without offering scientific evidence or data, Fauci argued, “Successfully treating one narcissist could substantially reduce the misery and suffering of millions.”
The epidemiologist said that, as soon as a promising anti-narcissism drug is developed, he would “personally mastermind” its clinical trials.
For the purpose of those trials, Fauci said, it would be optimal to manufacture the drug as a pill or anything else “that could be easily crushed and dissolved in a Diet Coke.”
Click here for one news article prompting this report.
4/8/20 Fauci Urges Trump to Attack the Coronavirus as if It Were an Inspector General
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what he described as a “potentially major breakthrough,” Dr. Anthony Fauci has convinced Donald Trump to attack covid-19 as if it were an inspector general.
Fauci, who has been frustrated in his efforts to get through to Trump, compared the global pandemic to an inspector general while in a closed-door meeting with the President on Wednesday.
“What do you hate more than anything, Mr. President?” Fauci asked.
“Jim Acosta,” Trump immediately replied.
“O.K., fine. But, besides Jim Acosta,” Fauci said, “it would be an inspector general, right?”
“You’re right, Tony,” Trump agreed. “I hate those losers.”
“Well, think of covid-19 as the worst inspector general in the world,” Fauci continued. “It’s overseeing everything you do and making you follow the law. It’s keeping you from spending taxpayer money on anything you want. You wouldn’t stand for that, would you?”
Reportedly, Trump appeared shaken by Fauci’s analogy. “Damn it, Tony, when you put it that way, we’ve got to do something about covid-19,” he said.
Speaking to reporters, Fauci said that he was “cautiously optimistic” that his inspector-general analogy would finally spur Trump to action, but added, “Jared could still screw this up.”
4/7/20 Experts Recommend Disinfecting Television After Trump Has Been On
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—People should get in the habit of thoroughly disinfecting their televisions after Donald J. Trump has been on, a cross-section of experts confirmed on Tuesday.
“If you have access to disinfectant wipes, thoroughly clean the television,” Dr. Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota, said. “If the television is on your kitchen counter, wipe down the counter and put any dishes and other kitchen items that were exposed to Trump in the dishwasher. This won’t eliminate all traces of Trump, but it can’t hurt.”
Dr. Carol Foyler, of U.C.L.A. advised that “disinfecting your television is good as far as it goes, but everyone needs to be aware that, if Trump has been on TV, it is possible that Trump has been transmitted to you through the air.”
“I would take off your clothes, put them in the wash, and take a shower,” she said. “After you get out of the shower, if you have hand sanitizer, slather your naked body with it. This is what I do after Trump has been on.”
Logsdon agreed with Foyler’s recommendations but added, “I burn my clothes.”
Dr. Harland Dorrinson, of Wake Forest, agreed with the other experts but called disinfecting one’s television and burning one’s clothes “half-measures.”
“Last week, I had the TV on, and suddenly they cut away for a Trump briefing,” he said. “I put on latex gloves and unplugged the television. I carefully placed the television in a garbage bag, sealed it securely with duct tape, and put it out on the street. Everyone should do this right now.”
Click here for one news article prompting this report.
4/7/20 Peter Navarro’s Ph.D. Revealed to Be from Trump University
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Peter Navarro, the trade adviser who is playing a key role in the White House’s coronavirus response, earned a Ph.D. from Trump University, it emerged on Tuesday.
Although Navarro has bragged about his academic attainments, his doctorate from Trump U. had remained a well-kept secret until Tuesday morning, when Donald J. Trump cited it as “the reason I hired him.”
According to his newly revealed Trump University transcript, Navarro majored in Trump Studies, which the defunct university’s course catalogue described as the “study of the incredible achievements and philosophy of Donald J. Trump.”
To earn his Ph.D., Navarro wrote a doctoral dissertation entitled “Donald J. Trump: Genius or Savior?” Extolling Navarro’s academic work, Trump said, “If it comes down to an argument between Tony Fauci and Peter Navarro, I’ll go with the Trump University grad, every time.”
For his part, Navarro told reporters that “fighting a pandemic isn’t rocket science,” but added that he is also an expert in rocket science.
Click here for one news article prompting this report.4/6/20 Trump Optimistic About Winning Nobel Prize in Medicine
WASHINGTON, D.C. (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it an “amazing accomplishment,” Donald J. Trump said on Monday that he believes that he is the “clear favorite” to win this year’s Nobel Prize in Medicine.
Trump said that he was a “lock” to win the Nobel because of his pioneering work in prescribing the drug hydroxychloroquine.
“I’ve been talking about hydroxychloroquine so much that a lot of people think I invented it,” Trump said. “You have to give the Nobel to someone who invents a major drug like that.”
He dismissed any claim that his lack of medical credentials disqualify him from winning the Nobel Prize in Medicine.
“Just the opposite,” he said. “The fact that I’m not a doctor makes my ability to prescribe drugs that much more impressive.”
Trump said that he hoped the Nobel committee would be a “hell of a lot more fair” about giving out the Nobel in Medicine than they were in bestowing the Nobel Peace Prize.
“I did peace, I did peace great, and I didn’t get the Peace Prize,” Trump said. “If I don’t get the Medicine Prize, then the whole Nobel business is rigged.”
He revealed that his medical discoveries had “blown away” the doctors on the White House Coronavirus Task Force.
“When I tell Tony Fauci some of the stuff I’ve come up with, he just shakes his head,” Trump said.
4/4/20 National Incompetence Stockpiles at Full Capacity
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The National Incompetence Stockpiles, the federal reserves of inanity and ineptitude to be drawn upon in times of crisis, are at “full capacity,” the Government Accountability Office announced on Saturday.
According to the G.A.O., the Incompetence Stockpiles are so well stocked at the moment that they are in danger of overflowing.
“The sheer tonnage of failure and impotence that is being dumped into the stockpiles on a daily basis is straining their ability to contain it,” the G.A.O. statement read.
Davis Logsdon, a professor at the University of Minnesota who has written the definitive book about the National Incompetence Stockpiles, said that the nation’s futility reserves stand at their highest levels ever, eclipsing the record stockpiles established during the tenure of President George W. Bush.
“The Bush Administration tapped the National Incompetence Stockpiles when it invaded Iraq and responded to Hurricane Katrina,” Logsdon said. “At the time, it seemed as though the stockpiles would never be fully replenished, and that makes the Trump Administration’s achievement all the more striking.”
According to the statutes governing the National Incompetence Stockpiles, individual states may draw on the federal reserves of idiocy in times of emergency, but so far the governors of states like Georgia, Texas, and Florida have been able to rely on vast stockpiles of their own.
4/3/20 Fauci Urges Non-Essential Worker to Go Home
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci has urged a non-essential employee of the White House Coronavirus Task Force to go home immediately, Fauci confirmed on Friday.
Speaking to reporters, the esteemed virologist said that he made the decision to expel the worker for “the health and safety of others.”
“He said that he felt fine coming to work every day,” Fauci said. “I told him, ‘You may feel fine, but by coming into work you are endangering the lives of countless others.’ ”
Fauci said that his decision to send the non-essential worker home was based on the most recent scientific findings.
“What we’re learning is that breathing and talking can put lives in jeopardy, and this one worker did more breathing and talking than anyone else on the team,” he said.
The employee is expected to spend fourteen hours a day in isolation watching television, a two-hour increase from his normal routine.
I wonder if this article from May 2016 prompted this report.
4/2/20 Trump Launches “Celebrity Coronavirus Briefing” with Gary Busey and Dennis Rodman
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to inject some ratings magic into an aging TV franchise, Donald J. Trump announced on Thursday that he would soon launch “Celebrity Coronavirus Briefing.”
Trump said that he was green-lighting the reboot because the current version of the show was “getting kind of old.”
“CNN and MSNBC started cutting away from the show, and that made me very unhappy,” he said. “I realized I had to jazz things up.”
The first episode of “Celebrity Coronavirus Briefing,” to air next Monday, will feature two Trump favorites,Gary Busey and Dennis Rodman.
“We’re going to be seeing a lot of Gary and Dennis and lot less of those boring charts,” he said. “Everybody I talk to hates the charts.”
Trump said that the addition of celebrities to the coronavirus briefings meant that some of the show’s current cast members would have to go.
“Does Mike Pence stay in the cast?” he said. “He’s not a lock. Tony and Deborah? Not sure. The only person who’s a definite at this point is the MyPillow guy. We’re going to be seeing a lot more of the MyPillow guy.”
4/1/20 Trump Practicing Distancing from All His Prior Statements About the Coronavirus
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Issuing a new distancing guideline on Wednesday, Donald Trump said that he was now practicing distancing from all of his previous statements about the coronavirus.
“As of today, I will be keeping a great distance between myself and anything I said about covid-19 in the months of January, February, and March,” he said. “I will be staying at least six feet away from those statements, and probably more like ten thousand feet.”
Trump said that he could not predict how long his new practice of distancing would continue, but indicated, “Next week, I will probably be distancing myself from things I said this week. This could go on for a long time.”
He urged all Americans to distance themselves from his previous statements, as well. “If you’re watching CNN or MSNBC and they start showing things I said in February, leave the room immediately,” he advised.
Dr. Anthony Fauci, the esteemed virologist, expressed approval of Trump’s new policy. “Personally, I have been distancing myself from his statements for months,” he said.
Click here for one news article that may have prompted this report.
3/31/20 Trump Catches Melania Watching Cuomo Briefing
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An awkward scene unfolded at the White House on Tuesday after Donald J. Trump came upon his wife, Melania, furtively watching New York Governor Andrew Cuomo’s daily coronavirus briefing.
According to White House sources, Trump was walking down a corridor of the Family Residence when he heard a familiar nasal voice emanating from the Lincoln Bedroom, droning on about masks and ventilators.
Bursting into the room, Trump came upon his wife watching Cuomo with rapt attention.
Caught by surprise, Melania quickly turned off the television and claimed that she was only watching Cuomo “to see how many big, terrible mistakes he makes.”
While her husband seemed to accept her explanation, the incident raised eyebrows at the White House, where, for weeks, the First Lady has been vanishing midday to watch the Governor’s daily covid-19 updates.
Reportedly, last week a White House staffer observed Melania alone in the Lincoln Bedroom, the lights dimmed, the room illuminated only by the flickering image of Andrew Cuomo.
Unaware that she was being watched, the First Lady was overheard murmuring to Cuomo, “You be best.”
3/31/20 America’s Teachers Urge Trump to Use Time at Home to Repeat First Grade
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump should use this time when he is staying at home to repeat first grade, the nation’s teachers are urging.
Carol Foyler, the executive director of the National Alliance of Elementary Educators, said that the homebound Trump has a “golden opportunity” to use remote learning to repeat the first-grade curriculum.
“At a time when many of our nation’s children are being homeschooled, this seems like the perfect time for President Trump to learn the basics of reading, writing, and math,” she said. “By June, he could be reading ‘Hop on Pop’ and ‘Go, Dog, Go!’ ”
She added that anyone at the White House would be qualified to homeschool Trump, “except Jared.”
Foyler acknowledged that the plan for Trump to repeat first grade had faced dissent from some of the nation’s teachers, who felt strongly that he should first repeat kindergarten.
“From an educational standpoint, the kindergarten curriculum is mainly devoted to socialization and getting along with others,” she said. “I think the ship has sailed on that.”
That disagreement aside, Foyler said that the nation’s elementary educators were prepared to offer Trump a broad array of online learning resources. “He will have everything he needs to repeat first grade while Dr. Fauci runs the country,” she said.
3/30/20 Fauci Warns Trump That If Everyone in U.S. Dies It Could Affect His TV Ratings
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a conversation over the weekend that reportedly left the President “shaken,” Dr. Anthony Fauci warned Donald Trump that if everyone in the United States dies, it would adversely affect his television ratings.
Although Fauci was quick to add that the everyone-dying scenario was purely hypothetical, he stressed that, from a medical perspective, alive people were more likely than dead ones to watch television.
According to a source familiar with the conversation, the possible impact of covid-19 fatalities on Trump’s ratings “totally blindsided” the President, who immediately convened an emergency meeting of the White House Coronavirus Task Force.
“It’s time you losers started taking this situation seriously,” Trump reportedly barked. “Especially you, Pence.”
In what was described as an increasingly rancorous session, Trump reprimanded the group for “not doing enough” to safeguard his TV ratings. “I like the numbers being where they are,” he thundered.
Shortly after the meeting, Trump signed an executive order requiring all Americans to be quarantined in their living rooms until further notice.
3/28/20 Fauci Gently Tells Trump Why He Can’t Hold Parade to Celebrate Great Job He Is Doing
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci spent several hours on Saturday gently explaining to Donald J. Trump why it would be “a bad idea” to hold a giant parade to celebrate the great job the President is doing to combat covid-19, Dr. Fauci has confirmed.
Trump first raised the idea of a massive parade early Saturday morning, arguing that it would address the “biggest problem” created by the pandemic thus far: the lack of appreciation for his own efforts regarding it.
“A parade would put Jay Inslee and that woman in Michigan in their place,” Trump bitterly insisted.
As Trump began drawing up plans for a parade, a panicked Dr. Fauci interceded and tried to explain that such a celebration would be “much nicer” if held after the pandemic is over.
“Would I still be able to have tanks?” a crestfallen Trump asked.
“Yes, you could have tanks,” Fauci replied.
“What about balloons?” Trump asked.
“You can have all the balloons you want,” the virologist said. “I promise you.”
Speaking to reporters, Dr. Fauci said he believed that, after laboriously explaining the situation to Trump, “I think I got through to him,” adding, “I’ve gotta lie down now.”
3/26/20 New Evidence Indicates Intelligence Not Contagious
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—New evidence uncovered over the past several weeks indicates that intelligence is not contagious, a study by the Centers for Disease Control reports.
In a controlled experiment documented by the study, a seventy-nine-year-old man with intelligence was placed in close proximity to a seventy-three-year-old man without it for a period of several weeks to see if even a trace of his knowledge and expertise could be transmitted.
After weeks of near-constant exposure, however, the seventy-three-year-old man appeared “a hundred per cent asymptomatic” of intelligence, the researchers found.
“In terms of facts, data, and wisdom, there was zero community spread,” the report stated.
The researchers, however, left open the possibility that intelligence might be transmissible to other people, just not to the seventy-three-year-old who was the subject of the experiment.
“There is evidence to suggest that this subject has developed a super-immunity to intelligence, making it impossible for even rudimentary information to permeate his extraordinarily thick cranium,” the study indicated.
Click here for one news article prompting this report.
3/25/20 Fauci Tricks Trump Into Believing There Is No Easter This Year
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Taking bold action to safeguard the health of millions of Americans, Dr. Anthony Fauci has tricked Donald J. Trump into believing that there is no Easter this year, Fauci has confirmed.
After hearing Trump declare on Tuesday that he hoped to reopen the country on Easter Sunday, an alarmed Fauci decided to spring into action.
“I ran down to my computer and mocked up a phony 2020 calendar with no Easter on it,” Fauci said. “Then I showed it to Trump and said, ‘There’s a problem with your plan, Mr. President. There’s no Easter this year.’”
According to Fauci, Trump was initially baffled by the news. “How could that be?” Trump asked. “There’s Easter every year.”
“This is a leap year,” the quick-thinking virologist replied.
“I guess I didn’t know it worked that way,” Trump said. “I never go to church.”
Fauci consoled Trump by telling him that, if all goes according to plan, the country could be reopened in time for Easter Sunday, 2021, a suggestion that Trump appeared somewhat reluctantly to accept.
The esteemed epidemiologist said that his dealings with Trump have now entered a new phase. “I’ve given up on containment, and I’m just doing mitigation,” he said.
Click here for one news article prompting this report.
3/24/20 Trump Invokes Defense Production Act to Mass-Produce Gallons of Spray Tan
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—At long last invoking the Defense Production Act, Donald J. Trump has ordered the nation’s factories to begin mass-producing gallons of spray tan.
Speaking at the White House on Tuesday, Trump said that, because millions of Americans have been forced to remain indoors, the country’s stockpiles of fake-tan reserves have fallen to “dangerously low” levels.
“I sent Mike Pence out to buy some yesterday, and he went to store after store and they were all out,” Trump said. “It’s a disgraceful situation.”
Trump said that, although he had been reluctant to invoke the D.P.A., “People are going to lose their tans within days if nothing is done.”
Under the order, the specific hue of spray tan that Trump has demanded will be pumped out by retrofitted factories that normally manufacture orange paint.
White House sources confirmed that Trump has also invoked the Defense Production Act to manufacture Sharpies, yellow hair dye, and one eighteen-hole indoor golf course.
Video of Fauci trying to hide his smirk when Trump mentioned "deep state."
3/22/20 Dr. Fauci Reports That Alcohol May Help People Survive Coronavirus Briefings
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a “promising development,” Dr. Anthony Fauci said on Sunday that alcohol may help people survive the most severe effects of coronavirus briefings.
Noting that millions of Americans have been exposed to the daily briefings of the White House Coronavirus Task Force, Fauci said that he had voluntarily submitted to a preliminary trial of the alcohol-based therapy.
“What we have found is that a single dosage before the briefing and as much as a double dosage after the briefing do much to alleviate the most acute suffering,” Fauci said.
The esteemed virologist said that if Americans are able to administer additional doses during the briefings, “Consider yourself lucky.”
But, even as Fauci hailed the benefits of the new treatment, he sounded a note of caution. “The effect of this medication is temporary,” he said. “Sadly.”
Fauci’s findings are in line with anecdotal reports indicating that Americans have been alleviating symptoms in a similar manner since November, 2016.
3/21/20 Forty Per Cent of Nation’s Toilet Paper Found in Richard Burr’s Garage
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report—In a new controversy ensnaring the chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee, forty per cent of the nation’s toilet-paper supply has been found in Senator Richard Burr’s garage.
The discovery of the coveted paper products occurred on Saturday morning, when Burr, who had been checking stock quotes on his phone, accidentally leaned against his garage-door opener.
The garage immediately disgorged the priceless cache of toilet paper, which tumbled into the street and snarled traffic for three blocks.
Picking through the mess, a sharp-eyed neighbor of Burr’s found a Costco receipt indicating that the senator had purchased the toilet paper in early January, shortly after he received classified information about the potential scope of the covid-19 pandemic.
In an official statement, Burr angrily denied that there was “anything inappropriate” about the mountain of toilet paper he was hiding in his garage.
“My wife buys all of the toilet paper in our house and has done so since we wed, in 1984,” he said. “I have never been a part of those decisions, and any attempt to imply otherwise is a malicious hit job.”
Burr said that, in order to dispel any suspicions about his actions, he was offering to donate the toilet paper to U.S. citizens for only thirty dollars a roll.
Click here for one news article prompting this report.
3/20/20 Richard Burr Demands Assurance That Senators Working from Home Will Still Get Stock Tips
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Amid speculation that United States senators might soon be working remotely, Senator Richard Burr on Friday demanded guarantees that senators working from home will still have access to insider-trading tips.
Speaking from the well of the Senate, an impassioned Burr, a Republican from North Carolina, said that a “system needs to be put in place—not tomorrow, not next week, but today—to insure that senators receive the insider-trading information that is both our lifeblood and our birthright.”
Burr blasted the Obama Administration for not establishing contingency plans to safeguard the steady flow of stock tips to U.S. senators in the event of a pandemic, nuclear war, or asteroid strike.
“The fact that we will soon be isolated in our homes, forced to seek out stock tips through e-mails, text messages, and what have you is, to put it mildly, unconscionable,” Burr, his voice quavering with anger, told his colleagues.
The North Carolina lawmaker urged the Senate to appropriate one and a half billion dollars immediately to fund the construction of a secure portal to provide real-time insider stock tips.
Moments after his speech, it was revealed that Burr yesterday invested in SecurePortalTek, a company that builds secure portals to provide real-time insider stock tips.
3/19/20 Fox to Address Coronavirus Crisis with Three-Part Series on Hunter Biden
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Determined to address the “No. 1 concern of the American people during the coronavirus crisis,” Fox News Channel announced on Thursday that it would air a three-part prime-time series on Hunter Biden.
The series, to be he co-hosted by Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson, and Rudy Giuliani, will attempt to soothe the anxieties of Fox viewers who have suddenly been plunged into uncertainty about the activities of Joe Biden’s son.
“People are trapped inside their homes, they’re worried, they’re scared, and they don’t know where to turn for accurate information about Hunter Biden,” Hannity said. “We’re here to fill that need.”
Giuliani said that the three-part series was necessary because “the deep state” had limited Americans’ access to essential Hunter Biden facts during the pandemic crisis.
“If you go on the C.D.C. Web site, you won’t find a single mention of Hunter Biden, Burisma, or CrowdStrike,” Giuliani said. “It’s a disgrace.”
In the first episode of the series, the Fox hosts will attempt to answer what Carlson called “the most important question on our viewers’ minds: Did Hunter Biden cause the coronavirus?”
“As of now, there is no evidence that Hunter Biden caused the coronavirus,” Carlson said. “However, there is also no evidence that he didn’t cause it. That’s the angle we’re going to be focussing on.”
Click here for one news article prompting this report.
3/17/20 Dr. Fauci Says He Has No Idea Who Locked Jared Kushner in Bathroom
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Dr. Anthony Fauci said on Tuesday that he had “no idea” who locked Jared Kushner in a White House bathroom.
Fielding a question at the daily briefing by the Coronavirus Task Force, the esteemed virologist said that it was most likely “a regrettable accident” that resulted in Donald J. Trump’s son-in-law being trapped in the bathroom for nine hours.
“Doors get locked by mistake all the time,” Fauci said.
When a reporter pointed out that the bathroom door had been locked from the outside with a padlock, Fauci replied, “Whoa. That’s a different kettle of fish. I had not heard that. Padlock? That’s crazy.”
Fauci urged the press not to “make too big a deal” of Kushner’s imprisonment in the bathroom, and noted that Vice-President Mike Pence eventually heard Kushner’s screams and came to his rescue.
Taking another question from reporters, Fauci said he had no idea who locked Representative Devin Nunes in the bathroom.
3/16/20 Trump Tests Negative For Empathy
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump has tested negative for empathy, the White House doctor confirmed on Monday.
In an official statement, Dr. Sean Conley said that Trump submitted to the empathy test even though, in the physician’s opinion, “it was not really necessary.”
“I expected him to test negative,” Conley said. “Empathy-wise, he has been entirely asymptomatic.”
The White House doctor attributed Trump’s empathy-free status to his established practice of social distancing from anyone showing even the faintest sign of compassion, kindness, or humanity.
“At the first indication that someone is about to open his or her mouth to emit an expression of concern for others, he is careful to move as far away from that person as possible,” the physician said.
Instead, Conley said, Trump has been spending time exclusively with people who have also tested negative for empathy, such as Stephen Miller, Mitch McConnell, and all of the adult Trump children except Tiffany.
Click here for one news article prompting this report.
3/13/20 Dr. Anthony Fauci Changes Trump’s Twitter Password
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling his action “in the interest of public health,” Dr. Anthony Fauci changed Donald J. Trump’s Twitter password on Friday.
“This is something I’ve wanted to do for weeks,” Fauci told reporters. “I was just waiting for the right opportunity.”
During the daily meeting of the coronavirus task force, the esteemed virologist noticed that, while Trump launched into an extended rant about former Vice-President Joe Biden, he left his phone unattended on the conference-room table.
Springing into action, Fauci surreptitiously took custody of Trump’s phone and changed his Twitter password in a matter of seconds.
“I’d never hacked into a Twitter account before,” he said. “My heart was beating like a rabbit’s.”
Fauci said that there was “little to no chance” of Trump being able to guess his new password. “I used a polysyllabic word,” Fauci said.
3/12/20 Nation Baffled That Former Reality-Show Host Not Prepared for This
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans are mystified that a former reality-show host is not prepared for this, Americans confirmed on Thursday.
In interviews across the country, individuals expressed shock and bafflement that the vast skill-set necessary to headline a prime-time entertainment program would somehow not be adequate to address a global pandemic.
Harland Dorrinson, a resident of Lexington, Kentucky, said, “On his TV show, he sat in a big leather chair and barked lines of dialogue that other people had written for him. I assumed that that experience would come in handy if he ever had to manage an intricate and daunting public-health emergency.”
Tracy Klugian, of Akron, Ohio, was equally puzzled. “When I first heard about the coronavirus, I thought, O.K., here’s his chance to draw on all his years of being an empty vessel for TV producers,” he said. “What went wrong?”
Daniela Kartpin, of Minneapolis, said that the reality-show host’s handling of the pandemic had left her shaken. “I always thought that if the country ever faced an existential threat, the best person to grapple with it would be someone who had abused celebrities for our entertainment,” she said. “This whole thing is starting to make me wonder.”
3/9/20 Betsy DeVos Says She Was Planning to Close All Schools Anyway
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As an increasing number of schools and universities closed down because of the coronavirus outbreak, the Education Secretary, Betsy DeVos, revealed on Monday that she had been planning for years to close every school in the country anyway.
Speaking to reporters in Washington, DeVos said, “When I took over as Education Secretary, I came with a simple mission: to shut down all of the nation’s schools. It turns out that I was just ahead of my time.”
Noting that schools are where students learn math, science, and history, DeVos said, “I have long believed that schools are where all the bad things happen.”
Deciding to “wipe out the scourge of education once and for all,” DeVos said that, within days of taking office, she drew up an ambitious plan called No School Left Open.
In a reassuring message to the nation’s parents and students, DeVos said, “Amid the current crisis, many of you are wondering how we will close every American school overnight. Let me just say that this is the job Betsy DeVos was born to do.
3/9/20 Cruise-Ship Passengers Demand to Be Housed at Mar-a-Lago
OAKLAND (The Borowitz Report)—Irate passengers who have been stranded onboard the Grand Princess cruise ship are demanding to be housed at Mar-a-Lago, the passengers confirmed on Monday.
Frustrated by the Trump Administration’s delay in devising a plan to enable them to disembark, the nearly three thousand coronavirus-exposed passengers said that it was “only fair” that Trump welcome them to his Palm Beach home.
“Donald Trump keeps on saying that he’s not worried about coronavirus,” the passengers’ spokesman said. “Then he shouldn’t object to three thousand of us living with him.”
The passengers said that they were looking forward to the Mar-a-Lago life style, which includes golf, swimming, and listening in on national-security secrets in the main dining room.
At the White House, Trump said that, if the Grand Princess passengers are transferred to Mar-a-Lago, they should stay as far away from him as possible, “like Melania does when she’s down there.”
The coronavirus crisis deepened on Sunday after a man who showed signs of lethargy, drooping eyelids, and other flu-like symptoms turned out to be the Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, Ben Carson.
3/6/20 Susan Collins Unable to Decide Whether to Wash Hands
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Senator Susan Collins, of Maine, has not decided whether she will wash her hands in response to the coronavirus outbreak, Collins confirmed on Friday.
Speaking to reporters at the Capitol, Collins said that she was “deeply troubled” by the behavior of the covid-19 virus.
“The behavior of the coronavirus is, to me, profoundly disturbing,” she said. “Whether it rises to the level of something I should respond to by washing my hands is a question I am devoting a great deal of thought to right now.”
Collins said that she had set “no timetable” for deciding whether to wash her hands, stressing that it was a decision “I do not take lightly.”
As of press time, Collins was spotted standing outside a Senate washroom, seemingly immobilized.
Click here for one news article prompting this report.
3/5/20 Washington, D.C., Man Linked to Community Spread of Coronavirus Misinformation
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A resident of Washington, D.C., has been identified as the source of the community spread of coronavirus misinformation throughout the United States.
Officials at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said on Thursday that the man had ignored the advice of public-health experts and spewed a toxic strain of ignorance, potentially infecting millions.
The man, believed to be a fact-resistant organism, travelled last week to South Carolina, where he came in contact with thousands of people who, as a result of community spread, now believe that coronavirus is a hoax.
The epidemic of cluelessness expanded last night, when the man called in to a Fox News television program to encourage people with coronavirus to go to work rather than stay at home, as scientists have urged.
A C.D.C. spokesperson in Atlanta said there are steps that the public can take to avoid becoming infected by the man’s noxious contagion of falsehoods.
“According to the data we have, the most virulent misinformation is transmitted via this man’s oral cavity,” the spokesperson said. “If you turn on your TV and see him open his mouth, move as far away as possible.”
3/4/20 Trump Screams at Pence for Not Praying Hard Enough to Make Biden Lose
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A harrowing scene unfolded at the White House on Tuesday night as Donald Trump screamed at Mike Pence for “not praying hard enough” to make Joe Biden lose the Super Tuesday primary contests, sources said.
Witnesses to the vituperative dressing-down of the Vice-President reported that the evening started badly after Trump saw the returns from Virginia, which Biden won handily.
“Mike, you were supposed to tell God to make Sleepy Joe lose,” Trump snapped. “A lot of good your ‘praying’ did.”
Trump’s tirade against Pence grew in ferocity after Biden romped to victory in state after state, a string of victories that Trump blamed squarely on Pence’s inadequate praying efforts.
“They’re still voting in California,” Trump barked at Pence around midnight. “Get down on your knees and get to work, you loser.”
According to White House sources, Trump’s insistence that Pence pray for Biden’s failure has pushed the Vice-President “to the breaking point.”
“He’s already spending hours every day praying for the stock market to go up,” one source said.
3/2/20 TULSI GABBARD’S NINE SUPPORTERS URGE HER TO DROP OUT OF RACE
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Representative Tulsi Gabbard (D-Hawaii) is under intense pressure to drop out of the 2020 race for the Democratic Presidential nomination, her nine supporters announced on Monday.
The announcement from Gabbard’s nine followers surprised many Democrats, who had been unaware that the Hawaii congresswoman was still running.
In a conference call after the South Carolina primary, the nine members of Team Tulsi concluded that Gabbard’s path to the nomination had grown “dauntingly narrow.”
“We believe that Tulsi would be an amazing President of the United States,” Harland Dorrinson, a spokesman for the other eight Gabbard supporters, said. “But we have regretfully come to the conclusion that this is not her time.”
Dorrinson had nothing but praise for the way Gabbard had conducted her campaign, noting, “By not appearing in the past two debates, she did much better than Mike Bloomberg.”
Reached at her office in Washington, a defiant Gabbard said that she was “in it to win it” and that she still had the strong support of her imaginary friends.
2/28/20 C.D.C. DIRECTOR SAYS CORONAVIRUS EFFORT COULD BE HELPED BY QUARANTINING PENCE
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said on Friday that significant progress in battling the coronavirus could be achieved by quarantining Mike Pence.
Speaking to lawmakers on Capitol Hill, the C.D.C. director said that, given Pence’s record as a science denier who mishandled an aids outbreak while he was the governor of Indiana, an immediate quarantine of the Vice-President was “an essential first step.”
“Mike Pence should be sealed off in a secure area, where he will have no access to a phone or computer,” the director said. “That will go a long way toward containing the harm he might otherwise cause.”
The C.D.C. chief added that there were a number of places ideal for quarantining Pence, all of them in Antarctica.
Shortly after the C.D.C. director’s testimony, Pence forcefully took issue with the assessment. “The threat I pose to the nation has been wildly overstated, and I do not know how to use a computer,” he said.
Click here for one news article prompting this report.
2/26/20 TRUMP PLANS TO DESTROY CORONAVIRUS WITH AN INCREDIBLY MEAN TWEET
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump said on Wednesday that he was planning to destroy the coronavirus by sending an “incredibly mean tweet” in its direction.
Speaking to reporters at the White House, Trump said that he was already in the process of crafting insults about the virus that would obliterate it once and for all.
In a preview of the mean tweet he is devising, Trump said, “The thing about the virus is it’s incredibly small. It’s smaller than Mike Bloomberg. Once I point that out, the coronavirus won’t know what hit it.”
He added that he was also in the process of coming up with an insulting nickname for the virus.
“It’s going to be something about how small it is,” Trump said. “Something like Lil’ Micro Mini Virus. I’m still working on it, but it’s going to be so mean. You won’t believe how mean it’s going to be.”
Trump was dismissive of the scientists who have raised dire concerns about the virus in recent days. “These so-called experts are the same people who said I needed sunglasses to stare at the eclipse,” he said.
Click here for one news article prompting this report.
2/25/20 RUTH BADER GINSBURG SAYS TRUMP SHOULD RECUSE HIMSELF FROM ALL DECISIONS INVOLVING THE FUTURE OF THE COUNTRY
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Asserting that his personal interests put him in direct conflict with the interests of the United States of America, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has demanded that Donald Trump recuse himself from all decisions involving the future of the U.S.
Speaking from her office at the Supreme Court, Ginsburg said that Trump’s oft-stated allegiance to himself makes it impossible for him to render unbiased decisions on issues affecting people other than himself.
“Since the United States is populated by three hundred and thirty-one million people who are not him, any decision regarding their fates would, by definition, ensnare Trump in an insoluble conflict of interest,” she said.
Ginsburg enumerated a list of issues about which Trump should immediately recuse himself, including immigration, trade, taxes, the social safety net, women’s reproductive rights, health care, the economy, the military, the environment, “and any other issues related to domestic or foreign policy not listed above.”
Ginsburg stressed, however, that, even after recusing himself from those matters, Trump would still be allowed to weigh in on other important decisions, like “what to eat and which channel to watch.”
2/19/20 MEXICO TIGHTENS BORDER AFTER TRUMP PARDONS WHITE-COLLAR CRIMINALS
MEXICO CITY (The Borowitz Report)—The government of Mexico announced that it was tightening its border with the United States “effective immediately” after Donald Trump pardoned a host of white-collar criminals on Tuesday.
Speaking to reporters, the President of Mexico, Andrés Manuel López Obrador, said that Mexican border agents were on alert to prevent any recipients of Trump’s pardons from crossing into their country.
“They’re bringing bribery, they’re bringing tax evasion, they’re bringing racketeering,” Obrador said. “I wish I could say that some of them were good people, but that does not appear to be the case.”
Obrador said that border agents had been given “special instructions” to block the entry of Rod Blagojevich, the former governor of Illinois, whom he called “El Blago.”
“If El Blago enters our country, he will head straight to Mexico City and start trying to sell Senate seats,” Obrador said. “He is a dangerous man.”
Concluding his remarks, Obrador said that he had contacted Trump directly to warn him against sending the criminals to Mexico. “I told him to find places for them in his Cabinet,” he said.
2/18/20 BLOOMBERG ENRAGES TRUMP BY BUYING GREENLAND
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In an apparently successful attempt to get under the skin of Donald Trump, former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg has purchased Greenland from Denmark.
In an official statement released on Tuesday, the Prime Minister of Denmark, Mette Frederiksen, would not disclose the price that Bloomberg paid for Greenland but indicated that it was an “all-cash offer.”
“Mr. Bloomberg has a lot of money,” Frederiksen added.
News of Bloomberg’s purchase of Greenland reportedly infuriated Trump, who immediately ordered his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, to make an offer to buy the Faroe Islands from Denmark.
Within minutes, however, Denmark rebuffed Kushner’s bid. “We do not believe Donald Trump is capable of running the Faroe Islands,” Frederiksen said.
As for Bloomberg, his campaign released a brief statement about the historic purchase of the 836,330-square-mile landmass, saying only, “Mike gets it done.”
2/13/20 BILL BARR RUSHED TO WALTER REED MEDICAL CENTER AFTER REMOTE-CONTROL IMPLANT IN BRAIN FAILS
BETHESDA, Maryland (The Borowitz Report)—Attorney General William Barr was rushed to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center on Thursday afternoon after the remote-control implant in his brain briefly failed, the White House has confirmed.
White House aides first noticed signs of the implant’s malfunction during an interview Barr gave to ABC News, after which the Attorney General was immediately strapped to a gurney and transported to Walter Reed.
A team of surgeons was able to identify the problem with Barr’s implant after an examination revealed a “low-power issue,” a Walter Reed spokesperson said.
After the surgeons replaced the tiny battery in Barr’s implant, the Attorney General appeared to be recovering well and was able to speak to reporters at his bedside.
“Donald Trump is our greatest President,” he said, staring into the middle distance.
2/12/20 JUDGE SENTENCES ROGER STONE TO HOUSE ARREST IN SUSAN COLLINS’S HOME
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a decision that Donald Trump called “incredibly unfair,” Judge Amy Berman Jackson has sentenced Roger Stone to ten years of house arrest in the home of Senator Susan Collins, of Maine.
As part of the sentence, Senator Collins will be required to live under the same roof as Stone, in Bangor, and insure that he is properly fed, clothed, and exercised until 2030.
The sentence immediately drew howls of protest from Stone, who claimed that living with the ceaselessly waffling Collins would “send me over the edge.”
“Judge, can we revisit the whole prison idea?” Stone begged Jackson.
For her part, Collins said that she was unsure whether becoming Stone’s jailer was a good idea, adding that she would “need more time to think about it.”
Jackson said that Stone’s house arrest will not go into effect until after the 2020 election, at which point Collins is expected to be home on a permanent basis.
Borowitz Reports (SATIRE) are posted at NewYorker.com. The NewYorker allows non-subscribers to only view a TOTAL of 5 NewYorker articles per month, so I subscribed and began reformatting reports to plain text to email (blind-copy) to trusted friends who appreciate his humor. Click here to read individual reports I've posted all on one single webpage. Feel free to copy/paste the text of a report to others or on social media, but do NOT share my name, email or site.
2/10/20 PERSON WHO IS ALWAYS TROUBLED OR CONCERNED SHOULD GET DIFFERENT JOB, WORKPLACE EXPERTS SAY
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—An employee who regularly self-identifies as “troubled” or “concerned” would benefit from seeking a different job, leading workplace experts said on Monday.
Professor Davis Logsdon, the director of the University of Minnesota’s Workplace Health Institute, cited the case of a Maine woman who appeared to undergo a traumatic experience every time she was faced with a difficult decision at work.
“According to her own account, each decision followed an excruciating period of existential torment,” Logsdon said. “Any employee who finds decision-making this harrowing should clearly consider working somewhere else.”
Logsdon said that the woman’s frequent episodes of being troubled and/or concerned usually resulted in an unsatisfactory outcome.
“At the end of her nightmarish deliberation process, she lost the capacity for individual judgment,” he said. “She just went along with what everyone else in the office decided to do, regardless of the harm that such a decision might cause.”
Consequently, the researchers at the Workplace Health Institute concluded that any person who approaches his or her job with the levels of self-doubt and anxiety regularly exhibited by the Maine woman should find a new job that requires no decision-making whatsoever.
“In her current position, she is useless,” Logsdon said.
2/5/2020 TRUMP ACCUSES BUTTIGIEG OF SUSPICIOUS TRAVEL TO AFGHANISTAN
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the aftermath of Pete Buttigieg’s strong showing in the Iowa caucuses, Donald J. Trump accused the former South Bend, Indiana, mayor of engaging in “suspicious travel” to Afghanistan.
“People are saying that he went to Afghanistan for seven months in 2014,” Trump told the hosts of “Fox & Friends” in a phone call. “Seven months is a long time to be running around in a Muslim country full of terrorists, don’t you think?”
He added that Buttigieg reportedly had a gun with him while he was in Afghanistan, a fact that Trump said “sounds fishy to me.”
“Let’s see, you fly all the way to a Muslim country full of all of these terrorists who need guns, and you’re bringing a gun into a country like that?” Trump said. “Who was he planning to give that gun to?”
“I don’t know if he was part of some caliphate or just helping them out, but we ought to find out,” he said. “I have a call in to the President of Afghanistan.”
Trump said that his suspicions about Buttigieg’s “totally unexplained travel to Afghanistan” spiked when he saw a photo of the former mayor “dressed up in some kind of weird camouflage suit.”
“You have to see this picture—he’s all dressed up in camo or whatever, like he’s ready for some kind of battle,” Trump said. “You’ll never find a picture of me dressed like that.”
2/4/2020 FLORIDA OFFERS TO HELP IOWA COUNT VOTES
TALLAHASSEE, Florida (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the delay in the release of the Iowa caucus results “a threat to democracy,” the state of Florida has offered to help Iowa with the vote-counting process.
Harland Dorrinson, a spokesman for Florida’s official electoral commission, said on Tuesday morning that “Florida stands ready and willing to restore credibility to Iowa’s vote-tabulation procedures.”
Dorrinson added that Katherine Harris, Florida’s former secretary of state, was eager to “roll up her sleeves and clean up Iowa’s mess.”
“Just say the word, Iowa, and Katherine Harris will be on the next plane out,” he said.
For their part, Iowa Democratic Party officials said that they were already making great progress in counting the caucus results, and that early returns indicated that a white person had won.
1/30/20 EL CHAPO OUTRAGED THAT HIS TRIAL INCLUDED WITNESSES
FLORENCE, COLORADO (The Borowitz Report)—The convicted drug lord known as El Chapo said on Thursday that he was “outraged” his 2019 trial had included witnesses. He also revealed that he was demanding a new trial without them.
Speaking from ADX Florence, a maximum-security facility in Colorado, the former drug kingpin complained that his trial would have resulted in a speedy acquittal had it not been for the irritating presence of witnesses.
“If I had to point to one reason why I was convicted of all of those crimes, it would have to be witnesses,” he said. “Once the decision was made to include witnesses, things really went downhill for me.”
El Chapo said that, at the time of his trial, he had been totally unaware that it was possible to have a trial without any witnesses at all.
“I didn’t know that was a thing,” he said. “If someone had told me that you could have a witness-free trial, that’s the route I would have gone, for sure.”
The former criminal mastermind said that he was now actively seeking a new trial without witnesses because, in his opinion, “witnesses ruin everything.”
“For the good of the country, it’s time to move on,” he said.
1/27/20 TRUMP SAYS HE HAS NO INTENTION OF HAVING BOLTON’S BOOK READ ALOUD TO HIM
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump has “no intention whatsoever” of having John Bolton’s book read aloud to him, Trump confirmed on Monday.
