Men and women

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.'

The woman below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be in Information Technology,' said the balloonist.

'I am,' replied the woman, 'How did you know?'

'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you told me is, technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip.'

The woman below responded, 'You must be in Management.'

'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the woman, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.

The Spanish teacher

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

The women won.

Husband on a hot tin roof

A woman went on a company trip, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she asked him to take extra special care of her cat. The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.Her husband said, 'The cat just died.'

She burst into tears and said, 'How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof. Tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg. Then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?'

'She's playing on the roof.'

The store that sells husbands

A store that sells new husbands has recently opened, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

At the entrance is a notice board with a set of instructions on how the store operates:

'You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!'

So, a woman went into the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward.

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid charges of gender bias, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor had wives that love sex.

The second floor had wives that love sex and have money.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

The genie

One day a genie appeared to a California man and offered to grant him one wish.

The man thought for a while and said: 'I wish you'd build a bridge from here to Hawaii so I could drive there anytime'

The genie frowned 'I don't know. It sounds like quite an undertaking,' he said.

'Just think of the logistics, the supports required reaching the bottom of the ocean, the concrete, and the steel! Why don't you pick something else?"

The man thought for a while and then said,

'Okay, I wish for a complete understanding of women - what they are thinking, why they cry. I wish I knew how to make a woman truly happy'.

The genie was silent for a minute, then said, 'So how many lanes did you want on that bridge?'

Marriage jokes

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
Socrates

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
Milton Berle

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry

After marriage, a husband and wife become two sides of a coin, they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.
Hemant Joshi

I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs for me.
Anonymous

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.

We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.

She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henry Youngman

I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't.
Patrick Murray

Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming

1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.

Nash