East Bay and Online: Interviewed by Edwin
About Joan
Edwin's partner,
Has a mother and brother.
Mother and father had divorced.
What do you see as the role of empathy in the family?
What comes to mind is that empathy is one part of interacting with the family. There are several areas that come together when you are interacting.
One is focusing on the different people in your family and trying to communicate well. I know that is part of empathy but it's not just knowing who they are and what their needs are and listening to them, it is also, since they are family you have a history and you kind of know things about them and what is important and what isn't important besides your current interactions. So you have to kind of bring in the history with that to help you understand them. So understanding.
I often feel responsibility is part of my interaction with family as well. More so than people, You might feel responsibility to your friends, but there is a strong sense of allegiance and responsibility that your are not going to let them down.
With family, also, depending on the situation, age, what's going on with their health, and various issues, I think that you can't always present what you are thinking. That you have to use your judgment, so judgment calls about somebody saying. For example you mom, talking about Mexicans or something. If I was talking with a friend and someone said something like that I would think, 'ougoo" I don't really like this, I'm going to have to dialog about it.
But with your mom, I know her history, I know where she is coming from, and I would not say a word and that would be the best thing because you can't always just try to work though something with family members. Sometimes you can but you also have to take into consideration all those other factors.
You have to celebrate them as well, let then know how important they are and allow them to feel like their opinions do mater even when you don't agree with them.
It depends on the situation of all the things I just said, but perhaps with siblings that your closer in age to you can try sometimes to communicate feelings and try to work out a problem. It just depends it's a little bit different with family. That you know you are going to have to get along no mater what. You are not going to necessarily see eye to eye on something and you just have to let it go.
What do you think about having an agreement that you will have an empathic family? It's an agreement where everyone feel hear?
I don't think it is necessary, and it certainly wouldn't fly in my family. Maybe in your family.
[note: there is certain emotional or dynamic stuckness that seems to happen in families.]
They think I'm off my rocker. It doesn't need to be written down, because I know my mom and I know my brother, I know my cousins. My cousins and I don't have to have an agreement, we are on the same wavelength. My mom and I are not.
I see things and I try to understand and I try to cope. But there is no reason for a 93 year old to sign something like that. My brother and I are quite different and always will be. That's not something that would be appropriate. I see no purpose in my family.
It wouldn't be useful or just no purpose? Is it just like you accept things the way they are and you have an equilibrium and you don't want to change it?
There is no need to change it. Even regardless of what you think. People might grow and have experiences that affect them. But there are basic parts of them, and that is who they are. I don't think they have to change. You just have to decide that you care about them and you got to accept the good and the bad.
Do you think you could improve the relationship with empathy if it was increased?
No I do not. I do not think that I need to work on increasing empathy. Certainly not me.
[note: already has too much empathy, always taking care of others]
Your already very empathic?
yes, I am, too much. Too much. What is the term in psychology? A person who always has to do things for other people. I can't think of what it's called. I have to do things. I was raised that way and that is the way I am and it's not really totally the best thing.
Did you get the empathy you wanted? Do you think the family members are empathizing with you to the level you would like?
It's not like that . You don't understand. I told you, my mom is mom and she can yell and scream and not remember things, and then be different. That is who she is. I don't expect her to do anything else, except hang in there. Because now like she is going on like, if you don't get here soon I won't be her. That kind of thing. She also has her depression part. Can't change it.
And I am not going to change my brother. He is exploded at me and he has a temper, and I know that but he is not always like that. You just have to watch what you do and say. And we get along otherwise and he has a great marriage and he is devoted to his wife and my mother and that is who he is. I respect that and don't always agree with what he does with my mom but I like that fact that he does it. So you have the good and the bad. It's not like I'm going to have a chummy wommy discussion like I would with my cousin. Because we are not on the same wavelength.
Quite different from cousins but we care about each other and respect each other.
Why can't things change? Why can't you deepen empathy with your family?
Because I have 69 years of experience. Based on 69 years of experience and history and I am ok with it. I like here and they live there. We have problems at times with family, things pop up and you have to come together problems like with my mom now being older. We do the very best we can and I don't know what else we would do. I not going to turn my brother into my best pal.
Just like you are not going to turn your brother into your best pal. He is a taciturn man that does not reach out in a way you would like him to. But he is like that now at 50 years and he was like that when he was 40, 30 and probably when he was 20 and he will be like that when he is 60 or 70. He is not going to change hugely. He is luck, he found somebody where they are able to overcome that and accept each other most of the time.
Acceptance is part of it. You accept your family for who they are and that is important. I don't have a serial killer in the family where I have to worry about really accepting them. We have different personality quirks, where we are all different.
What do you think about the empathy circles we had in the family? It seems to me that it added more tools for empathic dialog in the family?
Your sister seem to think so. JohnA doesn't really but he will say it does. Because your sister could not cope with JaneB. But JaneB has changed by having her 4th child. She seems to be a little more accepting. all of the different life experiences feed into that. So she thinks it's helped her. I'm sure your mom doesn't feel it's helped but she might tell you that, but she told me. I don't' feel that JohnA feels it's made a huge difference. Your sister does and JaneB just glories in anything where she is getting the center of attention. So it works for he.
[note: different family members have different ideas about the level of success of the empathy circle)
Notes
Joan and Robyn both seem to say change is rather hopelessness in family dynamics.
Robyn said change can happen with children.