Speaking to reporters at the White House, Trump said that his daughter, Ivanka Trump, had obtained a draft manuscript of the Bolton book and had offered to read it aloud to him “like she does with all of the other books,” Trump said.
“She reads the books to me slowly and stops when there’s a long word to tell me what it means,” Trump said. “But I told her that the Bolton book was the last book in the world that I wanted to hear.”
Trump acknowledged that Ivanka had previously read aloud to him other books that he had not enjoyed, such as “A Warning,” by Anonymous.
“That Anonymous guy has to be the worst writer,” he said. “After Ivanka read ten pages of that crap to me, I told her to throw the book across the room, and she did.”
Trump said that he hears “many books” a week, and that sometimes his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, takes turns with Ivanka reading them aloud to him.
“I’ve enjoyed hearing Sean Hannity’s books and Laura Ingraham’s books,” Trump said. “But John Bolton’s? Please. That’s the last book I want to hear when Ivanka and Jared tuck me in at night.”
1/24/20 TRUMP DEFENSE TEAM SCRAMBLING TO FIND EXAMPLE OF LAW TRUMP DID NOT BREAK
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Desperately trying to change the narrative after a week of damaging presentations, Donald J. Trump’s defense team is scrambling to find an example of one law that Trump did not break, sources confirmed on Friday.
In concert with two of Jeffrey Epstein’s most prominent defenders, Alan Dershowitz and Kenneth Starr, Trump’s personal attorney Jay Sekulow has been scouring federal, state, and municipal law books in the hopes of finding one statute that Trump, for whatever reason, did not violate.
“So far, no luck,” a source close to the defense team said.
If the attorneys do manage to find a law that Trump did not break, that information will be “locked down” in a secure server to which Trump himself will not have access.
“They’re trying to prevent the worst-case scenario, where Trump discovers there’s a law he hasn’t broken yet and immediately goes and breaks it,” the source said.
As the pressure on the defense team mounts, Dershowitz has privately expressed regret that he got involved with Trump’s case.
“O.J. was easier than this,” he was overheard muttering.
1/21/20 Susan Collins Takes Hours to Decide on Lunch Before Ordering Exactly What Mitch McConnell Is Having
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—On the first day of the impeachment trial in the United States Senate, Senator Susan Collins, a Republican of Maine, spent hours trying to decide what she would have for lunch before ultimately ordering exactly what Senator Mitch McConnell was having.
Clutching the Senate takeout menu in her hands, Collins told reporters mid-morning that the decision of what to have for lunch was a matter of serious consideration and that she wanted to review all of the available options before selecting one.
“I’m deeply troubled and concerned about getting this order right,” Collins said. “There are many valid choices on this menu and I don’t want to give any of them short shrift.”
Around 11 a.m., rumors swirled that Collins was leaning toward ordering a quinoa salad, a choice that would have set her apart from the rest of her Republican colleagues in the upper chamber.
By noon, however, Collins emerged from her office to tell reporters that she had ordered the exact same thing that the Senate Majority Leader had chosen, a roast beef sandwich on a roll.
“At the end of the day, there was just not enough evidence that ordering anything else would have been better,” she said.
According to sources, Collins spent the lunch hour eating her sandwich alone at her desk and trying to determine why everyone hates her.
1/16/20 Trump Stays Up All Night with Sharpie Crossing Out Lev Parnas in Photos with Him
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump pulled an all-nighter on Wednesday, using a Sharpie to cross out Lev Parnas from photos taken with him at hundreds of events.
Trump, his hands blackened by ink, started working his way through a mountainous stack of photos of him and Parnas at approximately 10 p.m., a White House source confirmed.
After more than an hour of obliterating Parnas, Trump reportedly barked at his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, to fetch Vice-President Mike Pence and Attorney General William Barr to assist with the Parnas deletions.
“Get Pence and Barr in here!” Trump reportedly thundered. “If I’m going down, they’re going down!”
According to the White House source, Pence and Barr appeared within minutes but were not joined by Representative Devin Nunes, who had barricaded himself inside his congressional office with a Sharpie and his phone logs.
Click here for one news article prompting this report.
1/14/20 Democrats Demand That Giuliani Be Trump’s Lawyer at Impeachment Trial
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Rudolph Giuliani’s offer to act as Donald J. Trump’s defense attorney at the President’s impeachment trial has received unanimous support from congressional Democrats, who are now demanding that he perform such a role.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer told reporters on Tuesday that Giuliani’s participation as Trump’s lawyer during his Senate trial was, as far as they were concerned, “nonnegotiable.”
“Rudy Giuliani has demonstrated over the past three years that he can represent the President as no one else can,” Pelosi said. “If he is not the President’s lawyer in the Senate, that would be a deal-breaker for me.”
Concurring with Pelosi, Schumer added, “My Democratic colleagues in the Senate are prepared to pay Mr. Giuliani’s hourly fees, in cash, to make this thing happen.”
Pelosi indicated that Democrats were now willing to back off their earlier demands for witnesses at the trial. “No witnesses,” she said. “Just Giuliani.”
Appearing on Fox News, Giuliani said that he was “a little surprised” by the Democrats’ enthusiastic support, adding, “Nancy Pelosi even offered to drive me to work every morning, which I thought was really nice.”
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell did not answer reporters’ questions about a possible role for Giuliani in the impeachment trial, nor would he confirm reports that he had given the Senate’s security desk a photo of Giuliani with instructions to bar his entry.
1/13/20 Poll: Americans Say They Will Vote for Bloomberg If That Makes Him Stop Airing Ads
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In a positive sign for the former New York mayor, a new poll indicates that an increasing number of Americans would vote for Michael Bloomberg if that would make him stop airing campaign ads.
The poll found that sixteen per cent of those surveyed were “somewhat likely” to vote for Bloomberg if that would convince him to stop airing ads, twenty-one per cent were “very likely” to do so for that reason, and a whopping thirty-three per cent “strongly agreed” with the statement “Seriously, I’ll do whatever he wants—please, just make them stop right now.”
By contrast, only eight per cent said that they would vote for Bloomberg’s fellow-billionaire Tom Steyer if that would make Steyer stop airing his ads.
At Bloomberg campaign headquarters, in New York, the campaign’s chief strategist, Harland Dorrinson, said that the poll numbers made it clear that “Mike’s ads are having exactly their desired effect.”
“If this many people are willing to vote for Mike to make him stop airing ads after he’s spent only two hundred million, imagine how many will vote to stop him after he spends another eight hundred million,” Dorrinson crowed.
In a new Bloomberg ad airing this week, the candidate addresses the viewer directly, stating, “Hi, I’m Mike Bloomberg. Do you want to see more of these ads? The choice is yours,” before the screen abruptly goes black.
1/8/20 Trump Furious at Iran for Distracting People from Impeachment for Only Two Days
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump is “incredibly angry” at Iran for taking the American people’s attention away from his impeachment for only about two days, Trump told reporters on Wednesday.
“When I did that drone strike, I was under the impression that it would knock impeachment out of the news for at least a month,” a visibly enraged Trump said. “Instead, it’s Wednesday and we’re back to this Pelosi garbage.”
Trump said that he had hoped that Iranians would react to his provocation in a way that might have forced Democrats to forget about impeaching him altogether, but “all I got for my trouble was a chickenshit couple of days.”
“Honestly, Iran reacted like it was Belgium or something,” Trump said.
Trump said that he was unlikely to attack Iran again “if this is the thanks I get,” and wondered if attacking a different country might have resulted in a more substantial distraction from his impeachment.
“Should I have attacked North Korea?” he said. “Frankly, I don’t know who to trust anymore.”
Borowitz Report (Satire) posted 1/6/20 10:54 EST (He's Back!) Happy New Year!
1/6/20 Ayatollah Mystified That He Is the Only Dictator Trump Dislikes
TEHRAN (The Borowitz Report)—Iran’s Supreme Leader, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei, is “completely baffled” as to why he appears to be the only dictator whom Donald J. Trump does not like, the autocrat said on Monday.
Speaking to reporters in Tehran, the long-reigning tyrant expressed puzzlement and dismay that Trump had not given him the adulation that he has showered on seemingly every other totalitarian in the world.
“Trump loves Vladimir Putin and Mohammed bin Salman, and he’s even given Kim Jong Un a cute nickname, but, for some mysterious reason, I leave him cold,” the visibly saddened Ayatollah said. “I just don’t get it.”
Khamenei initially tried not to take Trump’s distaste for him personally, he said, “but when it became clear that he liked even second-tier strongmen like Recep Tayyip Erdoğan, of Turkey, and Rodrigo Duterte, of the Philippines, I’d be lying if I said it didn’t hurt.”
One possible reason Trump might dislike him, the Ayatollah theorized, is that “he just doesn’t realize how repressive I am.”
“If he did his homework, he’d see that I trample press freedoms, shred basic human rights, and persecute political opponents,” he said. “In terms of the things that are important to him, I really check all the boxes.”
12/18/19 Andrew Johnson Horrified That History Books Will Mention Him in Same Sentence as Trump
THE AFTERLIFE (The Borowitz Report)—In a rare public statement from beyond the grave, Andrew Johnson, the seventeenth President of the United States, said that he was “horrified” that history books will now mention him in the same sentence as Donald J. Trump.
Making his first utterance since he died, in 1875, the spectral Johnson said, “As someone who has actually experienced death, I can safely say that being mentioned in the same breath as Trump is a fate worse than that.”
“I could deal with history remembering me as the first U.S. President to be impeached,” he said. “But knowing that I will now appear in the first line of Trump’s obituary is, to put it mildly, devastating.”
“What have I done to deserve this?” Johnson asked.
Although being linked with Trump for eternity was “something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy,” Johnson conceded that there was a silver lining to Trump’s Presidency.
“Finally, I’m no longer considered the worst President in history,” he said.
12/12/19 Trump Named Person of the Year by Popular Sociopath Magazine
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—For the third year in a row, Donald J. Trump has been named Person of the Year by the magazine Popular Sociopath, the publication announced on Thursday.
“Once a year, we at Popular Sociopath recognize the person who best epitomizes sociopathic-personality disorder, which manifests in antisocial behavior and a total absence of conscience and concern for others,” Harland Dorrinson, the magazine’s editor, said. “We are delighted to bestow this honor, once again, on Donald J. Trump.”
Dorrinson said that Trump bested a daunting roster of competitors for the title, including the Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell; the Fox News host Tucker Carlson; and Trump’s own son Donald J. Trump, Jr.
“Honestly, though, it wasn’t close,” the editor said.
When asked if he had reached out to his son since surpassing him for the magazine’s honor, Trump told reporters, “Why would I do that? I don’t care what he thinks or feels. This is all about me. What a stupid question. You’re worthless.”
12/10/19 Giuliani Kidnapped by Ukrainian Circus
KYIV (The Borowitz Report)—While on a mission to Ukraine to acquire information about the business dealings of Hunter Biden, Rudy Giuliani was kidnapped by a travelling Ukrainian circus, Giuliani confirmed on Tuesday.
“It was the strangest thing,” he told reporters. “I was on a street corner talking to some people about the Bidens, and these guys came up to me and said, ‘Come with us.’ I thought they were taking me to a cable-news studio.”
Where they were taking him, it turned out, was the Krychevsky Wonder Show, a popular family-owned circus that has been travelling around Ukraine since 1873.
“We saw this guy acting entirely bizarre, and we decided we had to have him in our circus,” Oleh Krychevsky, its current proprietor, said. “It’s hard to find a sideshow attraction with that much potential.”
For two days, Giuliani filled a giant tent at Krychevsky’s, regaling audiences with tales of CrowdStrike, Burisma, and a person named Alexandra Chalupa. But soon his relationship with the circus soured.
“Even after the crowds went home, and we were all ready for bed, he wouldn’t stop talking,” Krychevsky, who ultimately fired Giuliani from the circus, said. “He is exhausting.”
Only after Giuliani’s tenure with the circus was over did Krychevsky learn the man’s true identity. “I was told he was the former mayor of New York,” he said. “I still find that impossible to believe.”
12/3/19 NATO Leaders Challenge Trump to Spell NATO
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—This year’s summit of the North Atlantic Treaty Organization began on a discordant note, on Tuesday, after the other twenty-eight nato leaders challenged Donald Trump to spell nato.
At a preliminary gathering of the leaders, Trump demanded that the other member nations increase their cash contributions to the alliance, prompting Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor, to issue the unexpected and unwelcome spelling challenge.
“We’ll be happy to give more to nato, Mr. President, if you can spell nato,” she said, drawing raucous applause from the other leaders.
Handing Trump a pencil and a yellow legal pad, Merkel watched as he struggled to spell the word correctly, crumpling page after page in the effort.
After several failed attempts, Trump finally offered up a drawing of several stick figures standing in a row and asked for “partial credit.”
When the other nato leaders rejected his request by a 28–0 voice vote, Trump stormed out of the room, vowing never to return.
In a joint communiqué, the nato leaders said that they were looking forward to spending the rest of the summit watching the impeachment hearings.
11/25/19 Giuliani Claims He Has Evidence Linking Biden to Obama
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what could be his most explosive allegation to date, Rudolph Giuliani claimed on Monday that he had “mountains of evidence” linking the Democratic Presidential candidate Joe Biden to former President Barack Obama.
Appearing on “Fox & Friends,” a visibly excited Giuliani said that he had stored the evidence of the Biden-Obama ties in his office safe and was prepared to reveal it “at the proper time.”
“This isn’t a case of the two men sharing an occasional phone call or meeting,” Giuliani charged. “For eight years, they were basically joined at the hip.”
Giuliani argued that Obama and Biden had a “secret understanding” that, if anything happened to Obama, “You know who would take his place? That’s right: Joe Biden.”
Their corrupt deal enabled Biden to “feast at the teat” of the federal government, the former New York mayor said. “Biden took military aircraft around the world and got free housing in Washington, all with the seal of approval of his best pal, Barack Obama,” he said.
In his most serious allegation, Giuliani said that all of these “lush perks” amounted to a “payoff” for nefarious services that Biden had rendered to Obama.
“In both 2008 and 2012, Joe Biden meddled in the U.S. elections to benefit none other than—you guessed it—Barack Obama,” Giuliani said. “Talk about a quid pro quo.”
11/22/19 Devin Nunes Accuses Witnesses of Misleading American People with Facts
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what some observers called his most sarcastic opening statement of the impeachment inquiry, Representative Devin Nunes, on Thursday, accused witnesses of trying to mislead the American people with facts.
“From the beginning of these proceedings, the Democrats’ witnesses have offered facts, more facts, and nothing but facts,” Nunes said. “I, for one, have had enough of their factual games.”
Ramping up his attack, he accused the civil servants who have testified of having “an almost cult-like worship of verifiable information.”
“ ‘Step right up,’ these witnesses seem to be saying,” Nunes added. “ ‘The fact circus is in town.’ ”
Nunes, however, warned his Democratic colleagues that “the American people won’t be fooled by your relentless account of things that actually happened.”
“When the American people see the Democrats building this massive, sky-high tower of facts, they have to ask themselves: Is that all you’ve got?” he said.
11/20/19 Trump Accuses Vindman of Becoming a War Hero Just to Make Him Look Bad
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Moments after the decorated veteran testified to Congress on Tuesday, Donald Trump accused Lieutenant Colonel Alexander Vindman of becoming a war hero “just to make me look bad.”
In a vicious broadside on Twitter, Trump claimed that Vindman carried out an “evil plan, years in the making” to “load himself up with medals” that would give his future testimony against Trump greater credibility.
“Fifteen years ago, he went to fight in Iraq, thinking to himself, ‘Boy, this is going to help me when I try to attack Trump someday,’ ” Trump tweeted. “This is how the Never Trumpers roll.”
When Vindman earned a Purple Heart, Trump wrote, “His scheme to attack me personally really started coming together.”
Trump contrasted Vindman, whom he called a “disgraceful showboat,” unfavorably with Representative Devin Nunes, whom he labelled “a great American.”
“Say what you will about Devin Nunes, he’ll never go and do something heroic,” Trump tweeted.
Click here to enjoy watching a clever, hilarious song performed on the Late Show called NYC Bids Adieu To Donald Trump.
Click here for one news article prompting this next report.11/18/19 Trump Warns Republicans That If They Vote to Impeach He Will Campaign for Them Like He Did in Louisiana
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Delivering an ominous threat to members of his own party, Donald J. Trump warned congressional Republicans on Monday that if they vote for impeachment he would come to their states and campaign for their reëlection.
In a series of intimidating, early-morning tweets, Trump made it clear that if Republicans wobble on impeachment, “I will hold rallies in your state and support you with everything I’ve got.”
Making it clear that his threat was far from hollow, Trump tweeted an image of a “Keep America Great” banner and warned, “I used these in Louisiana and Kentucky. Don’t think I won’t use them in your state!”
Trump’s threat to campaign enthusiastically for disloyal Republicans had an immediate impact on Monday, as several G.O.P. congresspeople who had previously called the President’s actions toward Ukraine “troubling” revised their assessment to “probably no big deal, now that I think about it.”
11/15/19 “Everywhere She Went Turned Bad,” Says Man with Six Bankruptcies
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a blistering tweet on Friday, the former U.S. Ambassador to Ukraine, Marie Yovanovitch, was accused of leaving a trail of destruction by a man with six bankruptcies and multiple business failures.
“Everywhere Marie Yovanovitch went turned bad,” wrote the man, who ran the now defunct United States Football League into the ground and paid twenty-five million dollars to settle fraud charges against a fake university bearing his name.
“She started off in Somalia, how did that go?” tweeted the man, whose lengthy roster of bankruptcies includes the Trump Taj Mahal (1991), Trump Plaza Hotel and Casino (1992), the Plaza Hotel (1992), Trump Castle Hotel and Casino (1992), Trump Hotels & Casino Resorts (2004), and Trump Entertainment Resorts (2009).
“Then fast forward to Ukraine, where the new Ukrainian President spoke unfavorably about her,” continued the man, who founded such business fiascoes as the Trump Shuttle airline, Trump Vodka, and Trump Steaks.
At the House of Representatives, Representative Devin Nunes vigorously defended the man’s controversial tweets. “He is calling out someone for creating disasters everywhere she goes, and no one is more qualified to talk about that than he is,” Nunes said.
11/11/19 Republicans Demand That Everyone in Witness-Protection Program Appear on National TV
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that “enough is enough,” congressional Republicans demanded on Monday that the thousands of people in the nation’s witness-protection program be required to appear on national television.
“What kind of a country protects someone’s identity just because they were instrumental in bringing a criminal to justice?” Representative Jim Jordan, of Ohio, asked. “I don’t want to live in a country like that.”
Representative Devin Nunes, of California, concurred. “Anonymity is all well and good, but we should be able to look at these people and know their names,” he said.
At the United States Senate, Lindsey Graham told reporters that “it’s time for people in the witness-protection program to put up or shut up.”
“I want these people to go on TV and say what they have to say, and then I fully intend not to listen to them,” the senator said.
Click here for one news article prompting this next report.
11/8/19 Bloomberg Offers Trump Ten Billion Dollars to Leave White House by End of Day
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—The former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg upended the 2020 Presidential race on Friday by offering Donald J. Trump ten billion dollars to leave the White House by the end of the day.
“I will deposit ten billion dollars into your account in Moscow, Riyadh, or wherever you do your banking these days,” Bloomberg announced. “All you have to do is go.”
In addition to the ten-billion-dollar offer, Bloomberg told Trump that he would cover the moving expenses of Ivanka Trump, Jared Kushner, Kellyanne Conway, and any other associates “that you haven’t already gotten rid of.”
On Capitol Hill, congressional Democrats expressed sadness that Bloomberg’s offer, if successful, would eliminate the need for impeachment, which many of them had been looking forward to.
But Representative Adam Schiff of California struck a more philosophical note. “If ten billion dollars gets rid of Donald Trump, that’s a quid pro quo I’m okay with,” he said.
11/6/19 High Turnout of Smart Voters in Kentucky Terrifies Rand Paul
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Surprisingly high turnout among smart voters in Kentucky on Tuesday has left Senator Rand Paul “terrified and shattered,” one of Paul’s aides has revealed.
As the election returns came in Tuesday night, it became clear that intelligent voters, who had never played a prominent role in any of Senator Paul’s electoral contests, were making their feelings known in unprecedented numbers.
“What we were seeing was huge participation by voters who apparently both consume and comprehend verifiable facts,” the senator’s aide said. “As far as Rand Paul is concerned, this is the doomsday scenario.”
As the night wore on, the aide said, Paul stared at the Kentucky election returns on TV in a near-catatonic state, finally moaning, “Where are all of these smart people coming from, damn it?”
The aide cautioned that it remains to be seen whether the heavy turnout of sentient Kentucky voters is a one-off fluke, but, if it turns out to be a lasting trend, “Rand Paul is going to have to find a dumber state.”
11/4/19 Trump Accuses Whistle-Blower of Working for United States
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Escalating his war of words against the person who sparked the impeachment inquiry, Donald J. Trump on Monday accused the whistle-blower of working for the United States of America.
Speaking to reporters at the White House, Trump said that he had evidence “directly linking” the whistle-blower to the United States government.
“This is the biggest witch hunt in the history of witches or hunts, and it was all started by someone who was in the pay of the United States,” Trump said. “It’s a disgrace.”
Expanding his attack, Trump accused his principal congressional nemeses, Representative Adam Schiff and Representative Nancy Pelosi, of being “card-carrying employees of the United States.”
“Follow the money,” he said. “Shifty Adam Schiff is cashing United States government checks every single week.”
Trump said that he was confident that his supporters would “see the impeachment inquiry for what it is: a conspiracy by people working on behalf of a country.”
“What it comes down to is, who are you going to trust, somebody who is working for the United States, or me?” he asked.
11/2/19 Trump Gets Note from Podiatrist Exempting Him from Impeachment
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a move that raised eyebrows in the nation’s capital, Donald Trump on Saturday secured a note from a podiatrist exempting him from impeachment.
The note, written by Trump’s personal podiatrist, Dr. Harland Dorrinson, said that the strain of undergoing impeachment could “catastrophically inflame” a foot malady that has bedevilled Trump since the nineteen-sixties.
While the doctor’s note drew howls of protests from congressional Democrats, the Attorney General, William Barr, supported excusing Trump from impeachment on humanitarian grounds.
“Given the seriousness of the President’s ailment, impeachment is cruel and unusual punishment and therefore unconstitutional,” Barr said, adding that the Department of Justice would investigate Representative Adam Schiff and the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, for “crimes against feet.”
Another prominent Republican, Senator Lindsey Graham, of South Carolina, vouched for the fragile state of Trump’s health. “I have spent many hours with President Trump,” Graham said. “He is not a well man.”
Click here for one news article prompting this next report.
10/28/19 Trump Claims World Series Fans Want to Lock Him Up in White House for Doing Excellent Job
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that he was “incredibly moved by their support,” Donald J. Trump said on Monday that fans at Game 5 of the World Series expressed their strong desire to see him locked up in the White House for doing such an excellent job as President.
“Out of nowhere, they just started chanting,” Trump told reporters at the White House. “They really want to see me locked up for another four years.”
Trump said that he was surprised by the passionate and urgent nature of the chanting directed toward him. “Despite all the things that the fake media has said about me, these people know what an amazing job I’ve done,” he said. “They really want to lock me up and never let me go.”
Noting that the Constitution allows a President to serve only two terms, Trump said, “That’s a real shame, because the way those people were chanting, I think they’d like to see me locked up for the rest of my life.”
He added that he hoped his archnemesis, former President Barack Obama, was watching the World Series on television to witness “the unbelievable support I got from that crowd.”
“Obama was President for eight years, and he never heard anyone chant ‘lock him up,’ ” Trump said. “What a loser.”
10/18/19 Trump Offers Freed ISIS Fighters a Group Rate at Trump Doral Resort
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a “once-in-a-lifetime incredible deal,” Donald Trump on Friday offered recently-escaped isis fighters a group rate at the Trump National Doral Miami.
“I am giving isis a group rate that entitles them to the full run of the golf course, the spa, you name it,” he said. “This is going to make the isis people very, very happy.”
The fighters can qualify for the group rate by presenting proof of isis membership and their recently freed status, Trump said.
Trump declined to say whether he would extend the same group rate to Kurdish fighters in Syria. “I’m not a fan of the Kurds,” he said. “Where were the Kurds in 1776 when George Washington took control of the British airports?”
Shortly after Trump made the offer to isis, however, the group’s leader, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, issued a lukewarm response.
“We’ve read some not-so-great things about the Doral on TripAdvisor,” Baghdadi said. “If we wanted to go to a golf resort, we’d pick one that doesn’t have bedbugs.”
10/17/19 The Life-Changing Magic of Impeaching Trump
Over the past five years, millions of Americans have ascended to a higher plane of fulfillment by tidying up their homes. By talking to our possessions, one by one, and asking if they spark joy, we have achieved a kind of contentment we never dreamed possible.
Now it’s time to tidy up a residence that belongs to all of us: the White House.
At first, this seems like a daunting task. After all, the White House has a hundred and thirty-two rooms. There is much culling to be done.
But there’s no reason to despair. Many useless things have already been hauled away. Reince Priebus, John Kelly, Steve Bannon, Kirstjen Nielsen, Michael Flynn, John Bolton, Sean Spicer, Hope Hicks, Sarah Huckabee Sanders—none of them sparked joy. And now they are all gone. And Anthony Scaramucci, who sparked joy as briefly as those paisley pants you immediately regretted buying at H&M—he is gone, too.
Clearly, though, more culling remains to be done.
We must look at Donald Trump and ask ourselves, “Does this spark joy?” And, although the answer to that question might be somewhat different in Russia, North Korea, and Turkey, the answer here is a resounding no.
Remember how, once you tidied up your dwelling, you discovered hidden treasures buried under all of those needless possessions? Well, once that garish orange thing that sparks no joy has been removed from the Oval Office, you’ll be amazed what you’ll find underneath. Things you forgot you even had, like democracy.
In this video on the NewYorker site (click to see if it's available to you), from last weekend’s New Yorker Festival, I speak about the happiness we can attain by decluttering the country of Trump. Much like Marie Kondo, the authors of the United States Constitution gave us a unique tool for improving our surroundings: impeachment. And the Twenty-fifth Amendment is pretty good, too.
10/15/19 Trump Accidentally Calls Biden Looking for Dirt on Biden
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest embarrassing communications slipup for the White House, Donald Trump called Joe Biden over the weekend looking for dirt on Joe Biden.
Reportedly, the phone call began with ten to fifteen minutes of pleasantries before Trump, who apparently did not realize he was speaking to the former Vice-President, asked Biden to investigate “Sleepy Joe and his crooked son, Sleazy Hunter.”
Understandably, Biden took umbrage at this request, and only then did it become clear to Trump that he had called the wrong person.
After Biden was unmasked, Trump was urged to quickly hang up by Mike Pompeo, Mike Pence, Bill Barr, Betsy DeVos, and a half-dozen other senior Administration officials who had been listening in on the call.
Later in the day, the White House press secretary, Stephanie Grisham, attempted to put the errant phone call in context by explaining that the former Vice-President’s phone number was “extremely similar” to that of Stevo Pendarovski, the President of North Macedonia.
On the lawn of the White House, Trump lashed out at those criticizing his call to Biden, arguing, “Other than the fact that I did not know who I was talking to, that phone call was perfect.”
10/11/19 Nation Shocked That Giuliani Has Associates
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After learning that two of Rudy Giuliani’s associates had been charged with federal campaign-finance crimes, millions of Americans expressed their stunned disbelief that Giuliani had associates.
“By ‘associates,’ do they mean people who actually associate with Giuliani?” Carol Foyler, who lives in St. Louis, said. “This whole story doesn’t add up.”
“I read that these quote-unquote associates of Giuliani’s were actually business associates,” Tracy Klugian, of Butte, Montana, said. “If that means he was paying them a lot of money to associate with him, that could explain everything.”
“It said on the news that these associates were foreign-born,” Kevin Lockdale, of Portland, Maine, said. “Maybe they don’t speak English too well and so they don’t realize that everything Giuliani says is batshit. I mean, I know I’m grasping at straws, but I’m trying to make sense of this whole associates thing.”
Harland Dorrinson, a clinical psychologist who has done a ten-year study on the social isolation of despised people, said that the existence of Giuliani’s two associates should give “hope to the detestable” everywhere. “Honestly, if Giuliani can have associates, anyone can,” he said.
10/10/19 Study: Millions of Taxpayer Dollars Could Be Saved by Impeaching Pence at Same Time
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—A nonpartisan study published by the University of Minnesota has found that the nation could save “untold millions” of taxpayer dollars by impeaching Mike Pence at the same time as Donald J. Trump.
The study, entitled “Operation bogo,” makes a compelling case for commencing an impeachment inquiry into Pence “as soon as possible,” its author, Davis Logsdon, said on Thursday.
“The cost of impeaching Trump alone or Trump and Pence together is virtually identical,” Logsdon, an economics professor, said. “This is all about economy of scale.”
“Taxpayers are already paying Adam Schiff to investigate Trump,” he added. “I’m fairly sure Schiff could be persuaded to throw in Pence for free.”
When it comes time to publish articles of impeachment against Trump, Logsdon noted, “It would cost almost nothing in terms of paper or ink cartridges to add the words ‘and Pence, too.’ ”
In the eventuality that Trump and Pence are removed from office simultaneously, additional cost savings could be achieved, Logsdon added. “They could share the same moving van,” he said.
In conclusion, the University of Minnesota study proposed that the millions saved by impeaching Pence at the same time as Trump could be spent on schools, roads, and paying down the national debt. “The question is no longer ‘Should we impeach Mike Pence?’ ” Logsdon said. “The question is ‘How can we afford not to?’ ”
10/6/19 Trump Sees New Polls and Orders Ukraine to Investigate Elizabeth Warren
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After looking at the most recent polls for the Democratic Presidential race, Donald J. Trump has ordered the President of Ukraine, Volodymyr Zelensky, to investigate Senator Elizabeth Warren.
“What Elizabeth Warren and her crooked kids have been doing in Ukraine is a disgrace,” Trump told reporters on the White House lawn. “This is maybe the biggest scandal in the history of our country.”
After Jim Acosta, of CNN, pointed out that there had been no reports of any involvement in Ukraine on the part of either Warren or her children, Trump responded, “You bet there’s been no reporting, because you people are even more crooked than she is.”
Trump brushed aside an official statement by the Ukrainian government indicating that Warren’s children had never set foot in the country. “That is because the Warren kids are basically spies, and everyone knows that spies are invisible,” he said. “You people are so dumb.”
Concluding his remarks, Trump said that he would wait for the results of the Iowa caucuses before urging Ukraine to investigate Pete Buttigieg, the mayor of South Bend, Indiana.
10/4/19 Democrats Beg Trump to Stop Impeaching Himself So They Have Something to Do
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unexpected twist in the impeachment drama engulfing Washington, leading congressional Democrats have begged Donald Trump to stop impeaching himself so that they have something to do.
In a press conference on Friday morning, Representative Adam Schiff, the chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, and Nancy Pelosi, the Speaker of the House, both implored Trump to stop relentlessly spewing impeachable offenses, complaining that this practice was rendering their jobs irrelevant.
“Mr. President, as much as we appreciate your help, please, stop doing our work for us,” Pelosi said. “Give us a reason to get up in the morning and go to the office.”
“I know that you’re in no mood to do me a favor, Mr. President, but hear me out,” Schiff added. “I’m trained as a prosecutor. My entire life has been building to a case like your impeachment. But if you persist in impeaching yourself on an almost hourly basis, that really wrecks the challenge for me.”
Just minutes after the Democrats’ press conference, Trump appeared to turn a deaf ear to their entreaties, as he publicly asked the nations of Belgium, Turkmenistan, Malta, and Peru to dig up dirt on Joe Biden.
Click here for one news article prompting this next report.
10/3/19 Kim Jong Un Told Trump He Was Too Busy Developing Ballistic Missiles to Help Him with Biden Thing
PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump asked Kim Jong Un to help dig up dirt on Joe Biden, but Kim said that he was “too busy developing ballistic missiles” to do so, the North Korean dictator confirmed on Thursday.
“I remember getting a call from him about the Biden thing, I want to say in August,” Kim told reporters. “And I was, like, ‘I am super busy developing a new generation of ballistic missiles right now.’ ”
Kim said that he recalled Trump being “very understanding” and saying that he would “try some other countries.”
Although the conversation was apparently pleasant, the North Korean leader remembered thinking that Trump’s request for dirt on Joe Biden was “kind of weird.”
“I said to him, ‘Are you sure you should be calling foreign leaders for this kind of thing?’ ” Kim recalled. “ ‘Have you really thought this through?’ ”
10/2/19 Eric Trump Accuses Don, Jr., of Being Whistle-Blower in Bid to Get Him Cut Out of Will
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what insiders are calling an audacious move to get his older brother cut out of their father’s will, Eric Trump has accused Donald Trump, Jr., of being the whistle-blower.
According to White House sources, Eric marched into the Oval Office on Wednesday morning and announced to his father, “You can stop wondering who this quote-unquote whistle-blower is. It’s Don.”
Reportedly, no sooner had the young Trump made the startling accusation than Don, Jr., himself burst into the room, turning the tables on his sibling by claiming that Eric, and not he, was the actual whistle-blower.
Within seconds, the Trump brothers were viciously wrestling on the Oval Office carpet, while their father looked on, seemingly pleased by the spectacle.
Later in the day, the White House press secretary, Stephanie Grisham, issued a statement in the hopes of defusing this latest controversy. “A forensic analysis of the whistle-blower’s complaint reveals that it was written entirely in complete sentences, thus eliminating both Trump boys as its author,” she said.
9/30/19 Trump Says If There Is Another Civil War He Will Get a New Note from Podiatrist
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Shortly after tweeting that his impeachment could result in a civil war, Donald J. Trump clarified that, in the event of such a war, he would seek a new note from his podiatrist.
Trump issued the clarification after military advisers cautioned him that, after starting a civil war, he might reasonably be expected to participate in it.
Speaking to reporters on the White House lawn, Trump said, “Much as I would like to fight in a civil war, my very serious foot condition would keep me from doing that.”
Trump said that, although every other part of him was “extremely young and vibrant,” his feet “are in no condition to fight.”
He added, however, that the country should “think very carefully” before engaging in a civil war. “It would be very sad for the United States to have a civil war for the first time in its history,” he said.
Below is the first report put out earlier in the morning.
9/30/19 Mitch McConnell Announces Senate Will Close Until 2021 for Repainting
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a move that raised eyebrows in the nation’s capital, the Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, announced on Monday that the United States Senate would be closed until the year 2021, “for repainting.”
Calling the current state of the Senate’s paint job “a national disgrace,” McConnell said that repainting the Senate was “the most urgent problem facing our democracy today.”
“The Democrats can waste their time with all their usual hijinks and tomfoolery, but I cannot stand idly by and watch the walls of this hallowed chamber grow dingy and chipped,” McConnell said.
The Kentucky Republican said that he had not yet selected the shade of white to be used to repaint the Senate, but aides indicated that he had narrowed the choices to Ivory, Seashell, and Mascarpone.
Although the proposed paint job would require the Senate to be on recess for the next fifteen months, McConnell could not guarantee that that would give Republican senators enough time to read the whistle-blower’s complaint.
9/27/19 Obama to Produce Netflix Series About Trump’s Impeachment
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama has inked a ninety-million-dollar deal to produce a Netflix series about Donald J. Trump’s impeachment, Netflix confirmed on Friday.
Production on the series could begin as early as October, in Washington and Kiev, Obama told reporters.
“We’ve already hit the ground running on the script,” Obama said. “Rudy Giuliani has given us a lot to work from.”
Obama said that casting for the roles of Trump and Mike Pence had already begun. “Pence has a much bigger role in this than you might think,” he added.
The former President acknowledged, however, that dramatizing the story of the Trump impeachment was not without challenges. “Right now, the main character reveals the smoking gun himself in the first episode,” he said. “There’s virtually no mystery.”
9/25/19 Putin Saddened That Trump Asked Other Foreign Country to Meddle in Election
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Russian President Vladimir Putin said on Wednesday that he was “saddened and hurt” that Donald J. Trump had asked a different foreign country to meddle in a U.S. election.
“I thought when it came to election meddling that Donald and I were exclusive,” an emotional Putin told reporters. “This feels like a betrayal.”
Putin said that when he read the call summary of the phone conversation between Trump and the President of Ukraine, “I could not believe my eyes. It was just like the conversations Donald and I used to have.”
The Russian leader said that he had considered meddling in the 2020 election to help Trump, but added, “Now I’m not so sure.”
“We had something special, but now that’s gone,” Putin said. “I feel so used.”
9/24/19 Panicky Trump Orders Dozen New Sharpies Before Releasing Ukraine Phone Transcript
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—A reportedly panic-stricken Donald J. Trump ordered a dozen new Sharpies before releasing a transcript of his phone conversation with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelensky.
Trump was reportedly incensed after he discovered that aides had not replenished his supply of Sharpies after he used his last one diverting the path of Hurricane Dorian.
In New York for the United Nations General Assembly, Vice-President Mike Pence scoured stationery stores in midtown Manhattan to find the precious Sharpies, but came up empty.
While the quest for Sharpies continued, aides professed that the situation was “under control.”
“President Trump has actually done some of his best work with crayons,” one aide said.
9/23/19 “How Has This Bastard Not Been Impeached Yet?” Nixon Asks in Hell
HELL (The Borowitz Report)—The former President Richard M. Nixon became the latest person to call for Donald J. Trump’s impeachment on Monday, holding an extraordinary press conference in Hell to do so.
“I see the news every day and I shake my head,” Nixon said, the infernal flames of Hades licking his jowls. “How has this bastard not been impeached yet?”
The former President said that the Watergate scandal, which led to his resignation from office, was “like jaywalking” compared to Trump’s interactions with a foreign government.
“I’ll admit that my subversion of democracy wasn’t ideal, but this Ukrainian business is some next-level shit,” Nixon said.
Though clearly aggrieved that Trump has thus far received more favorable treatment from Congress than he did, he showed some grudging admiration for the current occupant of the White House. “If he’s not impeached, he’s the luckiest bastard in the world, and I’ll tell him that when he gets down here,” Nixon said.
Click here for one news article prompting this next report.
9/20/19 In Major Shakeup, One of the Voices in Rudy Giuliani’s Head Resigns
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a shakeup that White House insiders said was a long time coming, one of the voices in Rudy Giuliani’s head has resigned.
The resignation, which was officially tendered on Saturday morning, seemed inevitable after the former New York mayor made an appearance on CNN Thursday evening in which two of the voices in his head appeared to be in open warfare with each other.
“When that happened, it was clear that Rudy’s head was not big enough for the both of them,” a White House insider said. “And Rudy has an extremely big head.”
In an official statement, Giuliani thanked the departing voice for its service, and said that he was confident that the four remaining voices in his head would work well together.
As for the former voice in Giuliani’s head, it was rumored to be applying for a position inside Kellyanne Conway’s head.
9/19/19 Trump Considers Sending Drone to Middle East
(A photo of Jared Kushner accompanied this report.)
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump is sowing discord among his foreign-policy advisers with a controversial plan to send a drone to the Middle East, White House insiders report.
According to sources familiar with the heated discussions, the opposition to Trump’s plan stems from the belief of many in his inner circle that the drone proposed for the mission is totally ill-equipped and doomed to miserable failure.
“There is virtually no enthusiasm for this particular drone,” one source said. “Trump is the only person who thinks that it has any use whatsoever.”
Fears abound that, if the drone were employed in the Middle East, it would immediately stray off course, due to its near-total lack of an even rudimentary guidance system.
“This drone is essentially the opposite of a smart weapon,” the source said. “Even if you tell it what to do, it cannot perform the simplest tasks. Every mission it has been sent on thus far has been a catastrophic embarrassment.”
Despite the widespread contempt for the drone, there is a faction in the White House that believes that sending it to the Middle East might still serve a useful purpose. “At least it wouldn’t be here anymore,” the source said.
9/13/19 Queen Trains Corgis to Attack Boris Johnson If He Ever Comes to Palace Again
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—Queen Elizabeth II has trained her corgis to attack the British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, if he ever comes to Buckingham Palace again, palace sources have confirmed.
For Johnson, who recently suffered another setback involving a dog, the news that the Queen was prepping her beloved canines to eviscerate him was just the latest indication of his precipitous fall.
The Queen reportedly supervised the corgis’ training herself, instructing them to lunge at Prince Charles, who wore a shaggy yellow wig for the exercise.
“When the corgis tore into Charles’s trousers, the terror in his eyes was palpable,” one observer said. “The Queen looked very happy.”
Although the Queen has been publicly tight-lipped on the subject of Johnson, a royal source indicated that she was heard muttering “that lying bastard” when the embattled Prime Minister appeared on television this week.
“There’s only room for one unelected ruler in this country,” she reportedly added.
Click here for one news article prompting this next report.
9/10/19 Trump Signs Executive Order Giving Him Control of Weather
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what some congressional Democrats are calling a flagrant example of Presidential overreach, Donald Trump on Tuesday signed an executive order giving him total control of the weather.
Under the terms of the order, Trump would assume the unilateral power to create all meteorological conditions, including but not limited to hurricanes, tornadoes, tsunamis, hail, sleet, and wintry mix.
After signing the order, a beaming Trump pronounced “total victory” over the weather, which he called “the enemy of the people.”
“I have been treated very unfairly by the weather,” Trump said. “The weather is a horrible person.”
On Fox News, Sean Hannity praised Trump’s decision to seize control of the weather and compared it favorably to former President Barack Obama’s weather policy, which he called “a trainwreck.”
“Obama just let the weather run wild,” Hannity said.
Although Trump’s executive order is certain to face legal challenges, White House sources indicated that the President was ready to press forward with an additional order giving him dominion over all living things, the planets, and the stars.
Click here for one news article prompting this next report.
