Humour
The thief
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a street by sucking on a hose, he got much more than he bargained for.
Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline, but he plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake.
The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had and the perpetrator had been punished enough!
The bus driver
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mentally ill patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped.
Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.
The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.
The blizzard
A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space.
Understandably, he shot her.
The goat and the horse
There was once a farmer who had a horse and a goat.
One day, the horse became ill and so the farmer called the vet, who said: 'Well, I'm afraid that your horse has a serious virus, He must take this medicine for three days. I'll come back on the 3rd day and if he's not better, we're going to have to put him down.'
Nearby, the goat listened closely to their conversation. The next day, the farmer gave him the medicine and left. The goat approached the horse and said: 'Be strong, my friend. Get up or else they're going to put you to sleep.'
On the second day, the farmer gave the horse the medicine again and left. 'The goat came back and said: come on friend, get up or else you're going to die! I'll help you get up. Let's go! One, two, three.' But the horse after struggling hard, could not get up.
On the third day, the vet came to give him the medicine and said: 'Unfortunately, we're going to have to put him down tomorrow, or the virus might spread and infect your other horses'.
After they left, the goat approached the horse and said: 'Listen friend, it's now or never! Get up, come on! Have courage! Come on! Get up! Get up!
That's it, slowly! Great! Come on, one, two, three... Good, good. Now faster, come on...... Fantastic! Run, run more! Yes! Yes! Yes! You did it, you're a champion!!! '
Suddenly, the owner came back, saw the horse running across the field and started shouting: 'It's a miracle! My horse is cured. We must have a grand party. Let's kill the goat!'
The donkey
One day a farmer's donkey fell into an abandoned well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to decide what to do.
Finally, he decided the animal was old and the well needed to be covered up anyway; so it just wasn't worth trying to retrieve the donkey. He invited all his neighbours to come over to help him. They each grabbed a shovel and began to shovel earth into the well. Realising what was happening, the donkey at first wailed horribly. Then, some shovelfuls later, he quietened down completely.
The farmer peered down into the well and was astounded by what he saw. With every shovelful of dirt that hit his back, the donkey would shake it off and take a step up on the new layer of dirt. As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Eventually, the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and trotted off, to the astonishment of the neighbours!
Life is going to shovel all kinds of dirt on you. The trick is to not let it bury you but to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by shaking it off and taking a step up!
The taxi driver
A passenger tapped the taxi driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, mounted on the pavement, and stopped inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, 'Look mate, don’t ever do that again. You scared the living daylights out of me!”'
The passenger apologised and said, 'Sorry, I didn’t realise that a little tap on the shoulder would scare you so much.'
The driver replied, 'Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a taxi driver, I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 20 years.'
A true story from Queensland
A police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few yards, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last, he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.
To his amazement, the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.
The Police officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station, this breathalyser equipment must be broken.'
'I doubt it,' the man said, 'tonight I'm the designated decoy'.
The dead duck
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out her stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook her head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, but your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," she replied.
"How can you be so certain?" she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled her eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog, took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, miaowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100 percent certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to her computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which she handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!" she cried. "£150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the lab report and the cat scan, it's now £150.
Who is the fastest
Three young kids are boasting about which of their fathers is the fastest.
The first says, 'Well, my dad runs so fast, when he shoots an arrow and then starts running, he gets there before the arrow'.
The second says, 'That’s slow. My dad is so swift, he can shoot a gun and be there before the bullet'.
The third one listens to his friends. Then says,
'Nonsense, you don’t know the definition of fast.
My dad works for the government. He stops working at 5 o'clock and he's home by 4:30!'
Funeral for a Fish
Little Liam was in the garden filling a hole with mud when his neighbour peered over the fence.Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, “What are you up to there, Liam?”“My pet goldfish died,” replied Liam tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”The neighbour said, “Isn't that an awfully big hole for a little fish Liam?”Liam carefully patted down the last heap of earth, and then replied,
“That’s because he’s still inside your stupid cat.”
The new salesman
A young guy from Minnesota moved to Florida and went to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager said, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid said "Yeah, I was a salesman back in Minnesota "
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid said, "One".
The boss said "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid said "101, 237 dollars 65 cents".
The boss said "101, 237 dollars 65 cents? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid said, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the
coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft.
Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said, "No, the guy came in here to buy sanitary pads for his wife and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing.' "
Short jokes
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them, and you have their shoes.
Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
Fashion is what you adopt when you don’t know who you are.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. (Woody Allen?)
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
If at first, you don't succeed, then don't try skydiving.
If it weren’t for the fact that the TV and the refrigerator are so far apart, some of us wouldn’t get any exercise at all.
I’m astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Business jokes
Committee – a group of people who keep minutes and waste hours.
If you want to kill any idea in the world, get a committee working on it.
After all is said and done, more is usually said than done.
