Two sisters. Three kids each. Late stage. 7 and 4 years. Close sisters. Parents still alive. No grandparents. Women-dominated family. Close family, not very complicated. Very close mentally. Very international perspective. Bhutan (husband). The other one is divorced. Strong family values. Value to be together. Quality time together. Integrate kids.
Austrian boyfriend. Different background. Closeness expresses itself clearly. Disadvantages of it: where is the individual space? Limit ourselves within this connectivity. Redefined with boyfriends. Seeing and accepting different needs. Allowing flexibility. Let go of “we do everything together.” Allowing for more choice. Because of the distance, strong need to spend time, with kids. Continue to learn. Challenge but a good one. Family is there always the next time. Not afraid there is no second meal. He has a lot bigger need for personal space. Confronts our constellation with that need. Strong habit. All sisters went into Buddhism. Stayed open. Keep openness, not too fixated on “this is what we do.” Bilateral talks. Not discuss it all together. Talk with each other. What do they think about it. The one who wants to change (me and boyfriend) suggest alternatives (make sure our needs are taken care of). Nitty-gritty, every day: being in a different summer house, come up with suggestions “we want to do this” (be clear about the need), now we want a quiet evening, now we want to go biking. Bring individual needs more clearly. My sister understands (the divorced one had the same situation). It’s happening. Open. Resistance is the fear of the unusual. Challenge of doing something new. Experiment in this very settled family framework. Makes it hard to do. Clashing of different loyalties, wishes. Increases pressure on the situation. When I manage to do it, I feel very good. Has positive impact on the family. No one wants to feel constrained by each other. Often, experience alone, and then get together and experience closeness more clearly. Recharging.
Parents have always worked a lot. Off work = family together: vacation, lived with sisters for a while, go back = live together, sleep with kids.
Together, do things together. Going in the park, kids love music, listen and dance, make food together, play games. Summer house, base where the family hangs out. Funny enough, no clear distinction between being a kid and being a grown up. It’s there but it’s never been a hierarchical family. Flexible. Nephew could ask big existential question, everyone questions together. Fairly flat structure.
Dancing is a bigger thing. Boyfriend collects music, makes CDs, listen, often all end up dancing. Sometimes alone, or together, but it’s not structured. Going on excursions. Everyone bikes in Denmark. Play outdoor games. Kind of like hide and seek. Kids love ninja. I am the big ninja. Fighting, martial arts wannabe. Mirroring what occupies them.
Most connected (funny): question things together, personal or general, inquiry, what is this, trying to understand. Giving room for individual, personal existential questions: what is, why and how. Show insecurity. When people give space for sharing this human part of each other. Questioning, opening up.
Traditions in the family. We know what to do, part of a whole, lunch for Easter. A lot about eating: Christmas, Easter, with extended family. Often sing. Going there to get an ice cream, biking to get lunch and going back. Confirming activity. Nice, what moves more is the questioning. Dare to share vulnerabilities.
Disconnected: sisters when we were younger, different places. 18 and 11. Phases where I was traveling, dad got cancer, was in the US travelling. Had visited me there. Not much contact. Can forget this safe ground where I can come back to. Forget this home base. I didn’t go home. I wasn’t happy with my decision then.
Now, small things. Big events in kids’ lives. All gather up and I am not part of it. Disconnect, sadness. Part of living abroad. Physical separation.
In contact: mom is getting older on auto pilot, story that I heard, tendency. Feeling of disconnect. Stays on the surface. Repeating, not questioning why it’s important. She is not in contact with what is important for her. Rather have I and the other have the courage to say that we are not present. Responsibility to stay present. Responsibility for the connection: mom, this is not so important for me, can we talk about something else. Give feedback on disconnection. Not everything has to be deep, but the quality of attention. It’s confronting another person, no bad intention, but caught up in habits. Lazy responses. You lose awareness too. Sisters: have a lot with kids to do, not present on the phone. Not being present in conversations. Not being aware.