9/5/19 In Latest Humiliation, Boris Johnson’s Dog Resigns As His Pet
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest in a string of humiliating blows to the British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson’s dog has abruptly resigned as his pet.
The dog, whom Johnson named Lord Slobberly, made the announcement in an official statement on Thursday morning.
“After wrestling with my conscience for some time, I have concluded that any further association with Mr. Johnson would be damaging to my reputation,” the dog said.
The sudden defection of Johnson’s dog sent shockwaves through his cabinet, with many ministers fearing that Lord Slobberly could be just the first of his pets to jump ship.
Specifically, parliamentary sources report that Johnson’s cat, Lady Paws-Whiskerly, is rumored to be in conversations with the Liberal Democrats.
As for Lord Slobberly, the dog said that his first official act after resigning would be to “bite Jacob Rees-Mogg in the ass.”
Click here for one news article prompting this next report.
9/4/19 Americans Shocked by Spectacle of Legislative Body Taking Action
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—Americans were shocked on Tuesday by the spectacle of a legislative body appearing to take action.
Across the U.S., television viewers watched with mouths agape at startling images of legislators seemingly intent on performing their constitutional duties.
Adding to Americans’ sense of astonishment, the legislators showed evidence of putting their country before party in an effort to rein in the actions of a reckless leader who had not garnered the majority of his nation’s votes.
Even more baffling to U.S. viewers, the legislators were furious that the leader had reduced the number of days that they had to show up to do their jobs.
Harland Dorrinson, who watched the bizarre proceedings on television at a bar in Pittsburgh, was “totally perplexed” by what he saw.
“From what I could tell, the legislators were providing oversight over the executive branch in order to protect their country from disaster,” he said. “It was so weird.”
Click here for one news article prompting this next report.
9/3/19 Americans Envious That Tiffany Trump Never Hears from Dad
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans envy Tiffany Trump for never hearing from her father, a new poll reveals.
According to the poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, Tiffany Trump’s unique placement beyond the reach of her father’s voice has made her the most envied woman in America.
Although Donald Trump took the extraordinary step of emitting the word “Tiffany” in remarks to reporters last week, the rarity of that utterance only served to remind Americans of just how fortunate Tiffany was to be off her father’s radar.
“In all our years of polling, it’s highly unusual to find one person so universally envied,” Davis Logsdon, who supervised the poll, said. “People in virtually every demographic group ‘strongly agreed’ with the statement, ‘God, I wish I were Tiffany Trump.’ ”
The poll finds Tiffany Trump sitting atop a list of the most envied women in America, well ahead of Beyoncé, Taylor Swift, and MacKenzie Bezos, who has a net worth of thirty-five billion dollars.
Click for one news article prompting this next report.
8/20/19 Unskilled Man Fears He Will Lose Job in Recession
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A man with no identifiable skills is deeply worried that a recession could cause him to lose his job, people close to the man have confirmed.
The man, who has barely clung to his job for the past two and a half years, is justified in believing that an economic downturn would result in his unemployment, experts said.
“When the economy is good, it’s possible for someone like him to hold down a job for which he is woefully unqualified,” Harland Dorrinson, a human-resources specialist, said. “But when the economy goes south, look out.”
Dorrinson said that the unskilled man’s résumé, which lists six bankruptcies and multiple business failures, could come under scrutiny in the event of a recession.
“His employers might find themselves asking, ‘How did he get this job in the first place?’ ” Dorrinson said.
Additionally, the man’s near-total lack of education—evidenced by his inability to spell common one-syllable words or to identify the century in which the airplane was invented—could make him vulnerable to termination, the human-resources expert said.
“On the plus side, he enjoys watching television for eight hours a day,” Dorrinson said. “During a recession, he’ll be able to do even more of that.”
Click for one news article prompting this next report.
8/16/19 Denmark Offers to Buy U.S.
COPENHAGEN (The Borowitz Report)—After rebuffing Donald J. Trump’s hypothetical proposal to purchase Greenland, the government of Denmark has announced that it would be interested in buying the United States instead.
“As we have stated, Greenland is not for sale,” a spokesperson for the Danish government said on Friday. “We have noted, however, that during the Trump regime, pretty much everything in the United States, including its government, has most definitely been for sale.”
“Denmark would be interested in purchasing the United States in its entirety, with the exception of its government,” the spokesperson added.
A key provision of the purchase offer, the spokesperson said, would be the relocation of Donald Trump to another country “to be determined,” with Russia and North Korea cited as possible destinations.
If Denmark’s bid for the United States is accepted, the Scandinavian nation has ambitious plans for its new acquisition. “We believe that by giving the U.S. an educational system and national health care, it could be transformed from a vast land mass into a great nation,” the spokesperson said.
Click here for news about Trump Administration weakening Endangered Species Act.
8/13/19 Endangered Polar Bear Demands Face-to-Face Meeting with Trump
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—One day after the White House took steps to weaken the Endangered Species Act, an irate polar bear has demanded a face-to-face meeting with Donald J. Trump.
The bear, who was described as “livid” by his spokesperson, has already begun his journey from the Arctic to Washington to express his deep dissatisfaction with Trump.
“He has been ravenously hungry because of the destruction of his habitat,” the bear’s spokesperson said. “The latest news about the Endangered Species Act has not improved his mood.”
Although it is unclear whether a one-on-one meeting between Trump and the aggrieved bear will occur, a new poll indicates that a broad majority of Americans would strongly favor such a meeting.
The White House has, so far, issued no response to the bear’s request, but the Vice-President, Mike Pence, has already refused a one-on-one meeting with a female polar bear.
Click here for Obama's statement about mass shootings.
8/7/19 Trump Demands Facebook Investigate Why Obama’s Post Got So Many Likes
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A furious Donald J. Trump has demanded that Facebook investigate why a status update posted by former President Barack Obama on Monday has received so many likes.
Speaking to reporters on Wednesday morning, Trump said that the more than eight hundred and fifty thousand likes that Obama’s post had garnered as of Tuesday night were “phony,” and called the seeming popularity of the post a “rigged hoax.”
“There is absolutely no way that eight hundred and fifty thousand people liked Obama’s post,” he said. “I know a lot of people, and absolutely none of them like Obama.”
Trump said that, in addition to investigating Obama’s likes, he was demanding that Facebook remove several hundred thousand of Obama’s likes and “give them to me instead.”
Calling the former President’s Facebook post “as long and boring as a book,” Trump slammed Obama for being “terrible at social media, which is the most important part of a President’s job.”
“In that post he uses words like ‘motivations,’ ‘proliferate,’ and ‘unequivocally,’ ” Trump said. “How could over eight hundred thousand people like a post full of words that no one has ever heard of?”
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8/6/19 Link Found Between Gun Violence and Cowardly Politicians
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—There is a “significant link” between gun violence and cowardly politicians, a new study from the University of Minnesota asserts.
The study, which is raising eyebrows with its startling conclusions, finds that the most reliable predictor of gun violence is the “prevalence of quiveringly fearful politicians in positions of power.”
As part of the study’s methodology, researchers examining gun violence compared countries ruled by non-cowards with those ruled by gutless toadies.
“In countries ruled by non-cowards, such as New Zealand, gun violence is virtually nonexistent,” the study claims.
While the study’s authors paint a bleak picture of nations with “coward-rich” leadership, they offer a recommendation to remedy this dire state of affairs.
“While censoring movies or video games would have no measurable effect on gun violence, major strides can be made by replacing cowards in government with non-cowards,” the study suggests, noting that this theory could be tested as early as 2020.
For more info on this next report, google "Moscow Mitch" or click here for one article.
7/30/19 Putin Denies Mitch McConnell Is Russian Asset: “He Has Never Been an Asset to Any Country”
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Pushing back against charges that Senator Mitch McConnell is a Russian asset, the Russian President, Vladimir Putin, said on Tuesday that McConnell “has never been an asset to any country.”
“You can scour the four corners of the globe, and you will not find a nation that would ever in a million years consider Mitch McConnell an asset,” Putin said.
The Russian President urged pundits who have called McConnell a Russian asset “to look up the word ‘asset’ in the dictionary.”
“You will find that ‘asset’ means a useful or valuable thing,” Putin said. “The only part of that definition that fits McConnell is ‘thing.’ ”
Pressing his case further, he said that it was debatable whether McConnell was even an asset to his home state of Kentucky. “Maybe compared to Rand Paul he is, but that’s setting the bar ludicrously low,” he said.
Concluding his remarks, Putin said that people who ask, “Who does Mitch McConnell work for?” are asking the wrong question. “The question should be ‘When has Mitch McConnell ever worked?’ ” he said.
7/28/19 Government Housing Structure Infested with Criminals and Rats
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A government-subsidized housing structure has fallen into a dangerous state and has become thoroughly infested with criminals and rats, a leading congressman warned on Saturday.
The building has become “the territory of vicious gangsters who roam freely and consider themselves above the law,” Representative Elijah Cummings, a Democrat of Maryland, said.
The congressman added that notorious gang members took over the housing facility in early 2017 and have “spread terror and despair” there ever since.
“People are scared to be there,” Cummings said. “Hundreds have fled.”
He said that the horrific conditions within the housing complex are one of the nation’s worst-kept secrets. “Many of the people who have fled over the past two years have written books about it,” he said. “But the criminals continue to run wild.”
The congressman said that he was speaking out for the benefit of the residents in his Baltimore, Maryland, district. “I am alarmed that the nation’s worst breeding ground for crime is less than fifty miles from Baltimore,” he said.
7/25/19 Republicans Defend Trump’s Decision to Give Putin Office Space at White House
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a sign that Donald J. Trump’s control over the Republican Party is now complete, congressional Republicans on Thursday defended his decision to give the Russian President Vladimir Putin office space at the White House.
A newly emboldened Trump told reporters that he had furnished Putin with a corner-office suite and secretarial staff to use whenever the Russian President is in town. “He says he plans to be here more and more,” Trump said.
Putin, who moved file boxes into his new office on Thursday afternoon, said he looks forward to many productive hours at the White House with few, if any, interruptions.
“At the Kremlin, people are always sticking their heads in my office, asking me questions,” he said. “President Trump just spends all day watching TV.”
At the U.S. Senate, a visibly angry Senator Lindsey Graham called allegations that there was anything improper about Trump giving office space to Putin “totally unfair, disgusting, and vile.”
“Vladimir Putin has worked harder to run the U.S. government than all of the Democrats in Congress put together,” Graham said.
7/23/19 Queen Elizabeth Moving to Canada
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—Queen Elizabeth II is moving to Canada “immediately” and should take up full-time residence there by the end of the week, Buckingham Palace confirmed on Tuesday.
The Queen offered no reason for the move, but the palace indicated that she had been packing her bags for the past several weeks.
In a sign that the Queen’s decision is irrevocable, the palace revealed that her beloved corgis had already been flown to Toronto.
In a brief farewell statement to the British people, the Queen explained why she had chosen Canada as her new home. “We speak the language, and our picture’s on the money there,” she said.
She said that she had “no regrets” about abdicating the throne to her son, Charles. “At this point, there’s nothing he can do to make the U.K. more messed up than it already is,” she said.
7/22/19 Trump Orders Pence to Find Passage in Bible Where Jesus Tells People to Get the Hell Out
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to bolster the core message of his 2020 campaign, Donald J. Trump ordered Mike Pence to locate a passage in the Bible where Jesus tells people “to get the hell out of here,” White House sources confirmed on Monday.
According to the sources, Trump summoned Pence to the Oval Office and commanded him to find “somewhere in the Bible” where Jesus “tells people that they don’t belong here and they should beat it.”
Pence, who seemed startled by the request, asked Trump if he meant the time when Jesus expelled money changers from the Temple, but Trump shook his head angrily. “No, not that. I don’t want to piss off Deutsche Bank,” he said. “I want something where Jesus tells the poor and the meek or whatever to go back to the shithole places they came from.”
After a shaken Pence said that he would “see what I can find,” Trump reportedly demanded that the Vice-President also locate a passage where Jesus calls journalists “the lowest form of life.”
7/19/19 Trump Denies Being at North Carolina Rally
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump attempted to further distance himself from a racist chant shouted at a North Carolina campaign rally earlier this week by denying that he had attended the rally.
“I wasn’t there,” Trump told reporters at the White House on Friday. “If I had been there, you can be sure I would have done everything I could to stop them from chanting.”
Trump said that he was furious that thousands of people had apparently assembled in North Carolina to chant racist things when he was nowhere near the rally and thus totally incapable of intervening.
“It’s the kind of thing I would have been disgusted by if I had been there to hear it,” he said. “Unfortunately, I wasn’t there.”
On Capitol Hill, Senator Lindsey Graham lashed out at reporters for persistently claiming that Trump had, in fact, attended the rally. “If he says he wasn’t there, then, damn it, he wasn’t there,” a visibly furious Graham said. “How do you people sleep at night?”
7/15/19 Democratic Congresswomen Urge Trump to Go Back to Russia
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Four Democratic congresswomen issued a brief statement on Monday urging President Donald Trump to go back to Russia and improve the dire conditions of that country.
In the tersely worded statement, the four lawmakers—Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, of New York; Ilhan Omar, of Minnesota; Ayanna Pressley, of Massachusetts; and Rashida Tlaib, of Michigan—indicated that Russia was “broken and crime-infested” and required Trump’s immediate attention.
The statement went on to suggest that, once Trump had fixed the problems plaguing Russia, he could return to the United States and “show us how.”
In a tweet, Trump mocked the congresswomen, contrasting them with the “real revolutionaries” honored over the weekend on Bastille Day. “In 1789, these brave people stormed Louis XVI’s airports,” he wrote.
7/13/19 Trump Furious That Mar-a-Lago Is Left with No Employees After ICE Raid
PALM BEACH, Florida (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump was reportedly “hopping mad” on Saturday after a surprise ice raid left his Mar-a-Lago retreat with no employees.
The ice agents conducting the pre-dawn raid swept through the opulent Palm Beach club and left guests with no one to prepare their food, wash their dishes, or clean their rooms.
When informed of the news, a furious Trump reportedly barked at his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, and his sons Eric and Donald, Jr., ordering them to hurry to Palm Beach and wait on tables.
A spokesman for Mar-a-Lago called the situation “dire,” warning that the resort had lost almost as many staff members as the White House.
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7/10/19 U.K. Unable to Find Replacement Ambassador Who Does Not Think Trump Is an Idiot
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—Following the resignation of its Ambassador to the United States, Kim Darroch, the government of the United Kingdom has disclosed that it has been unable to find a replacement for Darroch who does not also think that Donald J. Trump is a blithering idiot.
At a press conference at 10 Downing Street, the British Prime Minister, Theresa May, revealed that the search for a new ambassador who does not believe that Trump is an imbecile has thus far come up empty.
“We did not want a repeat of the unfortunate Kim Darroch incident, so we made the first question on the job application, ‘Do you think Donald Trump is a moron?’ ” May said. “So far, none of the applicants has checked the ‘no’ box.”
May acknowledged that the government might have to expand its search for applicants beyond those with diplomatic experience in order to find a replacement for Darroch who does not consider Trump a dolt.
“We will search high and low until we find someone in this country who doesn’t think Donald Trump is a nitwit,” she said. “We’re starting by interviewing people who don’t think Boris Johnson is a nitwit.”
While affirming her government’s determination to find someone in the U.K. who does not think Trump is an unmitigated bonehead, May warned that the difficulty of the task must not be underestimated. “This is turning out to be harder than Brexit,” she said.
Click for Trump's July 4th speech referring to airports during the Revolutionary War.
7/8/19 British Ambassador Concealed Insults from Trump by Writing Messages in English
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—The British Ambassador to the United States, Kim Darroch, explained on Monday that he had tried to conceal insulting remarks from Donald Trump by writing his cables in English.
“I believed that, by writing these messages in English, that would serve the same purpose as encryption,” Darroch said. “The fact that Trump was somehow able to decode them remains deeply mysterious to me.”
Darroch said that, “out of an abundance of caution,” he took further steps to make the cables indecipherable to Trump, deploying multisyllabic words such as “dysfunctional.”
“Clearly, I did not take into account the possibility that one of his aides might read these cables aloud to him and explain what all of the long words meant,” he said. “I was not aware that there was anyone at the White House capable of performing such duties.”
In Washington, Trump appeared not to be taking the insulting cables personally. “The British are just mad at us for taking over their airports in the eighteenth century,” he said.
7/3/19 Trump’s Fourth of July Parade to Include Flyover by Russian Air Force
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “incredibly exciting news,” President Donald Trump revealed on Wednesday that his long-planned Fourth of July parade in Washington will include a flyover by Russian Su-24 fighter planes.
“These are beautiful, gleaming Russian planes,” Trump boasted to Tucker Carlson, of Fox News. “I’m the first American President who’s had Russian fighters flying over Washington.”
He said that he finalized the flyover deal while speaking to the Russian President, Vladimir Putin, at the G-20 Summit last week. “Putin said, ‘This is the least we can do, after all you’ve done for us,’ ” Trump said.
Trump said he imagined that the crews of the Russian military aircraft will be thrilled to fly over the nation’s capital. “I’m sure they’ll be taking a lot of pictures,” he said.
7/1/19 Ivanka Comes Out Against Busing: “I Have Never Taken a Bus In My Life—They’re Gross”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Ivanka Trump came out strongly against busing on Monday, telling reporters, “I have never taken a bus in my life—they’re gross.”
Trump said she was reluctant to wade into the busing controversy, but asserted, “The idea of getting on a bus, where there are a lot of other people and you have no idea who they are or what they might be eating, is against everything I stand for.”
She said that she had no idea why people would take a bus when they could “just take an Uber,” but was quick to clarify, “I have never taken an Uber, either.”
“Ubers don’t seem as gross as buses, but they still seem pretty gross,” she said.
As she spoke about various modes of transportation, Trump grew visibly emotional. “In the eighties, a little girl in Manhattan took a limo to elementary school every morning,” she said. “That little girl was me.
7/1/19 Trump Praises Kim on Immigration: “No One Is Trying to Get Into Your Country”
NORTH KOREA (The Borowitz Report)—Setting foot in North Korea for the first time, on Sunday, President Donald Trump praised that nation’s dictator, Kim Jong Un, for his efforts on immigration, telling Kim, “No one is trying to get into your country.”
After crossing into North Korea from the Demilitarized Zone, Trump remarked to the North Korean leader, “Your border is amazing! There are no people whatsoever trying to get in. You should see our border—it’s a complete mess.”
Barely containing his envy, Trump continued, “Of course, you don’t have Congress to deal with, like I do. They’ve caused all the problems I’ve had on immigration. You’ve got a much better deal. You want to build a wall, you build a wall. No one can tell you you can’t.”
Surveying the border admiringly, Trump bemoaned the brevity of his impromptu visit with Kim. “I have so much to learn from you,” Trump said. “You must be doing something right.”
6/28/19 Terrified Trump Writes Check to Biden Campaign
OSAKA (The Borowitz Report)—Moments after watching the second night of Democratic Presidential debates, a reportedly shaken Donald J. Trump wrote a check to the campaign of former Vice-President Joe Biden.
Trump took a break from the G-20 summit to watch the Thursday-night contest and emerged from the viewing “ashen and trembling,” one G-20 colleague said.
Later, Trump was overheard trying to enlist Russian President Vladimir Putin to support the Biden 2020 effort.
“Please, you’ve got to help Joe. He’s in trouble,” Trump pleaded with the Russian.
“Stop being such a baby,” Putin reportedly snapped.
6/27/19 Debate Viewers Struggle with Concept of President Without Glaring Personality Disorder
MIAMI (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of viewers of a televised debate Wednesday night found themselves struggling with the notion of a President with no visible personality disorder.
In interviews across the country, viewers said that they were having difficulty imagining a President who does not display flagrant signs of malignant narcissism, impulse-control deficit, or rampant paranoia.
“I kept trying to picture whether any of these people would be capable of insulting another country on Twitter to compensate for his or her own pathological sense of inadequacy,” Harland Dorrinson, who lives in Akron, Ohio, said. “None of them showed me that they have what it takes to do that.”
“A President should be ready, at a moment’s notice, to ridicule another person’s face,” Carol Foyler, of Nashville, said. “I didn’t see one person on that stage who seemed up to that task.”
Tracy Klugian, who lives in San Diego, said he was taken aback by the candidates showing off their language proficiency. “Every one of them was fluent in English,” he said. “For a President, that would be jarring.”
6/18/19 Panicky Trump Brothers Seek Podiatrist Notes After Dad Sends Troops to Middle East
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a state of panic after their father dispatched troops to the Middle East, Eric Trump and Donald Trump, Jr., have both sought medical notes from a Manhattan podiatrist.
According to an official statement from Donald Trump, Jr.,’s spokesperson, John Barron, Jr., the two Trump boys obtained the medical notes “out of an abundance of caution.”
The podiatrist’s notes, which were made public by Barron, paint a picture of two otherwise healthy young men with foot problems that can only be described as dire.
According to the podiatrist, Eric Trump is unable to operate his feet while chewing gum, while one of Donald Trump, Jr.,’s feet appears to be permanently lodged in his mouth.
6/16/19 Replacement for Sarah Sanders Disqualified After Telling Truth on Job Application
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A leading candidate to replace the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, was disqualified after telling the truth repeatedly on his job application, the White House has confirmed.
According to the White House chief of staff, Mick Mulvaney, the candidate got high marks in his job interview by demonstrating “utter disregard and contempt for press freedoms.”
“We then had him do a practice press briefing in which he was relentlessly abusive, obnoxious, and insulting,” Mulvaney said. “We were all, like, ‘This is our guy.’ ”
But after a thorough examination of the candidate’s job application, “a troubling series of truthhoods emerged,” Mulvaney said.
“It turned out that he was telling the truth about his education and previous employment,” the chief of staff said. “It was a pattern of honesty that we found deeply disturbing.”
Mulvaney said that the “inexcusably veracious” answers had eliminated the candidate from further consideration. “We all feel like we just dodged a bullet,” he said. “This whole episode just demonstrates how tough it is to replace Sarah Huckabee Sanders.”
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6/13/19 Kellyanne Conway to Leave White House Immediately and Begin New Job at Kremlin
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The embattled Presidential adviser Kellyanne Conway will leave her post at the White House, effective immediately, and begin a new job at the Kremlin on Friday, the White House and the Kremlin have confirmed.
Conway, who has served as a counsellor to President Donald Trump, will serve as a counsellor to President Vladimir Putin.
The White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, announced the news in sombre fashion. “Everyone here is happy for Kellyanne, but our nation has lost a great liar,” she said.
Conway told reporters that she was excited to work in “a country that doesn’t have dumb old laws like the Hatch Act.”
“As a federal employee, there were so many restrictions on getting involved in American elections, but at the Kremlin that’ll be my main job,” she said.
6/10/19 Trump Says He Has Made Deal to Add Hawaii as Fiftieth State
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump has reached a groundbreaking deal with the Hawaiian Islands to make them the nation’s fiftieth state, Trump confirmed on Monday.
Calling it “my most incredible deal yet,” Trump said that he had forced Hawaii to bend to his will and “cough up billions” to become a state.
“This is a big win for our country,” Trump told reporters at the White House. “Hawaii is going to be a beautiful and amazing state.”
Just minutes after his announcement, however, there was significant pushback from Hawaii, which claimed that it had already reached a deal to become a state in 1959.
That claim swiftly drew the ire of Trump, who denounced Hawaii’s alleged sixty years of statehood as “fake news” and “disgraceful.”
“The Hawaiians better be very, very careful what they say,” Trump warned. “I made them a state and I can take that away.”
6/8/19 Woman Quits Job After Being Forced to Spend Week with Trump
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—A British woman quit her job, on Friday, after being forced to spend the better part of a week with Donald J. Trump, the woman has confirmed.
Speaking to reporters at her office in London, the woman said that, although she had spent years trying to get the job, having to endure several days in the company of Trump convinced her that “life is too short.”
“When I started this job, I knew that a certain amount of my responsibilities would involve dealing with members of the public,” she said. “But had I known that I also would have to spend hours listening to Donald Trump talk, I certainly would have applied for a different position.”
Compounding the woman’s nightmare, she was required to spend time not only with Trump but with his adult children as well. “Having to talk to that Eric person reduced me to tears,” she said.
The woman said that she has been amazed to learn that more than ten people have come forward to say that they would like to be her replacement. “Whoever gets my job should be warned: at some point, you may have to spend a week with Donald Trump,” she said. “Are you really up for that?”
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6/1/19 Trump Says He Would Be Much Better Princess Than Meghan Markle
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - Donald J. Trump raised eyebrows on both sides of the Atlantic on Saturday by claiming that he would be a “much better princess” than Meghan Markle.
Calling the Duchess of Sussex “a nasty woman,” Trump said, “If I were a princess, I would not be nasty. People would say, ‘Donald Trump is the nicest princess.’ ”
Trump added that “all a princess has to do is sit on a throne, and I would be very good at that also.”
“I sit between ten and twelve hours a day, minimum,” he said.
Finally, Trump said that, as Princess, he would do “a way better job at waving at people than Nasty Meghan does.”
“Meghan Markle’s waving is a disgrace,” he said. “I have the best waves.”
5/29/19 Mueller Stirs Controversy by Urging Americans to Read
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The special counsel Robert Mueller ignited a firestorm of controversy on Wednesday by recommending that millions of Americans read.
Mueller, seemingly oblivious to the uproar he was about to create, repeatedly commented that there was valuable information available to the American people only by reading a long book.
At the White House, sources said that Donald J. Trump was furious about Mueller’s statement because he interpreted the special counsel’s pro-reading message as a thinly veiled attack on him.
Speaking to reporters later, on the White House lawn, Trump made it clear that Mueller’s exhortation to read had fallen on deaf ears.
“I’ve never read any of my books, and I certainly don’t intend to read his,” Trump said.
5/23/19 Pelosi Takes Advantage of Trump’s Storming Out of Oval Office to Hide Nuclear Codes
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, took advantage of Donald Trump’s storming out of an Oval Office meeting on Wednesday to hide the nuclear codes, Pelosi has confirmed.
Moments after Trump threw a tantrum and abruptly left his own office, the quick-thinking Pelosi turned to Senator Charles Schumer, who was also present for the meeting, and said, “Chuck, we’ve got to find those nuclear codes and hide them.”
Pelosi and Schumer ransacked the Oval Office for the codes until Pelosi finally located them in a desk drawer under a pile of empty Quarter Pounder containers from McDonald’s.
Speaking to reporters on Thursday, the House Speaker refused to divulge her hiding place for the codes, but addressed widespread speculation that she had hidden them in a book.
“Believe me, that was my first thought,” she said. “But I checked the whole office, and there were no books.”
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5/15/19 Alabama Senate Votes to Virtually Eliminate Tourism to Alabama
MONTGOMERY, Alabama (The Borowitz Report)—The Alabama Senate voted on Tuesday to approve a measure that would virtually eliminate tourism to Alabama.
Greg Reed, the Senate Majority Leader, said that, if signed into law, the measure would achieve his fellow Republican senators’ long-standing goal of making tourism to Alabama “so rare as to be essentially nonexistent.”
“This is a great day for everyone in the state of Alabama who has worked so hard to wipe out the evil scourge of tourism,” he said.
The bill now goes to the desk of Governor Kay Ivey, who has been aggressively urged to sign it by anti-tourism activists.
“If Governor Ivey does the right thing and signs the bill, Alabama could start losing billions of dollars right away,” Reed said. “This will be the best thing to keep people from visiting Alabama since Roy Moore.”
5/13/19 Trump Urges Americans to Boycott Chinese Goods and Just Buy Things at Walmart
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Asking for their solidarity in his trade war with China, Donald Trump is urging Americans to boycott Chinese goods and “just buy things at Walmart.”
Trump made his request via Twitter, where he told his fellow-citizens that it was their “patriotic duty” to punish China by buying as many goods at Walmart as possible.
“If you go to a GREAT AMERICAN STORE like Walmart, you’ll find lots of cheap sportswear, shoes, and other items for you and your family to enjoy,” he tweeted. “What better way to show China that we don’t need their DUMB STUFF!”
Shortly after Trump sent those marching orders to his countrymen, the Chinese President, Xi Jinping, offered a muted response. “I’m beginning to see how he lost a billion dollars,” Xi said.
5/6/19 Trump Furious That Another Baby Is Getting All The Attention
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—President Donald J. Trump is reportedly “seething with envy” and “furious” that another baby is suddenly getting all the attention, White House aides have confirmed.
The aides, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that Trump was “beside himself” after watching cable news cover a baby other than himself all Monday morning.
“He can’t understand why they are suddenly obsessed with this baby,” one aide said. “He thinks he should be the only baby that people are thinking about, and this new baby is driving him nuts.”
According to the aide, Trump even threatened to slap new tariffs on China in the hopes of stealing attention away from the baby, but to no avail.
“Honestly, I feel bad for him,” the aide said. “He’s used to being the youngest person, and now there’s someone younger.”
5/2/19 Barr Unable to Give Honest Answer to Drive-Thru Window at Arby’s
BETHESDA, Maryland (The Borowitz Report)—Attorney General William Barr on Thursday proved unable to give honest answers to a drive-thru window at a Bethesda, Maryland, Arby’s restaurant.
Barr, who drove up to the window just after noon, appeared evasive and halting after the drive-thru attendant asked to take his order.
“I cannot recall what I would like to order at this time,” Barr said, according to the attendant.
When pressed repeatedly to name a sandwich, drink, or side order that he preferred, Barr stonewalled, the attendant said.
“The questions I was asking him couldn’t have been clearer,” the attendant told reporters. “I asked him if he wanted to order a Smokehouse Brisket sandwich. He refused to give me a yes-or-no answer.”
“I came away feeling that he had been less than candid,” the attendant said.
Speaking through an official spokesperson later in the day, Barr said that he would never appear at Arby’s again.
4/29/19 Americans Beg Trump for Secret to Staying So Young and Vibrant
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Americans across the country wish that Donald Trump would reveal his secret to staying so young and vibrant, the nation’s personal trainers have confirmed.
According to Tracy Klugian, a fitness professional in St. Louis, “not a day goes by” without one of his clients requesting a physical regimen that will give him or her the youthful appearance and mental sharpness that have made Trump the envy of millions.
“Clients will come in and say, ‘Make me as young and vibrant as Donald Trump,’ ” Klugian said. “I have to warn them that that’s setting the bar very, very high.”
Having analyzed Trump’s fitness habits, Klugian has theorized that his startling youthfulness and off-the-charts vibrance might be the result of eight hours that he devotes each day to “executive time.”
“Lifting the remote, putting it down, lifting it again, and then tweeting is an exercise routine that very few people could keep up for one hour, and Trump does it for eight,” he said. “I tell my clients, if you want to be as young and vibrant as Donald Trump, you’re going to have to put in that kind of time.”
Klugian said that he was also putting clients on a “Trump diet,” consisting entirely of hamburgers and Coke, to give their bodies the fuel necessary to complete the gruelling remote-lifting-and-tweeting workout.
But the personal trainer said that he urges his clients not to be discouraged if, even after adopting Trump’s rigorous exercise routine and diet, they fail to achieve Trump’s physical perfection.
“At the end of the day, Donald Trump has found the Fountain of Youth, and also the Fountain of Vibrance,” he said.
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4/19/19 Sarah Huckabee Sanders Accuses Media of Anti-Liar Bias
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Reacting to the journalist April Ryan’s call for her to be fired, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said, on Friday, that she has been the victim of the media’s “widespread anti-liar bias.”
“From their obsession with fact-checking to their relentless attacks on falsehoods, the media have made no secret of their bias,” Sanders said. “It’s open season on liars in America.”
“This is media hypocrisy at its very worst,” she added. “The same journalists who advocate freedom of speech want to take that freedom away from anyone whose speech consists entirely of lies.”
“This is nothing more or less than a direct attack on the lying life style,” she said. “You take away my right to lie and you take away my ability to earn a living.”
Kellyanne Conway, the White House senior counsellor, spoke out in support of Sanders, telling reporters, “An attack on one liar is an attack on all liars.”
“Our country has seen some dark days, from the Bowling Green Massacre to the bugging of the White House microwave,” she said. “But this might be the darkest.”
4/17/19 Putin Almost Done Redacting Mueller Report
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—After putting in what one associate called a “hellish all-nighter,” the Russian President, Vladimir Putin, is almost finished redacting Robert Mueller’s report in time for its release, on Thursday.
Earlier in the week, the U.S. Attorney General, William Barr, submitted the approximately four-hundred-page document to Putin for his approval, but the Russian President was reportedly “in a state of disbelief” over how much Barr had failed to redact.
Quickly assembling a crisis team at the Kremlin to implement further redactions, Putin told his associates, “Put some coffee on, boys—it’s going to be a long night.”
Although Putin is said to be satisfied that his redactions have rendered the Mueller report meaningless, he resents that the important task of obliterating damning evidence fell to him. “I have to do everything for these people,” he reportedly said.
4/15/19 Americans Fear That Former Trump Staffers Will Be Released Into Their Cities
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Americans are in a state of abject panic amid reports that Donald J. Trump is threatening to dump thousands of fired Cabinet members and aides on cities that do not support him.
Harland Dorrinson, who lives in San Francisco, said that “every American should be alarmed” at the spectre of former Trump staffers like Kirstjen Nielsen, Scott Pruitt, and Anthony Scaramucci descending on their towns.
“A lot of these people were unsavory to begin with, and their time at the White House only hardened them,” he said.
Carol Foyler, who resides in Boston, said that, with Trump staffers being fired at a rate of four hundred a day, she lives in terror at the prospect of these castoffs melting into the general population.
“I was on line at Starbucks the other day and I thought I saw Steve Bannon,” she said. “It turned out it was just some other creepy-looking guy, but my heart was racing. The fear is real.”
Tracy Klugian, who lives in Minneapolis, has started a petition to create a city ordinance preventing former Trump aides from settling in his town. “This city is full,” he said.
As they brace themselves for an onslaught of fired Trump underlings, some Americans are grasping for a silver lining. “As of now, Stephen Miller and Sarah Huckabee Sanders are still employed at the White House, where their movements can be closely monitored,” Foyler said. “But, it if that changes, God help us all.”
4/10/19 Trump Names Lori Loughlin Education Secretary
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The shakeup in the Trump Administration continued on Wednesday as Donald Trump named a fellow television personality, Lori Loughlin, to be the new Secretary of Education.
In making the announcement, Trump praised Loughlin for her “disruptive approach” to college admissions and expressed hope that she could bring the same brand of innovative thinking to the Department of Education.
He brushed aside reporters’ questions about the means by which Loughlin obtained college placements for her two daughters. “No one here has a problem with that,” he said. “I know Jared doesn’t.”
The outgoing Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, said that she was grateful to have served in the Cabinet and that she would continue to work toward eviscerating American schools as a private citizen.
4/8/19 Redaction of Mueller Report Halted as Barr Passes Out from Sharpie Fumes
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The redaction of the Mueller report stalled on Monday after the Attorney General, William Barr, passed out from inhaling fumes from multiple Sharpie markers.
Barr, who had been working around the clock to redact the report before its release, reportedly lost consciousness while trying to black out a seventy-four-page section detailing Donald Trump, Jr.,’s contacts with more than three dozen Russian individuals.
“You cannot use that many Sharpies, for hours on end, without proper ventilation,” a Justice Department staffer, speaking on condition of anonymity, said. “This was a disaster waiting to happen.”
The insentient Barr was rushed to Walter Reed medical center, where a grim-faced hospital spokesperson described his condition as “Ben Carson–like.”
At the White House, the press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, offered a more upbeat assessment. “We expect Attorney General Barr to make a swift and full recovery, so that he can get to work on the President’s taxes,” she said.
Click for Trump's claim his dad was born in Germany, not the Bronx.
4/3/19 Germany Demands Apology After Trump Claims Father Was Born There
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—German Chancellor Angela Merkel demanded that Donald Trump issue a “complete and sincere apology” to the German people, after Trump claimed incorrectly, on Tuesday, that his father was born in Germany.
“Of the many insulting things that Donald Trump could say to the German people, alleging that his father was born here is by far the most hurtful,” she said. “He must take it back at once.”
Merkel said that Germany would consider breaking off diplomatic relations with the U.S. immediately if Trump did not acknowledge “that his father was born somewhere else.”
Despite widely available evidence that Trump’s father, Fred Trump, was born in the Bronx, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, stuck by Trump’s story on Tuesday afternoon. “The President is proud that his father was born in a great foreign country like Germany, and not in a bad foreign country like Puerto Rico,” she said.
4/1/19 “Fox & Friends” Blames Obama for Creating Additional Mexicos
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—After praising Donald J. Trump, on Sunday, for cutting aid to “three Mexican countries,” the cast of “Fox & Friends” blamed former President Barack Obama for creating additional Mexicos during his tenure in the White House.
“When Barack Obama took office, there was only one Mexico,” the host Ed Henry said. “He allowed these additional Mexicos to develop.”
Henry’s co-host Jedediah Bila agreed that the problem of multiple Mexicos was Obama’s fault. “It was bad enough having one Mexico without Obama going out and creating a bunch of new ones,” she said, noting that there had been a three-hundred-per-cent increase in the number of Mexicos on Obama’s watch.
The third host, Pete Hegseth, praised Trump for doing everything in his power to “reduce the number of Obama’s Mexicos.”
“Everyone agrees that there are way too many Mexicos right now,” he said.
Later in the day, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said that, after watching “Fox & Friends,” President Trump was committed to finding out “just how many Mexicos there are,” and that he had put the Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, in charge of counting them.
3/26/19 WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Attorney General William Barr has just read the classic American novel “Moby-Dick,” by Herman Melville, and found that the book contains “no evidence whatsoever of whales,” Barr stated on Tuesday.
The Attorney General issued his statement on the absence of whales in the Melville classic in a two-paragraph book report released to the news media.
“Those who read ‘Moby-Dick’ looking for whales will be sorely disappointed,” Barr wrote. “There are no whales here.”
To illustrate his point, Barr quoted the book’s first sentence: “Call me Ishmael.”
“As you can clearly see, that sentence does not have a whale in it,” Barr wrote.
The Attorney General indicated that he hoped his report would put an end to “reckless speculation” about the existence of whales in “Moby-Dick.” “It’s time to move on,” he wrote.
Barr disclosed that, after waiting years to read “Moby-Dick,” he was able to finish reading it in approximately fifteen minutes.
3/15/19 Beto O’Rourke Rocked by Scandal as High-School Mixtape Appears to Include REO Speedwagon
By Andy Borowitz10:36 A.M.
Photograph by Sarah L. Voisin / The Washington Post / Getty
IOWA CITY, IOWA (The Borowitz Report)—The nascent Presidential campaign of Beto O’Rourke took a serious hit on Friday with the leak of a high-school-era mixtape by the candidate that included a song by REO Speedwagon.
The mixtape, which prominently featured the song “Keep on Loving You,” sent shockwaves through the O’Rourke campaign, forcing the candidate to address the controversy on the hustings.
“In my youth, I put a song on a mixtape that I deeply regret adding,” O’Rourke told a stunned crowd at an Iowa City diner. “REO Speedwagon does not represent who I am.”
The Democratic strategist Tracy Klugian cautioned that O’Rourke’s apology might not have put the mixtape scandal to rest.
“If that’s the only tape out there, then Beto moves on from this,” he said. “But if a mixtape comes out with Air Supply on it, he’s done.”
3/14/19 Betsy DeVos Suggests That Bribing Colleges Helps Students Learn Math
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Offering an upbeat assessment of the headline-grabbing college-admissions scandal, Betsy DeVos said on Thursday that bribing colleges gave students “a really neat opportunity” to learn math.
The Secretary of Education suggested that, rather than keeping children in the dark about the bribes that enable their college acceptances, “Parents should sit around the kitchen table with their kids and work on some fun math problems together.”
“Let’s say it’ll cost Amber seventy-five thousand dollars to get into Stanford, and it’ll cost her twin brother Dylan seventy-five thousand to get into Georgetown,” she said. “How much money total will their parents have to wire?”
“Or let’s say Jenna has a 470 verbal score, but she needs a 730 to get into Yale,” DeVos said. “How much will she have to pay to get her score changed?”
DeVos said that, as regrettable as the criminal charges against the parents in the bribery scandal were, the arrests themselves provided a teachable moment. “Lori Loughlin posted a million dollars in bail, and Felicity Huffman posted two hundred fifty thousand,” she said. “How much bail did Lori and Felicity post?”
3/9/19 God Offers People of Alabama New Bibles to Replace Ones Trump Signed
MONTGOMERY, Alabama (The Borowitz Report)—God has offered to give the people of Alabama brand new Bibles to replace the ones that Donald J. Trump signed during his visit to the state on Friday.
In a rare public statement from the famously mysterious deity, God said that He was furious at Trump “for defacing My book,” calling Trump’s signature “a wanton act of vandalism.”
“Where was Mike Pence in all of this?” God asked. “These people can’t do anything right.”
God added that He was “dumbfounded” that Trump had taken it upon himself to sign his name on a book to which he had “no relationship whatsoever.”
“I’ve got news for Trump: the Bible is not ‘The Art of the Deal,’ ” God said. “Of course, he didn’t write that book, either.”
3/6/19 Obama Demands to See Trump’s Elementary-School Diploma
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama ignited a firestorm of controversy on Wednesday by demanding to see President Donald Trump’s elementary-school diploma.
Speaking to reporters in Washington, Obama called on Trump to prove “once and for all” that he had completed a K-through-five program.
“While the U.S. Constitution does not require the President to have graduated from fifth grade, it would still be nice to know that he had done so,” Obama said.
By insisting on the release of Trump’s diploma, Obama joined a growing movement of so-called schoolers, who contend that Trump never attended school.
Schoolers’ demands to see documentation of Trump’s elementary-school attendance have yet to sway the White House, which has released only a short version of Trump’s second-grade report card, with the grades completely redacted.
Obama revealed that he had hired forensic detectives to study Trump’s utterances and tweets to determine the extent of his verifiable schooling, but, so far, they had found “no proof” of a fifth-grade education.