An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications.
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country (George W. Bush - true quote)
A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.
Several months later, a friend asked him how he liked his new role.
"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
Office Rules
Rule 1: The Boss is always right.
Rule 2: If the Boss is wrong, see Rule 1.
Those who work get more work. Others get pay, perks, and promotions.
If you are good, you will get all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
When bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
It doesn’t matter what you do, it only matters what you say you’ve done and what say you are going to do.
Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
If at first you don’t succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
If it weren’t for the last minute, nothing would get done.
Everything can be filed under “Miscellaneous” .
In order to get a promotion, you only need to pretend that you know your job.
When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong.
A tax is a fine for doing well.
Film insults
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx
He has the attention span of a lightning bolt. - Robert Redford
His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. - Mae West
His ears made him look like a taxicab with both doors open. - Howard Hughes (about Clark Gable)
You've got the brain of a four-year-old boy and I bet he was glad to get rid of it. - Groucho Marx
How to select the right person for the job
Put one hundred bricks randomly on the floor in a closed room with an open window and send three job candidates into the room, then close the door.
Leave them undisturbed in the room for several hours and then go back into the room and analyse the situation.
If they are counting the Bricks, put them in Finance
If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
If they are arranging the Bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
If they are throwing the Bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
If they are sitting doing nothing, put them in HR.
If they say they've tried different combinations, but not a brick has been moved, send them to Sales.
If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
If they have thrown all the bricks out the window, put them in Business Process Re-engineering.
And last but not least, if they are gossiping with each other and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and promote them to Senior Management.
The monastery
A man is driving down a long road, miles from anywhere and breaks down. The only building on the road is an ancient monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, 'My car has broken down. Do you think I could stay the night?'
The monks graciously accept him in, give him dinner, and even help him to mend his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; an eery sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, 'We can't tell you because you're not a monk.'
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes on his way. But some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and again help him to mend his car.
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerising sound he had heard years earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, 'We can't tell you because you're not a monk.'
The man says, 'All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?'
The monks' reply, 'You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.'.
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, 'I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task you demanded and have found that there are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 pebbles of sand upon the earth.'
The monks' reply, 'Congratulations, you are correct. You are now considered a monk and have been accepted into our order.'
'We shall now show you the way to the sound.'
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, 'May I have the key?'
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone... The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire.
And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, 'This is the key to the last door.'
The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door, he is astonished to find the source of the strange sound.
It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.
...... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.
The hospital
The Prince of Wales is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of patients with no obvious signs of injury. He goes to greet the first and the patient replies:
'Fair fa' your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thairm:
Weel are ye wordy o' a grace
As lang 's my arm.'
The Prince, being somewhat confused, goes to the next patient and greets him. He replies:
'Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thankit.'
The third starts rattling off as follows:
'Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!
I wad be laith to rin an chase thee,
Wi murdering pattle!'
The Prince turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks, 'What sort of ward is this? Is it a mental illness ward?'
'No,' replies the doctor,
...
'It's the Serious Burns unit.'
The difference between heaven and hell
While walking down the street one day a ‘Member of Parliament’ is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St Peter at the entrance. “Welcome to heaven,” says St Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the MP.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
And with that, St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly and nice guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the MP joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St Peter returns.
'Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The MP reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and rubbish.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the rubbish and putting it in black bags as more rubbish falls from above.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the MP. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.'
'What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says:
'Yesterday we were campaigning.'
'Today you voted.'
The big bank
An old lady died in January, and the big bank where she had her credit card from billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and also added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been £0.00 when she died, but now somewhere around £60.00. A family member called the bank.
Here is the exchange:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you that my Aunt died back in January.'
Big Bank: 'I'm afraid that the account was never closed and so late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'Maybe you should turn it over to collections.'
Big Bank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member: 'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
Big Bank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
Big Bank: 'Excuse me?'
Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you, the part about her being dead?'
Big Bank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.' The supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance on her account.'
Supervisor: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
Supervisor: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member: 'No, I'm her nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)
Supervisor: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member: 'Certainly.' (Fax number was given) After they get the fax :
Supervisor: 'I'm afraid our system just isn't setup for circumstances like this one. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member: 'Well, if you work it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'
Supervisor: 'Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.' (What is wrong with these people?!?)
Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'
Supervisor: 'That might help....'
Family Member: 'Manchester Memorial Cemetery, Beckett's Lane, Plot Number 69.'
Supervisor: 'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'
The Parrot
For his birthday in December a young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the Bird’s’ mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John got fed up and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arm and said, 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.'
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, when the bird continued, 'May I ask what the turkey did?'
The Rabbit
A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman 'Can I have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie'
The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.
The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.
The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub (because word gets round) give the rabbit the pint and the toastie.
The rabbit consumes these and leaves.
The next night, the pub is packed. In walks the rabbit and says 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman'.
