For me empathy is the ability not only to understand but care about other’s situation. Listen and put yourself in this person’s situation, and based on that, try to support. Sort of interaction, sensitivity.
Don’t know about linking it with fun. I don’t see the link.
Empathy link it to serious topics. Not appropriate to deal with it with humour. Depending on people, could be relevant to use humour.
If I am trying to be empathetic towards a person, it’s putting myself in logic, take this person and this topic seriously. No place for fun. Not able to reach the objective of being supportive. Rather first see it the situation, the person. Don’t see the link to fun.
Empathy is a daily thing. First persons in my family I try to show empathy and care. Love, care, attention, empathy. Not think in terms of empathy. Love. In the end you still empathise.
Not my family: empathy. My family: I wouldn’t call it the same. More related to love, care, experience you share. By default puts you in this relationship. On a daily basis. I never think “empathy” in my interactions with my family or close friends.
Concept I think about when I take into consideration a broader audience. Small audience (friends and family): more natural, daily happening. I just don’t think in terms of empathy. Expert might say it’s the same.
Topic that moves you, a group of new people — how can I show empathy, it’s important that I am empathetic. This is different to interacting with your family on a daily basis.
If I interact with friends, they would feel I don’t care (not listen, not interested): my brother and sister wouldn’t say: “show some empathy”, they would say: “don’t you care about me any more.”
Dilema: words we use. Maybe not relevant. Loving, friendly relationships: the word that comes to me is not empathy. When you compare the attitude: similar things: listening, think out of my perspective. Show empathy at work. Applied to empathy: self-evident.
With strangers you can choose to do it. Purpose is different. Join association that supports refugees: if I want to help meaningfully I will help to show empathy. This duty to be empathetic is because I decided to care about the situation. Family: brother and sister — there’s no decision that I made. Show more attention when it’s difficult for them — I would intensify it. We are relatives.
(Different expectations. Known each other for a long time)
Since little, educated in caring and being part of the family. Integrated.
Strangers: beginning: maybe not skilled in being empathetic towards this group. Make sure I can be of relevant support. Family: grew inside you. Being educated in a given context.
Empathy in family. And empathy outside family.
Effort. (Serious). Effort is structured, seriously meant. Family: minimum of common history, memories, experiences. Brings a lot of components of what are the efforts. Share many things with family members. Empathy is half-way achieved.
You can also desocialise from you family.
Connected: any time there is an event (birthday, birth, death, anniversary, holidays). You feel you belong to a “tribe” (We joke about a tribe). No brainer — have to be there. Make the effort to see each other. Whenever you miss out, you strongly feel it. You feel disconnected. Memory of family you will not have.
Daily basis: forget a name’s day (or important event), things happen (don’t live close, parallel lives). But something which is announced: I would like to be attending. Not going to be one on one, but the whole family. And you miss it, that is different. Missing a one on one is one thing. Missing a family thing is much more of a deal. Makes me much more sad if I cannot be there.
Family members you only see at those gatherings. Not such connection. That person is not here: still like to meet that person. Meeting: expectation that everyone is there.
Rare: if one cannot attend, it’s fine. Still attracts attention. Call this person. It’s noticed.
(laugh) The energy. Events — a lot of energy. Compare, ours is loud.
Goes up to grandparents on both sides. Dad’s side: family is grandmother who holds everything together. Mom’s side: grandparents call family meetings: children and grandchildren. Family with big F. Grandmother starts.
Parents, me, brother and sister.
Family that puts the biggest smile on my face is the bigger one. Keeps me in touch with cousins and aunts. Then, there is more fun. Fun-based. Atmosphere is lighter. Not frequently, when we meet, let’s talk about positive things. A lot of laughs, more than tears.
Wedding. Last time. It was fun, as usual. It was proud. Unique family event where you notice that you are the one that triggered that. Joy. Not the same angle. You are the one calling the family. People reply. They demonstrate their attention directly to you. Meeting, congratulating you. Same as others, but plus you see that you are the reason that the family gathers. Exciting.
Not natural to call it family. My wife is part of my family. But, family is still the same one. Part of her family.
I told in the office that I don’t have a family of my own (no children), but you have a wife, starting with two, you have a family! I see it more as our couple. One day we will become a family. Family is again the same. Wife is part of this family. Still those two circles, with an overlap, but not our own.
Interaction with the other family. When you talk, you have to merge and think about both. Extremely different. New significance. When grandparents pass away on both sides. This is a milestone. What is the family going to look like? Who will keep the spirit and call the meetings? But always with fun, if possible.
Becoming an adult, at the beginning you don’t have to care. Then you interact as adults, things that you are more drawing a line on, to accept or not accept. My parents got divorced. Which I couldn’t and still cannot accept. This changes how you interact with the family, Either you are on this side or on this side. This or that opinion. It’s healthy. We don’t have to lie, pretend we all agree. Disagreements on many topics.
Disagreement: talked with many people, people who don’t talk about things like that with you. Things I talk about with my sister, but not with my brother. I have to accept that. If I do, it will make him angry. Others: don’t think we have the same values. And that’s it. Touches topics where it would be meaningless. Both of us spending energy on this. Still respect and care for each other. But not worth it.
Family without any issue: holds for a while, but then comes back. Naive. Coping with it. Family life because of these, full of learnings. Family is not the side from where challenging issues can come up. In some cases, all troubles could be from family. Family was this calm side of my life. Enjoy being supported. Taking this to fight out there: society, work. No, family evolves. More important challenges came out of the family. Put on hold other things. Fix first the ones from the families. Mostly by talking. Family: call, know what’s wrong. It becomes clear. Give yourself time to adjust and understand why it happened. Didn’t happen just to you. Put it in relation to other things. Tell strangers (work) that you focus on the family, put effort into family. This is quite accepted and understood.
No balance in this (stable island, fighting in the world). Adult: 7-8 years, active role I have to play in the family. Child: going as the son of, having fun. Adult: I go because I want to go, (my parents wouldn’t be there), the way I interact is all mine, not playing. Mediator. Responsibility. This is cool. Not yet too much responsibility. Not complicated. Family: based on love and fun. Still important that this evolves.
My wife’s family is completely different. My family: play cards, play in the garden (summer games, petong). Playing together is a thing we did a lot. Cards, board games, evening, travelling in the car: my mum would make up games. If you don’t have this mentality: can’t stand it, let’s talk but not play. Fine. My wife’s family: they play much more since I am there. At the beginning it was me saying let’s do this game. Now, they could say let’s play some game. Spontaneity and frequency is less. But they do enjoy playing.