“Donald Trump claims that he attended elementary school,” Obama said. “All I’m asking is, where’s the evidence?”
3/1/19 Trump Storms Out of McDonald’s After Failing to Close Six-Dollar Meal Deal
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Capping a singularly disastrous week for the Commander-in-Chief, Donald J. Trump stormed out of a Washington, D.C., McDonald’s restaurant on Friday after failing to close a six-dollar Meal Deal at the establishment.
At approximately 12:30 p.m., Trump took a break from his designated “executive time” to travel to the nearby McDonald’s, where he placed an order for a Meal Deal consisting of a Quarter Pounder with cheese, fries, Coke, and an apple pie.
Tracy Klugian, the McDonald’s employee who took Trump’s order, said that he was aware of Trump’s difficulty in closing deals and therefore hiked the price of the Meal Deal to twelve dollars.
“I really thought he would drive a harder bargain, what with ‘The Art of the Deal’ and all,” the McDonald’s staffer said. “I was kind of surprised when he just bailed.”
With the McDonald’s deal in tatters, one White House aide acknowledged that Trump “really needs a win right now,” and that he was en route to Arby’s.
This next report is in response to this part of Michael Cohen's opening statement on 2/27/19: "I am providing the Committee today with several documents. These include...Copies of letters I wrote at Mr. Trump's direction that threatened his high school, colleges, and the College Board not to release his grades or SAT scores."
2/28/19 Mueller Says He Has Obtained Trump’s SAT Scores
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The special counsel’s office has obtained Donald J. Trump’s long-suppressed SAT scores, Robert Mueller confirmed on Thursday.
After the SAT results were retrieved, a forensics lab examined the microscopic scores and positively identified them as Trump’s, the special counsel explained.
Mueller said that he did not seek Trump’s SAT scores because he thought that they would have any bearing on his investigation of Russian meddling in the 2016 election. “My team has been putting in long hours and working very, very hard,” he said. “I just thought they deserved a good laugh.”
Although he refused to divulge Trump’s exact SAT scores, Mueller hinted that they did reflect well on Trump in one respect. “From these SATs, it’s evident that he did not cheat off anyone else’s paper,” he said.
2/23/19 Rosie O’Donnell Chosen to Read Audiobook of Mueller Report
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The comedian Rosie O’Donnell will narrate the audiobook of Robert Mueller’s long-awaited report, the special counsel’s office confirmed on Saturday.
Explaining the selection of O’Donnell, a spokesperson for Mueller said, “Donald Trump has complained about how much this report has cost, and Rosie has agreed to narrate it for free. In fact, she offered to pay us to let her narrate it.”
Speaking to reporters, O’Donnell called the job of narrating Mueller’s report “the acting job of a lifetime.”
“I never thought I’d get the chance to play so many twisted characters,” she said. “I mean, when else am I going to get to be both Ivanka and Jared? People are gonna freaking love listening to this in the car.”
She said that she fully expected Trump to be one of those listeners. “He’s not a big reader, that’s for sure,” she said. “And I think it’s best that he hear what’s in the report from me.”
Click here for news of when Mueller Report might be submitted.
2/20/19 Bezos Says Amazon Drones Ready to Deliver Mueller Report to Every American Household
SEATTLE (The Borowitz Report)—Amazon drones stand “ready and waiting” to deliver copies of Robert Mueller’s official report, free of charge, to every American household as early as next week, the Amazon founder, Jeff Bezos, confirmed on Wednesday.
According to Bezos, Amazon has been planning the Mueller delivery mission for months, quietly building its drone fleet from a meagre two hundred to well over three million.
“Amazon will be doing same-day delivery of Mueller’s report the day it is released, free of charge, to both Prime and non-Prime households,” Bezos said. “This is our way of giving something back.”
News of the offer sent the Mueller report zooming to No. 1 on Amazon’s best-seller list within minutes.
According to the Amazon site, customers who shopped for the Mueller report also shopped for “Crime and Punishment,” by Fyodor Dostoyevsky.
2/19/19 Dukakis Announces 2020 Bid: “Everyone Else Is”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The former Massachusetts governor Michael Dukakis announced on Tuesday morning that he would seek the Democratic nomination for President, declaring, “Everyone else is.”
Explaining his rationale for running, the 1988 Democratic Presidential nominee told reporters, “As everyone else started jumping into the race, I started feeling a little left out.”
Additionally, Dukakis explained, “People have been stopping me on the street and saying that they thought I was already running. So, whatever.”
The former standard-bearer said that before he threw his hat in the ring he paid a courtesy call to the 1984 Democratic nominee, Walter Mondale, to see if he was planning to run.
“I wouldn’t get into the race if Walter was going to do it,” Dukakis said. “This could be his year.”
Mapping out his campaign strategy, Dukakis said that he hoped to offer himself as an alternative to the former senator Gary Hart, who also entered the race today.
2/14/19 Jeff Bezos Chooses Soon-to-Be Bankrupt Mar-a-Lago as New Amazon Headquarters
SEATTLE (The Borowitz Report)—Stating that he expected the property to be “bankrupt and vacant within the next two years,” Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, announced on Thursday that the Mar-a-Lago club, in Palm Beach, Florida, would be the site of Amazon’s second headquarters.
Bezos said that Mar-a-Lago was chosen from a list of soon-to-be-bankrupt properties, including the Trump National Golf Club Bedminster, Trump Turnberry, and the Trump International Hotel and Tower in Baku, Azerbaijan.
The Amazon C.E.O. said that, after Amazon acquires Mar-a-Lago, the company will start working around the clock to remove the property’s hideous décor, which he fears could prove distracting to warehouse employees.
At Mar-a-Lago, a longtime employee, who spoke on condition of anonymity, welcomed the Amazon move, stating, “This is one of the only places in the world where workplace conditions would improve if Amazon came in.”
Another Mar-a-Lago employee, raising a question shared by many others, asked, “Does this mean we’ll start getting paid?”
If the Mar-a-Lago deal goes through, it would mark the first appearance of books in that location, Amazon confirmed.
2/13/19 El Chapo Says He Is Victim of Phony Witch Hunt
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In his first interview since being found guilty on all counts in his U.S. trial, the Mexican drug lord Joaquín (El Chapo) Guzmán called himself the victim of a “phony witch hunt.”
The former cartel leader made his blistering comments in a phone call to the television program “Fox & Friends,” whose hosts appeared surprised that he had somehow gained access to a phone and was able to get through to them.
“It was a phony witch hunt,” El Chapo said, of his trial. “It was a phony, rigged witch hunt, and the charges against me were fake news and a disgrace.”
Questioned whether he had worked in concert with other drug lords to bring narcotics into the United States, El Chapo said, “There was no collusion. And there was no evidence of collusion, because there was no collusion.”
But the former drug kingpin reserved his harshest words for the F.B.I. and its former director James Comey.
“Lying and leaking Jim Comey is a showboat and a disaster,” he said.
Asked to give his impression of the American justice system, El Chapo said, “I think it’s very bad when someone like me, who is running a business and creating jobs and helping the economy, is harassed and treated unfairly. I think it’s a disgrace and, frankly, very sad.”
Click for the real news on this next one.
2/7/19 Republicans Blast Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s Sour Expression During State of the Union Address
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s facial expression during the State of the Union address came under continued attack from Republicans on Thursday, with the former House Speaker John Boehner joining the chorus of disapproval.
“When I saw her with that pained expression on her face, I couldn’t believe my eyes,” Boehner said. “It was like nothing I had ever seen before in my life.”
The former Speaker said that Ocasio-Cortez broke his “No. 1 rule” of reacting to a State of the Union speech: “No matter what the President is saying, be sure to look cheerful and upbeat at all times.”
“I didn’t always agree with what President Obama had to say over the years, but I always kept a smile on my face,” he said. “I think if the congresswoman went back and looked at video of me and my fellow-Republicans during the Obama speeches, she could learn a lot about maintaining a non-stop happy facial expression.”
Boehner said that he considered Ocasio-Cortez’s facial expressions “a rookie mistake” and offered her a piece of helpful advice. “Darlin’, take it from old man Boehner—you can catch more bees with honey than with vinegar,” he chuckled.
2/5/19 Pence Begs Trump Not to Make Him Sit Next to Woman at State of the Union
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Vice-President Mike Pence has begged Donald J. Trump not to make him sit next to a woman during Tuesday night’s State of the Union address, sources confirmed on Monday.
According to those sources, an emotional Pence came close to breaking down in tears as he explained that being seated next to a woman other than his wife was a violation of his personal code of behavior.
Pence offered Trump a variety of solutions to the problem, including introducing a third chair between him and the woman where his wife, Karen Pence, could be seated for the duration of the speech, “to make sure that that woman doesn’t try anything.”
“Let Mother sit next to me, or let me sit on Mother’s lap, but don’t make me sit next to that woman alone,” Pence reportedly sobbed.
According to those with knowledge about the meeting, Trump was less than receptive to Pence’s impassioned plea. “God, Mike, you’re such a loser,” he reportedly said.
2/4/19 Americans Relieved to Learn That Trump Spends Sixty Per Cent of Time Not Using Powers as President
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A leak of Donald J. Trump’s official White House schedule has left millions of Americans deeply relieved that Trump spends approximately sixty per cent of each day not using his powers as President.
In conversations across the country, Americans called the revelation that Trump devotes the majority of his day to “executive time,” a euphemism for watching TV and checking Twitter, the most reassuring news out of the White House in months.
“Like most of the people I know, the idea of Donald Trump sitting behind his desk doing things that affect the country has me in a state of mortal terror,” Carol Foyler, a resident of Minneapolis, said. “Just knowing that he’s spending sixty per cent of his time doing basically nothing makes me feel somewhat better.”
Harland Dorrinson, who lives in Detroit, agreed that it was “great news that Trump is only President forty per cent of the time” but called on the entertainment industry to create more diverting programming that might distract Trump for a larger portion of his day. “It would be fantastic if we could push the sixty per cent of his day that he does nothing up to seventy or even eighty per cent,” he said. “Maybe someone could come up with a podcast that he could get into.”
But Tracy Klugian, a Baltimore resident, said that the leak of Trump’s schedule did little to allay her darkest fears. “Until I find out that he’s spending a hundred per cent of his time not being President, I won’t sleep at night,” she said.
2/1/19 Eris, Greek Goddess of Chaos, Confirms That She Wanted Trump to Be President
MT. OLYMPUS (The Borowitz Report)—Partially confirming Sarah Huckabee Sanders’s theory of divine intervention in the 2016 election, Eris, the Greek goddess of chaos, discord, and strife, revealed on Friday that she had wanted Donald J. Trump to be President.
Speaking from her temple on Mt. Olympus, the usually reclusive deity said that Trump was “far and away” her first choice to be President in 2016.
“I’d been following his career for years,” the goddess of disorder and ruin said. “The bankruptcies, the business failures. There was a lot for me to love.”
She complained that the media had given Vladimir Putin “way too much credit” for Trump’s ascent, asserting, “Who do you think made Putin President of Russia?”
Looking ahead to the 2020 election, Eris said that she was officially undecided about which candidate to back for President, but that she was leaning toward Howard Schultz. “What a shit show that would be,” she said.
There are tons of articles online about Trump coming out against Intelligence Officials.
1/20/19 Trump Comes Out Strongly Against Intelligence
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Using some of his harshest rhetoric in recent memory, President Donald J. Trump came out strongly against intelligence on Wednesday morning.
“I’ve listened to these people with so-called intelligence go on and on, and, quite frankly, it’s a waste of time,” he said. “I know a lot more than people with intelligence do.”
Trump added that he has stopped receiving intelligence briefings at the White House, arguing, “I can do my job without any intelligence whatsoever.”
He said that he has chosen, instead, to seek advice from his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, and from his elder children, Ivanka, Eric, and Donald, Jr. “You won’t find a trace of intelligence in anything they say,” he boasted.
At a briefing for the White House press corps, the President’s press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, denied that Trump’s war on intelligence was a new development. “Intelligence has never played a role in Donald Trump’s life,” she said.
Below is a report from 2014 relevant to weather the end of Jan 2019 in parts of the USA:
1/6/14 Polar Vortex Causes Hundreds of Injuries as People Making Snide Remarks About Climate Change Are Punched in Face
MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—The so-called polar vortex caused hundreds of injuries across the Midwest today, as people who said “so much for global warming” and similar comments were punched in the face.
Authorities in several states said that residents who had made ignorant comments erroneously citing the brutally cold temperatures as proof that climate change did not exist were reporting a sharp increase in injuries to the face and head regions.
In an emergency room in St. Paul, Harland Dorrinson, forty-one, was waiting to be treated for bruising to the facial area after he made a crack about how the below-freezing temperatures meant that climate-change activists were full of shit.
“I’d just finished saying it and boom, out of nowhere someone punched me in the face,” he said. “This polar vortex is really dangerous.”
The meteorology professor Davis Logsdon, of the University of Minnesota, issued a safety warning to residents of the states hammered by the historic low temperatures: “If you are living within the range of the polar vortex and you have something idiotic to say about climate change, do not leave your house.”
And, yes, it's true Roger Stone has a tattoo of Nixon's face on his back!
1/28/19 In Ominous Development for Trump, Roger Stone Gets Mueller Tattoo
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a potentially worrisome development for the White House, Donald Trump’s longtime political adviser Roger Stone spent the weekend getting a tattoo of the special counsel, Robert Mueller, on his back.
Minutes after being released on bail, Stone was reportedly driven to a tattoo-removal specialist in Jersey City, who spent nine hours removing his notorious back tattoo of Richard Nixon to make room for the newly minted Mueller tat.
News of Stone’s Mueller tattoo sent a wave of panic through the White House, where top aides attempted to predict what the tattoo portended for Stone’s loyalty to Trump going forward.
For his part, Stone downplayed the significance of the tattoo as he stripped off his shirt to display it for reporters. “I will have no comment at this time, other than to say that Robert Mueller is a kind, fair, and extremely handsome man,” Stone said.
1/25/19 Trump Furious That F.B.I. Not Stopped by Shutdown
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A furious Donald Trump told reporters on Friday morning that it was “a total disgrace” that the Federal Bureau of Investigation had apparently not been affected by the government shutdown.
Trump, who appeared agitated and was gripping his television remote as he spoke on the White House lawn, said that he had been under the impression that F.B.I. agents had been furloughed and were not going to work.
“You have people across the country, in national parks and places like that, who are not at work, and somehow the F.B.I. is working around the clock?” Trump said. “I think it’s a total disgrace. It’s a sick situation.”
Trump said that he would call an emergency meeting of his Cabinet to “get some answers” about why the F.B.I. was working during the shutdown.
“Let’s say you were trying to leave the country in a hurry with your family—would the F.B.I. be at the airport to stop you?” he asked. “What good is this shutdown, anyway?”
1/24/19 Dems Agree to Fund Wall and Reopen Government If Trump Leaves Country Forever
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a bold initiative aimed at ending the shutdown, congressional Democrats on Thursday agreed to fund a border wall and reopen the government if Donald Trump leaves the country forever.
Calling the deal “a huge win for America,” the Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, said that Trump would get the wall he wanted plus the opportunity to do something “incredibly patriotic” for his country.
Pelosi brushed aside criticism of the offer’s 5.7-billion-dollar price tag, telling reporters, “When you consider what we are getting in return, nine trillion dollars would be a bargain.”
But, even as Pelosi touted the offer, some details remained unresolved, such as finding a country willing to accept Trump.
Although Russia has a practice of providing country houses to former leaders such as Nikita Khrushchev and Boris Yeltsin, it is unclear whether Trump’s two years of service to the Kremlin qualify him for such accommodations.
The White House offered no official response to the Democrats’ offer, but Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani gave it a full-throated endorsement during an appearance on CNN.
“He should absolutely take this deal,” Giuliani said. “I mean, if he stays in the country, he’s probably going to prison.”
Click here for the real news prompting this next report.
1/23/19 Huge Coward Bans Courageous People from Military
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—One of the nation’s most prominent cowards achieved his long-standing goal of banning courageous people from serving in the military, the coward confirmed on Tuesday.
The coward, who avoided serving in the military no fewer than five times, told reporters that he had specifically targeted courageous people “because they make people like me look bad.”
“I know what they’re up to—enlisting in the military so that people like me look like spineless losers,” the coward said. “Well, if they think they’re going to get away with bravely serving their country, they better think again.”
The coward said that he was “surprised, frankly” at the howls of outrage his banning of valiant people from the military had sparked.
“If someone had banned me from the military back in the sixties, I wouldn’t have had to get a phony note from a podiatrist,” he said.
Click Here for news prompting this next report.
1/22/19 Ann Coulter Demands to Deliver State of the Union Address
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In blistering remarks aimed at House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, Ann Coulter demanded on Tuesday that she be allowed to deliver the 2019 State of the Union address.
“Nancy Pelosi should stop playing politics with the State of the Union,” Coulter told reporters. “Tradition dictates that I deliver that speech next week, and I intend to do just that.”
The conservative pundit scoffed at congressional Democrats’ condition that she reopen the government before being able to deliver the State of the Union.
“Clearly, since becoming Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi has let power go to her head,” Coulter said.
Coulter indicated that she would use the State of the Union to speak to the American people not only about the border wall but also about her plans for the economy, trade, and America’s role in NATO.
“The American people have put tremendous faith in me,” she said. “I am not about to let Nancy Pelosi stop me from doing the job I was elected to do.”
1/17/19 Trump Offers Pelosi $130,000 to Keep Quiet
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an indication that he has reached his breaking point with the Speaker of the House, Donald J. Trump is offering a hundred and thirty thousand dollars to keep Nancy Pelosi quiet, White House aides confirmed on Thursday.
According to those aides, Trump floated the idea of a six-figure payment to silence Pelosi during a closed-door meeting on Wednesday night, in which he asserted that he had done “a million of these deals.”
Trump’s effort to mute Pelosi faces a number of obstacles, however, including the fact that the person who has crafted such agreements for Trump in the past, Michael Cohen, is not available to perform such a service now.
Additionally, any agreement to silence Pelosi could face constitutional hurdles, since one of Pelosi’s principal duties as Speaker is to speak.
At the Capitol, Pelosi said that she would reject Trump’s proposed payment and added that she would offer him no money whatsoever to prevent him from delivering this year’s State of the Union address.
“I am asking for an hour of silence from Donald Trump, and you can’t put a price tag on that,” she said.
1/14/19 Study: Most Innocent People Need to Hire Thirty-Five Lawyers at Some Point
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Most people who are innocent of any crimes will still need to hire thirty-five lawyers at some point, a new study shows.
According to the study, commissioned by the University of Minnesota Law School, thirty-five is the “bare minimum” number of lawyers that an innocent person should have on retainer in the event that he or she becomes the subject of an entirely unjustified criminal investigation.
“We found that many innocent people are going through life without taking the basic precaution of hiring thirty-five lawyers,” Professor Davis Logsdon, who supervised the study, said. “They are flirting with disaster.”
“An innocent person who has absolutely nothing to hide should do everything in his or her power to avoid answering questions from investigators,” he said. “Thirty-five lawyers can really help you do that.”
Additionally, Logsdon noted, hiring nearly three dozen lawyers is invaluable because of the powerful statement it makes. “Nothing says ‘I’m innocent’ like hiring thirty-five lawyers,” he said.
Although some innocent people may balk at the unwieldy number of lawyers that the study recommends, Logsdon emphasized that thirty-five lawyers provide necessary protection against unforeseen legal complications. “If, for example, one of your lawyers goes to prison, you will still have thirty-four,” he said.
Logsdon acknowledged that, although every innocent person should definitely hire thirty-five lawyers, such legal help does not come cheap. “Legal bills for thirty-five lawyers can be very expensive, unless you’re a person who doesn’t pay his bills,” he said.
1/10/19 Kavanaugh Offers to Pay for Wall by Recycling His Empties
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a bid to end the government shutdown, Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh said on Thursday that he would recycle his empties to pay for a wall with Mexico.
Speaking to reporters from his office at the Court, Kavanaugh said that the inspiration came to him while he was building a beer-can pyramid in his basement rec room on Wednesday night.
“I was in my man cave, building this rad beer pyramid, and I was, like, I bet if I recycled all the beer cans down here plus the ones out in the garage, I’d have enough to pay for that freaking wall,” the Supreme Court Justice said.
He added that he started calling a number of his friends from Georgetown Prep to see if they would contribute their empties to the effort, and found that they were “totally stoked” about the idea.
“P.J., Tobin, and Squee are all in,” he said. “This wall is gonna freaking rule.”
1/8/19 MSNBC to Air Obama’s 2004 Convention Speech During Trump’s Address to Nation
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—MSNBC will preëmpt Donald Trump’s national address on Tuesday night by airing Barack Obama’s keynote address at the 2004 Democratic National Convention, network officials have confirmed.
Harland Dorrinson, an MSNBC spokesperson, said that the network elected to air the Obama speech “in order to best serve our audience.”
“Based on the data gathered by our research department, the number of MSNBC viewers who were planning to watch the Trump speech was approximately zero,” Dorrinson said. “This seemed like a better way to go.”
Since the Obama speech has a running time of only sixteen minutes, MSNBC plans to air it “over and over” until Trump has finished talking, Dorrinson said. “We’ll air it all night if we have to,” he said.
The network spokesperson said that the White House had contacted MSNBC to argue that the network could not preëmpt a national address by Trump. “We had three words for them,” he said. “Yes, we can.”
1/7/19 Trump Offers to Station Pence at Border with Binoculars in Lieu of Wall
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an unexpected breakthrough that could end the government shutdown, President Donald Trump has backed down from his demand for a wall and offered instead to post Vice-President Mike Pence at the border with big binoculars.
According to the White House, Pence’s mission at the border will alternate between keeping an eye out for potential intruders and glaring menacingly into the distance.
At a press conference announcing the development, Pence appeared to embrace his new role as the nation’s first line of defense against illegal immigration.
“If anyone wants to sneak into the United States, why, lordy, they’ll have to get past Mike Pence first,” he said.
The White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, denied that stationing Pence at the border represented a concession on Trump’s part and claimed that the Vice-President was “just as good as a wall.”
“If anyone can take the place of an inanimate object, it’s Mike Pence,” she said.
1/5/19 Pelosi Says She Will Skip Trump and Negotiate Directly with Putin
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a bold gambit to end the government shutdown, the House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi, said on Saturday that she would bypass Donald J. Trump and negotiate directly with the Russian President, Vladimir Putin.
“I owe it to the American people to bring this shutdown to the swiftest possible conclusion, and so I’m avoiding the middleman,” she said.
Pelosi, who is scheduled to board a plane to Moscow Saturday night, said that she had not informed Trump of her plans to deal directly with Putin. “Whatever,” she said.
In an official statement, Putin said that he welcomed Pelosi’s overture and shared her desire to end the shutdown. “At some point, I’d like to visit Yellowstone,” he said.
12/20/18 Trump Named Man of the Year by ISIS
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Capping an extraordinary 2018, Donald J. Trump announced on Thursday that he had been named Man of the Year by the terrorist organization known as ISIS.
Trump made the announcement after receiving the news from the leader of ISIS, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, whom Trump called “a terrific, fabulous guy.”
“I got along great with him, and he said a lot of nice things about me,” Trump said. “He said ISIS didn’t even consider anyone else.”
Trump, who is expecting to receive an official Man of the Year plaque from ISIS in the next few weeks, said that the award “came as a total surprise to me.”
“It’s a particularly impressive honor when you consider ISIS was co-founded by Hillary and Obama,” he said.
12/17/18 Cabinet Warns Trump That Shutting Down Government Would Make It Harder to Steal From
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a tense meeting on Monday, leading Cabinet members warned Donald J. Trump that shutting down the federal government would make it exponentially harder for them to steal from.
Led by his Treasury Secretary, Steven Mnuchin, the Cabinet members begged Trump to prevent a government showdown that would bring their brazen spree of pillaging the nation’s coffers to a screeching halt.
“Mr. President, with the federal government up and running, I was able to take seven trips on military aircraft at a cost of eight hundred thousand dollars,” Mnuchin said. “I implore you, sir: don’t make me fly coach.”
Trump’s three oldest children, Ivanka, Eric, and Don, Jr., who have piled up impressive taxpayer-funded travel bills of their own, chimed in with an emotional plea to their father. “Daddy, please don’t make us stop plundering government money,” Ivanka said. “Not right before Christmas.”
The normally taciturn Housing and Urban Development Secretary, Ben Carson, also spoke up, warning that a government shutdown would make it impossible for him to accessorize his thirty-one-thousand-dollar dining-room set by purchasing seven-thousand-dollar place mats. “I’d really like those,” he said.
According to Kellyanne Conway, the counsellor to the President, the emotional Cabinet meeting had a profound impact on Trump. “For the first time he saw how a government shutdown would hurt people,” Conway said.
12/11/18 Trump Suddenly Expresses Deep Concern About Conditions in Nation’s Prisons
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a sudden departure from his previous views on incarceration, Donald J. Trump said on Monday that he was “very, very concerned” about conditions in the nation’s prisons.
“These are very, very bad places,” Trump told reporters. “These are not places you would want to be.”
Trump criticized the “total lack of amenities” in the country’s federal penitentiaries, calling those prisons “a disgrace.”
“If you are locked up in one of those places, there is no TV in your cell,” he said. “And good luck getting a Diet Coke. You can yell and yell and no one will go get you one. It’s a very sad, very sick situation.”
In addition to blasting the conditions inside the nation’s prisons, Trump also questioned whether “putting someone in jail for one or two felonies serves any purpose.”
“I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately,” he said. “Prison solves nothing.”
12/10/18 Trump Names TV Remote New Chief of Staff
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Having been turned down by several previous choices for the job, Donald J. Trump broke with tradition on Monday by picking his television remote to be his new chief of staff.
While some in Washington wondered whether an inanimate object was up to the rigors of working for the mercurial Trump, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, defended the unorthodox selection. “The President and the remote have demonstrated an excellent ability to work together, often for ten or twelve hours a day,” Sanders said.
But even as the White House touted the remote’s qualifications, its tenure as chief of staff appeared to get off to a rocky start on Monday morning.
After the remote got stuck and failed to change the channel when CNN’s Jim Acosta appeared on the television screen, Trump reportedly threw his new chief of staff across the room, narrowly missing Mike Pence’s head.
“I’ll be surprised if the remote makes it through the year,” a White House source said.
12/9/18 John Kelly Departs White House with Nuclear Codes Hidden in Pants (check out photo below)
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The outgoing chief of staff, John Kelly, departed the White House with the nation’s nuclear codes hidden in his pants, General Kelly has confirmed.
Kelly, whose illustrious military career spanned five decades, called his absconding with the nuclear codes “my greatest act of service to my country.”
Speaking to reporters from his home, Kelly said that he had planned the heist of the nation’s nuclear codes with the pinpoint timing of a clandestine military mission.
“I went into the Oval Office on Friday when I knew Trump would be distracted because ‘Fox & Friends’ was on,” he said. “Then, when he started tweeting something that one of the hosts told him to do, I slipped the codes into my pants, as quick as lightning.”
Kelly revealed that, in order to prevent Trump from retrieving the codes, he was keeping them in his pants for safekeeping.
“Let’s see that draft-dodging coward try to get them off me,” he said, his eyes gleaming with malice.
12/7/18 Heather Nauert Says Visit to “It’s a Small World” Ride Qualifies Her For U.N. Job
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Pushing back against criticism of her lack of diplomatic experience, Donald J. Trump’s choice to be the next United States Ambassador to the United Nations, Heather Nauert, said on Friday that a memorable visit to the “It’s a Small World” ride at Disney World made her eminently qualified for the U.N. post.
“When people look at me, they think Heather Nauert, former Fox News anchor,” Nauert told reporters at the State Department. “What they don’t realize is I’m also Heather Nauert, who went on ‘It’s a Small World’ three times when she was nine.”
Nauert said that, while career diplomats might spend twenty to thirty years learning about only one country, “I learned about twenty-five countries in fifteen minutes.”
Laying out her objectives for her tenure at the United Nations, the prospective Ambassador said, “Right now I’m just looking forward to seeing all of the other Ambassadors wearing their festive costumes and doing their dances. That’s going to be amazing, I think.”
Nauert bristled when a reporter asked about her controversial comment that D Day was evidence of the long-standing bond between Germany and the United States. “At the end of the day, there is just one moon and one golden sun, and a smile means friendship to everyone,” she said.
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12/4/18 Iraq Offers to Help Establish Democracy in North Carolina
BAGHDAD (The Borowitz Report)—The government of Iraq announced on Tuesday that it would seek to build an international coalition to establish democracy in the state of North Carolina.
Speaking to reporters in Baghdad, the Iraqi President, Barham Salih, said that Iraq had reached out to regional powers including Canada and Mexico to launch a military invasion of North Carolina’s Ninth Congressional District to “protect the North Carolinians’ right to self-determination.”
While many in the international community commended Salih’s desire to bring democracy to North Carolina, some critics warned that the effort could wind up destabilizing other American states.
“If North Carolina gets democracy, it’s only a matter of time before the people of Wisconsin, Georgia, and other failed states demand it as well,” Muqtada al-Sadr, the Iraqi politician and cleric, said. “Iraq could find itself in a quagmire with no exit strategy.”
Brushing aside such concerns, President Salih said that his international coalition could send troops to N.C.-9 as early as next week.
“We will be greeted as liberators,” he predicted.
12/1/18 G-20 Leaders Vote Unanimously Not to Give Trump Asylum
BUENOS AIRES (The Borowitz Report)—In an unusual display of unity by an often fractious organization, the leaders of the G-20 nations voted unanimously on Saturday to deny Donald J. Trump’s urgent request for asylum.
Prior to the vote, Trump had been heard asking colleagues ranging from Angela Merkel to Xi Jinping for safe harbor in their countries, sweetening his request with offers of free luxury penthouses in Trump buildings around the globe.
In the most stunning insult to Trump, his closest allies, Vladimir Putin and Mohammed bin Salman, responded to his asylum request by laughing uproariously in his face and high-fiving each other.
After the resolution to deny Trump asylum passed by a 19–0 vote, international observers said that they had never seen the G-20 act with such enthusiastic solidarity. “Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron were practically peeing themselves,” one observer said.
After receiving the resounding rebuke from the G-20, Trump grumpily withdrew to his hotel room, where he reportedly placed several calls to Kim Jong Un that went straight to voice mail.
Click for Papadopoulos news regarding going to federal prison camp, and his twitter comment.
11/26/18 Mueller Offers Cyber Monday Plea Deals
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Robert Mueller’s announcement that he would be offering Cyber Monday plea deals touched off hysteria among disgraced Trump associates desperate for the chance to score a drastically reduced sentence.
Moments after the office of the special counsel went live with its Cyber Monday Web site, Sing4Bob.com, thousands of Trump cronies flooded it with traffic, causing the site to briefly crash.
Harland Dorrinson, the member of Mueller’s team who masterminded the Cyber Monday sale, said that the special counsel was offering a limited number of “prison doorbusters,” with sentences up to seventy-five per cent off.
“I’m not surprised that people are going crazy for these bargains,” Dorrinson said. “Otherwise, you could go to trial and face one of those Obama judges.”
He said that Mueller’s Cyber Monday sale was benefitting from a piece of fortuitous timing, since it was being held on the same day that the former Trump campaign adviser George Papadopoulos was scheduled to report to prison for a two-week sentence.
“Everyone who goes on the site is looking for a Papadopoulos special,” he said. “Those were all gone in the first five minutes.”
Click here for the snopes info verifying this ad for Trumpy Bear (are they serious???!!) is REAL and NOT a parody. It has been running on Fox News. You'd swear it was a Saturday Night Live fake ad.
Click here for Saturday Night Live's farewell to Jeff Sessions bit on 9/10/18. It does not disappoint!
11/12/18 Trump Warns That Florida Recount Could Set Dangerous Precedent of Person with Most Votes Winning
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling for an “immediate end” to the recount in Florida, Donald J. Trump warned on Monday that it could set a dangerous precedent of the person with the most votes winning.
Speaking to reporters at the White House, Trump said that those in favor of the recount had a “sick obsession with finding out which candidate got the most votes.”
“Democrats are going on and on about counting every last vote until they find out who got the most,” Trump said. “Since when does getting the most votes mean you win?”
Trump said that, if the recounts are allowed to proceed, “We could be looking at a very bad, very sad situation where to be considered legitimately elected you have to get more votes than the other candidate.”
Having just returned from the Armistice commemoration in Paris, Trump said that Florida’s recount has made America “the laughingstock of the world,” adding, “Putin told me they never do recounts in Russia.”
11/7/18 (9:13 am) Unskilled Wisconsin Man Unable to Keep Job
MADISON, WISCONSIN (The Borowitz Report)—A Wisconsin man with no marketable skills was unable to keep his job on Tuesday night, sources close to the man have confirmed.
The man, Scott Walker, had been an employee of Koch Industries since 2010 until he was unceremoniously dismissed.
“No one likes to lose his job, but, really, Scott has nothing to complain about,” one source said. “When you have no useful skills whatsoever but you manage to hang onto a job for eight years, that’s a pretty good run.”
Although Walker faces a job market that will be daunting for a man with only rudimentary literacy and scant understanding of math, a spokesperson for Wisconsin’s teachers said that they stand “ready and willing” to give him the education he so sorely needs.
“As teachers, we see it as our duty to educate all of Wisconsin’s students, even super challenging ones like Scott Walker,” the spokesperson said.
11/7/18 (2:31 pm) Trump Unable to Stop Caravan of Democratic Women Invading Washington
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump warned on Wednesday that a caravan of Democratic women was heading toward Washington, D.C., with the explicit goal of invading the nation’s capital.
Speaking at a press conference at the White House, Trump acknowledged that he had failed in his bid to stop the caravan, which is on schedule to arrive in Washington on January 3, 2019.
“The Democrats are responsible for sending this caravan, and, frankly, it’s a disgrace,” he said. “They are sending some dangerous women.”
Elaborating on the threat posed by the caravan, Trump said, “Some of these women have fought in wars. They have fired guns. One of them is a mixed-martial-arts specialist. These are women who will kick your ass without hesitating.”
Trump denied that he was irresponsibly stoking fears about the caravan of females. “Every Republican in Washington should be scared shitless of these women,” he said. “I know I am.”
11/6/18 Putin Loses Control of the House
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “the biggest disappointment of my political career,” Vladimir Putin conceded late Tuesday night that he had lost control of the United States House of Representatives.
Putin made his concession speech from the Kremlin, where he congratulated the Democrats for waging a “tough fight.”
“Maybe if Facebook and Twitter hadn’t banned so many of my fake accounts, the results would have been different,” Putin said. “But I don’t want to make excuses—I threw everything I had at these races, and I lost.”
Putin did, however, have harsh words for Donald Trump, who opted for a fear-mongering closing argument about immigration despite the Russian President’s objections.
“I warned him that that would kill us in the suburbs, and he ignored me,” Putin said. “I hope this teaches him never to disobey my orders again.”
Click for more satire: Saturday Night Live's 11/3/18 Midterm Ad.
11/5/18 (2:30 pm EDT) Midterm Elections Inspire Historic Levels of Early Drinking
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a seismic shift from earlier midterm elections, the 2018 midterms have inspired the highest levels of early drinking in modern history, a new study shows.
According to the study, which was conducted by the University of Minnesota, millions of Americans who would normally start drinking on the night of the midterms took advantage of early drinking and began consuming alcohol days and, in some cases, weeks or months before November 6th.
“We knew that there would be some early drinking, but the magnitude of that drinking is taking even experts by surprise,” Dr. Davis Logsdon, the author of the study, said. “To put it in terms that the layman can understand, we are seeing drinking that is off the Kavanaugh chart.”
Democrats have overwhelmed Republicans in the early drinking tallies, but Logsdon warned against “reading too much into” that disparity.
“Many Democrats started their early drinking on November 8, 2016,” he said. “Two years’ worth of early and in some cases heavy drinking is skewing their numbers much higher.”
Bonus Satire video-- a little Gilbert & Sullivan
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11/5/18 (9:30 am EDT) Trump Warns That Democrats Would Drag Nation Back to Days of Tolerance and Decorum
CHATTANOOGA (The Borowitz Report)—Employing the fear tactics that have typified his midterm campaigning, Donald J. Trump told a rally audience on Sunday that electing Democrats would drag the nation back to the dark days of tolerance and decorum.
Trump made his closing argument to the Chattanooga, Tennessee, audience by raising the spectre of a return to the dignified and restrained discourse that plagued the nation during the regime of his predecessor, Barack Obama.
“We had eight years of talking about people of different genders, races, and nationalities as if they were human beings,” Trump warned. “Do we want to go back to that?”
“No!” the crowd shouted.
“Do we want our public figures to consider the consequences of their words and actions?” he asked.
“No!” they thundered.
Appearing on Fox News, Vice-President Mike Pence defended Trump against charges that he was irresponsibly stoking his supporters’ worst fears about a return to compassion and civility.
“This election is about whether we, as a nation, want to move forward or backward,” Pence said. “And I have faith that the American people want to keep moving backward.”
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11/4/18 Trump Now Says If Migrants Throw Rocks Military Will Respond with Paper or Scissors
PENSACOLA, FLORIDA (The Borowitz Report)—Backtracking from his earlier suggestion that the military should fire upon migrants if they throw rocks, Donald J. Trump said on Saturday that he was ordering the military to respond to rocks with either paper or scissors.
Speaking at a rally in Pensacola, Florida, Trump said that the decision about whether to use paper or scissors to retaliate against rocks would ultimately be left up to military commanders at the border.
“If rocks come flying at them, they should go ‘paper, scissors’ until they have an answer,” Trump said.
He issued a stern warning to the migrants approaching the border, telling them, “The United States military sees your rocks and is raising you paper or scissors.”
At the Pentagon, Defense Secretary James Mattis insisted that Trump’s latest order was “not a stunt” but refused to answer how the military would come up with fifteen thousand pairs of scissors on such short notice.
11/1/18 Americans Would Feel Safer If a Huge Caravan of Angry White Men Left the Country
MINNESOTA (The Borowitz Report)—A vast majority of Americans would feel significantly safer if an enormous caravan consisting of angry white men left the country, a new poll indicates.
The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, suggests that the concept of an angry-white-male caravan could be the most wildly popular policy proposal in the run-up to Tuesday’s midterm elections.
In an indication of just how much support the proposal has, many Americans said that they would personally contribute gas money to help get the caravan on its way.
Despite the popularity of the caravan, however, there was disagreement over what the optimal number of angry white men to depart with it would be, with some suggesting a figure of twenty thousand and others preferring a number as high as forty million.
Additionally, the implementation of such a caravan could face major obstacles; the survey indicates that both Mexican and Canadian voters overwhelmingly oppose any influx whatsoever of angry white American males.
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10/30/18 Trump Strips Citizenship from Children of Immigrants, Thus Disqualifying Himself from Presidency
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump on Tuesday signed an executive order stripping the children of immigrant mothers of their citizenship, thus disqualifying himself from being President of the United States.
The constitutional crisis came to light moments after the signing ceremony, when a fourth grader visiting the Oval Office on a school tour pointed out the far-reaching legal ramifications of the order.
“Hey, wait, wasn’t your mother from Scotland?” the student, Tracy Klugian, asked. “That means you’re not a citizen and you can’t be President.”
Stephen Miller, a senior adviser to Trump and the author of the executive order, quickly grabbed the document from the Oval Office desk, panic spreading across his face as he reread it.
“Oh, my God,” Miller gasped. “What have I done?”
Trump immediately called Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh for help in voiding the executive order, but Kavanaugh was unable to take the call because he was “sleeping off a rough night,” an aide to the Justice said.
Asked to comment on Trump’s predicament, former President Barack Obama said, “I can’t imagine what it would be like not to be an American citizen. Of course, my mom was born here, so I’m good.”
10/29/18 Fox News Says Megyn Kelly’s Blackface Comments Not Racist Enough to Get Old Job Back
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—The chief executive officer of Fox News said on Monday that Megyn Kelly’s nostalgic remarks about blackface were insufficiently racist for the right-wing cable channel to consider rehiring her.
“We at Fox have nothing but respect for Megyn’s achievements as a racist television personality,” Suzanne Scott, the Fox News C.E.O., said. “Having said that, we do not feel that her blackface comments represent her best work.”
Scott expressed concern that, by trying to tone down her racism for the morning-television audience on NBC, Kelly might have “gotten a little rusty, hate-wise.”
“We want to make it clear, though, that the door will always be open to Megyn Kelly at Fox News Channel,” the C.E.O. said. “If she’d like to put together an audition tape of racist screeds and dog whistles, we’d be more than happy to look at it.”
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10/25/18 Spies Eavesdropping on Trump Complain He Is Speaking in Indecipherable Language
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Russian and Chinese spies who have been eavesdropping on Donald J. Trump’s unsecured iPhone calls complained on Thursday that he has foiled their efforts by speaking in a language that is infuriatingly indecipherable.
According to the spies, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, what they had hoped would be a treasure trove of valuable intercepts has amounted to little more than unintelligible gibberish.
“Trump has been communicating in an impenetrable code entirely of his own creation,” a Chinese spy said. “These phone calls might as well be triple-encrypted.”
A Russian spy who has monitored Trump’s calls around the clock said that the only words that could be identified clearly were “I” and “me,” but that they were used so frequently that they became virtually meaningless.
Both the Russians and the Chinese have given their top cryptologists the task of decoding Trump’s utterances, but many of these experts have quit within days, complaining of burnout, headaches, and depression.
“Trying to decipher Trump’s calls has reduced some of our top codebreakers to tears,” one Russian spymaster said. “They all miss Obama.”
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10/23/18 Saudi Crown Prince Freaks Out After Giuliani Offers to Go on TV and Explain What Happened
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The Saudi crown prince, Mohammed bin Salman, “totally freaked out” after Rudolph Giuliani offered to appear on television and explain “what really happened” inside the Saudi consulate in Istanbul, Giuliani has confirmed.