The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.
The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making more
money in one week than he did all last year.
In walks the rabbit and says, 'A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman', smiling and accepting the tributes of the masses.
The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties'
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie'
The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it'
The crowd is ear-shatteringly silent. The barman, with a roguish smile, said, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it'
'Ok' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie'
The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves.... NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!
One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his) calls time. When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar.
The barman said, 'Who are you'
To which he is answered, 'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house'
The barman said, 'I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, masses came to see you and this place was famous'
The rabbit said, 'Yes I know'
The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead'
The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it'
The barman said, 'You never came back, after that fateful night, what happened'
'I DIED', said the Rabbit.
'NO!' said the barman,'what from'.
After a short pause.
The rabbit said...
'Mixing-me-toasties'.
Divert Or Else
This is the transcript of the radio conversation between a US Naval ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct 95. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95:
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
American ship: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
American ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert your course.
American ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
28 ways to know you are Chinese ...
1. You unwrap gifts very carefully, so you can save and reuse the wrapping (and especially those bows).
2. When there is a sale on toilet paper, you buy 100 rolls and store them in your closet or in the bedroom of an adult child who has moved out.
3. You keep a Thermos of hot water available at all times.
4. You save grocery bags, tin foil, and tin containers. You use the grocery bags to hold garbage.
5. You hate to waste food
a. Even if you're totally full, if someone says they're going to throw away the leftovers on the table, you'll finish them. (Your mom will give a lecture about starving kids in Africa)
b. You have Tupperware in your fridge with three bites of rice or one leftover chicken wing.
6. You don't own any real Tupperware- only a cupboard full of used but carefully rinsed margarine tubs, take out containers, and jam jars.
7. You have a collection of miniature shampoo bottles that you take every time you stay in a hotel.
8. You wipe your plate and utensils or wash them in a small basin of hot water before you eat every time you go to a restaurant.
9. You own a rice cooker and a slow cooker
10. You wash your rice at least 2-3 times before cooking it.
11. You fight (literally) over who pays the dinner bill.
12. You have a teacup with a cover on it.
13. If you're under age 25, you own a really expensive phone if you're over 25, you own a really expensive camera.
14. You're a wok user.
15. You only make long distance calls after 7pm.
16. You prefer your shrimp with the heads and legs still attached-it means they're fresh.
17. You never call your parents just to say hi.
18. If you don't live at home, when your parents call, they'll ask if you've eaten, even if it's midnight.
19. Your parents tell you to boil herbs and stay inside when you get sick. They also tell you not to eat fried foods or baked goods because they're heaty (yeet hay in Cantonese).
20. You email your Chinese friends at work, even though you only sit 10 feet apart.
21. You always cook too much.
22. You eat every last grain of rice in your bowl, but don't eat the last piece of food on the table.
23. You starve yourself before going to all you can eat buffet.
24. You know someone who can get you a good deal on jewelry or electronics, computers.
25. You own your own meat cleaver and sharpen it.
26. Your toothpaste tubes are all squeezed paper-thin.
27. You know why this list consists of only "28" reasons.
28. You take this message and forward it to all your Chinese friends.
The golfer
A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He decided that if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise, the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball and it was directly between his ball and the green. After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, 'You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree.'
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground, not a foot from where it had originally laid. The old man offered one more comment, 'Of course when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall.'
Half full or half empty?
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold.
If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Thy were opposite in every way.
Just to see what would happen, at Christmas their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly
'Why are you crying?' the father asked
'Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.' answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. 'What are you so happy about?' he asked.
To which his optimist twin replied, 'There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!'
It's not rocket science
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains.
Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified engineers sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for suggestions.
NASA responded with a one-line memo: 'Defrost the chicken.'
The cow on the line
Some years ago a friend and I were travelling by train when it ground to a halt. The guard explained there was a cow on the line. My friend asked the guard, why it couldn't just be picked up and thrown over the hedge, which earned him an odd look. 'Are you a farmer?' asked the guard. 'No, I'm a graphic designer. What's that got to do with anything?' retorted my friend.
He was getting some very strange looks from other passengers. 'They don't move by themselves,' continued my friend, who has always had a bit of a warped sense of humour.
He was soon locked in an exchange with an elderly lady who took issue with this statement.
All of a sudden we heard an almighty bang and a train coming the other way thundered past, having smashed into the cow.
'Brilliant,' says my friend, 'I hope that knocked the stuffing out it.' His heartlessness really irritated other passengers and when we finally got to Barnsley two ladies gave him a dressing down.
As we walked to the pub, I said I hope it didn't suffer too much. 'What suffered?' he asked. 'The cow on the line,' I said. 'A cow! It was a cow?' he shouted.
He looked mortified with embarrassment. 'For God's sake, I thought he said couch!'