Christmas Humour
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I have sinned
'Bless me Father, for I have sinned this Christmas. I have not been to confession for six months. On top of that, I've been with a loose woman.'
The priest sighs. 'Is that you, little Tommy O'Shaughnessy?'
'Yes, Father, 'tis I.'
'And who might be the woman you were with?'
'I shan't be tellin' you, Father. It would ruin her reputation.'
'Well, Tommy, I'm bound to find out sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Brenda O'Malley?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Patricia Fitzgerald?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Bridget O'Shaner?'
'I'm sorry, but I'll not name her.'
'Was it Cathy O'Dell?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Fiona Mallory, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration, 'You're a steadfast lad, Tommy O'Shaughnessy, and I admire that. But, you've sinned, and you must atone. Be off with you now.'
Tommy walks back to his pew. His friend, Sean, slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Five new leads'
The angel on the tree
It was supposed to be a happy time but wasn't. Santa was really fed up. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the Christmas cookies. The Elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had put in while making toys, and the reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk.
They had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and crashed it into a tree, breaking off one of the runners.
Santa was beside himself with anger. 'I CAN'T believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours from now and all my reindeer are drunk and my Elves are on strike. I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?'
Just then the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas Tree. He says: 'Yo, Santa, where do you want me to stick the Christmas Tree this year?'
And thus the tradition of Angels perched atop the Christmas tree came to pass.
Christmas cake recipe
You'll need the following:
1 cup of water
1 cup of sugar
4 large brown eggs
2 cups of dried fruit
1 teaspoon of salt
1 cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
Nuts
A bottle of whisky
Sample the whisky to check for quality. Take a large bowl. Check the whisky again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add one teaspoon of sugar and beat again. Make sure the whisky is still OK.
Cry another tup. Tune up the mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it goose with a drewscriver.
Sample the whisky to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
Check the whisky. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon the sugar or something. Whatever you can find. Grease the oven.
Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whisky again and go to bed.
The twins
A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a do
Just to see what would happen, at Christmas their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure
That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.
'Why are you crying?' the father asked.
'Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken.' answered the pessimist twin.
Passing the optimist twin's room, his father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. 'What are you so happy about?' he asked.
To which his optimist son replied, 'There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!'
The star in the East
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor said, 'Hello, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?'
The mother said, 'It's my daughter Tracy, she keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight and is sick most mornings.'
The doctor gave Tracey a good examination then turns to the mother and said, 'Well,I don't know how to tell you this but Tracy is pregnant - about 4 months would be my guess.'
The mother says, 'Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Tracy?'
Tracy says, 'No mother! I've never even kissed a man!'
The doctor walked over to the window and just stared out it. About five minutes passed and finally the mother said, 'Is something wrong out there doctor?'
The doctor replies, 'No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the East and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be darned if I'm going to miss it this time!'
A Scottish Christmas
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, 'I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.'
'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son exclaims.
'We can't stand the sight of each other any longer' the father says.
'We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.'
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
'Like hell they're getting divorced!" she shouts, 'I'll take care of this!'
She calls Scotland immediately and yells at her father 'You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow.'
'Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?' and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're both coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
Name the Christmas carol
Bleached Yule
Far Off in a Feeder
The Quadruped with the Vermillion Proboscis
Nocturnal Noiselessness
Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration
Singular Yearning for the Twin Anterior Incisors
Righteous Darkness
Arrival Time2400 hrs - WeatherCloudless
Loyal Followers Advance
Array the Corridor
Bantam Male Percussionist
Monarchial Triad
Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
Red Man En Route to Borough
Frozen Precipitation Commence
Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
Delight for this Planet
Give Attention to the Melodious Celestial Beings
The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals
Answers:
White Christmas
Away in a Manger
Rudolph, the Red-nosed Reindeer
Silent Night
Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth
O Holy Night
It Came Upon a Midnight Clear
O Come, All Ye Faithful
Deck the Hall
Little Drummer Boy
We Three Kings
God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen
Santa Claus is Coming to Town
Let it Snow
Go, Tell It on the Mountain
What Child is This?
Joy to the World
Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
The Twelve Days of Christmas
Politically corrected Christmas carols
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep
Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:
Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons. Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.
Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Record check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock the baby Jesus. Persons must carry their Criminal Rrcord disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.
Jingle Bells
Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way
A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on. The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions.
Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
While Shepherds Watched
While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around
The Shepherd's Union has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the angel of the lord is reminded that before shining his/her glory all around she/he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and Glory.
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
has a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.
You are advised that under the Equal Opportunities Act, it is inappropriate for persons to make comment with regard to the ruddiness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from the Reindeer Games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
A full investigation will be implemented and sanctions - including suspension on full pay - will be considered whilst this investigation takes place.
Little Donkey
Little donkey, little donkey on the dusty road
Got to keep on plodding onwards with your precious load
The RSPCA have issued strict guidelines with regard to how heavy a load that a donkey of small stature is permitted to carry, also included in the guidelines is guidance regarding how often to feed the donkey and how many rest breaks are required over a four hour plodding period.
Please note that due to the increased risk of pollution from the dusty road, Mary and Joseph are required to wear face masks to prevent inhalation of any airborne particles. The donkey has expressed his discomfort at being labelled 'little' and would prefer just to be simply referred to as Mr Donkey. To comment upon his height or lack thereof may be considered an infringement of his equine rights.
We Three Kings
We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star
Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'cash for gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipient's name or perhaps give a gift voucher. We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC route finder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption.
Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Facemasks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camels' hooves.
Away in a Manger
Away in a Manger
No Crib for a bed
Social Services !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Enjoy the season of goodwill :o)