Giuliani told reporters on Tuesday that he phoned the crown prince to make “an extremely attractive offer of my services.”
“I told him, ‘I can get this whole thing wrapped up in two weeks—three, tops,’ ” Giuliani said. “ ‘Just say the word and Rudy Giuliani can be your official TV spokesman.’ ”
“I would just get out there and clear up a lot of the questions people have,” he said. “Whose idea was the body double? Who paid for the bone saw? Let’s just tell everybody everything. I would do an amazing job of that.”
According to White House sources, the crown prince abruptly hung up on the former New York mayor and immediately called Donald J. Trump to demand that Giuliani be detained indefinitely in the White House basement.
Giuliani said that he was “saddened” that the Saudi royal reacted so negatively to his offer. “I haven’t been on TV in a while,” he said. “I really miss it.”
10/18/18 Trump Dispatches Sarah Huckabee Sanders to Saudi Arabia to Provide Lying Advice
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump has dispatched the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, to Saudi Arabia to provide what the White House on Thursday called “essential lying advice and assistance.”
According to the counsellor to the President Kellyanne Conway, “The President was not happy with the quality of lies coming out of the Saudi royal family, and who better to fix that than Sarah Sanders?”
Sources close to Sanders said that the press secretary was “horrified” during her first meeting in Riyadh to discover that the crown prince’s lying skills were “rudimentary at best.”
“The absence of a free press in Saudi Arabia means that M.B.S.”—Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman—“has had virtually zero experience lying to reporters,” Sanders reportedly told one of her aides. “The learning curve is going to be steep.”
In perhaps her most withering comment on the state of the Saudis’ lying, Sanders said, “These clowns could never have gotten Kavanaugh confirmed.”
10/17/18 Putin Furious at Saudis for Using His Puppet Without Permission
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—The Russian President, Vladimir Putin, is “absolutely furious” at the Saudi royal family for using his puppet without first obtaining his permission, an aide to Putin confirmed on Wednesday.
According to the aide, who spoke on condition of anonymity, the Russian President has been “seething with anger” in recent days as he has observed the Saudis using his favorite puppet as if it were their own.
“At one point, Putin was watching the news and saw his puppet behaving in the kind of scraping, subservient manner toward the Saudis that he had previously reserved for him,” the aide said. “He pulled the TV out of the wall and hurled it across the room.”
According to diplomatic sources, the Saudis have reached out to Russia in the hopes of striking some sort of puppet-sharing agreement, but the enraged Russian President has refused to entertain such overtures.
“He’s my tiny puppet, and only I can make him dance,” Putin reportedly snapped.
10/16/18 DNA Test Reveals Donald Trump, Jr., Is Fifty Per Cent Idiot
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump, Jr., has taken a DNA test that reveals that he is “fifty-per-cent idiot,” Trump confirmed on Tuesday.
Speaking to reporters at a press conference in Trump Tower, Trump said that he had undergone the DNA testing “to silence all of the haters who have been saying I’m a total idiot.”
Crowing about the test results, Trump said, “According to this test, I am fifty-per-cent idiot, which is way less than half.”
Trump’s results drew a skeptical response from the scientific community, with many leading geneticists questioning the integrity of his DNA sample.
According to Davis Logsdon, a genetic scientist at the University of Minnesota, “Any test of Don, Jr., that comes back lower than ninety-per-cent idiot is going to set off alarm bells, scientifically speaking.”
Trump, Jr., first boasted about his test results on Twitter, where he misspelled “DNA.”
Click here for background about Melania's comment about bullying for this next report.
10/12/18 Sympathetic Voters Hope to End Melania’s Suffering in 2020
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—One day after Melania Trump pronounced herself “the most bullied person in the world,” millions of American voters vowed to put an end to her suffering in 2020.
In interviews across the country, sympathetic voters promised to do everything in their power to insure that, as of November, 2020, Melania would no longer be the target of the vicious bullying that has made her the most persecuted human on the planet.
“I never realized just how much she was suffering as First Lady,” Carol Foyler, a voter in Lansing, Michigan, said. “It’s up to us as voters to rescue her.”
“It was devastating to learn about the torment Melania has been subjected to,” Harland Dorrinson, a voter in Scottsdale, Arizona, said. “I wanted to reach out to her and say, ‘Hang in there, Melania—in two years, no one will ever bully you again.’ ”
But Tracy Klugian, of Akron, Ohio, echoed the views of many voters by saying that she wished Melania’s ordeal could end “much sooner” than 2020.
“If only this nightmare could be over tomorrow,” she said. “As Melania would say, that would be best.”
10/9/18 Kavanaugh Disappointed to Discover Supreme Court Has No Happy Hour
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a setback for the newest Associate Justice on his first day at work, Brett Kavanaugh said on Tuesday that he was “very disappointed” to learn that the Supreme Court does not have a happy hour.
Kavanaugh told reporters that he made the horrifying discovery as the clock ticked down to 5 p.m. and “everyone was still in their offices working and stuff.”
“I mean, I couldn’t believe it,” Kavanaugh said. “I had been busting my tail for six hours, and I needed to blow off some steam.”
Ruth Bader Ginsburg was the member of the Court who delivered the bad news to Kavanaugh. “When she told me, I guess I started crying a bit, which I now regret,” he said. “She just kind of closed her office door and went back to work or whatever.”
Kavanaugh’s unpleasant discovery that the Supreme Court has “absolutely no drink specials” has left him wondering if his bruising confirmation battle “was even worth it.”
“This place blows,” he said.
10/8/18 Andy Borowitz Investigates Brett Kavanaugh’s Drinking
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—The F.B.I. wouldn’t conduct an investigation into Brett Kavanaugh’s drinking, so Andy Borowitz did it himself.
It's a video report, and includes guest Adam Schiff, the ranking member of the House Intelligence committee, representing California.
https://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/andy-borowitz-investigates-brett-kavanaughs-drinking
10/5/18 Nation’s Criminals Ask for F.B.I. Investigation Kavanaugh Just Got
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest controversy to envelop the Supreme Court nominee, criminals across the United States are demanding that their cases receive the kind of F.B.I. investigation that Brett Kavanaugh just got.
From coast to coast, perpetrators of crimes ranging from arson to bank robbery are arguing that, if the F.B.I. investigates them at all, such investigations should be extremely limited in scope.
Harland Dorrinson, a criminal lawyer in Cleveland, said that his clients have followed the Kavanaugh probe “with great interest” and see it as “tailor-made” for the crimes for which they stand accused.
“My clients are asking that the F.B.I. investigate them for no more than five days and only talk to the witnesses I designate,” Dorrinson said. “We think this could be a huge time saver for everybody.”
One of his clients, Denton Faldo, currently faces twenty criminal counts of cooking and selling meth, but wants the F.B.I. to investigate only an unrelated speeding violation.
“It’s important that the F.B.I. wrap up this investigation by Friday and release me from jail in time for the weekend,” Faldo said. “A man’s life is in tatters.”
Background about this next report: Click for the news of Trump saying it's a scary time for young men.
10/3/18 (10:30 A.M.) Trump Says It’s a Very Scary Time for Men, Because Women Can Vote Them Out of Office
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that “it’s terrible what’s going on right now,” Donald J. Trump told reporters on Wednesday that “it’s a very scary time for men, because women can vote them out of office.”
“It’s very scary right now to be a man,” Trump said. “You can do or say something that women don’t like, and suddenly millions of women will come out of the woodwork and vote against you. I think it’s a disgrace.”
“It’s getting to the point where men are not going to be able to ridicule women at their campaign rallies without being terribly afraid that women are going to vote against them,” he said. “It’s a very scary time.”
Trump said that, if women are allowed to get away with voting men out of office, “No one will be safe.”
“I’ll tell you what’s going to happen,” Trump warned. “If it’s up to women to decide who’s in power and who’s not, men like me aren’t even going to run.”
Later in the day, Donald Trump, Jr., echoed his father’s words. “Last night, when I put my sons to bed, I had to tell them to be nice to girls,” he said. “It broke my heart.”
10/1/18 Twenty Million Witnesses Come Forward Claiming They Saw Kavanaugh Lie Under Oath
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As the F.B.I. hurries to complete its supplemental background check of the Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh, twenty million witnesses have come forward claiming that they saw Kavanaugh lie under oath.
According to the witnesses, they can remember the place where they saw Kavanaugh lie, a hearing room in the United States Senate, and the exact date and time, this past Thursday afternoon.
Despite the striking similarity of their stories, the twenty million witnesses to Kavanaugh’s mendacity said that they were having trouble getting in touch with the F.B.I., even though lying to the Senate is a federal crime and thus within the Bureau’s jurisdiction.
“I called my local F.B.I. office and was told to call the Bureau’s toll-free tip line,” Harland Dorrinson, a resident of Toledo, Ohio, said. “I did that, but the mailbox for Kavanaugh tips was full.”
Carol Foyler, a Mobile, Alabama, resident who said that she, too, witnessed Kavanaugh lie under oath, expressed frustration at the artificial deadline of the F.B.I.’s probe. “One week is not nearly enough time to interview twenty million people,” she said.
In Washington, Senator Lindsey Graham furiously rejected the witnesses’ version of events, arguing, “This is a classic case of he-said/twenty million said.”
“If lying in the United States Senate is a crime, none of us is safe,” Graham added.
Click here for bonus satire: SNL's opening piece for the 2018-2019 with Matt Damon as Kavanaugh...a few more clips are included in the link.
9/30/18 Merrick Garland Says He Enjoys a Nice Lemonade Now and Again
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that he owed it to the American people to explain his drinking habits, Judge Merrick Garland said on Sunday that he enjoys “a nice lemonade now and again.”
“I have, from time to time, indulged in a frosty lemonade,” Garland told reporters. “Especially on a hot summer day, it can’t be beat.”
Garland, whom Barack Obama nominated as a Supreme Court Justice, said that, if he had been granted a confirmation hearing, “I would have spoken about my weakness for a nice lemonade as candidly and completely as possible.”
The judge said that he did not believe that his love of lemonade would have prevented him “in any way” from being an effective Supreme Court Justice.
“When I say I enjoy a nice lemonade, I mean just one,” he said. “I know my limit.”
9/28/18 Jeff Flake Announces Retirement from Humanity
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an announcement that many saw coming, Senator Jeff Flake, of Arizona, announced on Friday that he would retire from humanity, effective immediately.
Speaking to reporters at the Capitol, Flake said that the demands of being a human being had “taken their toll,” and that it was “time to move on.”
“Having empathy and compassion for other human beings has been a thoroughly draining experience,” he said. “I for one am ready for something new.”
Flake said that, before making his decision, he consulted with others who had retired from humanity years earlier, such as Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham, and Donald Trump.
“They all fully supported my decision,” he said. “It’s great to be one of them now.”
9/27/18 Obama Saddened That Kavanaugh Did Not Blame Him at Any Point
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama said Thursday evening that he was “saddened” and “hurt” that Brett Kavanaugh failed to blame him for his predicament at any point in his Senate Judiciary Committee hearing earlier in the day.
“As he was rattling off all of the people who had victimized him, I was sure I was going to make the list,” Obama said. “It was more than a little deflating that I didn’t.”
Obama said that as Kavanaugh listed such nemeses as the mainstream media, a vast left-wing conspiracy, and the Clintons, he was “on the edge of my chair expecting my name to come up.”
“It’s not a good feeling to be forgotten like that,” he said. “It was a tough thing to watch.”
Obama said that it was “a little comforting” to know that he was not the only person Kavanaugh neglected to blame in his remarks. “I just got off the phone with George Soros, and he is bummed as well,” Obama said.
In an official statement released after the former President’s remarks, Kavanaugh said that his failure to blame Obama was “a simple omission,” and not a memory lapse due to excessive alcohol consumption.
9/25/18 Trump Brags That He Got Much Bigger Laughs at U.N. Than Obama
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Calling his speech to the United Nations General Assembly on Tuesday “an unbelievable success,” Donald J. Trump bragged that he “got much bigger laughs than Obama.”
“When Obama spoke at the U.N. he did not get a single laugh—not one,” Trump told reporters. “I feel sorry for the people who had to sit through his speeches. They weren’t funny at all.”
In contrast, Trump said, “I killed at the U.N.”
“I had them rolling in the aisles,” he said. “Once I started hearing those big laughs, I thought, Poor li’l Obama, he’s going to be so jealous.”
Trump called the United Nations a “tough crowd” for comedy because the audience is composed of people from around the globe. “I’m sure the crooked media won’t give me credit for this, but I’m the only person who can make the whole world laugh,” he said.
9/25/18 Republican Party Declares Moral Bankruptcy
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The Republican Party officially filed for moral bankruptcy on Tuesday morning, a move that many in the nation considered long overdue.
In filing for moral bankruptcy, the Republicans will formally attest that they have no morals, standards, or ethics on their balance sheet, and will agree to cease all activity as a political party in exchange for indemnity from any and all legal actions.
Harland Dorrinson, a Washington attorney who specializes in moral bankruptcies, said that, by making its moral vacuum official, the G.O.P. could theoretically break itself up and sell off the parts, but, he warned, “There are no buyers.”
“From Lindsey Graham to Ted Cruz to Mitch McConnell to Chuck Grassley, all of the Republican Party’s assets could only be described as toxic,” he said. “Their breakup value is zero.”
Further complicating such a sale, Dorrinson said, is the fact that the lion’s share of the Republican Party is already owned by the National Rifle Association, Koch Industries, and the Russian government.
“All of those entities are going to take a major loss on their investment,” he warned. “The Kochs have been trying to sell Paul Ryan for months, and they can’t give him away.”
While bemoaning the demise of a once legitimate political party, Dorrinson did see one silver lining. “The bankruptcy of the Republican Party will be presided over by Donald Trump, and no one has more experience in this area,” he said.
9/24/18 Grassley Spends Weekend Practicing Pretending-to-Listen Face
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Facing the daunting challenge of appearing to pay attention to a woman’s utterances during a televised hearing, Senator Charles Grassley spent the weekend rehearsing what aides are calling his “pretending to listen” face.
In round-the-clock practice sessions that aides characterized as “excruciating,” the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee struggled to simulate even a trace of interest in what a woman had to say.
“Chuck has never pretended to listen to a woman before,” an aide said. “These are uncharted waters.”
According to the aide, Grassley’s fake-listening skills “are rudimentary at best,” and the senator was able to hold only a semi-attentive facial expression for seven seconds before it showed unmistakable signs of boredom, irritation, and contempt.
At one point, Grassley reportedly exploded with frustration, bellowing, “If I’d known that going into politics meant I’d have to listen to women, I’d have become a longshoreman.”
Complicating the mock sessions further was the absence on the Judiciary Committee of any Republican women to whom Grassley could pretend to listen, forcing Senator Orrin Hatch to step uncomfortably into the role of a woman.
9/20/18 Merrick Garland Admits to Cheating at Scrabble Once
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that “it’s time to face the consequences of my actions,” Judge Merrick Garland admitted on Thursday that he cheated at Scrabble one time, in 2003.
Garland, who recently informed the Senate Judiciary Committee that he was “still available” to be confirmed as a Supreme Court Justice, choked back tears as he confessed to the “disgraceful” Scrabble incident.
“In late 2003, I was playing a game of Scrabble with my wife and Googled a word while she was off using the bathroom,” Garland said. “I deeply regret my behavior, which was reprehensible and inexcusable.”
Garland revealed that the word he Googled, “muzjiks,” all but sealed his victory in the Scrabble contest.
“Although this was the only time I have ever cheated at any word game, I believe it disqualifies me to sit on the United States Supreme Court,” he said. “Therefore, I hereby withdraw my name from all future consideration.”
Chuck Grassley, the chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, said that Garland’s confession vindicated Republicans’ decision not to grant him a single meeting when he was Barack Obama’s Supreme Court nominee.
“This revelation confirms our darkest suspicions about Merrick Garland,” Grassley said. “It looks like we dodged a bullet.”
9/17/18 Merrick Garland Says He’s Still Available
BETHESDA, MARYLAND (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that he would like to help the Senate Judiciary Committee “in any way I can,” Judge Merrick Garland announced on Monday that he is “still available” to be confirmed as a United States Supreme Court Justice.
“I haven’t heard from anyone on the Judiciary Committee,” Garland said. “But I just want to let them know that I’ve let bygones be bygones if they’d like to confirm me now.”
The judge said that he was “not surprised” that no one from the White House has called about his availability for the Supreme Court job. “I’ve been reading that Woodward book,” he said. “It sounds like things can get pretty hectic over there.”
Garland noted that, when he was first nominated to the Supreme Court, no Republican senator agreed to meet with him, but added, “Maybe they can find some time in their schedules now.”
“After what they’ve been going through for the past couple of days, the Republicans might want to give old Merrick another look,” he said. “I’m clean as a whistle.”
Background about this next report: I JUST KNEW Borowitz would come through with a report after this news about getting emergency texts from the president. Our first test is this Thursday, 9/20/18. I LOVE THIS ONE!
9/16/18 Americans Want Alert System Enabling Mueller to Text Them When This Emergency Is Over
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans do not want Donald J. Trump to text them that there is an emergency, but “very strongly” want Robert Mueller to text them when this current emergency is over, a new poll shows.
fema’s about-to-be-launched “Presidential alert” system drew a sharply negative reaction in the poll, with a majority of Americans saying that they would burn, smash, or otherwise pulverize their phones in advance of the first text that Trump attempts to send them.
By contrast, and by a wide margin, Americans said that they wanted an alert system that would enable Mueller to text them “the second he knows this shit show is over,” the poll indicates.
Poll respondents were amenable to a broad array of methods by which Mueller might deliver such news, including the one-word text “finito,” the phrase “orange crushed,” and emojis depicting a thumbs-up or smiley face.
Background about this next report: In case you hadn't heard the news on Manafort, click this link
9/14/18 Trump’s Calls to Manafort Going Straight to Voice Mail
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump placed “a large number” of phone calls to his former campaign manager Paul Manafort on Friday morning, and all of them went straight to voice mail, White House sources have confirmed.
The sources, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that the number of voice-mail messages that Trump left for Manafort was somewhere in the range of twelve to three hundred.
Trump reportedly continued to leave messages for Manafort until his mailbox was full, after which Trump hurled his phone across the room, narrowly missing Mike Pence’s head.
Speaking to reporters, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, downplayed the significance of Manafort’s failure to pick up after Trump called him several hundred times.
“Phones can be tricky sometimes,” she said. “You saw what happened when he tried to call the President of Mexico.”
While other Administration officials were mum on Manafort’s deal to coöperate with Robert Mueller’s investigation, Trump’s attorney, Rudy Giuliani, said that it was “actually fantastic news,” because “it means I’ll get to be on TV a lot.”
Background about this next report: You can google Crazytown for more info on how that word's being flown around!
9/7/18 Trump Demands to Know Who Put “Entering Crazytown” Sign on Oval Office Door
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump demanded on Friday that Attorney General Jeff Sessions investigate who put a sign reading “Entering Crazytown, U.S.A.” on the door to the Oval Office.
Trump reportedly noticed the sign for the first time Friday morning, and became enraged after asking Kellyanne Conway, the counsellor to the President, to read what it said to him.
According to White House insiders, determining the creator of the sign could prove difficult, because between seventy and a hundred White House staffers have been known to use the word “Crazytown” to describe their work environment.
“Whoever put that sign on my door has committed treason against the United States,” Trump told reporters, before turning away and revealing that someone had put a Post-it reading “President Stupidpants” on his back.
Background about this next report: Click Here for the news on Pence...
9/6/18 Pence Blasts New York Times and Vows Never to Write for It Again
ORLANDO (The Borowitz Report)—Speaking to reporters on Thursday morning, Vice-President Mike Pence ripped the New York Times and vowed never to write for it again.
“I think the New York Times is reprehensible and disgraceful, and should apologize to the American people,” Pence said. “As for me, I’m going to show my disgust with the Times by never, ever submitting another piece of writing to it.”
Pence said that, in addition to the Times’ irresponsible decision to publish incendiary articles, “The editors over there are really hard to deal with if you’re a freelance opinion writer.”
“People see the New York Times as a biased publication with a blatant agenda to take down Donald Trump,” Pence said. “What people don’t realize is that the editors over there make a freelance writer’s life miserable—suggesting changes in words, moving paragraphs around, and cutting lines that you thought were really good.”
In addition to those criticisms, Pence said that the Times insists that writers sign a contract and submit a W-9 before they can get paid.
“The Times says that it pays writers promptly, but when I look at their behavior up to this point, color me skeptical,” Pence said. “I’ll believe it when I get the check.”
Background about this next report: Click here for the anonymous op ed piece published by the NY Times.
Click here for Trump's response.
9/5/18 (6 pm) Nation Stunned That There Is Someone in White House Capable of Writing an Editorial
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans were startled by the revelation on Wednesday afternoon that there was someone working in the Trump White House capable of writing an entire editorial, reports indicate.
In a nation already rocked by a series of bombshells since Labor Day, the news that an anonymous senior White House official had the command of the English language necessary to compose a seemingly coherent Op-Ed piece suitable for publication in a major newspaper was perhaps the most improbable development of all.
Davis Logsdon, a professor of linguistics at the University of Minnesota, said that a team of language experts under his supervision has studied the Op-Ed word by word and is “in a state of disbelief” that someone currently working for Donald J. Trump could have written it.
“There are complete sentences, there are well-structured paragraphs, there is subject-verb agreement,” he said. “This does not appear to be the work of any White House staffer we’re familiar with.”
Stressing that he and his team of linguists are “not even close” to determining the author, Logsdon said that they were currently using the process of elimination to whittle down the list of possible scribes.
“Based on the mastery of language that we see here, it’s not Sarah Huckabee Sanders, John Kelly, Stephen Miller, or Kellyanne Conway, and it’s definitely not Jared,” he said.
9/5/18 Trump Furious That Woodward’s Book Is Written at Seventh-Grade Reading Level
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump obtained an advance copy of Bob Woodward’s new book Monday evening and was “furious” to discover that Woodward had written it at a seventh-grade reading level, a White House aide has confirmed.
The aide, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said that Trump was convinced that Woodward wrote the book for seventh-grade readers to make its assertions impossible for Trump to refute.
“Trump was turning page after page, becoming increasingly angry at its gratuitous use of a seventh-grade vocabulary,” the aide said. “It was like it was written entirely in a secret code.”
At one point, Trump became so frustrated trying to decipher the word “imbecilic” that he hurled the book across the room.
“Book bad!” he reportedly shouted.
According to the aide, Trump’s daughter Ivanka is dreading that she will be called upon to read the Woodward book aloud to her father, as he has demanded she do with books by James Comey and Omarosa Manigault Newman.
“In the past, Ivanka has begged off by saying she was too busy running her company, but she can’t do that anymore,” the aide said.
9/4/18 White Man Hopes to Land Job Without Background Check
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A fifty-three-year-old white man from Washington, D.C., is hoping to land a six-figure job for life without being subjected to a thorough background check, the man confirmed on Tuesday.
The man, Brett Kavanaugh, said that he was “pretty chill” about his upcoming job interview because he had been assured that “anything super damaging” had been removed from his H.R. file.
“There’s some stuff in my past—especially, like, from the nineties—that would be kind of heinous if anyone looked into it,” Kavanaugh said. “Fortunately, I know someone in H.R. and he took, like, a hundred thousand pages out of my file.”
The Washington native said that he had been assured that his job interview would be led by a group of other white men who “won’t ask me anything too hard.”
“They were, like, ‘Just smile a lot and nod your head and you’re in, dude,’ ” he said.
Kavanaugh said he was “blown away” when he learned about the benefits package that comes with his prospective job. “When my friend in H.R. told me it was $255,300 a year for life, even after you retire, and no background check, I was, like, ‘You have got to be shitting me,’ ” he said. “I don’t care who you are. That’s sweet.”
Background about this next report: Manafort convicted on 8 counts and About the $18,000 ostrich jacket Manafort bought
8/21/18 5:55 pm Ostriches Celebrate Manafort Verdict
AFRICA (The Borowitz Report)—Ostriches across Africa erupted into spontaneous celebrations on Tuesday over the guilty verdict of Donald J. Trump’s former campaign manager Paul Manafort.
As the verdict was read out in open court, jubilant ostriches broke into what was described as an orgy of running, squawking, and indiscriminate mating.
An emotional ostrich spokesperson called the verdict “a great day for the entire ostrich species.”
“Waiting for the verdict over the past few days has been incredibly nerve-racking,” the ostrich said. “Many of us have been glued to the TV. Some of us were too stressed to watch and kept our heads in the sand. But tonight we are all partying.”
According to wildlife officials, ostriches held celebratory rallies in dozens of African capitals, where they were joined by equally delirious pythons.
8/21/18 3:20 pm Michael Cohen Pleads Guilty After Giuliani Offers to Be His Lawyer
Cohen entered guilty plea on 8 counts, and implicated "The Candidate".
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Michael D. Cohen decided on Tuesday to plead guilty to a host of financial crimes shortly after Rudolph Giuliani offered to be his lawyer on a pro-bono basis, Giuliani confirmed.
In an interview with Jake Tapper, on CNN, the former New York City mayor said that he had offered to give Cohen “the kind of defense that only I am capable of giving.”
“The minute I said that, the blood drained from his face and he was out of there like a shot,” Giuliani said. “It was the strangest thing I’d ever seen.”
Giuliani gave CNN viewers a snapshot of what his defense of Cohen would have been like. “I would have said, ‘Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my client is guilty,’ ” he said. “ ‘Guilty as sin! But “guilty” rhymes with “not guilty,” and that’s what I’m asking you to find him today.’ I’m telling you, Jake, it would have been a killer.”
8/20/18 Putin Reportedly Close to Firing Giuliani
Click for news on Giuliani's "truth isn't truth" comment.
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Vladimir Putin is reportedly “very close” to firing Rudolph Giuliani as Donald J. Trump’s attorney, a source close to the Russian President confirmed on Monday.
According to the source, Putin allowed Trump to hire Giuliani in the first place because “it’s important to let Trump think that he has some autonomy from time to time,” but now the Russian President has apparently determined that “enough is enough.”
Over the next few days, the source indicated, Putin is likely to replace Giuliani with a handpicked successor, Arkady Lubetkin, a criminal-defense attorney who has represented several prominent Russian Mob figures.
After hearing anecdotal reports of Giuliani’s appearance on NBC’s “Meet the Press” on Sunday, Putin initially theorized that the nonsensical nature of Giuliani’s utterances had to be chalked up to “an error in translation,” the source said.
After reading an official transcript of Giuliani’s statements, however, the Russian President was apparently “flabbergasted.”
“Pravda is not pravda?” Putin reportedly said. “What is this bullshit?”
8/17/18 Pence Stages One-Man Parade in Honor of Trump
Click here if you missed the news about Trump canceling the parade he wanted.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hours after the Pentagon announced that it would postpone a military parade that Donald J. Trump had requested, Vice-President Mike Pence staged a one-man parade in Trump’s honor.
Explaining his decision to mount the solitary parade, Pence told reporters, “It is the least I can do to pay tribute to the greatness and majesty of Donald Trump, a true American hero.”
Pence acknowledged, however, that marching alone “was a neat way to keep the budget down.”
“Obviously, if money were no object, I would have gone for a little more spectacle,” he said. “Maybe a flyover by Space Force.”
Marching proudly with his chest thrust forward and breaking out into a near-strut, Pence’s parade route took him down Pennsylvania Avenue, where he waved occasionally to confused-looking passersby.
“It was weird seeing him walking all by himself,” Carol Foyler, a tourist who witnessed the Pence parade, said. “I waved back because it was just so sad.”
Pence’s one-man march drew high praise from Trump, who took to Twitter to declare it the largest parade in history.
8/13/18 Trump Says White House Is No Place for Lying Lowlife from Reality Show
BEDMINSTER, New Jersey (The Borowitz Report)—Blasting his former colleague Omarosa Manigault, Donald J. Trump said on Monday that “the White House is no place for a lying lowlife from a reality show.”
“People were impressed by Omarosa because they saw her on a TV show,” Trump told reporters from his golf course in Bedminster, New Jersey. “Well, I’ve got news for you: being on a reality show does not qualify you to work in the government.”
Explaining why he considered her a “lowlife,” Trump said, “She’s rude, abrasive, and offensive. Having someone like that in the White House is an embarrassment to our country.”
But worst of all, Trump said, was Omarosa’s lying, which he called “constant.”
“She can’t go a day without lying, and what’s more, she’s narcissistic and paranoid,” he said. “A psycho like that shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near the Situation Room.”
Pronouncing himself pleased that Omarosa was no longer in his Administration, Trump concluded his scorching remarks by saying, “The sooner we can rid the White House of reality-show con artists, the better off the country will be.”
8/9/18 Pence Calls Space Force Necessary to Protect U.S. from Gay Aliens
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Making a major announcement at the Pentagon on Thursday, Vice-President Mike Pence said that the proposed United States Space Force was necessary to defend the U.S. from gay aliens.
“I stand before you today to say that this country is under attack from outer-space gays,” Pence told the military gathering. “Only Space Force can protect us from their unimaginable evil.”
Pence detailed a nightmare scenario in which “gay aliens by the thousands” land in the U.S. in “seemingly cute spacecraft” and “subvert life in America as we know it.”
“Let’s say, for example, that these gay aliens can assume human form,” he said. “What’s to stop them from infiltrating normal bakeries and baking cakes for gay weddings?”
“I’ll tell you what’s to stop them,” he said, pausing for dramatic effect. “Space Force.”
At the White House, CNN’s Jim Acosta asked the press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, how, exactly, Pence had developed his theory about the existence of gay aliens.
“No one is more qualified to talk about life on other planets than Mike Pence,” Sanders snapped.
8/9/18 Republicans Projected to Pick up Seventy Seats in Prison
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a development that could dramatically change the composition of the federal penitentiary system, Republicans are projected to pick up as many as seventy seats in prison, a leading incarceration expert said on Thursday.
“Prognostication is an inexact science,” Davis Logsdon, who studies conviction rates of corrupt politicians for the University of Minnesota’s Guilt Project, said. “Having said that, if current indictment trends hold up, the Republicans could be flipping at least seventy key prison seats.”
Logsdon broke down criminal cases against Republicans into likely convictions, likely acquittals, and toss-ups, and found that the G.O.P.’s path to the magic number of seventy new prison cells was “very doable.”
According to his projections, Republicans are running for prison “especially well” in districts where the G.O.P. member of Congress was an early supporter of Donald J. Trump.
“In those districts, we’re seeing Republicans who did an incredible job of raising money,” he said. “All of that money is going to translate into a huge number of new freshman prisoners.”
All in all, Logsdon sees the prospect of seventy new Republicans in prison as “nothing short of seismic.”
“Prisons need to get ready,” he said. “A red wave is coming.”
8/818 Republicans Outspent Democrats in Ohio by a Hundred Million Rubles
COLUMBUS, Ohio (The Borowitz Report)—With Tuesday’s special election in Ohio still too close to call, Republican officials in the state acknowledged that they outspent Democrats to the tune of a hundred million rubles.
Harland Dorrinson, a spokesman for the Ohio Republican Party, told reporters on Wednesday that if the G.O.P. ekes out a win, it will have been worth all of the Russian currency the Party threw at the race.
“You can talk ground game all you want, but, at the end of the day, you can’t buy TV and radio ads without rubles,” he said.
Dorrinson credited the Republican congressional-campaign committee for what he called a “highly successful ruble-raising effort.”
“We were on the phone to oligarchs in our shadowy Kremlin-affiliated donor network up to the last minute,” he said. “Hopefully, it paid off.”
While Ohio Republicans are crossing their fingers that the final election results are in their favor, Dorrinson recognizes that their work is far from over. “We’re going to have a rematch in this district in November, and we don’t want to be caught a day late and a ruble short,” he said.
8/7/18 Californians Puzzled by Trump’s Failure to Blame Wildfires on Hillary
SACRAMENTO, California (The Borowitz Report)—Californians were baffled on Monday by a series of tweets by Donald J. Trump in which he utterly failed to blame the state’s current wildfires on Hillary Clinton.
In interviews with residents up and down the Golden State, Californians agreed with the assessment of Harland Dorrinson, a Modesto native, that Trump’s failure to pin the fires on Clinton was “nothing short of bizarre.”
“When he said that there wasn’t enough water to put out the fires, I naturally assumed he was going to accuse Hillary Clinton of sneaking into California and somehow stealing all of our water,” Dorrinson said. “It was so confusing when he didn’t.”
“I thought that the wildfires would be a perfect opportunity for Trump to accuse Hillary of being anti-water and pro-fire, but he didn’t even mention her,” Tracy Klugian, who lives in San Jose, said. “Maybe he’s really distracted by all this Russia stuff and he’s off his game.”
Carol Foyler, who lives in Monterey, said that Trump’s failure to accuse Hillary Clinton of single-handedly causing the wildfires left her shaken and appalled.
“At a time when many of us in California are suffering from historic wildfires, we look to the President of the United States to blame them on Hillary Clinton,” she said. “And he let us down.”
8/1/18 Millions of Americans Denied Groceries After Failing to Provide I.D.
News about Trump's comment you need ID to buy groceries
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans were foiled in their attempts to purchase groceries on Wednesday after failing to provide the proper government-issued I.D. cards.
From coast to coast, food-seeking scofflaws were turned away from supermarkets, convenience stores, and fruit markets as they tried to circumvent the nation’s long-standing grocery I.D. laws.
“Given that Americans have been required to show I.D. to buy food for years, it’s amazing that people still try to get away with this,” Carol Foyler, a supermarket cashier in Fresno, California, said. “It’s always, ‘Oh, I left my food I.D. in my other pants,’ or some B.S. like that. Believe me, I’ve heard it all.”
In Cleveland, Ohio, a man attempting to buy a loaf of bread, two yogurts, and a bottle of Fanta tried to use another consumer’s food I.D. to make the purchase, but was busted by sharp-eyed security personnel.
“It’s not just people using other people’s food I.D.s to get groceries,” Harland Dorrinson, the store’s security chief, said. “I can’t tell you how many fake food I.D.s we see in here on a daily basis.”
Dorrinson said that, although the nation’s food-I.D. laws have served it well, they “need to go further” to prevent rampant abuses of the system.
“Requiring people who want groceries to have a food I.D. is a good start, but there should also be background checks and a waiting period,” he said.
7/27/18 Trump Family Flees to Moscow
Click here for the story about Putin inviting Trump to Moscow.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Bringing a tumultuous chapter of American history to an abrupt conclusion, Donald J. Trump and three of his adult children fled to Moscow in the early hours of Friday morning.
Accompanied by Ivanka, Eric, and Don, Jr., Trump boarded a specially chartered Aeroflot plane to take him to his new home in Moscow, a nondescript apartment building that also houses the former N.S.A. employee Edward Snowden.
Trump reportedly was in a tremendous hurry to catch the plane and left behind only a one-sentence note, reading, “THERE WAS NO COLUSION [sic].”
At the White House, Sarah Huckabee Sanders confirmed that the Trump family had fled to Moscow, telling reporters, “The Trump family has not fled to Moscow.”
The arrangements for the Trumps’ exit were finalized last week in the one-on-one conversation between Trump and Vladimir Putin, in Helsinki, a translator who was present during the conversation has confirmed.
According to the translator, Trump told Putin, “We’ll move to Moscow as soon as Ivanka winds down her crappy company.”
Those who witnessed Trump’s departure indicated that his wife, Melania, did not board the Aeroflot plane with him, but saw him off at the airport with a cordial “Be best.”
7/26/18 Republicans Accuse Rosenstein of Secretly Plotting to Uphold Constitution
The news is that Republicans were trying to impeach Rosenstein. The Democrats and many republicans defended him, including Jeff Sessions and Paul Ryan. There is a lot of breaking news on this.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—House Republicans on Thursday accused the Deputy Attorney General, Rod Rosenstein, of “secretly and nefariously” implementing a plot to uphold the United States Constitution.
In a joint press conference, Representatives Mark Meadows, of North Carolina, and Jim Jordan, of Ohio, said that they had “ample evidence” that Rosenstein was prepared to protect the Constitution “by any and all means at his disposal.”
“There is only one way to describe Rosenstein’s obsession with putting the Constitution before all other concerns,” Meadows said. “Conflict of interest.”
“It is almost as if Rod Rosenstein had taken some kind of solemn oath to defend a centuries-old document,” Jordan said. “This should make every American very, very scared.”
Though the Republicans have shelved their articles of impeachment against Rosenstein for now, they hope that their impeachment threat will send a clear message to Rosenstein that his reckless allegiance to the Constitution will no longer be tolerated.
“If, going forward, Rosenstein uses his position at the Department of Justice to seek justice, he will be crossing a red line,” Meadows said.
7/25/18 Ivanka Trump Named Dean of Business School at Trump University
Read this if you missed the news of Ivanka closing her fashion line.
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “an exciting new chapter in my amazing life,” Ivanka Trump has been named dean of the business school at the newly reconstituted Trump University.
“I’ve been incredibly blessed with stratospheric success as a businessperson,” Dean Trump said on Wednesday. “This is my chance to give something back, for only fifty thousand dollars in tuition and other fees.”
Trump said that students enrolling at the Trump University School of Business can look forward to gleaning wisdom not only from her but from another star faculty member, Jared Kushner.
“When it comes to business, Jared has been almost as incredible I have,” she said.
In online promotional materials for the school, Dean Trump promises “an unforgettable educational experience” for “students who want to learn business the Ivanka way.”
“Many people take years to get a business off the ground,” Dean Trump writes. “At the Trump University School of Business, I’ll show you how to open a business and close it down in four years flat.”
7/24/18 Trump Threatens to Yank Security Clearance from Frederick Douglass
Click for the real news about security clearances
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s crusade to revoke security clearances from perceived critics was on display again on Tuesday as he threatened to yank credentials from a man he had previously praised, Frederick Douglass.
It was unclear why Trump had turned on Douglass, because, unlike other targets of Trump’s security-clearance rampage, Douglass had not made disparaging comments about him on cable news in recent weeks.
Trump offered few clues as to the source of his unhappiness with Douglass, but he broadcast his disapproval of the abolitionist in a tweet that read, “HE IS NO LONGER DOING AN AMAZING JOB.”
The threat to revoke Douglass’s credentials put the White House chief of staff, John Kelly, in a tough spot, because, presumably, Kelly would be the staff member tasked with carrying out such an order.
“General Kelly could point out to Trump that Frederick Douglass never had security clearance, and, plus, he is dead,” an aide to Kelly said. “But neither of those things is likely to change Trump’s mind.”
7/23/18 Trump to Discontinue Obama-Era Practice of Using Lowercase Letters
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Charting a sharply different course from that of his predecessor in the White House, Donald J. Trump announced on Monday that he would discontinue the Obama-era practice of using lowercase letters.
In a series of early-morning tweets, Trump announced the ban on lowercase letters, calling them “SMALL” and “WEAK.”
“I WILL KEEP AMERICA STRONG BY USING ALL CAPS,” he tweeted. “THERE ARE NO SMALL LETTERS IN USA!”
“LITTLE LETTERS BAD!!!” Trump added, for emphasis.
Trump’s policy of zero tolerance for lowercase letters could have a sweeping impact on the federal bureaucracy if, as rumored, all government agencies are required to retrofit their computers and mobile devices with a permanent caps-lock key.
Additionally, civil-liberties groups argued that Trump’s war on lowercase letters flies in the face of the First Amendment, which implicitly protects the right to use letters of all sizes and fonts.
Amid the controversy, the White House appeared to walk back the new policy later in the day, as aides revealed that Trump will still use lowercase letters, in the style of the poet e. e. cummings, when communicating with Vladimir Putin.
7/22/18 Trump Demands That N.F.L. Players Stand During Russian National Anthem
Regarding this Report, Trump tweeted "The NFL National Anthem Debate is alive and well again - can’t believe it! Isn’t it in contract that players must stand at attention, hand on heart? The $40,000,000 Commissioner must now make a stand. First time kneeling, out for game. Second time kneeling, out for season/no pay!" I love Eric Winston's (president of the NFL Players Association) response: "Thanks for your thoughts, but we'll take it from here."
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a series of early-morning tweets on Sunday, Donald J. Trump demanded that the Russian national anthem be played before every National Football League game and that all N.F.L. players stand during the performance.
Trump asserted that playing the Russian anthem was a “necessary gesture of good will from the USA to our No. 1 ally,” and that “any player who refuses to stand for the Russian antem [sic] hates America!”
Seeming to double down on his demand, Trump tweeted that all N.F.L. players must remain standing while the color guard unfurls the flag of the Russian Federation.
Trump’s insistence that football players stand for the Russian anthem appeared to come as a surprise to the director of National Intelligence, Dan Coats, who first heard about it while appearing at a security forum, in Bethesda, Maryland.
“What kind of fucking bullshit is this?” Coats said, later saying that he meant no disrespect by that remark.
7/20/18 Leaders of ISIS and Al Qaeda Puzzled Why Trump Has Not Invited Them to White House
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The leaders of isis and Al Qaeda said on Friday that they were totally perplexed as to why Donald J. Trump had not yet invited them to the White House.
The terror chiefs said that, as sworn enemies of the United States, they had certainly attacked the country enough to warrant an invitation for an official visit, and possibly a state dinner.
“Maybe we haven’t done anything to directly undermine their democracy—I get that,” Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi, the leader of isis, said. “But we’ve been nemeses of America for years, and that ought to be worth something.”
Ayman al-Zawahiri, the leader of Al Qaeda, said that he also feels snubbed. “No invitation. Not even a save-the-date,” he said. “At this point, I’d settle for the White House Easter Egg Roll, but I’m not counting on anything.”
Calling the absence of a White House invitation for Al Qaeda “the height of unfairness,” the evildoer added, bitterly, “The whole thing seems political.”
Hibatullah Akhundzada, the current leader of the Taliban, said that, like his terrorist colleagues, he was “dumbfounded” that Trump invited Vladimir Putin and not him to the White House. “At some point you have to wonder, what does Putin have on this guy?” he said.
7/19/18 “I Was Never This Blatant,” Says Benedict Arnold in Hell
HELL (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that he was “flabbergasted” by the events of this week, the Revolutionary War-era traitor Benedict Arnold offered a ringing defense of his own career in treason, asserting, “I was never this blatant.”
“I was brought up to believe that betraying your country was something you’d do very secretively,” Arnold, who now resides in Hell, said. “If you were going over to the enemy side, you’d do everything you could not to be detected. You wouldn’t go around announcing it to the world like a jackass.”
Although Arnold understands why commentators have been using the word “treason” to describe the alarming spectacle they have witnessed this week, he said, “Throwing the word ‘treason’ around like that is very unfair to traitors, and I would even say hurtful.”
“Traitors put a lot of thought, planning, and subtletly into every one of their actions and utterances,” he said. “When I look at these so-called acts of treason, I have to ask, Where’s the professionalism? Where’s the work ethic? The sloppiness and sheer idiocy of it all is jaw-dropping.”
Speaking of his treasonous colleagues in Hell, including Judas Iscariot, Vidkun Quisling, and the entire Vichy government, Arnold said, “Every traitor down here is shaking his head.”
7/16/18 Kim Jong Un Upset to Learn That Trump Is Seeing Other Dictators
PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—The North Korean leader, Kim Jong Un, is reportedly “upset” and “hurt” that Donald J. Trump is seeing other dictators, sources in Pyongyang have confirmed.
According to an aide close to the North Korean leader, Kim was “devastated” to see images of Trump warmly embracing another dictator in Helsinki on Monday, just one month after jetting off to Singapore to spend a memorable and intense five hours with Kim.
Shortly after their time together, aides close to Kim warned him against becoming emotionally attached to Trump, alerting Kim to press reports linking the American to many other dictators.
“He’s been quoted saying nice things about Xi Jinping and Rodrigo Duterte, to name just two,” one aide said. “Trump could never commit to just one dictator. When it comes to autocrats and strongmen, he’s a total player.”
Still, despite all the red flags, seeing Trump in the clutches of another dictator left Kim “deeply wounded,” aides said.
“Donald Trump said that he and I had a ‘special bond,’ ” Kim reportedly said, choking back tears. “I guess that meant something different to him than it did to me.”
7/11/18 Queen Elizabeth Says Bone Spurs Will Prevent Her from Meeting Trump
LONDON (The Borowitz Report)—Queen Elizabeth II has cancelled a scheduled Friday meeting with Donald J. Trump after complaining of a “flare-up of bone spurs,” Buckingham Palace has confirmed.
The announcement took many royal watchers by surprise, because in her sixty-six-year reign the Queen had never before complained of bone spurs.
But, according to the Queen’s spokesman, Peter Rhys-Willington, Elizabeth had intentionally kept her chronic bone-spur condition a closely guarded secret until now. “Her Majesty is a very brave woman, and has not wanted to unnecessarily worry her subjects,” Rhys-Willington said. “And so, for decades, she has suffered in silence.”
The Queen referred to her bone spurs obliquely in an official statement issued on Thursday. “We are sorry to have to cancel the engagement, but we feared that meeting Donald Trump would be most painful,” the Queen’s statement read.
7/11/18 Merkel Asks Mueller If There’s Anything She Can Do to Help
BRUSSELS (The Borowitz Report)—The German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, took a break from the nato summit in Brussels on Wednesday to ask the independent counsel, Robert Mueller, if there is anything she can do to help.
According to those familiar with the phone conversation, Merkel told Mueller that she would take a leave of absence as leader of the German government and move to Washington to work full-time for Mueller “if that would be of assistance.”
Touting her credentials, Merkel told Mueller that she was fluent in Russian and could be helpful in translating the thousands of Russian-language documents that the special counsel has in his collection of evidence.
“I will work for free and pay my for my own food,” Merkel said. “I just want to make this stop.”
Mueller reportedly thanked Merkel for her offer but told her he had to wrap up their conversation because he had “Emmanuel Macron on the other line.”
7/10/18 Man Wins “Why Trump Shouldn’t Go to Prison” Essay Contest
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A Washington, D.C., man has won a nationwide essay contest on the topic “Why Donald J. Trump Shouldn’t Go to Prison.”
The man, Brett Kavanaugh, received his award for the winning essay at a ceremony at the White House on Monday night.
Kavanaugh’s essay, which was distributed to the press shortly after he was announced as the winner, reads as follows: “Donald J. Trump should never go to prison because he is the President of the United States and the President of the United States is a very important person in the country. It would look bad if visitors from foreign countries came to the United States and asked, ‘Where is your President?’ and we had to say, ‘He is in prison,’ which in my opinion is another reason Donald J. Trump should not go to prison. For these reasons, if I am ever in a position to keep Donald J. Trump from going to prison, I will do that (keep him from going to prison).”
Shaking Kavanaugh’s hand, Trump heaped praise on him for his “very, very beautiful” essay, calling it “maybe the best essay that has ever been written.”
“I did not personally read it, but Ivanka read it aloud to me, and I thought it was fantastic,” Trump said.
7/9/18 Putin Reportedly Has Made Final Supreme Court Choice
Shortly after Borowitz posted this report, Trump nominated Kavanaugh.
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Russian President Vladimir Putin has reportedly made his final choice to replace retiring Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, Kremlin sources have confirmed.
According to those sources, Putin whittled down a lengthy list of possible candidates to just two, Brett M. Kavanaugh and Thomas M. Hardiman, before selecting the one he believes will best advance the interests of the Russian Federation.
Those familiar with the selection process said that the Russian President did not consult with Donald J. Trump before making his final decision.
“Putin didn’t want one of those ‘too many cooks’ situations,” one Kremlin source said. “He told Trump that he would e-mail him the name a good half hour or so before Trump has to announce it to the media.”
Surprisingly, the usually brash Putin found the responsibility of choosing the next Supreme Court Justice “daunting,” sources said.
“Nominating a Justice to the United States Supreme Court is one of the most important decisions a Russian President can ever make,” Putin reportedly said.
7/9/18 China Slaps Two-Thousand-Per-Cent Tariff on Tanning Beds
Click Here for News about the Trade War
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In the latest salvo in its escalating trade war with the United States, China has slapped all tanning beds slated for export to the U.S. with a two-thousand-per-cent tariff.
By artificially hiking up the cost of its tanning beds, China succeeded in sending the price of tanning beds worldwide soaring in overnight markets.
In what some experts regarded as a related move, China also placed a four-thousand-per-cent tariff on all spray-tan products headed for the U.S., as well as instant-tanning lotions, makeup foundation, and several popular hues of orange paint, including butter rum and burnt sienna.
The White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, blasted China’s tariffs on its full range of tanning products, calling the move an “act of war.”
“What China doesn’t understand is that it is far from the only player in the tanning game,” Sanders said. “The United States stands ready and willing to import tanning beds from our friends in Canada.”
In Ottawa, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau responded to reporters’ questions about the prospect of Canada shipping tanning beds to the United States. “It doesn’t look good,” he said.
6/26/18 Foreigners Unsure Why Anyone Would Want to Travel to U.S. at This Point
Click here if you missed the news about the Supreme Court regarding the travel ban.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Shortly after the United States Supreme Court upheld Donald J. Trump’s controversial travel ban, millions of people from other countries expressed puzzlement that anyone would want to travel to the United States at this juncture.
In interviews with people from around the world, respondents said that the travel ban struck them as unnecessary, because the United States was not currently on the list of the top hundred countries to which they would consider travelling.
When asked to name the reasons they felt that a travel ban was superfluous, many of those interviewed cited the United States’s gun violence and crumbling infrastructure, as well as its broken educational and health-care systems, while others singled out its President’s startling disrespect for democratic norms and human rights.
Given those views, most of the foreigners interviewed said they found the news of the Supreme Court’s decision baffling. “When I heard that the United States was having a travel ban, I assumed that was to keep people from leaving,” one respondent said, echoing the sentiments of many.
6/14/18 Trump Agrees to Let Kim Jong Un Have Pence as Manservant
Click for CNN article "Mike Pence's shameless suck up to the boss."
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As new details emerge from this week’s summit in Singapore, the White House has confirmed that Donald J. Trump unilaterally offered to let Kim Jong Un have Mike Pence as his personal manservant.
The offer reportedly came after Kim spoke glowingly to Trump about the Vice-President’s obsequiousness, sources said.
“Even by North Korean standards, Pence puts my toadies to shame,” Kim reportedly said.
Once the necessary paperwork is squared away, Pence could begin bowing and scraping in Pyongyang as early as next week.
Going forward, Pence’s duties as senior sycophant to Trump are expected to be performed by Representative Devin Nunes, Republican of California.
Although State Department insiders were taken by surprise by Trump’s offering of Pence, for whom the U.S. will receive nothing in return, the deal has been met with nearly universal approval.
“At least Trump didn’t give away much this time,” one diplomat said.
Click here for a little bonus clip of Robert de Niro's comments about Trump at the Tony Awards 6/10/18. Alert: Swear word!!!--they ended up bleeping it!
6/11/18 Kim Jong Un Offers to Host Peace Talks Between United States and Canada
SINGAPORE (The Borowitz Report)—One day before his summit with Donald J. Trump, the North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Un, has offered to host peace talks between the United States and Canada.
Speaking to reporters at his hotel in Singapore, Kim said that the rising tensions between the North American neighbors were posing an “intolerable threat to world peace.”
In addition to offering to host U.S.-Canada talks in Pyongyang, Kim urged the immediate creation of a demilitarized zone along the border separating the two hostile nations.
“In exchange for Canadian Mounties agreeing to stand down on their side of the border, the United States, in turn, would dismantle its nuclear weapons,” Kim said.
Although stating that “North Korea stands ready and willing to be an honest broker” in peace talks between the two countries, he urged Trump to dial back the “inflammatory rhetoric” that he aimed at Canadians over the weekend.
“Violent language and threats have no place in international diplomacy,” Kim said.
6/8/18 Macron, Trudeau Say They Weren’t Going to Tell Trump Where G-7 After Party Was
LA MALBAIE, CANADA (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that they were “tremendously relieved” that Donald J. Trump is leaving the G-7 summit early, the leaders of France and Canada said on Friday that they had been planning not to tell Trump the location of the G-7 after party.
Speaking to reporters, Emmanuel Macron and Justin Trudeau said that there had been “total consensus” among non-U.S. participants to withhold information about the time, place, and existence of an after party from Trump.
“The plan was, if Trump asked about an after party, we were going to be, like, ‘Ask Angela Merkel,’ ” Macron said. “Angela was going to totally stonewall him.”
Merkel confirmed that she had planned to tell Trump that she “didn’t think anyone was planning to do anything” after the summit and steadfastly to deny “hearing anything” about an after party.
“I would have had no problem lying to him, despite our two countries going way back, to D-Day or whenever,” Merkel said, rolling her eyes.
Trudeau said that the after party will proceed as scheduled when the G-7 concludes, on Saturday, adding, “Now that Trump is out of here, we’ll really have something to celebrate.”
6/7/18 Schools Cancel White House Tours, Fearing That Trump Might Teach Kids History
Click here for news about Trump's history comment
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Schools across the country have cancelled tours of the White House out of concern that a chance encounter with Donald J. Trump could lead to an attempt by the President to teach their students history.
In an advisory sent to the nation’s schools on Thursday, the American Educators Consortium urged teachers to scrap all scheduled trips to the White House in order “to prevent the hard work you and your students have been doing from being totally undone.”
Carol Foyler, a middle-school history teacher from Bethesda, Maryland, spoke of a “scary moment” during a White House tour last week when her class had a “near-miss” with Trump.
“We were walking by the Oval Office, the door was open, and I could see he was in there,” the educator said. “I just said to my kids, ‘Keep your heads down and walk fast.’ ”
Foyler said that she considers herself lucky to have protected her students from the devastating impact of Trump’s ignorance, and acknowledges that the situation could have been “much worse.”
“What if we had been walking through the West Wing and found ourselves face to face with Trump and Betsy DeVos?” she said. “I don’t even want to think about it.”
6/4/18 Trump’s Lawyers Argue That He Cannot Be Impeached Because He Was Never Actually Elected
Click for one article on the real story.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what they believe is a legal masterstroke, lawyers for Donald J. Trump are now claiming that he cannot be impeached because he was never actually elected.
In a lengthy memo sent to the special counsel, Robert Mueller, the lawyers pushed back vehemently against any allegation that Trump was legally elected President.
“Because Russian interference made the election of Donald J. Trump wholly illegitimate, any attempt to remove him from an office that he does not legally hold is clearly impossible,” the memo asserted.
The memo claimed that the Constitution contains “no provision for removing a person from office when that person was installed there by a foreign power.”
The memo went on to argue that, if a subpoena is sent to the White House, it will be returned to Mueller and stamped “addressee unknown.”
“A person referred to in a subpoena as ‘President’ Donald J. Trump simply does not exist,” the memo claimed.
Minutes after the memo was leaked, the former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani appeared on “Fox & Friends” and proudly announced that he was its author.
“Sometimes I have to just step back and say, ‘Damn it, Rudy, you’re good,’ ” he said, beaming.
6/2/18 Trump Makes Pence Watch Him Issue Pardons to See How It’s Done
Click here for news on Trump's pardons
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—President Donald J. Trump made Vice-President Mike Pence watch him issue pardons for several hours to see how it is done, a White House source confirmed.
According to the source, Trump pardoned a number of disgraced political figures and former reality-show cronies for the sole purpose of training Pence in the art of issuing pardons.
After signing pardon after pardon while Pence looked on intently, Trump commanded the Vice-President to sign a “practice pardon” to prove that he “wouldn’t mess anything up,” the source said.
Before trying his hand at issuing a pardon, Pence heaped praise on Trump for the pardoning demonstration he had just given.
“Mr. President, as in everything you do, your mastery of pardoning has been a wonder to behold,” he said. “I pray to God that, if I am ever called upon to issue a pardon, I do it with one-tenth of the skill and grace you have just displayed.”
“Stop sucking up and sign it,” Trump reportedly snapped.
5/30/18 Trump Addresses Rally of Ambien Users
Click here for news about Roseanne blaming Ambien for racist tweet
NASHVILLE (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump held a rally in Nashville on Tuesday night and addressed his most ardent supporters, people who take the sleep medication known as Ambien.
Trump served up a hefty helping of fiery rhetoric guaranteed to appeal to Ambien users, whose votes propelled him to the White House, in 2016.
Trump defended his use of the word “animals” to describe some undocumented immigrants, earning a huge ovation from the Ambien-dosed crowd.
He also said that Mexico would pay for a wall on its border with the U.S., a claim that he has repeatedly made while under the influence of Ambien.
Although some have criticized Trump for using code words and dog whistles guaranteed to appeal to the worst instincts of his Ambien-using base, Carol Foyler, who attended the Nashville rally, disagreed.
“Donald Trump says what I think when I’m messed up on Ambien,” she said.
5/29/18 White House in Panic Mode After TV Star with Racist Twitter Feed Loses Job
Click here for the scoop on Roseanne.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The White House was reportedly in panic mode Tuesday afternoon, shortly after news broke that a television star with a racist Twitter feed had been fired.
According to a White House source, Donald J. Trump immediately huddled with close advisers to discuss the firing, which, staffers agreed, “set an ominous new precedent.”
“We’ve been living under assumption that a TV personality could tweet out as many racist things as he or she wanted with no consequences,” the source said. “Now, all of a sudden, our worst nightmare has come true.”
White House staffers are reportedly combing through Trump’s thirty-seven thousand tweets, searching for ones that could be deemed fireable offenses, and have so far flagged more than thirty-six thousand of them.
Many on Trump’s team are urging calm, however, claiming that the dismissal of one racist TV star could be an “isolated example.”
“The only people who can fire Donald Trump right now are congressional Republicans, and they don’t have the high moral standards that TV executives have,” the source said.
5/24/18 Trump Furious After Nobel Committee Gives Him Participation Trophy
There are articles all over the internet about this since he canceled the June 12th Kim Jong Un meeting.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump was reportedly furious after the Nobel committee informed him on Thursday that he would not receive a Nobel Peace Prize but would get a participation trophy instead.
In Oslo, a Nobel spokesman said that Trump would have the distinction of becoming the first world leader to receive such a trophy, also known as the Nobel Consolation Prize.
The spokesman displayed the prize, a gold-painted plastic trophy measuring eleven inches in height and featuring a small man at its pinnacle, holding a tiny laurel wreath over his head.
Announcing the award, the Nobel representative said, “Although Donald Trump did not actually achieve peace, he did talk a lot about it, and that should be worth something.”
5/24/18 N.F.L. Adds First Amendment to List of Banned Substances
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—The National Football League has expanded its list of banned substances to include the First Amendment to the United States Constitution, the league confirmed on Wednesday.
Although the N.F.L. has long banned substances such as anabolic steroids and growth hormones, the First Amendment is believed to be the only right guaranteed by the Constitution to be included on the list.
Roger Goodell, the commissioner of the National Football League, said that, by adding the First Amendment to the list of banned substances, the N.F.L was establishing a “policy of zero tolerance on tolerance.”
In order to enforce the ban, Goodell said that players would be tested periodically to determine whether they had used words, gestures, or facial expressions that are strictly prohibited under the new rule.
Speaking at the White House, Donald Trump applauded the league for banning the approximately seventeen hundred N.F.L. players from exercising freedom of speech, and expressed hope that the ban could eventually be expanded to include the other three hundred and twenty-five million Americans.
5/22/18 Trump Says There Are Many Other Koreas He Could Meet With
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Seemingly downplaying the importance of his planned June 12th summit with the North Korean dictator, Kim Jong Un, Donald J. Trump said on Tuesday that there were “many other Koreas” he could meet with.
“I know Kim Jong Un thinks North Korea deserves my attention, but the fact is that there are many, many other Koreas,” he said.
Trump made his comment while seated next to the South Korean President, Moon Jae-in, who appeared startled by the remark.
“There are so many fine Koreas right now,” Trump went on. “Big Koreas. Little Koreas. Beautiful, shiny Koreas. New Koreas are being discovered every day.”
In an apparent jab at Kim, Trump said that he planned on meeting with “only the best Koreas.”
“I’m going to have my people draw up a list of the finest Koreas, and, quite frankly, I don’t know if North Korea would make the top ten,” Trump said.
5/21/18 Trump Says He Has No Idea Who F.B.I. Informant Might Be (7pm--2 in one day)
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump said on Monday that he is “a-hundred-per-cent positive” that an F.B.I. informant infiltrated his 2016 campaign but that he has “absolutely no idea” who that mole might be.
“I’ve been trying to figure out who would have the opportunity and the motive to do something like this,” he said. “But I keep coming up empty.”
“Opportunity-wise, you’d need to be someone who’s in my inner circle and who could get close to me without raising suspicions,” he said. “But, then again, the person would have to be able to suddenly disappear for periods of time and report back to the F.B.I. I can’t think of anyone in a position to do that.”
“As for motive, you’d really have to be out to get me,” Trump added. “Now, I have enemies like anyone else. But I can’t think of anyone I’ve given a reason to really, really hate me.”
Trump said that he would “keep trying to figure out who it is,” but he admitted that, at this point, the informant’s identity was “a total mystery.”
“I’m kind of an amateur detective,” Trump said. “I watch ‘Law & Order,’ I watch all the ‘Law & Order’s. I watch all the shows. But, I’ve got to say, this one has me stumped.”
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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans are demanding an investigation into why, if F.B.I. operatives managed to infiltrate the 2016 Trump campaign, they utterly failed to prevent a nightmarish despot from being elected.
In interviews across the country, Americans expressed dismay and, in some cases, despair at the news that F.B.I. infiltrators might have had a golden opportunity to prevent the nation’s current unspeakable nightmare from unfolding but did not get the job done.
“The thought of F.B.I. infiltrators being inside the Trump campaign but not sabotaging it is, in a word, devastating,” Carol Foyler, of Akron, Ohio, said. “If it turns out to be true, I will totally lose my faith in F.B.I. infiltrators.”
Harland Dorrinson, of St. Petersburg, Florida, agreed. “If F.B.I. infiltrators were in a position to derail the most heinous threat to democracy in American history but didn’t succeed for some reason, that would be bigger than Watergate,” he said.
Tracy Klugian, of Denver, Colorado, said that a “full and exhaustive investigation” is needed to “determine why our system of F.B.I. infiltrators preventing a horrific proto-fascist menace from taking office somehow broke down.”
“We need to find out what went wrong and fix it before the 2020 election,” he said. “I won’t be able to sleep at night until I know that F.B.I. operatives are infiltrating Trump’s reëlection campaign and irreparably crippling it.”
5/16/18 Trump Orders Replica Nobel Peace Prize to Display on His Desk
Here is the real news on this one: 7 governors sign letter backing Trump for Nobel Peace Prize
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump has ordered a replica of the Nobel Peace Prize and is displaying it prominently on his desk in the Oval Office, the White House confirmed on Wednesday.
The replica of the Nobel medallion is mounted on what the White House described as a “tasteful black-velvet background” with an engraved plaque reading, “Donald J. Trump, 2018 Winner.”
At the daily White House briefing, the press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said that Trump “took the initiative” to award himself the Peace Prize rather than “waiting around” for the Nobel committee, in Oslo, to bestow it on him.
“What with his successes in Syria, Iran, North Korea, and whatnot, the President already knows he’s a lock for the Nobel,” she said. “It’s just a formality at this point."
The fake Nobel was first spotted by Henry Klugian, a student who was on a White House tour with his seventh-grade class from Bethesda, Maryland.
“I thought it was kind of weird that he’d have something like that made up for himself, but whatever,” he said.
5/9/18 Trump Considering Pulling U.S. Out of Constitution
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “maybe the worst deal ever,” Donald J. Trump said on Wednesday that he is considering pulling the United States out of the United States Constitution.
“I’ve seen a lot of bad deals in my life, but this Constitution is a total mess,” he said. “We need to tear it up and start over.”
Trump was scathing in his remarks about the two-hundred-and-twenty-nine-year-old document, singling out for special scorn its insistence on three branches of government. “The branches thing is maybe the worst part of this deal,” he said. “The first thing we do when we pull out of the Constitution is get rid of two of those branches.”
He also called the First Amendment “something that really has to go.”
“No one in his right mind would put something like that in a Constitution,” he said. “Russia doesn’t have it. North Korea doesn’t have it. All the best countries don’t have it.”
He stopped short of accusing his predecessor, Barack Obama, of writing the United States Constitution, but said, “He’s working hard behind the scenes trying to save it, because he knows that the Constitution is very, very bad for me.”
Vowing to replace the Constitution with “a new, much, much better Constitution,” he acknowledged that there might be some elements of the original document worth salvaging. “We’re going to keep the Second Amendment,” he said, “and definitely the Fifth.”
5/7/18 Trump Removes Giuliani from Legal Team by Naming Him New White House Doctor
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a move that has stirred controversy in both legal and medical circles, Donald J. Trump removed Rudy Giuliani from his legal team on Monday by naming him the new White House doctor.
The decision to appoint the former New York mayor to such a key medical position raised eyebrows, in no small part because Giuliani would become the first White House doctor in history not to possess a medical degree.
But, in an official White House briefing to announce the decision, the press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, pushed back against the criticism of Giuliani’s nonexistent medical credentials. “Rudolph Giuliani is every bit as qualified to be a doctor as he is to be a lawyer,” she said.
Dr. Giuliani hit the ground running in his new job, immediately scheduling an hour-long appearance on Sean Hannity’s Fox News program to discuss the state of Trump’s health.
“Is the President’s mental health good?” Giuliani asked on the air. “Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. Is he all there? You really have to define what you mean by ‘all.’ If he’s out of his mind, so what? That’s nobody’s business. The important thing is, I’m on TV again talking a lot, and I’ve never felt so alive.”
5/3/18 Mueller Reportedly Considering Appropriate Thank-You Gift for Giuliani
I knew this Borowitz Report was coming (PURE GOLD)-Click here for the real news
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The special counsel, Robert Mueller, is actively considering what would be the most appropriate thank-you gift to send to the former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani, a source close to Mueller’s team has confirmed.
According to the source, Mueller and his team were behind closed doors on Thursday morning to discuss the gift and appear to be close to a decision.
“They’ve been around and around on this, but a consensus seems to be forming on a bottle of single-malt Scotch,” the source said.
Moments after the news of Mueller’s gift to Giuliani leaked, however, Michael Avenatti, Stormy Daniels’s lawyer, indicated that he had already sent Giuliani a single-malt Scotch on Thursday morning and advised Mueller to select an alternative gift, such as Dom Pérignon champagne or beluga caviar.
Responding to Avenatti’s comments, federal prosecutors investigating Michael Cohen issued a statement asserting that they had, in fact, sent Giuliani an entire case of champagne last night, which would appear to leave caviar as Mueller’s only remaining gift option.
The source close to Mueller said that, no matter what gift the special counsel ultimately chooses, it will be an inadequate token of gratitude. “You can’t put a price tag on what Rudy has done for Bob,” the source said.
5/2/18 Trump Deletes Nine Tweets While Attempting to Spell “Subpoena”
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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump deleted nine tweets early Wednesday morning in a failed attempt to spell the word “subpoena,” a White House source confirmed.
According to the source, Trump spent more than an hour angrily trying to spell the legal term before giving up in disgust.
“I’ve never seen him so enraged,” the source said. “He hates the word ‘subpoena’ more than the E.P.A. hates the words ‘climate’ and ‘change.’ ”
Having been flummoxed in the past while trying to spell such words as “heel” and “tap,” Trump now believes that the word “subpoena” is “out to get him,” the source said.
Speaking to reporters later in the morning, Trump called the word “subpoena” “disgraceful” and said that it had treated him “very unfairly,” but stopped short of threatening to fire it from the dictionary.
4/30/18 N.R.A. Gun Ban During Pence’s Speech Leaves Him Vulnerable to Bear Attack, DeVos Warns
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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The National Rifle Association’s decision to ban guns during Mike Pence’s speech at its annual meeting in Dallas this week “leaves him totally vulnerable to a bear attack,” the Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos, warned on Monday.
Speaking to reporters at the Education Department, DeVos said that she was “deeply concerned” that the N.R.A. was underestimating the danger posed to Pence by “the savagery of one rogue bear.”
“All it would take is one angry bear to ruin what otherwise promises to be a really nice gun event,” she said.
She added that, after contacting the N.R.A. leadership, she was alarmed to discover that there would be no bear detectors at the entrance to the Dallas venue.
“A bear can simply waltz in there,” she said, shaking her head. “This is madness.”
DeVos urged the gun organization to rethink its plan and insure that every member of the audience for Pence’s speech is fully armed.
“If there are no guns, that is sending a very dangerous message to bears,” she said.
4/25/18 Americans Startled by Spectacle of President Who Can Speak English
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Americans who were watching television on Wednesday morning witnessed the startling spectacle of an English-speaking President, viewers have confirmed.
All of the major cable news networks interrupted their regularly scheduled programs to cover the phenomenon, as a man who was identified as “President” spoke in complete, grammatically correct English sentences with no visible sign of strain or discomfort.
Just minutes into the telecast, thousands of viewers called the networks to inquire if they were witnessing a hoax.
“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” Carol Foyler, a viewer in Akron, Ohio, said. “It had to be special effects or something.”
While the spectacle might have appeared jarring to many, cable news insiders reported that the networks had in fact aired several hundred speeches by an English-speaking President between the years 2009 and 2017.
4/24/18 Bezos Says That When Pee Tape Is Released It Will Be Free for All Amazon Prime Members
SEATTLE (The Borowitz Report)—Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, announced on Tuesday that when the purported “pee tape” becomes available it will be offered free to all Amazon Prime members.
Speaking to reporters in Seattle, Bezos said that the pee-tape offer was “consistent with Amazon’s mandate to offer the highest-quality content to our customers.”
Bezos acknowledged that the tape had not surfaced yet, but said that Amazon was “working around the clock to make that happen.”
Bezos’s offer drew a mixed response from Prime members, with some begging Amazon not to offer the pee tape to them.
Over all, though, interest in the tape was robust, as pre-orders for the item quickly made it the highest-ranking product on the entire Amazon site.
According to its product page, customers who bought the pee tape also bought “A Higher Loyalty” by James Comey.
4/20/18 Mueller Says That Until Yesterday He Had Almost Forgotten to Investigate Giuliani
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The independent counsel, Robert Mueller, told reporters that, prior to news reports on Thursday, he had “almost forgotten” to investigate the former New York mayor Rudolph Giuliani.
“Like most Americans, I had totally forgotten about Rudy Giuliani’s existence,” he said. “But then when he popped up on the news I was, like, ‘Hold on—shouldn’t we be investigating him?’ ”
Mueller was at a loss to explain why he had failed to investigate Giuliani earlier. “I have no idea how it could have slipped my mind,” he said. “His role in Trump’s campaign was as fishy as all get-out.”
He said that other members of his team were “poking fun” at him for not deciding to investigate Giuliani before Thursday. “I mean, think about it: how do you do a criminal investigation of the Trump campaign and leave Rudy out of it?” he said. “I’ve got to say, I’m pretty darn embarrassed about the whole thing.”
When asked for an estimate of when the Russia inquiry might wrap up, Mueller responded, “I honestly can’t say. I was hoping to bring it to a close in the next month or two, but now that we’re also investigating Rudy Giuliani, God only knows how long it’ll take.”
4/20/18 Trump Hires Only Lawyer in U.S. with Fewer Clients Than Michael Cohen
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The White House announced on Thursday that Donald Trump had successfully secured the services of Rudolph Giuliani, after an exhaustive search for an attorney with fewer clients than Michael D. Cohen.
“President Trump had become concerned in recent days that Mr. Cohen might be too distracted to pay full attention to his case, what with him having two other clients and all,” Sarah Huckabee Sanders, the White House press secretary, said. “So the search was on for a lawyer with zero clients, and with the hiring of Mayor Giuliani, the President believes he has hit the jackpot.”
Speaking to reporters, Giuliani agreed that, by virtue of having three fewer clients than Cohen, he was uniquely qualified to give Trump his full attention. “There is absolutely no chance of my ever putting him on hold,” Giuliani said.
While the former New York mayor’s hiring got high marks from Trump’s inner circle, it drew a bitter reaction from Chris Christie, the former governor of New Jersey, who angrily pointed out that he had not been considered for the job despite having as few clients as Giuliani. “Not only do I have absolutely no clients, I have even less going on, career-wise, than Rudy Giuliani,” Christie said. “Once again, I’ve been screwed.”
4/17/18 Nation Shocked to Learn of Possible Bias at Fox News
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans were stunned and incredulous on Monday after learning of a possible incident of bias at Fox News Channel.
At a time when so many American institutions have been under attack, the possibility that Fox, one of the nation’s most respected news organizations, might be susceptible to hidden agendas was too much for many to take.
In interviews across the country, Fox viewers expressed disappointment, confusion, and shock that a news network known for its exacting standards had imperilled its hard-earned reputation for fairness.
“I’m devastated by this,” Carol Foyler, a viewer from Scottsdale, Arizona, said. “If we can’t trust Fox News, who can we trust?”
Tracy Klugian, a viewer from Akron, Ohio, said that he had been “walking around in a state of disbelief” since he learned of possible bias at the network. “I’m trying to be strong, but it’s tough,” he said. “I know I speak for a lot of people when I say that today was the day that America lost its innocence.”
But some Fox viewers, like Harland Dorrinson, of Topeka, Kansas, warned of a “rush to judgment” against Fox, urging people to remember the network’s stellar record of journalistic accomplishments.
“Whenever there was a national emergency, whether it was Benghazi, Hillary’s e-mails, or Obama’s birth certificate, Fox News was there,” he said. “One little mistake doesn’t wash all that away.”
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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—One week after lambasting the F.B.I.’s raid on Michael D. Cohen’s office as a “fishing expedition,” Sean Hannity said that he “totally forgot,” when he made those comments, that Michael D. Cohen was his lawyer.
“When I called the raid on Michael D. Cohen’s office a ‘fishing expedition’ last week, it completely slipped my mind that my lawyer is, in fact, Michael D. Cohen,” the Fox News host told his viewers. “My bad.”
“If I had remembered at the time that Michael D. Cohen was my lawyer, and that some of the documents that were seized most likely involve me, I would of course have mentioned those things on the air,” he said. “But honestly, the name ‘Michael D. Cohen,’ and the address of his office, just did not ring a bell.”
Hannity said that his wife would “have a field day” with his forgetting Michael D. Cohen’s name, because she always teases him for “having a brain like a sieve.”
“I’m always forgetting things,” he said. “My phone password. My keys. The name of my lawyer who did private stuff for me. That’s old Sean for you. I’m hopeless.”
In closing, he said that his newly uncovered connection to the F.B.I. investigation would “in no way” affect his coverage of the probe.
“I promise you, my viewers, that I will be fair and balanced, even though my lawyer is—what’s his name again?” Hannity said. “I had it on the tip of my tongue.”
4/16/18 Melania Says Comey’s Book Not as Mean as the One She Is Writing
Click the link above to see the photo of Melania.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Melania Trump said on Monday that she did not understand the controversy swirling around James Comey’s new memoir, because the book she is writing is “so much meaner.”
Speaking to reporters at the White House, she said that she had obtained an advance copy of Comey’s book because she “couldn’t wait to read it,” but said that she found its tone and contents disappointingly mild.
“It felt like he was pulling his punches,” she said. “No one will say that when they read my book.”
She said that, as a fellow-author, she had sympathy for Comey. “Clearly, he was trying very hard to be nasty, and he deserves credit for effort,” she said. “But I will show him how it is done.”
When reporters expressed surprise at the news that Trump was writing a book, she replied, “I am alone much of the time. That is ideal for a writer. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I must get back to my desk.”
4/12/18 Amazon Apologizes for Shipping Ten Thousand Copies of Comey’s Book to White House
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a “regrettable accident,” Amazon apologized on Thursday for shipping ten thousand advance copies of James Comey’s book, “A Higher Loyalty,” to the White House.
Cartons of the book arrived early Thursday morning and kept coming throughout the day, until stacks of the book clogged virtually every hallway and office in the building.
Reportedly, Donald J. Trump was so incensed by the book situation that he screamed at Mike Pence while the Vice-President was in the middle of praising him, one source said.
The White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, called any speculation that Trump had ordered Comey’s book “absurd,” adding, “The President does not order reading material.”
Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon, said that he had “absolutely no idea” how the ten thousand Comey books made their way to the White House, but advised Trump to follow the procedures on the Amazon Web site for returning unwanted merchandise.
“You can print up the return labels at home,” he said. “The books should be picked up and out of there in two weeks, three weeks, max.”
Bezos said that shipping the ten thousand books back to the company’s warehouse would not be overly costly for Amazon. “We get an amazing deal on postage,” he said.
4/11/18 Furious Koch Brothers Sell Paul Ryan on eBay
In case you haven't heard, Paul Ryan is not seeking re-election.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a fit of pique, David and Charles Koch have unceremoniously listed House Speaker Paul Ryan for sale on the auction site eBay.
The Kochs, who reportedly had purchased Ryan for a sum estimated in the tens of millions, now seem likely to lose their entire investment.
According to Ryan’s listing on the auction site, the Kochs set a five-hundred-dollar asking price for the used congressman, a figure that, in light of the tepid bidding for him, seems optimistic.
“Granted, owning Paul Ryan doesn’t have the benefits that it’s had for David and Charles for all of these years, but the status of owning a former Speaker of the House has to be worth something,” one Koch associate said. “Certainly more than the current high bid of seventeen dollars.”
The eBay listing suggested several possible uses for the former House Speaker, including as a Halloween ornament or garden gnome.
4/9/18 Fox News Says It Will Decide Trump’s Syria Response in Next Forty-Eight Hours
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Fox News Channel announced on Monday that it would decide what Donald J. Trump’s Syria response will be in the next forty-eight hours.
At a press conference at the network’s headquarters, Sean Hannity, Judge Jeanine Pirro, and the “Fox & Friends” co-host Steve Doocy said that, as the people who have been entrusted with the decision of whether to use military force, they were not taking their responsibility lightly.
“The U.S. military is the mightiest force in all the world,” Hannity said. “However we decide that President Trump will use that force in Syria, we promise that it will be a decision he will be proud of.”
Pirro said that she and her colleagues were taking “full advantage of the entire Fox News brain trust” to craft Trump’s Syria response. “The American people should sleep well at night knowing that we are keeping Tucker Carlson in the loop,” she said.
Ending the press conference on an urgent note, Doocy spoke directly to President Trump. “Mr. President, we’ll have a decision for you in the next forty-eight hours,” he said. “Don’t change the channel.”
4/5/18 Mexico Agrees to Pay for Trump’s Psychiatric Care
MEXICO CITY (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to resolve the seemingly intractable conflict over immigration, Mexico surprised the world on Thursday by agreeing to pay for Donald J. Trump’s psychiatric care.
Speaking to reporters, the Mexican President, Enrique Peña Nieto, said that he had authorized funding for the psychiatry and proclaimed, “Work on Donald Trump could begin tomorrow.”
Peña Nieto displayed several photographs showing prototypes of therapists, including a bearded Freudian analyst whom he said came highly recommended.
While some Mexican taxpayers argued that a full course of psychiatric treatment could prove more costly than a border wall, Peña Nieto warned against skimping on such a necessary expense.
“When the safety and security of the world is at stake, eight hundred dollars an hour is a bargain,” he said, but added that Mexico would try to find a therapist who takes insurance.
4/4/18 Scott Walker Dismayed That Wisconsin Apparently Smarter Despite Cuts in Education
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MADISON (The Borowitz Report)—Scott Walker, the governor of Wisconsin, said on Wednesday that he was “dismayed and alarmed” that people in his state had somehow become smarter despite substantial cuts in education.
“Ever since I took office, I have slashed education with the goal of making the voters of this state markedly dumber and incapable of critical thinking,” he told reporters. “Instead, what I am looking at is a doomsday scenario.”
Walker said that his cuts were based on a theory known as “trickle-up stupidity,” in which students in Wisconsin’s schools would become less informed and their ignorance would eventually infect their voting-age parents.
“Clearly, what looked like a can’t-miss plan on paper has not panned out,” he said.
Although Walker said that “it’s not time yet to press the panic button,” he warned that a so-called Smart Wave could be coming in his state.
“If Wisconsin voters continue to get smarter, that will be the end of me,” he said.
4/2/18 Sinclair TV Anchor Suddenly Begins Reading News in Russian
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AKRON, OHIO (The Borowitz Report)—Viewers of the Sinclair station in Akron were startled on Monday when a longtime news anchor, Carol Foyler, inexplicably began reading the evening news report in Russian.
Foyler, who is not of Russian heritage, greeted her audience with a hearty “Zdravstvuyte,” and then read the evening’s top stories entirely in her newly adopted language.
After racing through the local coverage, Foyler abruptly segued to footage of the Russian President, Vladimir Putin, admiring the launch of his nation’s highly touted new Satan-2 missile.
Viewers flooded the station with complaints, with many expressing alarm that, in the words of one audience member, “something was up with Carol.”
“Maybe she’s taking Russian classes in her spare time, or something like that,” Harland Dorrinson, a loyal viewer of the Sinclair station, said. “Still, it made it really hard to understand the weather.”
Responding to the outpouring of concern about her, Foyler later issued the following English-language statement: “I am being treated well here. My loved ones need not worry.”
4/2/18 Fired Trump Staffers Hold Reunion
HOUSTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former White House staffers who were fired by Donald Trump held their first reunion on Easter Sunday in Houston’s Astrodome.
The event, which drew a crowd of approximately sixty-five thousand people, had been organized by the recently axed Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.
“The turnout is just outstanding,” a beaming Tillerson told reporters. “Of course, most of these people didn’t have anything else to do.”
The reunion was a veritable Who’s Who of dismissed Trump staffers, with such luminaries as Anthony Scaramucci, Sean Spicer, H. R. McMaster, Reince Priebus, and Steve Bannon spotted side by side at a make-your-own-taco station.
While the event ran smoothly for the most part, there was one minor hiccup when David Shulkin, the former Secretary of Veterans Affairs, was briefly denied entry until he could prove that he had actually been fired rather than having resigned.
“We made it very clear from the outset that this party was for fired staffers only,” Tillerson said. “But once David walked us through exactly how he got canned we were, like, O.K., you can come in.”
Given the success of the reunion, Tillerson said that it was “more than likely” that he would schedule a similar gathering for next year, but added, “We’re going to need a bigger stadium.”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hours after an armed teacher in a Northern California classroom fired a gun and injured a student, the head of the National Rifle Association proposed placing a second armed teacher in every classroom, to shoot the first armed teacher before he or she can do harm.
“Had there been a second armed teacher in the classroom to shoot the first armed teacher, this regrettable incident would never have occurred,” Wayne LaPierre said. “The only thing that stops a bad teacher with a gun is a good teacher with a gun.”
The N.R.A. executive vice-president said, “In a perfect world, you would have a third armed teacher, in case the second one messes up, but right now I’d settle for two.”
He blamed anti-gun activists for blocking measures that would allow multiple teachers with guns to shoot at one another and thus keep the nation’s classrooms safe. “It’s time to stop the madness,” he said.
3/14/18 Vladimir Putin Concedes Defeat in Pennsylvania Special Election
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the result “close but no cigar,” Vladimir Putin has conceded defeat in Tuesday night’s special congressional election in Pennsylvania.
Speaking to reporters at the Kremlin, Putin thanked the many Russian campaign workers who tried but failed to propel the Republican candidate, Rick Saccone, into the winner’s circle.
“Our social-media trolls did some of their finest work to put Rick over the top, but, in the final analysis, we were a day late and a ruble short,” the Russian President said.
Putin had high praise for the Democratic candidate, Conor Lamb, who, he said, “managed to win in a district that I easily delivered to Donald Trump in 2016.”
But he belittled the attempts of Republican officials like the House Speaker, Paul Ryan, to sugarcoat the Pennsylvania defeat.
“Last night should be a wake-up call for Republicans everywhere,” Putin warned. “The midterms are less than eight months away. Let’s get to work.”
3/14/18 Rex Tillerson: I Hope Trump Finds Out He’s Impeached on Twitter
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a freewheeling conversation with reporters after his departure from the State Department on Tuesday, Rex Tillerson said that he “really hopes” that Donald Trump finds out that he is being impeached on Twitter.
“I mean, the way I see it playing out, he’s up at 3 a.m., starting a new feud with Oprah or someone, and that’s when he finds out,” Tillerson said. “My only regret is that I won’t be there to see it.”
Tillerson started laughing in what some witnesses described as a demonic manner as he imagined Trump learning of his impeachment on Twitter.
“I mean, you have to picture him with his BlackBerry in his itty-bitty hands, and that’s how he finds out,” Tillerson cackled. “It would serve the bastard right.”
Composing himself, Tillerson added, “Let me make something clear. I’ve done well for myself. I’ve lived a full life and, by any measure, a successful one. But, if there’s one last thing I have on my bucket list, it’s that Donald Trump finds out he’s being shitcanned on Twitter. I mean, you want to talk about sweet.”
3/12/18 Betsy DeVos Calls “60 Minutes” a Waste of a Half Hour
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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Furious about her treatment on the CBS news-magazine program on Sunday night, Betsy DeVos spoke to reporters on Monday, and called “60 Minutes” a “total waste of a half hour.”
“I had never watched ‘60 Minutes’ before, but I can tell you this, I will never watch it again,” the Education Secretary said. “I have better things to do with a half hour of my time.”
Calling her interviewer, Lesley Stahl, a practitioner of “gotcha journalism at its worst,” DeVos said that it was “very unfair of her to ask me so many questions about education.”
“She asked me one thing about schools, and then another, and another,” she said. “If I had to answer every question she had about schools, I would have had to bone up on education for a month.”
DeVos said that she was “frustrated” that Stahl neglected to ask her about any of her “really good ideas” for the nation’s schools, such as “purchasing guns for teachers with money that is currently being wasted on books.”
“If a bear comes into your classroom, throwing a book at him will only stun him momentarily, at best,” DeVos said.
3/9/18 Kim Jong Un Reveals He Is Just Using Trump to Meet Stormy Daniels
PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—Kim Jong Un has revealed to close associates that he has offered to meet Donald J. Trump only as a means of achieving his real goal: meeting the former adult-film star Stormy Daniels.
A confidant of the North Korean dictator said that Kim revealed his true intentions behind the Trump invitation at a high-level government meeting on Thursday night. “Kim said that he was a big fan of Stormy’s, and he decided that meeting with Trump would be a ‘necessary evil’ if he wanted a chance to meet her,” the confidant said.
According to the confidant, Kim first attempted to arrange a meeting with Daniels through his close friend, the former N.B.A. player Dennis Rodman, “but, when Dennis said that he didn’t know Stormy, Kim was, like, ‘Oh, well, I guess I’ll have to go through Trump, then.’ ”
Kim reportedly is prepared to use whatever leverage is necessary to force Trump to broker the meeting with the erstwhile porn performer. “If Kim doesn’t get to meet Stormy, the missile tests resume,” the confidant said.
When told about Kim’s real reason for offering to meet with Trump, a White House aide initially expressed shock, but then added, “Now everything makes sense.”
3/1/18 Kushner Close to Obtaining Clearance for Other Government Facility
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Just days after losing his top security clearance at the White House, Jared Kushner could soon be eligible to enter another high-security government facility, legal experts believe.
According to Davis Logsdon, a law professor at the University of Minnesota, Kushner could be on the verge of obtaining “long-term clearance” at this separate facility, which, like the White House, is owned and operated by the federal government.
Logsdon said that, although such a facility lacks some of the prestige of 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Kushner would have access to government benefits there that far exceed what he has received as an unpaid adviser at the White House.
“All of his meals and housing would be fully paid for by the taxpayer,” Logsdon said. “And, if things play out the way some believe they will, Jared Kushner could be receiving these benefits for decades to come.”
While gaining entry to another government facility so soon after losing security clearance at the White House would represent an extraordinary comeback for Kushner, it would not come without a price, the law professor warned.
“Jared Kushner might have to put his plans to bring peace to the Middle East on hold,” he said.
2/28/18 Sarah Huckabee Sanders Organizing “Million Liars March” to Support Hope Hicks
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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said on Wednesday that she was organizing a “Million Liars March” to support her co-worker Hope Hicks.
Calling on “American liars from every walk of life” to march, Sanders said that she had already received commitments from hundreds of liars in the White House, the Cabinet, and Congress.
“These people realize what’s at stake,” she said. “It’s not just Hope Hicks’s career—it’s the lying life style itself.”
“White lies like Hope’s were the lies of a promising beginner,” she said. “If Hope had been allowed to grow as liar, I have no doubt that someday she could have been as consistent a dispenser of ginormous whoppers as I am.”
She said that, if Hope Hicks is villainized, “where will the next generation of liars come from?”
Sanders said that the Million Liars March would address other issues of importance to the nation’s liars, such as a ban on lie detectors and a mandatory waiting period before statements can be fact-checked.
At the end of her announcement, Sanders appeared to choke back tears as she swore loyalty to her embattled colleague. “I believe in the mendacity of Hope,” she said.
2/28/18 Trump Wonders Who Will Read Classified Documents Aloud to Him Now That Jared’s Gone
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—With Jared Kushner losing his top security clearance, Donald J. Trump is concerned that there will be no one to read classified documents aloud to him anymore, White House aides have confirmed.
The aides, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that Kushner’s recitation of top-secret documents had become something of a bedtime ritual for Trump.
“Jared would kind of tuck him in and then start reading aloud a document about, say, North Korea’s nuclear program or whatnot,” one aide said. “It got to be something that the President would look forward to.”
Whenever Kushner was away on business trips to the United Arab Emirates, China, or other foreign countries, other members of the White House staff would try to fill in for him at bedtime, but Trump would always petulantly reject them.
“He’d be, like, ‘You’re no good. I want Jared,’ ” the aide said.
According to the aide, Kushner had a “special way” of reading classified documents to Trump, “very slowly and leaving out any long words.”
“He’d read in kind of a high, whispery voice that the President found soothing,” the aide said. “Within seconds, he was fast asleep.”
2/27/18 Trump Hides Under Desk After Diet Coke Can Opens Loudly (click link to see photo)
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a moment of high drama at the White House on Tuesday morning, Donald J. Trump dove under his desk after a can of Diet Coke opened with an unexpectedly loud sound.
Moments earlier, Trump had pressed a button on his desk, summoning Vice-President Mike Pence to the Oval Office to serve him the frosty beverage.
According to one aide, when Pence opened the can, it made “an unusually loud noise,” sending Trump ducking under his desk in a millisecond.
At a news conference, minutes later, the press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, attempted to tamp down speculation that Trump had acted in a cowardly manner during the Diet Coke incident. “The President prudently repositioned himself under his desk in an aggressive crouch,” she said. “He was ready for anything.”
Pence agreed with her assessment. “The President was putting himself in a position where, if need be, he could defend the entire country against an attack,” he said. “I, for one, am honored to serve a man of such valor.”
The White House physician, Ronny Jackson, also had high praise for Trump. “He has the ability to flee a loud noise of a man half his age,” the doctor said.
2/26/18 Trump Orders Parade to Celebrate His Hypothetical Act of Heroism in Florida School
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Shortly after he declared that he would have run into a Florida high school unarmed to thwart a mass shooting, Donald J. Trump announced that he was planning a parade in Washington, D.C., to celebrate his hypothetical act of heroism.
“Anyone can act with bravery in the moment,” Trump told reporters in the White House. “But it takes a very special kind of hero to tell people about the incredibly brave thing he would have done weeks after the thing happened.”
He added that it was one of his greatest regrets that bone spurs prevented him from serving in the Vietnam War, “because the really courageous things I would have done during that war would have been off the charts.”
“As soon as the Tet Offensive happened, I would have run unarmed right into that mess,” he said. “We probably would have won the war right after I did that.”
Trump said that the parade he was ordering would honor not only him but all of America’s “last responders.”
According to a new poll, Trump’s assertion that he would have run into the Florida high school unarmed was believed by his daughter Ivanka.
2/21/18 Trump Furious After Twitter’s Bot Purge Leaves Him with Fourteen Followers
Click Here for the real news story about twitter bots.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump was reportedly “furious” on Wednesday morning after a purge of right-wing bots by Twitter left him with a total of fourteen remaining followers, aides have confirmed.
Rising at 3 a.m. to engage in one of his trademark early-morning tweetstorms, Trump was incensed to discover that his Twitter following had plummeted from more than forty-eight million to a little more than a dozen.
At Twitter headquarters, in San Francisco, a company spokesman confirmed that Trump had indeed lost 48,076,920 followers in the bot purge. “It turned out that over forty-six million of the President’s followers came from a single troll farm in Macedonia,” the spokesman said.
As of Wednesday, Trump’s fourteen remaining Twitter followers included his daughter Ivanka; his sons Eric and Donald, Jr.; several White House aides; and someone named Heinrich Himmler III.
“We’re praying that Heinrich is a real person,” a White House aide said. “The President can’t afford to lose another follower.”
2/14/18 Millions of Americans Demand $130,000 for Not Having Sex with Trump
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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Millions of Americans on Wednesday demanded that Donald J. Trump’s personal lawyer, Michael D. Cohen, issue them checks in the amount of $130,000 for not having sex with Trump.
After Cohen revealed that he had issued such a check to Stormy Daniels, a porn star who he claims never had intimate relations with his client, there was widespread outrage among other Americans who had also not had sex with Trump but had not been paid for not doing so.
“Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for Stormy Daniels,” Tracy Klugian, a florist in Santa Rosa, California, said. “I just want my check, too.”
Harland Dorrinson, a bank teller in Akron, Ohio, said that he had already e-mailed Cohen to demand payment. “I have never come close to having sex with Trump, and that should be worth something,” he said. “Specifically, $130,000.”
But, even as millions of Americans clamored to be compensated for abstaining from sex with Cohen’s client, others, like Carol Foyler, of Tallahassee, Florida, took a different view. “Never having sex with Donald Trump should be a reward in itself,” she said.
2/12/18 Nation Cruelly Reminded That It Once Had a President
Link to the portraits of Barack and Michelle Obama
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a televised event that many deemed unnecessarily cruel, millions of Americans were briefly reminded on Monday that they once had a President.
Unsuspecting Americans who turned on cable news Monday morning were suddenly assaulted with the memory of a time when the country’s domestic affairs, international diplomacy, and nuclear codes were entrusted to an adult.
CNN, one of the networks that televised the event, immediately said that it regretted doing so, and acknowledged that reminding Americans that they recently had a President had caused widespread bereavement and distress. “CNN deeply apologizes for the error,” a network statement read. “It will never happen again.”
Compounding the cruelty of the televised event, the networks lingered unnecessarily on a speech that only served to remind viewers that the nation once had a President who rigorously obeyed rules of grammar and diction.
Finally, the reminder that the country recently had a chief executive who loved and respected his wife was deemed “too much” by many viewers, who felt compelled to change the channel.
“It was horrible,” Carol Foyler, a viewer who was traumatized by the broadcast, said. “It’s like when you stumble on a photo of an ex on Facebook and they unfortunately look amazing.”
2/9/18 Kim Jong Un Taunts Trump with Photo of Hair Withstanding Gale-Force Wind
In case you missed Trump's bad hair day, click here.
PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—In a week when Donald J. Trump suffered the worst hair day of his Presidency, North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un taunted his American nemesis by releasing a photo of his own hair easily withstanding a gale-force wind.
The photo showed a broadly smiling Kim, his hair seemingly unperturbed by what the state-run Korean Central News Agency (KCNA) claimed were winds gusting up to fifty miles per hour.
According to KCNA’s news release, “Dear Leader’s mighty wind-resistant raven mane easily overmatches the American dotard’s sparse bleached strands.”
Perhaps in response to Kim’s taunt, the White House doctor, Ronny Jackson, held a hastily scheduled press conference to give an upbeat assessment of Trump’s hair.
“I have thoroughly examined the President’s hair, and in my medical opinion it is substantially thicker, lusher, and more luxuriant than Kim Jong Un’s hair,” he said, adding, “I hate myself.”
2/7/18 Military Refuses to Participate in Trump’s Parade, Citing Bone Spurs
Click here for the real news about the parade.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The Pentagon has turned down Donald J. Trump’s request for a grand military parade in Washington, D.C., citing a sudden outbreak of bone spurs that would prevent men and women in uniform from participating.
Harland Dorrinson, a Pentagon spokesman, said that, within an hour of Trump’s request, more than a hundred thousand military personnel complained that they were suffering from acute cases of bone spurs that would make marching in such a parade a painful ordeal.
“In the history of the U.S. military, we have never experienced a bone-spur epidemic of this magnitude,” the spokesman said. “Regrettably, however, we have no choice but to issue thousands of deferments.”
A statement from the bone-spur sufferers said that they would continue to valiantly serve their country around the world in a non-marching capacity, and offered an alternative to their participation in Trump’s proposed pageant.
“President Trump is welcome to march in the parade all by himself if he would finally like to enlist,” the statement read.
2/6/18 Under Pressure from Fox News, Obama to Stop Making Stocks Plummet
Click here for the real article about Hannity blaming Obama for the crash.
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—One day after the Fox News Channel host Sean Hannity blamed him for the historic plunge in the Dow Jones Industrial Average, former President Barack Obama agreed to stop making stocks tumble.
“Sean Hannity has accused me of making the stock market go down,” Obama told reporters on Tuesday morning. “All I have to say is, ‘Guilty as charged.’ ”
A visibly chastened Obama said that, at first, he thought that he had gotten away with making the stock market crash, but when he saw Hannity blame him on Fox, “I knew I had been busted.”
Obama offered scant explanation for why he had made stocks crash on Monday. “I guess since leaving the White House I haven’t really found enough ways to fill my time, so tanking the stock market seemed like something to do,” he said. “But I know that’s not a good excuse. The fact is, I caused a lot of folks a lot of pain yesterday, and for that I am very, very sorry.”
He said that he would “get to work right away” to return stocks to their previously lofty levels. “I made the stock market go down, and, darn it, I can make it go up again,” he said.
BTW, you might also enjoy this little video from a Britain show: “Tips On Interviewing an Aspiring Dictator” in response to the Piers Morgan interview with Trump:
2/5/18 Trump Considering Firing Dow Jones Industrial Average
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After watching it suffer its worst losses since he became President, Donald Trump is “seriously considering” firing the Dow Jones industrial Average, aides have confirmed.
According to the aides, Trump is “furious” at the D.J.I.A. for going down so precipitously and believes that it has treated him “very unfairly.”
“Increasingly, the President has become convinced that the Dow Jones Industrial Average is not on his team,” one aide said. “Seeing the negative Dow numbers in the corner of the TV screen has been wrecking eleven hours of every day for him.”
Reportedly, Trump is mulling replacing the Dow with a new system, in which Sarah Huckabee Sanders would appear every day at 4 p.m. to announce how high stocks had skyrocketed.
En route to an appearance in Ohio, Trump stopped short of saying that he would ask for the stock market index’s resignation, but his contempt for the Dow was palpable.
“The Dow Jones Industrial Average is a disgrace, and it should be very, very ashamed of itself,” he said.
2/2/18 Former Hippies Put in Horrible Position of Rooting for F.B.I.
Click here for an article prompting this report.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former hippies across the United States have been put in the unbearable position of rooting for the F.B.I., hippies have confirmed.
From Vermont to California, erstwhile hippies bemoaned a nightmare scenario that has forced them to side with a law-enforcement agency they have despised since the Summer of Love.
“I always dreamed I’d spend my retirement surrounded by my grandchildren, telling them that the F.B.I. were fascist pigs,” Carol Foyler, a former hippie who lives in Santa Cruz, said. “That dream has been shot to hell.”
Her husband, Mick, nodded his head in sad agreement. “We were so happy when pot was legalized in California,” he said. “But the fact that we’re now on the same side as the F.B.I. has ruined even that.”
Now in their seventies, the Foylers are spending their days doing things they never dreamed possible when they traipsed through the mud at Woodstock: going door to door in Santa Cruz, asking other former freaks to sign a pro-F.B.I. petition.
“Donald Trump has wrecked America’s standing around the world, spread misogyny and bigotry, ravaged the environment, and endorsed a child molester,” Carol said. “But making people like us support the F.B.I. is the most unforgivable thing he’s done.”
1/30/18 Trump Collapses From Exhaustion After Ninety Minutes of Faking Empathy
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump collapsed from exhaustion after approximately ninety minutes of pretending to be a human being with empathy, the White House doctor has confirmed.
“In all my years of practicing medicine, I have never met a patient as healthy and vigorous as President Trump,” Dr. Ronny Jackson said. “But the sustained effort of simulating compassion proved too much for someone who has never exercised that part of his brain before.”
Shortly after Trump spent a gruelling ninety minutes pretending to care about immigrants, the unemployed, and other people whom he normally dismisses as losers, aides noticed that he was turning from a bright orange to a slightly paler orange before crumpling to the ground in a giant heap.
“If you have never spent a moment thinking about a human being besides yourself, imagine trying to pretend you are doing that for a solid ninety minutes,” Jackson said. “It’s physically punishing.”
Immediately following his collapse, Trump was rushed to the Walter Reed National Military Medical Center, where a brain scan showed that his brush with human feelings did no permanent damage.
“I just visited with him, and he was sitting up in his bed, trashing Jay-Z on Twitter,” Dr. Jackson said. “It was such a relief to see that.”
Vice-President Mike Pence, who reportedly reacted to Trump’s collapse by leaping to his feet and exclaiming, “Am I President now?,” was not available for comment.
1/30/18 Sarah Huckabee Sanders Proofreads State of the Union One Last Time to Remove Any Remaining Facts
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, is proofreading the text of tonight’s State of the Union address one last time to remove any remaining facts, Sanders confirmed on Tuesday.
While a team of wordsmiths led by the senior adviser Stephen Miller has attempted to craft an entirely fact-free address, “It’s good to have a fresh set of eyes to root out any stray accuracies that might have crept in,” Sanders said.
The press secretary said that, for example, while purging the speech of truths, she noticed a reference to the African-American unemployment rate standing at 6.8 per cent, a statistic that she deemed “unacceptably correct.”
“I read that and my Sanders sense started tingling,” she said.
Taking her blue pencil to the text, Sanders changed the number to a “better-sounding” 2.3 per cent. “That may seem like a tiny detail, but it’s stuff like that that separates the professional liars from the mere amateurs,” she said.
Once Sanders is confident that she has obliterated any lingering traces of reality from the script, she will forward it to Donald J. Trump, who will insert misspellings. “It makes him more comfortable reading it on the teleprompter if things are spelled his way,” she said.
The prospect of delivering tonight’s speech appears to have energized Trump, who tweeted early Tuesday morning that he was “very much looking forward to the Steak of the Onion.”
1/29/18 “Fox & Friends” Putting Finishing Touches on Trump’s State of the Union Address
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—With just one day until Donald J. Trump’s first State of the Union address, the cast of “Fox and Friends” is working furiously on the final draft of the speech, members confirmed today.
“We’ve really been burning the midnight oil,” Steve Doocy, the host of the Fox program, said. “We have so much to say tomorrow night, and we want to get it all in there.”
Doocy said that when he read the first draft of the State of the Union address last week, he “kind of flipped out” when he realized that there was “absolutely no mention of Hillary Clinton’s Hydra-like tentacles controlling the Deep State.”
“The State of the Union address is the President’s chance to tell the American people where the country is and where it’s going,” Doocy said. “You can’t do that without talking about how Crooked Hillary is funnelling her Russian-uranium riches directly into Bob Mueller’s bank account in the Seychelles.”
While Trump reportedly has had input from other sources, including the Fox News anchor Sean Hannity, the conspiracy theorist Alex Jones, and several neo-Nazi Twitter accounts, Doocy said that the cast of “Fox & Friends” has final approval of the version that Trump will read Tuesday night.
“Someone has to have the last word,” Doocy said. “There are a lot of voices in President Trump’s head, and that’s not including the actual voices that are always in his head.”
1/25/18 Video Emerges of Trump Lying Under Oath
NOTE: Click for an article about the Forbes magazine joke below.
Photograph on NewYorker is of Trump taking the oath at his inauguration.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—One day after Donald J. Trump offered to testify under oath for the special counsel, Robert Mueller, a newly discovered video of Trump lying under oath has sent shock waves through Washington.
In the video, which experts believe was recorded approximately one year ago, Trump places his left hand on a Bible and raises his right hand before uttering a stream of falsehoods.
“The video shows him lying in front of what appears to be a substantial number of witnesses, including his wife and a Supreme Court Justice,” Davis Logsdon, a professor at the University of Minnesota Law School, said. “It does raise questions about what, exactly, testifying under oath means to him.”
At the office of the special counsel, Mueller’s team was reportedly considering having Trump swear on something that was more meaningful to him than the Bible, such as a rolled-up copy of Forbes.
But, while Washington mulled the implications of the explosive video, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, questioned the authenticity of the video itself. “The person in this video is not the President of the United States,” she said.
1/24/18 White House Doctor Writes Note Saying Trump Too Sick to Talk to Mueller
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Amid reports that Donald Trump might soon be summoned to appear before Robert Mueller, the White House doctor wrote a note on Wednesday indicating that Trump was too sick to talk to the special counsel.
“Donald Trump is not well,” Dr. Ronny Jackson wrote.
The doctor’s note offered a laundry list of ailments afflicting Trump, including flu-like symptoms, upset stomach, headaches, dizziness, confusion, and what Jackson called a “wartime foot injury that appears to be acting up.”
Jackson acknowledged in the note that his current assessment of Trump’s health was at odds with the robust picture he painted last week, but added, “Every patient is entitled to a second opinion, and this is mine.”
Minutes after the White House doctor issued his note, the special counsel responded by indicating that if Trump is too ill to come to Mueller’s office, then Mueller would be “more than happy” to interrogate Trump at his sickbed.
The White House doctor, however, quickly rebuffed this offer. “The strain of being under oath and giving truthful answers could kill him,” the doctor said.
1/20/18 Sarah Huckabee Sanders Offers to Lie for Free During Shutdown
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it “the least I can do for my country,” the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said on Saturday morning that she would lie for free during the government shutdown.
“Now more than ever it’s important that the stream of falsehoods and distortions from this White House continues to flow in a steady and uninterrupted fashion,” Sanders said. “To achieve that, for the duration of the government shutdown I will be lying on a pro-bono basis.”
Sanders said that Donald Trump had asked that she keep a full accounting of the lies she told during the shutdown so that she could be reimbursed for them later, but she turned down that offer. “I’ve often said that I like to lie so much I would do it for free,” she said. “This is a chance to put my money where my mouth is.”
The press secretary said that her offer had already inspired other top Administration figures to lie for free during the shutdown, including Vice-President Mike Pence, Attorney General Jeff Sessions, and White House doctor Ronny Jackson.
After making her announcement, Sanders moved on to a broad range of other topics, including her assertion that the government had not shut down.
1/19/18 Trump Fears Next Election Will Be Decided by Americans
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump is “scared to death” that the 2020 Presidential election will be decided by Americans, an aide to Trump has confirmed.
The aide, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that Trump is panicking over a doomsday scenario in which Americans, sidelined during the 2016 election, play a dominant role in influencing the 2020 contest.
“It sounds paranoid, but, as we speak, representatives of the United States are already plotting to remove him from office in 2020,” the aide said. “They are determined to replace him with someone who takes a move favorable view toward their country.”
The aide said that the Americans, frustrated by Trump’s open hostility to the United States since taking office, will “stop at nothing” to achieve their ultimate goal: installing an agent of the U.S. in the Oval Office.
“It’s pretty clear what the Americans are up to,” the aide said. “They want a puppet who will do the bidding of the United States of America.”
While Trump has reportedly ordered his staff to do everything in its power to prevent Americans from meddling in the 2020 election, the prospect of U.S. nationals deciding the next Presidential race has clearly left the White House rattled.
“Americans are going to use voter registration, social media, and anything else at their disposal to hand the election to someone who will advance their interests,” he said. “That’s what keeps Trump up at night.”
1/16/18 White House Microwave Confirms That Trump Said “Shithole”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A microwave oven that was present at last Thursday’s contentious White House meeting on immigration has confirmed that Donald J. Trump did, in fact, use the word “shithole,” as has been reported.
The microwave, which Trump uses to heat up popcorn, pizza rolls, and a variety of other snacks, offered its account in an official statement released on Tuesday afternoon.
“As a microwave oven in the Oval Office, I am in a unique position to hear what is said by the President in all of his meetings,” the microwave said. “There is no doubt in my mind that he used the word ‘shithole’ in the way described by Senator Richard Durbin and others.”
The microwave said that it had no partisan axe to grind in making its statement but was coming forward merely as a “concerned appliance.”
Minutes after the microwave’s statement, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, sneered at the oven’s assertion that it was impartial in the debate over immigration. “Like most microwave ovens, it came from another country,” she said.
1/11/18 Trump Demands Poem on Statue of Liberty Be Revised to Exclude Shithole Countries
Click here for the real news prompting this report.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump demanded on Thursday that the poem at the base of the Statue of Liberty be revised immediately to exclude nations he considered “shithole countries.”
Speaking to reporters, Trump said that the poem as it currently stands “is basically an open invitation that says, like, if you come from a shithole country, welcome aboard.”
“I don’t know the entire poem, but it’s something like ‘Give us your tired, your poor, your yadda yadda yadda,’ ” he said. “We could keep all that but then put in, right at the end, in big letters, maybe, ‘except if you’re from a shithole country.’ ”
“I think if a boat from a shithole country came and saw that poem with those words at the end, they would turn around and go right back to wherever they came from,” he said.
Shortly after Trump made his remarks about “shithole” countries, representatives of the countries he designated as such released a joint response.
“We do not understand President Trump’s aversion to so-called ‘shithole countries,’ since he is doing his best to turn the United States into one,” the statement read.
1/8/18 Trump Warns That President Oprah Would Force Americans to Read
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump issued a stark warning to the nation on Monday that, if elected President, Oprah Winfrey would force Americans to read.
“This is a woman who, every chance she got, told people to join her book club,” Trump told reporters. “If she were President, you better believe that she would make every single American join that book club.”
Claiming that Winfrey “never met a book she didn’t like,” Trump accused her of planning to institute an “individual book mandate,” which would require non-reading Americans to pay as much as two thousand dollars a year for refusing to read a book.
“People were worried about Obama coming to their homes and taking away their guns,” Trump said. “Oprah will come to your homes and leave books there, which is far, far worse.”
Joining Trump in his remarks was the Education Secretary, Betsy DeVos, who warned about the dangers of Winfrey’s pro-book agenda.
“I am a firm believer in school choice,” DeVos said. “And central to that is the choice not to read.”
1/6/18 Trump: I Am the Smartest Person in the Room
Click here for the story that prompted this report.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump doubled down on his claims of being a genius on Saturday by surrounding himself with the most intelligent people he knows and proclaiming himself “the smartest person in the room.”
Referring to the associates gathered in the Oval Office as “my Brain Trust,” Trump said, “Every one of these people is a stable genius, and I am by far stabler and more geniuser than any of them.”
Trump said that the collective brain power of the other people in the room was proof of how smart he was. “Anyone who was insecure about his own intelligence wouldn’t surround himself with such smart people,” he said. “That’s why you never saw people like this in the Oval Office when that dummy Obama was President.”
Having conclusively proved how smart and stable he is, Trump said that he would spend the rest of the day proving how mature he is. “I’m, like, the most mature person in the country,” he said, “and anyone who says I’m not can suck it.”
1/4/18 White House Staff Forced to Act Out Michael Wolff Book for Non-Reading President
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump, legendary among U.S. Presidents for his aversion to reading, demanded on Thursday that members of his White House circle act out Michael Wolff’s new book, “Fire and Fury,” in a command performance in the Oval Office.
According to those who witnessed the dramatic presentation, Jared Kushner played the role of Jared Kushner, Ivanka Trump played the role of Ivanka Trump, and Sarah Huckabee Sanders played Steve Bannon.
Sources who sat through the private performance of “Fire and Fury” said that Sanders’s portrayal of Bannon was particularly impressive.
“Sarah’s a natural,” one source said. “At the end of the day, acting is just lying.”
But the performer who “stole the show,” according to one source, was Eric Trump, who was cast in the role of his father.
“Eric played his dad like a bumbling, spoiled idiot who couldn’t do anything right,” the source said. “It was the role of a lifetime for him.”
The President, who sat stone-faced as the spectacle unfolded, became increasingly angry and agitated, especially as he witnessed Kellyanne Conway’s scathingly sarcastic portrayal of herself.
Reportedly, after Conway mimed putting a finger gun to her head for the fifth time, Trump grabbed his remote and tried to turn her off.
1/3/18 Trump Angrily Throws Steve Bannon’s Signed Copy of “Mein Kampf” in Trash
Click here for the story prompting this report: http://www.cnn.com/2018/01/04/politics/donald-trump-steve-bannon-praise/index.html
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Furious over a very public breakup with his former adviser Steve Bannon, Donald Trump on Wednesday angrily threw a copy of “Mein Kampf” that Bannon had inscribed to him in the trash.
The book, which Bannon had given to Trump as a token of his love and friendship during the 2016 campaign, had been among Trump’s most prized possessions, aides said.
“Trump loved that book, but now he feels that having Bannon’s name on it ruins it,” an aide said.
Another aide, however, cautioned not to make too much of the fact that Trump discarded the Bannon-signed Hitler book. “He’s still got plenty of other copies,” the aide said.
While most of Trump’s aides reflexively took their boss’s side in the dustup with Bannon, one staffer could not help expressing some sympathy for the exiled former adviser. “To be called mentally ill by Donald Trump—that’s got to hurt,” the aide said.
1/3/18 Tillerson Caught Under Trump’s Desk Disconnecting Button
Click here for the story prompting this report: http://www.cnn.com/2018/01/02/politics/donald-trump-north-korea-nuclear/index.html
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Secretary of State Rex Tillerson was caught crouching under Donald J. Trump’s Oval Office desk on Wednesday, in an attempt to discon
The button, reportedly measuring a massive eight inches in diameter, has been a subject of considerable alarm for Trump’s national-security team since he had it installed on his desk, earlier in the week.According to White House sources, Tillerson, Secretary of Defense Jim Mattis, and the national-security adviser H. R. McMaster drew straws late Tuesday night to determine who would carry out the high-stakes disconnection mission.After Tillerson drew the shortest straw, he decided to enter the Oval Office surreptitously Wednesday morning while Trump took a bathroom break.
The Secretary of State had crawled under the desk and was on the verge of disconnecting the gigantic button when he was surprised by the sudden entrance of Vice-President Mike Pence, who had arrived to deliver his daily praise of Trump.
Flustered, Tillerson muttered something about “looking for my glasses” and quickly exited.
Tillerson, who suffered a gash to the head when he bumped it on Trump’s desk, was resting comfortably at Walter Reed Army Medical Center, where he was heard repeatedly mumbling the words “button” and “moron.”
1/2/18 Paul Ryan Says He Will Retire Once He Has Wrecked Country
Click here for the real news prompting this report.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Starting 2018 with a political bombshell, House Speaker Paul Ryan said on Tuesday that he will retire once he is satisfied that he has completely wrecked the country.
“I came to Washington with the goal of destroying life in the United States as we know it,” Ryan said in an emotional press conference. “Once I look around me and see nothing but smoldering ruins, I’ll call it a day.”
Asked by a reporter whether, by passing the Republican tax bill, he had not in fact already wrecked the country, the House Speaker responded, “That was an important step in the right direction, but, make no mistake, there is much havoc left to wreak.”
“There’s a lot of talk about the millions of people who will lose their health care, but no one one talks about the tens of millions who still have it,” he said. “That just shows how much work I still have to do.”
Speaking solemnly about the challenging path of destruction that lies ahead of him, Ryan said, “I have many lives to wreck before I sleep.”
12/13/17 Roy Moore’s Defeat Means Ted Cruz Retains Status as Most Despised Person in Senate
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Roy Moore’s defeat in Alabama’s special election means that the Texas senator Ted Cruz will easily retain his status as the most despised person in the United States Senate, congressional insiders confirmed on Wednesday.
According to those insiders, Cruz had been secretly hoping that Moore’s election would displace him from his unenviable position as the most vilified pariah in the upper chamber.
“Cruz was praying that, if Moore got in, that might change the daily conversation around here from ‘Who has to sit next to Ted?’ ” one Republican colleague said.
Cruz, whom colleagues deem even more insufferable than such other senatorial ass-clowns as Mitch McConnell and Tom Cotton, was reportedly “distraught” upon learning that Moore would not be joining him in the U.S. Senate.
“Ted was absolutely positive that Roy would have been more hated than he is,” one Senate colleague said. “But, to tell you the truth, it would have been close.”
12/12/17 Devastated Roy Moore Consoles Himself by Heading to Mall
GADSDEN, ALABAMA (The Borowitz Report)—Moments after his stunning defeat in Alabama’s special U.S. Senate election, the Republican candidate, Roy Moore, told reporters that he was planning to cheer himself up by “heading to the mall.”
“If people think they’ve seen the last of Roy Moore, they are sorely mistaken,” a visibly devastated Moore said. “I’m going to get back up, dust myself off, and head on over to the good ol’ Gadsden Mall.”
But Moore’s plans for a rejuvenating return to his former stomping grounds hit a snag upon his arrival at the mall, where he found an impromptu victory party for the Democrat, Doug Jones, in full swing.
Adding insult to injury, security guards who recognized Moore from his mall-prowling days nabbed the disgraced Republican and hurled him from the premises.
In Washington, one of Moore’s staunchest supporters, Donald J. Trump, excoriated the voters of Alabama for their decision. “It’s a sad day for America when people believe women,” he said.
12/8/17 Trump’s Slurred Speech Tied to Low Battery in Putin’s Remote
If you missed the news about his slurred speech, click here for one of the articles about it.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J.Trump slurred his speech during his announcement about Jerusalem on Wednesday because of “low-battery issues” with Vladimir Putin’s remote, the White House said on Friday.
Speaking to the White House press corps, the press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said that Trump’s slurred speech was “a case of what happens when President Putin doesn’t change the batteries in his remote frequently enough.”
“President Trump makes public appearances several times a day,” Sanders said. “In the course of those appearances, President Putin’s remote can drain its battery very quickly.”
Calling Putin’s remote-control operation of Trump “far from glitch-free,” Sanders said that there have also been problems with the Russian leader’s attempts to control Trump’s thumbs when he tweets in the early-morning hours.
“Sometimes President Putin has tried to operate President Trump’s thumbs and there has been the same low-battery issue,” she said. “This has resulted in random capital letters, misspellings, and, in some cases, gibberish.”
Sanders scolded the press for speculating that Trump’s slurred speech was the result of problems with dentures or his brain. “We are working with tech support to resolve the issue,” she said.
12/6/17 Broad Majority of Americans Support Moving Trump to Jerusalem
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a new poll conducted on Wednesday, a sweeping majority of Americans said they support moving Donald J. Trump to Jerusalem.
The sixty-three per cent of survey respondents who approved relocating Trump to Jerusalem placed few conditions on such a move, other than that it take place “as soon as possible” and that it be “permanent.”
In other poll results, an overwhelming majority of respondents said that they would support relocating Trump to any number of other foreign destinations, including Russia, the Philippines, and “that station where scientists live at the South Pole.”
Though Americans were strongly enthusiastic about moving Trump to Jerusalem, in a rare consensus both Arabs and Israelis vehemently opposed the move.
12/5/17 Nazis Feeling Neglected After Republicans’ Embrace of Child Molesters
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Several prominent Nazis said on Tuesday that they feel “neglected and hurt” by what they see as the Republican Party’s decision to court child molesters instead.
After the Republican National Committee agreed to fund the alleged child molester Roy Moore’s campaign for the United States Senate, aggrieved Nazis called the move a blatant attempt to pander to the child-molester vote.
“It seems like just last summer President Trump was saying what ‘fine people’ we were,” Heinz Dorrinson, an embittered Nazi from Mississippi, said. “Now it seems like all he can think about is his precious child molesters.”
Dorrinson warned that, in their frenzy to woo the child-molester vote, Republicans were playing a dangerous game by taking the Nazi vote for granted.
“President Trump needs to remember who put him in the White House,” Dorrinson said. “Nazis have feelings, too.”
In Washington, the Senate Majority Leader, Mitch McConnell, said that the battle between Nazis and child molesters for control of the Republican Party was largely an invention of the media.
“The Republican Party in 2017 is a place where both Nazis and child molesters can feel at home,” McConnell said.
12/4/17 Trump’s Lawyer Claims to Be Voice on “Access Hollywood” Tape
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Hoping to put to rest a mystery that has long bedeviled the nation, Donald J. Trump’s personal lawyer, John Dowd, revealed on Monday that it is actually his voice that appears on the notorious “Access Hollywood” tape.
Speaking to reporters, Dowd said that the so-called locker-room talk attributed to Trump had actually been carefully crafted by the former reality-show host’s legal team and then read aloud by Dowd himself.
Additionally, Dowd said that comments widely thought to have been made by Trump indicating that he believed that Frederick Douglass was still alive were also Dowd’s handiwork.
“President Trump was about to say something about whether Frederick Douglass was alive or not, and I stepped in at that moment and said that he was,” Dowd said. “I stand by that statement.”
Dowd went on to say that other actions attributed to Trump since he took office, including alienating nato allies, stating that an imaginary armada was steaming toward North Korea, and naming Anthony Scaramucci as White House communications director, were all actually done by Dowd.
“Let’s be clear,” Dowd said. “Since Donald Trump was elected President, he has done nothing.”
12/3/17 Scribbles by Mitch McConnell’s Grandchild Accidentally Incorporated Into G.O.P. Tax Bill
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The version of the tax bill that Republican senators voted for early Saturday morning included scribbles in the margins by Mitch McConnell’s grandchild, the Senate Majority Leader has confirmed.
The scribbles, which the two-year-old drew when his grandfather left a copy of the bill unattended during Thanksgiving, were mistaken by Republican staff members for the work of McConnell himself and were hurriedly incorporated into the bill.
McConnell struck a philosophical note when he disclosed to reporters that the random crayon squiggles were on the verge of becoming the law of the land. “Laws are like sausages—it’s better not to see them being made,” he chuckled.
The Congressional Budget Office estimated that the toddler’s scrawl would add one trillion dollars to the budget deficit and result in ten million Americans losing their homes, but said that the scribbles were the most coherent passage in the bill.
12/2/17 Koch Brothers and N.R.A. Reach Timeshare Agreement Over Ownership of Paul Ryan
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a unique accord, the billionaire Koch brothers and the National Rifle Association have reached a timeshare agreement over the ownership of House Speaker Paul Ryan, representatives of both parties have confirmed.
Speaking on behalf of the Kochs, Charles Koch said that he contacted the N.R.A.’s executive director, Wayne LaPierre, with the timeshare proposal “so that we could all get the maximum enjoyment out of owning Paul.”
The arrangement is intended to minimize conflicts between the Kochs and the gun group that have arisen in the past when both co-owners have wanted to use Ryan at the same time, Koch said.
“I said to Wayne, ‘This is craziness,’ ” he said. “’Let’s work something out where you get Paul half the year, and we’ll take him the other half.’”
Under the timeshare deal, the Kochs will have the exclusive use of Ryan during the months when tax cuts and environmental deregulation are put to a vote, while the N.R.A. will have him for the months when gun legislation is to be defeated.
Additionally, each co-owner is responsible for insuring that Ryan is well maintained and in good condition when the other’s period of using him commences.
Koch indicated that, if the timeshare agreement is a success, the two parties are likely to work out a similar deal for their longtime joint ownership of Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell.
12/1/17 Pence Asks Jesus to Rapture Him Up Before Mueller Can Indict Him
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Vice-President Mike Pence has requested that Jesus Christ rapture him up before the special counsel Robert Mueller can indict him, a source close to Pence confirmed on Friday.
Shortly after the former national-security adviser Michael Flynn pleaded guilty to lying to the F.B.I., Pence contacted Jesus to discuss the early rapture proposal, the source said.
The source characterized Pence’s request to be raptured up as “urgent” but did not indicate whether the Vice-President asked Jesus to rapture up any other senior Administration officials.
“Some of these people will have to be left behind, for obvious reasons,” the source said. “Jared, for example.”
After the news of Pence’s conversation with Jesus leaked to the press, the Vice-President released an official statement, intended to tamp down speculation about his rapture request.
“I had a good conversation with Jesus Christ earlier in the day,” the statement read. “We touched on the timetable of my rapturing-up, along with a broad range of other issues. That is all I have to say at the present time.”
12/1/17 Kim Jong Un Fears That G.O.P. Tax Bill Makes His Plan to Destroy U.S. Redundant
PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—Kim Jong Un is concerned that his long-standing plan to destroy the United States has been made totally irrelevant by the Republican tax bill moving through the Senate, a source close to the North Korean dictator said on Friday.
The source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that Kim fears that his scheme to turn the United States into an uninhabitable hellhole has been to a large extent upstaged by a similar proposal from congressional Republicans.
“You have to understand, destroying America is something that Kim and his family have been plotting for decades,” the source said. “To see the Republicans swoop in at the last second and basically steal that idea—it’s got to hurt.”
According to the source, Kim has been watching C-span non-stop, praying that the Republicans’ plan to end life as Americans know it might come undone at the last moment, but he is “not getting his hopes up.”
“After having such a wonderful missile test, he should be on top of the world this week,” the source said. “Instead, he’s afraid that all his hard work has been for nothing. He now understands why so many Americans despise the Republicans.”
11/30/17 All Women named Theresa Represent Real Threat
Click here to see the real news that prompted this Report.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Just hours after Donald J. Trump mistakenly sent an angry tweet intended for the British Prime Minister, Theresa May, to a random woman named Theresa May Scrivener with only six Twitter followers, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, offered a vigorous defense of his action.
“The President may have attacked the wrong Theresa, but all Theresas represent a real threat,” Sanders said.
Doubling down on the new White House policy against women named Theresa, Sanders said that attacking women with the same first name as the British Prime Minister “sends her a powerful message.”
“If you attack every woman named Theresa, you are obviously including Theresa May in that,” Sanders told the press corps. “Why is this so hard for you people to understand?”
Sanders said that Trump’s war on Theresas would extend to women who spell their name “Teresa,” including Teresa Giudice, a cast member of “The Real Housewives of New Jersey,” and Mother Teresa, the late Catholic nun and missionary.
“He is taking the threat of Theresas very seriously,” she said. “It will be handled.”
While Sanders put the best face on Trump’s decision to send an angry tweet to the wrong Theresa, behind the scenes White House officials were scrambling to make sure that he had imposed sanctions on the right Korea.
11/28/17 “Pocahontas” Not a Racial Slur, Says Prominent White Expert
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump’s use of the name “Pocahontas” at a White House event honoring Navajo veterans was not a racial slur, a prominent white expert said on Monday.
“If some Native Americans were offended by the use of this term, I’m sorry that they’re so wrong,” the expert said. “As a white person, I think I’m in a better position to know about this stuff.”
She also defended the decision to honor the Navajo veterans near a portrait of Andrew Jackson, who is widely reviled by Native Americans. “Before we held the ceremony, we consulted with a number of other white experts, and we all agreed that Andrew Jackson was great,” she said.
At times, the white expert seemed exasperated at having to explain to Native Americans what was a racial slur and what was not. “Look, I can explain it to them, but it’s real time-consuming, and I have a lot of other stuff to do,” she said.
In closing, the Caucasian said that accusing Trump of intentionally offending the Navajos was absurd. “No one knows more about offending people than Donald Trump,” she said.
11/27/17 Trump Claims Voice on “Access Hollywood” Tape Is Actually Hillary Clinton Imitating Him
For the story prompting this report, click here.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Casting further doubt on the authenticity of his notorious “Access Hollywood” tape, Donald J. Trump said on Monday that the voice on the tape was actually that of Hillary Clinton, imitating him.
“That’s not me on the tape,” he said. “That’s Hillary faking like she is me.”
Trump said that he had a theory to explain how Clinton came up with the infamous “locker-room talk” that appeared on the tape. “It’s so obvious that Bill came up with that,” he said.
Trump added that if the special counsel, Robert Mueller, has any recordings of Trump associates, such as Paul Manafort or Michael Flynn, colluding with Russians, those voices will “probably turn out to belong to Crooked Hillary also.”
“In addition to being evil, Hillary Clinton is a woman of a thousand voices,” he said.
11/18/17 Elephants Unmoved by Trump’s Backtracking on Trophy Ban: “We Don’t Forget”
HARARE, Zimbabwe (The Borowitz Report)—Unimpressed by President Donald Trump’s sudden backtracking on his proposed elephant-trophy ban, elephants from Zimbabwe and Zambia released a scathing official statement on Saturday, ominously warning Trump, “We don’t forget.”
The blistering statement from the elephants reflected the pachyderms’ contempt not just for Trump but for his two sons, Eric and Donald, Jr., who are widely despised by the elephant community.
“The decision to lift the trophy ban reeks of political expediency as it worst,” the elephants’ statement read.
The elephants also sent a strongly worded legal letter to the Republican National Committee, demanding that the G.O.P. immediately cease and desist using the elephants’ likenesses in Republican fund-raising appeals and all other materials.
11/16/17 Trump Voters Celebrate Massive Tax Cut for Everyone But Them
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Jubilant Trump voters on Thursday celebrated the prospect of a gigantic tax cut that will benefit everyone but them.
Across the country, Trump supporters were overjoyed that, after months of gridlock and wrangling, the man they voted for was about to make Americans other than them wildly richer.
“President Trump has taken a lot of hits from the fake-news media, but he stood his ground,” Carol Foyler, a Trump voter in Ohio, said. “Today he honored his pledge to the American people, except for me and anybody I know.”
Harland Dorrinson, a Trump supporter from Kentucky, agreed. “When I cast my vote last November, I said to myself, ‘I sure hope this means that people with a thousand times more money than I have get even more money,’ ” he said. “Promise kept.”
Tracy Klugian, a Trump voter from Minnesota, said that tax cuts for everyone but him are an important step toward making America great again. “Look at the stock market—it’s been going through the roof,” Klugian, who has no money in the stock market, said.
But some Trump supporters, like Calvin Denoit, of Texas, were more muted. “Tax cuts that completely exclude me and my family are a good start,” he said. “But, until President Trump eliminates all environmental and safety regulations for corporations that I have zero stake in, I won’t be satisfied.”
11/15/17 Trump Warns That Dumping Roy Moore Could Start a Dangerous Trend of Believing Women
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Breaking his silence on Alabama’s embattled Republican nominee for the U.S. Senate, Donald Trump warned on Wednesday that dumping Roy Moore could start a “dangerous trend” of believing women.
“I think we need to be very, very careful here,” Trump told reporters. “This is not just about Roy Moore. This is about our country deciding that we are going to start believing women, something that we have never done before.
“This is a very dangerous road we’re heading down,” he said.
Trump cautioned that, if instituted, a new practice of believing women would “totally destroy” the system that the country already has in place. “For years we’ve had a system of believing men,” he said. “It’s worked very well. It’s done a great job.”
He said that he was considering a number of measures to stem the tide of women’s credibility, including an executive order banning women from giving believable accounts to the press. “That’s something we’re looking into,” he indicated.
Trump painted a doomsday scenario of what might happen if the “very bad trend” of believing women gained traction in the country. “If people believe Roy Moore’s five accusers, what happens to a man who has, say, about twenty accusers?” he asked. “I don’t like where this is going.”
11/14/17 Eric Trump Asks Dad if He Can Have Donald, Jr.,’s Room
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Eric Trump has asked his father, Donald Trump, if he can have his brother Donald, Jr.,’s room, Eric Trump confirmed on Monday night.
“Don, Jr., got this ginormous room, and I got a crappy little one,” Eric Trump said. “Don, Jr., got to work in the real-estate company, and I got stuck with the winery. But all that’s about to change.”
Eric Trump said that, although his father had not yet responded to his request, he was optimistic that his wish would be granted. “It looks like Don, Jr., might not be needing his room for quite some time,” he said, barely suppressing a grin.
He added that he had not discussed the future of Donald, Jr.,’s room with his brother. “I’ve had to put up with Don, Jr.,’s bullshit my entire life,” he said. “Don, Jr., this, Don, Jr., that. Don, Jr., is the king of all he surveys. Seriously, Don, Jr., can suck it. I’m getting his room.”
Asked if he had a message for his brother, Eric Trump paused for a moment and said, “Yes. I’ve waited my whole life for this moment. And you know what they say? Revenge is a dish best served after you’ve waited your whole life for this moment.”
11/12/17 Mueller Immediately Closes Investigation After Hearing Putin Proclaim His Innocence
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The special counsel Robert Mueller announced on Saturday that he was closing the Justice Department’s Russia investigation, “effective immediately,” after hearing that President Vladimir Putin, of Russia, said he was innocent of any election meddling.
Moments after learning about Putin’s assertion, Mueller hastily assembled his staff of investigators to inform them that, now that Putin had fully exonerated himself, there was no point in continuing the probe.
“Vladimir Putin says he did nothing,” Mueller told his staff. “That’s good enough for me.”
Speaking later to reporters, Mueller said that, by disbanding his investigation, he was following the time-honored law-enforcement tradition of taking a suspect’s word for it.
“For the past several months, we’ve assembled tax records, cell-phone recordings, bank transfers, and e-mail communications that indicated Russia was involved in the election,” a visibly shaken Mueller said. “Somehow, we got it wrong—very, very wrong.”
As for his future plans, Mueller said that his first order of business was to write a hearfelt letter of apology to Putin.
“I feel terrible knowing that I’ve spent all this time investigating a person who did absolutely nothing wrong,” he said. “Hindsight is 20/20, but I really should have called him first and asked him what really happened.”
11/8/17 Virginia and New Jersey Elect Governors Totally Lacking Reality-Show Experience
VIRGINIA AND NEW JERSEY (The Borowitz Report)—Throwing caution to the wind, voters in Virginia and New Jersey on Tuesday night overturned the political applecart and chose as their new governors two men with no reality-show experience whatsoever.
Republican officials were staggered by the voters’ decision because, historically, reality shows have been a reliable proving ground for the nation’s finest leaders.
Ronna Romney McDaniel, the chairwoman of the Republican National Committee, said that the voters’ risky bet on two men who had never set foot on a reality-show stage showed that the electorate was acting “emotionally and not rationally.”
“You look at the résumés of these two men and you won’t find ‘Survivor,’ you won’t find ‘Big Brother,’ you won’t find ‘The Bachelor,’ ” she said. “What we have are two individuals who are, to put it mildly, unfit for office.”
“This is not normal,” she said.
She gave both winning candidates credit for tapping into the angry voters’ anti-reality-show mood, but she warned, “Once these two have been in office, I think voters will start longing for someone who had at least won an immunity idol or swallowed a live caterpillar.”
11/7/17 11/7/17 Poll: Trump Accomplishing Little in Final Year as President
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump has accomplished little or nothing in his final year as President, a new poll finds.
According to the poll, a majority of Americans believe that Trump has made no progress on the economy, terrorism, or other key issues in his Presidency’s dwindling final days.
More troubling for Trump, the poll shows that Americans have lost confidence in his ability to salvage his Presidency before his imminent departure from the White House.
Davis Logsdon, a history professor at the University of Minnesota, said that Trump’s failure to accomplish anything of substance during his last year in office is a problem that has plagued other lame-duck Presidents.
“Trump is desperate for a legislative victory to prove that his final year as President was not a total disaster,” Logsdon said. “But with so few days, or possibly hours, remaining, it’s hard to see that happening.”
11/6/17 Russians Involved in Trump Campaign Hold Reunion
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—Marking the one-year anniversary of the 2016 U.S. Presidential election, Russians who played key roles in the Trump campaign gathered for a reunion in Moscow’s Red Square.
The reunion gave hundreds of thousands of Russians an opportunity to celebrate and share warm memories of their successful 2016 effort.
Alexey Zholtovsky, a computer specialist who set up over ten thousand separate troll accounts on social-media sites to benefit the Republican nominee, called the reunion a chance for Russians who worked on the Trump campaign to finally meet each other face to face.
“A lot of these people were just electronic funds transfers to me before today,” he said.
Vasilisa Lokhvitskaya, an intelligence analyst with close ties to the Kremlin, said that she “very much enjoyed getting to know” Donald Trump, Jr., Jeff Sessions, Paul Manafort, Jared Kushner, and George Papadopoulos over the course of many meetings to discuss the campaign.
“They were all such fantastic guys,” she said. “So available, so accessible. It was never hard getting in touch with them. Those were the days!”
However, she said that she was baffled by reports coming out of the White House in recent days indicating that Papadopoulos had played a peripheral role in the campaign. “There are, what, maybe three hundred thousand people here at this reunion?” she said. “We all met with George.”
11/5/17 White House Claims Flynn’s Job Was to Make Coffee When Papadopoulos Was Busy
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The White House called an unscheduled press briefing on Sunday to clarify Michael T. Flynn’s role in the Trump campaign, claiming that his job consisted entirely of making coffee when George Papadopoulos was busy with other matters.
“Sometimes, we would ask for coffee and George was otherwise occupied,” the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said. “At that point, Michael Flynn would step in and make that coffee.”
When asked what role Flynn’s son, Michael G. Flynn, played in the campaign, Sanders indicated that he, too, was involved in coffee-making to the exclusion of all other responsibilities.
“There were many times when the two Flynns would make coffee together,” she said. “The father would actually make the coffee, and the son would add the creamer, sweetener, and whatnot.”
Sanders said that, in the weeks to come, the White House is likely to release the names of additional campaign staffers whose roles were limited to the preparation of coffee beverages, and that such names might include Jared Kushner and Donald Trump, Jr.
“This was a campaign that drank a great deal of coffee,” she explained.
11/2/17 Poll: Americans Were Sort of Hoping Mueller Would Arrest Someone New Every Day
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—After a memorable Monday, in which the special counsel announced criminal charges against three men associated with Donald Trump’s campaign, millions of Americans were sort of hoping that Robert Mueller would arrest someone new every day, a new poll indicates.
According to the poll, Monday’s news that Paul Manafort, Rick Gates, and George Papadopoulos had been charged may have unfairly raised Americans’ expectations that Mueller would be generating new arrests at the rate of at least three a day.
“Monday was one of the happiest days of my life,” one poll respondent said. “It started out great with Manafort and Gates, and then, bam, out of nowhere, Papadopoulos. I guess I started hoping all days would be like that.”
Although Jared Kushner and Donald Trump, Jr., continue to be Americans’ most popular picks for the person Mueller arrests next, the poll suggests that, at this point, the indictment-starved public would be willing to settle for a lesser-known figure.
“It doesn’t have to be someone I’ve heard of, like Ivanka or Pence,” one poll respondent said. “I’d be happy with Michael Flynn’s son, and I’m not even clear what he did in all of this.”
Perhaps in response to the poll results, Mueller on Thursday issued the following official statement: “I understand people’s eagerness for more arrests, but all I can say is that if they’re patient we have some new ones coming up that are just amazing.”
11/1/17 Trump Accuses Clinton of Deliberately Losing Election So He Could Be Impeached
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what might be his most startling allegation against his former election opponent, Donald Trump on Wednesday accused Hillary Clinton of deliberately losing the 2016 election just so that he could be impeached.
“How could one of the most experienced politicians in history lose to the most unfit candidate ever?” Trump asked reporters. “Crooked Hillary lost on purpose because she wanted me to be impeached.”
Explaining Clinton’s motives for intentionally sabotaging her quest for an office she had coveted for decades, Trump said, “Hillary Clinton is more than a nasty woman. She is an evil woman, and her sick mind is capable of anything.”
Trump said that instead of reporting the “fake story” of his campaign’s collusion with the Russians, the media should focus on Clinton’s “diabolical scheme to lose the election.”
“I don’t know if Hillary Clinton lost the election on her own,” Trump said. “Maybe she asked the Russians to help her lose. But the fact is, Hillary Clinton deliberately plotted to put me in the White House, and the American people should be very angry about that.”
10/31/17 Fox to Offer Twenty-Four-Hour Coverage of Bill Clinton’s Impeachment
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Calling it a story “too hot for the other cable-news networks to handle,” Fox News Channel announced on Tuesday that it would begin airing twenty-four-hour coverage of Bill Clinton’s 1998–99 impeachment.
Fox anchor Sean Hannity announced the programming change, telling viewers that Fox would devote all its resources to reporting the Clinton impeachment to the exclusion of all other news stories.
“This story has everything: sex, lies, and misdeeds at the highest levels of our government,” Hannity said. “We are planning to flood the zone to bring it to you.”
Calling it “the story Bill and Hillary Clinton don’t want you to hear,” Hannity said Fox would be unstinting in its effort to get to the bottom of the impeachment.
“For years, this hushed-up chapter of our history has been shrouded in silence,” Hannity said. “That silence ends today.”
10/30/17 Trump Unsure Who This Manafort Person Is
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Asked to comment on the arrest of Paul Manafort on Monday, Donald Trump told reporters that he was not sure “who this Manafort person is.”
“There’s been a lot of talk about this guy, Peter Manafort, or whoever, this morning,” Trump said. “The name doesn’t really ring a bell with me. I’ll have to have someone Google him and figure out exactly who he’s supposed to be.”
When reporters pointed out that Manafort had been his campaign chairman in 2016, Trump responded angrily. “I just told you I never heard of him,” he said. “What’s his name again? I can’t even remember his name. That’s proof.”
Before bringing his conversation with reporters to an abrupt close, Trump offered a theory of who Manafort might be. “You’re telling me he ran a campaign,” Trump said. “If he ran anybody’s campaign, it was Hillary’s.”
On Capitol Hill, Trump’s Republican defenders seized on his denial and called for immediate hearings to determine possible links between Hillary Clinton and Paul Manafort.
“What’s becoming crystal clear is that, while pretending to be Donald Trump’s campaign chairman, Paul Manafort was actually Hillary Clinton’s campaign chairman,” Representative Trey Gowdy, of South Carolina, said. “That’s the real story here.”
10/30/17: Millions Disappointed It Wasn’t Jared
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Amid the general jubilation over the arrest of Paul Manafort on Monday, millions of Americans reported extreme disappointment that the first person arrested from Robert Mueller’s Russia probe was not Jared Kushner. Across the country, downcast Americans commiserated over the news that their choice for Mueller’s first indictment had been overlooked.
“I know it makes me sound petty, since today is a day of national celebration,” Harland Dorrinson, who had been holding a Kushner-arrest-watch party in suburban Toledo, said. “But for a lot of us who had had our hopes set on Jared, today is bittersweet.”
Tracy Klugian, who watched news of Manafort’s arrest from her home in San Jose, agreed. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled that Manafort’s being brought in,” she said. “But he’s no Jared.”
Davis Logsdon, a clinical psychologist at the University of Minnesota Medical Center, said that he is counselling patients who are dealing with the “severe emotional letdown” of the first person arrested not being Jared.
“I’m urging them to see this disappointment as an opportunity for growth,” Logsdon said. “It’s true that none of the first three arrests was Jared, but we have to live with that reality. And, perhaps, if we are patient, the fourth, fifth, or even fiftieth arrest will be Jared.”
10/28/17: Excited Crowd Outside Mueller’s Office Awaits First Arrest
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A crowd estimated in the hundreds of thousands has gathered outside the office of Robert Mueller in eager anticipation of the special counsel’s first arrest in the Russia probe.
Minutes after news was leaked that charges had been filed, Americans from across the country descended on Mueller’s office to witness firsthand what many called the beginning of the end of the nightmare.
“I can’t believe this day has finally come,” Carol Foyler, who drove from North Carolina, said. “My husband is having surgery today, but I didn’t want to miss this.”
Although the gathering has been largely peaceful, isolated arguments have erupted over which member of Trump’s circle the attendees would like Mueller to arrest first.
A faction shouting “Don, Jr.” started pushing and shoving another group chanting “Jared” before police intervened.
One policeman said that law enforcement had been flabbergasted by the size of the crowd, which could reach a million. “We definitely didn’t see anything like this at the Inauguration,” he said.
10/25/17 Trump Signs New Travel Ban Preventing Republican Senators from Fleeing
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump on Wednesday signed an emergency travel ban preventing Republicans from fleeing the United States Senate.
In a sombre Oval Office ceremony, a grim-faced Trump signed the ban, which he said would remain in effect “until we figure out what the hell is going on.”
The executive order calls for the relocation of three hundred Border Patrol officers from the Mexican border to Washington, D.C., in order to form what Trump called “a human ring of steel” around the Capitol Building.
Under the travel ban, Republican senators will be permitted to leave their seats in the Senate chamber for meals and bathroom breaks but will be strictly forbidden from speaking to journalists in the building’s corridors.
Susan Collins, of Maine, one of the Republicans affected by the ban, called attention to the growing humanitarian crisis inside the Capitol. “If you have a shred of decency, Mr. President, let us leave the Senate,” Collins said. “Let us follow our dream of a better life.”
In retaliation, Trump reportedly told Border Patrol agents that if Collins is caught trying to escape she should be returned to the Senate and forced to sit next to Ted Cruz.
10/24/17 Trump Cancels Entire Schedule to Focus on Choosing Insulting Nickname for Bob Corker
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump cancelled his entire schedule on Tuesday to focus all his energy on choosing an insulting nickname for the Senator Bob Corker of Tennessee, aides have confirmed.
Trump rejected his first attempt at a demeaning moniker for the senator, “liddle’ Bob Corker,” because he felt that he had used the “liddle’ ” construction too much in the past and feared that it was getting old.
“The President has very high standards for the insulting nicknames he uses,” an aide explained. “He was not about to settle for ‘liddle’.’ ” Trump thought he had a winner when he came up with “Corker the Porker,” until aides pointed out that the Republican senator from Tennessee has an average physique, to which such an insult would not accurately apply.
At midday, Trump was reportedly “very excited” by the idea of calling the Tennesseean “Bob Mothercorker,” until his daughter Ivanka begged him not to do so.
Trump’s task was compounded later in the day, when it became clear that he would also have to figure out an insulting name for Senator Jeff Flake of Arizona. “All he keeps coming up with is ‘Jeff Flake,’ ” an aide said.
10/23/17 Trump Says He Is Only President in History with Courage to Stand Up to War Widows
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Calling himself “unbelievably brave,” Donald Trump said on Monday that he is the only President in U.S. history with the courage to stand up to war widows.
“You look at guys like Obama and Clinton and the Bushes, when it came to war widows, they all blinked,” he said. “For years, we weren’t winning at widows.”
In contrast, Trump said, he has made defeating war widows one of his top priorities as President. “Forget about Iran and China and Little Rocket Man,” he said. “This country has been pushed around by war widows for far too long.”
Trump said that Senator John McCain, who has mocked the President’s draft-dodging during Vietnam, has “never shown an ounce of courage when it comes to fighting war widows.”
“McCain can talk about what he did in Vietnam all he wants,” Trump said. “But the guys who have gone toe to toe with a war widow, contradicted her version of events, and refused to back down—we are the true heroes.”
10/20/17 White House Says It Is Unpatriotic to Offer Irrefutable Video Evidence That a General Lied
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a stirring defense of Donald Trump’s chief of staff, General John Kelly, the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said on Friday that it was “unpatriotic in the extreme” to offer irrefutable video proof that a four-star general lied.
“It is unpatriotic enough to accuse a four-star general of lying,” Sanders told the White House press corps. “But to make available a video that proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that that general lied is unpatriotic bordering on treasonous.”
Warming to her subject, Sanders said that any American who sees undeniable video evidence that a general lied and chooses to believe the video “shows disrespect for our country and hatred for our flag.”
“General Kelly has served our country with courage and valor,” she said. “He has earned the right to lie without fear of being contradicted by the facts.”
Minutes after Sanders concluded her remarks, Kelly also received a vote of confidence from Trump, who called his chief of staff “a good liar, for a beginner.”
10/17/17 Obama Begins Calling American People to Console Them About Trump Being President
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Former President Barack Obama has started calling every person in America to offer consolation about Donald Trump being President, Obama has confirmed.
“It’s something I meant to do right after the Inauguration,” Obama said, during a brief break from the phone calls. “I feel terrible that I didn’t get to it sooner.”
The former President said that, although the phone calls are a small gesture, he felt that he had to do whatever he could to extend his sympathy about Trump being President.
“There’s a lot of pain out there that a phone call from me can never fix,” he said. “Still, I want people to know that I care.”
Carol Foyler, who has been grieving since Trump was elected, last November, said that receiving a call from Obama on Monday “meant a lot.”
“The fact that he took the time to call me, when he had three hundred million more people left to call, is something I’ll never forget,” she said.
10/15/17 Trump Accepts Larry Flynt’s Ten-Million-Dollar Offer for Information Leading to His Impeachment
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Just minutes after the publisher Larry Flynt offered ten million dollars in exchange for information leading to Donald Trump’s impeachment, Trump contacted Flynt and said that he would gladly provide the information himself in exchange for the cash.
According to Flynt, shortly after their phone conversation Trump sent him a voluminous number of e-mails, phone records, and other evidence of impeachable offenses, after which Flynt wired ten million dollars to Trump’s Swiss bank account.
“That was a lot easier than I thought it would be, to be honest,” Flynt told reporters.
The swift denouement to Trump’s tenure in the White House raised more than a few eyebrows in Washington, with some insiders wondering if Trump’s eagerness to accept the ten-million-dollar payment indicated that his net worth was considerably smaller than he had professed.
Robert Mueller, the independent counsel investigating Trump’s ties to Russia, expressed some sadness that he was not able to bring his probe to a conclusion. “I don’t know what evidence Trump had against himself, but I guarantee you I had more,” he said.
Meanwhile, the success of Flynt’s cash offer appears to have only emboldened the publisher, who announced that he is now offering twenty million dollars for information leading to the impeachment of Mike Pence.
10/13/17 Trump Says I.Q. “Even Higher” Now That He Knows Virgin Islands Are Part of U.S.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald Trump said on Friday that his I.Q. is “even higher” now that he knows that the United States Virgin Islands are part of the United States.
“Quite frankly, a few weeks ago, when I learned that Puerto Rico was a part of the U.S., I thought that that boosted my I.Q. to a whole new level,” Trump said. “Now that I also know about the Virgin Islands, my number must be off the charts.”
He said that he was eager to retake his I.Q. test because of “all the amazing things I learned this week.”
“For example, I just learned that the stock market can’t reduce the national debt,” he said. “If there was a question about that on an I.Q. test, I would nail that question.”
Trump said that his one concern was that an I.Q. test does not exist that can accurately measure his ballooning intelligence.
“I always knew that I was scary smart, but now I think my brain is terrifying,” he said.
10/10/17 Trump Knocked Out in First Round of White House I.Q.-Test Tournament After Losing to Betsy DeVos
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an I.Q.-test tournament devised by Donald Trump to determine the smartest person in his Administration, Trump suffered a humiliating defeat on Tuesday, getting knocked out in the first round by Education Secretary Betsy DeVos.
Trump had personally created the brackets for the tournament, which he had hoped would lead to an I.Q.-championship showdown between him and Secretary of State Rex Tillerson.
“He was determined to face Betsy in the first round,” a White House source said of Trump. “He thought it would be like a bye week.”
Trump was stung by DeVos’s upset win, however, and lashed out at the I.Q. test itself, calling it both “fake” and “rigged,” according to the source.
“It had been a while since he had taken an I.Q. test,” the source said. “He had forgotten there was a spelling section.”
Elsewhere in the I.Q. tournament, other members of the Trump family were knocked out in the first round as well, with Ivanka Trump falling to Vice-President Mike Pence; Donald Trump, Jr., losing to Trump’s press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders; and Jared Kushner reportedly suffering a lopsided defeat at the hands of Secretary of Energy Rick Perry.
Trump’s son Eric did not participate in the tournament. “That would have been cruel,” the source said.
10/9/17 Poll: Americans Hope Trump Follows Pence’s Example and Leaves Early
INDIANAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report)—A poll taken after Vice-President Mike Pence made headlines on Sunday with an abrupt early departure reveals that a broad majority of Americans hope that Donald Trump follows Pence’s example and leaves early, as well.
In a striking result, the poll shows that Trump’s early exit would be approximately a thousand times more popular than the one Pence participated in on Sunday.
While Pence defended his decision to leave early on Sunday by saying that he did it out of patriotism, a substantial majority of Americans agreed that a premature departure by Trump “would be, by far, the most patriotic thing he could ever do for his country.”
And while the price tag of Pence’s departure on Sunday, estimated by some to be approximately a quarter of a million dollars, raised eyebrows across the country, poll respondents overwhelmingly said that they do not care how much Trump’s departure costs, as long as he leaves.
Finally, in one of the poll’s more negative findings, a broad majority of Indiana residents said that they were “angry and upset” that Pence did not leave early when he was governor of that state.
10/6/17 DeVos Defends Trump: “Would a Moron Hire Me?”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos offered a spirited defense of her boss’s intelligence on Friday, bluntly asking reporters, “Would a moron hire me?”
“My intelligence can be very intimidating,” DeVos said. “And if Donald Trump was a moron, he would not want to be around people who are intelligenter than him.”
As evidence that Trump does not feel inferior around highly intelligent people, DeVos singled out other members of Trump’s Cabinet. "Leave me out of it for a second,” she said. “If Donald Trump was such a blithering idiot, why would he have hired Rick Perry?”
“Jared Kushner is also super smart,” she added. “He doesn’t even work on Saturdays because he’s a Jewish person and whatnot, but he doesn’t have to because of his huge brain and all. He’s so smart I have a nickname for him. I call him Smart Jared.”
Arguing that only a “very smart person would hire such very smart persons,” DeVos said, “Think about it. Rick Perry, Jared Kushner, and me. Wouldn’t Donald Trump have to be pretty smart to hire four people like that?”
10/4/17 Rex Tillerson Says He Remains Fully Committed to Moron’s Agenda
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Attempting to pour cold water on reports of a rift between him and Donald Trump, Secretary of State Rex Tillerson told reporters on Wednesday that he remains “fully committed to this moron’s agenda.”
“There will always be people in Washington eager to stir controversy when there is none,” Tillerson said, at a hastily called press conference at the State Department. “I am standing here today to tell you that I am on the same page as this idiot.”
Elaborating on that point, the former oil-company C.E.O. stressed that he and Trump were in agreement on a broad range of issues. “From North Korea to Iran to China, there is no daylight between me and this imbecile,” he said.
Tillerson also took pains to deny that he was ever close to resigning from his Cabinet post. “When I promise a cretin that I am going to do a job, I stay until the job is finished,” he said.
Asked to confirm reports that Vice-President Mike Pence had to persuade him not to quit last summer, the Secretary of State refused. “Let’s leave that other moron out of this,” he said.
10/4/17 Puerto Rico Issues Travel Ban on Malignant Narcissists
SAN JUAN (The Borowitz Report)—Calling the move an “urgent response to recent unfortunate events,” Puerto Rico has issued a sweeping travel ban on malignant narcissists, effective immediately.
Starting on Wednesday, Customs and Border Protection officials at Puerto Rico’s ports of entry will be equipped with the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–V) issued by the American Psychiatric Association, and will be instructed to look for symptoms of malignant narcissism in those attempting to enter.
“If port officials encounter a visitor who has a pompous and arrogant demeanor, needs the constant admiration of others, and is unwilling to empathize with others’ feelings, wishes, or needs, that visitor will be denied entry,” a Puerto Rican government statement read.
Puerto Rico took the forceful action after an incident on Tuesday, in which a man with narcissistic-personality disorder gained entry to the island and inexplicably hurled projectiles at unwitting Puerto Ricans.
“We had to do something,” one government official said. “Enough is enough.”
Puerto Rico’s ban on malignant narcissists drew widespread praise from people around the world, with many Americans calling for a similar ban in the mainland United States.
9/30/17 Tom Price Seated Between Two Screaming Babies on First-Ever Commercial Flight
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an experience that he called “traumatic” and “horrifying,” the departing Health and Human Services Secretary, Tom Price, was seated between two screaming babies Friday night on his first-ever commercial flight.
Price, who was flying from Washington, D.C., to his home in Georgia just hours after resigning from his Cabinet position, reacted with alarm after discovering that the airline had assigned him a middle seat between two passengers holding inconsolably shrieking babies on their laps.
Moments after making his terrible discovery, Price urgently called for a flight attendant and reportedly told her, “There are babies on this aircraft. That can’t possibly be allowed.”
After informing Price that babies were, in fact, permitted on commercial flights, the attendant instructed the former Cabinet secretary to fasten his seatbelt and ignored his request to be served a free glass of Dom Perignon champagne and beluga caviar with toast points.
According to witnesses on board, the two babies flanking Price screamed non-stop for the entire duration of the flight, except for a brief period during which one of the babies vomited on Price’s Armani suit.
9/28/17 Betsy DeVos Says She Did Math on Trump’s Tax Plan and It Will Save Nation Eleventy Krillion
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a ringing endorsement from the Secretary of Education, Betsy DeVos said on Thursday that she did the math on Donald Trump’s tax plan and that she estimates it will save the United States roughly eleventy krillion dollars.
“I took out a pencil and paper and figured it out the old-fashioned way,” DeVos told reporters. “I wound up going through a lot of paper, because eleventy krillion has ten hundredteen zeroes.”
DeVos stressed that the eleventy-krillion figure was actually a conservative estimate. “The exact number was between eleventy and ninety-quelve, but I rounded down to eleventy,” she said.
The Education Secretary said that the national debt, which currently stands at more than twenty trillion dollars, would be greatly reduced by the eleventy-krillion-dollar windfall.
“If you subtract eleventy krillion from twenty trillion, you get a number so small it has no name,” she explained.
9/26/17 Republicans Sadly Admit Their Dream of Keeping Poor People from Living Longer Is Over
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saddened and more than a little wistful, Senate Republicans acknowledged on Tuesday that their long-standing dream of keeping poor people from living longer was at its end.
Choking back tears, Senator Lindsey Graham admitted that his crusade to halt the longevity of the poor had turned out to be a quixotic one at best.
“We made a solemn promise to the American people that we would do everything in our power to keep the poor from living so darn long,” he said, his voice quavering. “We didn’t get it done.”
While saying that he did not want to “play the blame game,” Graham could not resist pointing fingers at senators who broke ranks with the G.O.P. leadership over its quest to stall the poor’s unacceptably surging life expectancy.
“I always thought that preventing the poor from living longer was a bedrock Republican principle,” he said bitterly. “I guess I was wrong.”
On the House side, Speaker Paul Ryan urged Graham not to wallow in defeat but to move on to other Republican agenda items, like tax reform. “We may not be able to keep the poor from living longer, but we can still make them poorer,” he said.
9/24/17 Trump Invites Russian National Basketball Team to White House
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—One day after rescinding his invitation to the Golden State Warriors, Donald J. Trump invited the entire Russian national basketball team to celebrate with him at the White House.
Trump said that he looked forward to welcoming the Russian team, calling them “much, much better basketball players than those Golden State losers.”
When reporters pointed out that the Russians had won only a bronze in the 2012 Olympics and failed to qualify for the 2016 event, Trump was dismissive, calling the Olympics “rigged.”
“You ask anyone who knows, Steph Curry is nowhere near as good as Vladimir Ivlev,” Trump said.
But Trump’s plan to replace the Warriors with the Russians hit a snag just hours after he issued the invitation, when the Russian team released an official statement declining the offer.
“We feel that appearing with Donald Trump at this time would be bad for our brand,” the Russians’ statement read.
9/22/17 Trump Names Sarah Palin Ambassador to Nambia
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Donald J. Trump on Friday capped a busy week of diplomatic activity by naming the former Alaska governor Sarah Palin the United States Ambassador to Nambia.
By naming Palin to this diplomatic post, the United States has become the first nation in the world to formally recognize Nambia’s existence.
In a joint appearance with Trump at the White House, Palin acknowledged that she “didn’t know a lot about Nambia” but said that she was looking forward to receiving a comprehensive briefing on the nation’s history, culture, and customs from the Education Secretary, Betsy DeVos.
“Then it’s Nambia, here I come!” Palin exclaimed.
In a sign that Palin’s appointment was a popular move, a new poll shows that an overwhelming majority of Americans support her permanent relocation to Nambia.
9/21/17 People Who Feared Obama Would Take Their Guns Happy to Have Trump Take Their Health Care
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Americans who feared that Barack Obama would come for their guns are happy that Donald Trump is coming for their health care, a new report finds.
In interviews conducted across the country, people expressed satisfaction that, by taking away their ability to see a doctor rather than their ability to shoot people, the federal government “finally has its priorities straight.”
“I couldn’t get a night’s sleep, worrying about Obama taking away my guns,” Carol Foyler, a gun owner from Kentucky, said. “Now that we have a President who’s just taking away my family’s health care, I can breathe easier.”
Harland Dorrinson, a gun fancier from Wyoming, concurred. “In Europe, everyone has health care and no one has guns,” he said. “You couldn’t pay me to live there.” Noting that thousands of people die in hospitals every year, he added, “Health care has killed more people than guns have.”
Tracy Klugian, a gun hobbyist in Florida, said he strongly supported the Trump Administration’s policy, which he summarized as, “If you like the guns you have, you can keep those guns.”
He said that the prospect of becoming ill without health insurance does not concern him in the least. “If I get a disease, I’ll shoot at it,” he said.
9/19/17 In War of Elton John Lyrics, Kim Jong Un Calls Trump “Honky Cat”
PYONGYANG (The Borowitz Report)—In what some security experts fear could be a high-stakes war of Elton John lyrics, minutes after Donald Trump called Kim Jong Un “Rocket Man,” the North Korean dictator responded by calling Trump “Honky Cat.”
As he issued the Elton John-based attack, Kim warned that he had an extensive collection of the singer-songwriter’s albums and was prepared to weaponize every lyric in them.
The White House immediately struck back, warning Kim that “any further provocation involving an Elton John lyric, especially ‘Tiny Dancer,’ will be seen as an act of war.”
But any hope that Kim would be silenced was short-lived.
Responding to the White House, Kim stated, “I see the bitch is back,” before signing off, “Goodbye, Yellow-Wigged Toad.”
9/18/17 Mueller Rents Giant Warehouse to Store Evidence Against Trump
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Robert Mueller is renting a massive warehouse facility in suburban Virginia to accommodate the approximately forty cubic tons of evidence against Donald Trump that the independent counsel’s investigation is generating on a daily basis.
Employing over two thousand workers in a warehouse the size of seven football fields, the Mueller investigation has become the fastest-growing sector of the U.S. economy, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics.
Working twelve-hour shifts, the members of Mueller’s evidence-storage team rarely leave the warehouse, where the punishing task of filing mountains of evidence against Trump proceeds around the clock.
“It’s like a city all its own,” one warehouse worker said. “There are people working in the Michael Flynn section who’ve never met the people working in the Paul Manafort section.”
While the warehouse workers are well paid, there have been issues with burnout. “The team in charge of filing all of Donald Trump, Jr.,’s different explanations of his meeting with the Russians had to take time off,” one worker said.
As gargantuan as the storage space appears to be, an aide to Mueller said that the investigation would soon be seeking a second, even larger warehouse. “We need a place to put all the Jared stuff,” the aide said.
9/15/17 In Stunning New Deal with Democrats, Trump Agrees to Be Impeached
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In his most stunning deal yet with Democratic leaders, Donald Trump agreed on Friday to be impeached by the end of 2017.
Emerging from an Oval Office meeting with Senate Minority Leader Charles Schumer and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, a beaming Trump touted the deal for his imminent removal from office.
“Chuck and Nancy and I got a deal done on impeachment,” Trump said. “It was a good deal and it was a fast deal.”
Trump said that the Democrats had convinced him that agreeing to be impeached would make him soar in popularity. “People are going to love me for doing this,” Trump said. “They’re going to love it on all the channels.”
In a barb aimed at House Speaker Paul Ryan and Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, Trump said that the impeachment agreement was something he “never could have gotten done” with the Republican leadership.
“I went around and around with the Republicans for months on health care,” he said. “This meeting with Chuck and Nancy took, what, five minutes, and I could get back to watching TV.”
Hoping to capitalize on their momentum, Pelosi and Schumer said that they would meet with Trump next week to discuss the ouster of Vice-President Mike Pence.
9/13/17 White House Rejects Supremacist Label: “No One Has Done More Than Trump to Prove White People Are Not Superior”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Upbraiding the ESPN anchor Jemele Hill for calling Donald Trump a “white supremacist,” the White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said on Wednesday that “no one has done more than President Trump to prove that white people are not superior.”
“It’s grossly unfair that Ms. Hill sought to portray Donald Trump as an upholder of white supremacy, when everything he says or does directly undermines that whole concept,” Sanders said. “Anyone who thinks that Donald Trump is on some mission to make white people look good hasn’t been paying attention.”
Sanders urged the ESPN anchor to “do her homework” on Trump before making baseless allegations. “Read his tweets,” she said. “Listen to his speeches. If you still think Donald Trump is trying to prove that white people are superior, I tip my hat to you.”
Ending on a personal note, Sanders said that she was “a hundred-per-cent sure” that her boss is not a white supremacist. “Donald Trump cannot even spell the word ‘supremacist,’ ” she said.
9/12/17 Porn Industry Irrevocably Damaged by Association with Ted Cruz
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The pornography industry has likely suffered permanent damage as a result of its unfortunate association with the Texas senator Ted Cruz, industry sources said on Tuesday.
Porn, which takes in annual profits of fifteen billion dollars, could see those revenues decimated if, as some industry experts fear, users begin to have intrusive thoughts involving Senator Cruz.
“For porn producers, this is a crisis with no simple solution,” Harland Dorrinson, an industry insider, said. “If you warn viewers not to think about Ted Cruz, there’s a real danger that that’s all they’ll think about.”
In the hours since porn first became associated with the Texas senator, traffic to porn sites has plummeted in what industry sources are ruefully calling “the Cruz effect.”
“I’ve enjoyed porn for years and never dreamed that anything could ruin the experience for me,” Davis Logsdon, a porn user from Minnesota, said. “Thanks a lot, Ted Cruz.”
9/11/17 CBS Criticized for Airing Graphic Horror Program Without Viewer Advisory
Note: This satire was in reference to Steve Bannon on CBS 60 minutes defending Trump's "Both Sides" remark about the protesters and counter-protesters at Charlottesville where the protesters were white supremacists with torches making Nazi signs.
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—CBS ignited a firestorm of controversy on Sunday night after it broadcast a shockingly graphic horror program without any viewer advisory.
Millions of viewers who unwittingly tuned in to the highly upsetting program recoiled in revulsion and took to social media to rip CBS.
“It’s appalling to think that you would even consider broadcasting such a thing at seven o’clock, when children could be watching,” one viewer wrote. “Shame on CBS.”
Another irate viewer complained that he was “in total disbelief” that CBS would air such disturbing content with no warning preceding it. “I may never get those nightmarish images out of my head,” he wrote.
Responding to the avalanche of criticism, the chief executive of CBS, Leslie Moonves, said that he doubted that a viewer advisory before the program would have made a difference. “I knew what was coming, and I was still terrified by what I saw,” he said.
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