Science puzzles and jokes

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A highly toxic chemical

A student in a prize-winning project, urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical dihydrogen monoxide as it can:

• cause excessive sweating and vomiting

• it is a major component in acid rain

• cause severe burns in its gaseous state

• accidental inhalation can kill you

• contribute to erosion

• decrease effectiveness of automobile brakes

• it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients.

He asked 150 people if they supported a ban of the chemical.

• One hundred forty-three said yes.

• Six were undecided

• Only one knew that the chemical was …

Water!

The title of his project was, “How Gullible Are We?” He was trying to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practising junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. ”Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.”

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Bill Watterson

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
Douglas Adams

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
Wernher Von Braun

A long time ago a student went to three lectures by a famous rabbi. Afterwards he told his friends, ‘The first talk was brilliant, clear and simple. I understood every word. The second was even better, deep and subtle. I didn’t understand much, but the rabbi understood all of it. The third was by far the finest: I understood nothing and the rabbi didn’t understand much either.
Story told by physicist Niels Bohr

Science jokes

A neutron walked into a bar and said 'I'd like a beer, please.'

After the bartender gave him one, he said 'How much will that be?'

'For you?' said the bartender 'No charge'

If it weren't for Thomas Edison we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

There are three types of Mathematician; those who can count, and those who can't.

Engineers try to link reality to equations, while Scientists try to link equations with reality.

Mathematicians refuse to accept that such links exist.

Any proof may be written in one line if you start sufficiently far to the left. (Turing machine?)

Logic is the systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

A seminar on time travel will be held two weeks ago

An aircraft landing is simply a controlled collision with a planet

What did the maths graduate say to the sociology graduate: 'I'll have a burger and fries please!'

2002: year of the Palindrome

The doctor

A doctor was due to give a presentation at a prestigious international pharmaceutical conference when he suddenly realised that he had left the pen drive containing his presentation back in his hotel room, so he was forced to fall back on his hastily scribbled first draft.

But when he got up to make his presentation he found that he couldn't even read his own handwriting in the draft. So after walking up to the podium he asked his audience: “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”

The lecturer

A Lecturer in a Medical college, famous for his high regard for social values, was lecturing the students on the harms of alcohol. To demonstrate its adverse effect on the human nervous system, he took a worm and dropped it into a bowl of gin & tonic.

The worm wriggled around for a few minutes before finally giving a few convulsive twitches and dying. “So what can you conclude from it?”, asked the Lecturer.

“Yes,” came a voice from the back, “if you have got worms in your stomach, drink alcohol.”

The helicopter

Six professors of engineering were asked to sit in a helicopter and were then told that the helicopter was made by their own students.

All of them jumped out of the helicopter immediately except one who said, "If it's been made by my students there's not a chance that it will even start!"

Statistics

Statistics are like a drunk with a lampost: used more for support than illumination.
Churchill

Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Aaron Levenstein

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.
Stephen Leacock

14 out of 10 people like chocolate.

2 + 2 = 5 (for extremely large values of 2)

The train

Four mathematicians and four biologists were traveling to a conference by train. The biologists stopped at the ticket office and bought four tickets for the outward journey. They were most surprised to see that the mathematicians only bought one ticket between them.

The biologists didn't say anything to the mathematicians (for fear of looking stupid) and the eight delegates got on the train.

The biologists noticed the ticket inspector coming down the train and one whispered to another, 'Ah they're for it now!'.

But the mathematicians calmly got up from their seats and squashed themselves into the toilet.

The inspector (who was wise to people hiding in the toilet) knocked on the door.

One of the mathematicians pushed their only ticket under the door. It was promptly stamped and returned, and the inspector continued on his way.

After two interesting conferences, the eight delegates met up at the station for the return journey.

The biologists thought that they would take advantage of the trick the mathematicians had pulled on the way there, and only bought one ticket between them. They were completely perplexed when the mathematicians bought no tickets.

The eight got on the train, and as the ticket inspector approached their carriage, the biologists piled into the toilet.

There was a knock at the door, and they pushed their ticket underneath. They then heard the sound of muffled laughter as the mathematicians hurried away to the toilet at the other end of the carriage.

The maths contest

A Mathematician, a Physicist and an Engineer entered a mathematics contest, the first task of which was to prove that all odd numbers are prime.

That's easy said the Mathematician, '1's a prime, 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime. Therefore by mathematical induction, all odd numbers are prime'.

It was then the Physicist's turn: '1's a prime, 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime, 11's a prime, 13's a prime. So, allowing for experimental error, all odd numbers are prime.'

The engineer gave the simplest proof: '1's a prime, 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime, 9's a prime, 11's a prime, 13's a prime . . . '.

The lone sheep

A Mathematician, a Physicist, and an astronomer were traveling north by train.

They had just crossed the border into Scotland when the Astronomer looked out of the window and saw a single black sheep in the middle of a field. 'All Scottish sheep are black,' he remarked.

'No, my friend,' replied the Physicist, 'Some Scottish sheep are black.'

At which point the Mathematician looked up from his paper and glanced out the window. After a few second's thought he said blandly: 'In Scotland, there exists at least one field, in which there exists at least one sheep, at least one side of which is black.'

Newton or Pascal?

All the great scientists met up in heaven after they had died and decided to play a game of hide and seek

Einstein was the one who had the den. He counted up to one hundred before he started to search for the other scientists

Everyone started to hide except Newton who just drew a square with sides of one metre and stood in it, right in front of Einstein.

Einsteins finished counting ....97, 98, 99, 100! He opened his eyes and found Newton standing right in front of him.

Einstein exclaimed "Newtons out, Newton's out!"

Newton said "No, I'm not out as I'm not Newton!"

All the other scientists now left their hiding places and demanded that he proved that he was not Newton.

Newton said:

"I am standing in a square of area 1 metre square.

That means I am Newton per metre square.

Hence I am Pascal as 1 Newton per square metre = a Pascal!"

Plagiarism in university applications

30,000 pupils plagiarised personal statements in university applications, despite a new plagiarism detection system. Here are some of the most common plagiarisms is opening sentences:

• From a young age I have always been interested in ... (309 times)

• From an early age I have always been interested in … (292 times)

• Nursing is a very challenging and demanding career … (275)

• For as long as I can remember I have been fascinated with … (196)

• Fashion is not something that exists in dresses only … (189)

• For as long as I can remember I have been interested in … (166)

• Academically, I have always been a very determined and … (138)

Many applicants borrowed from the same website. 234 applications for medicine contained “Ever since I accidentally burnt holes in my pyjamas after experimenting with a chemistry set on my 8th birthday, I have always had a passion for science”

Other common ones were: “From an early age I have been fascinated by the workings of life. The human body is a remarkable machine”

And “Living with my 100-year-old grandfather has allowed me to appreciate the frailties of the human body. When he had prostatitis, I went with him to hospital”

The interview question

A mathematician was being interviewed for a job. He was asked to provide a solution to the following problem: 'You are walking down a street and see a fire hydrant, with a hose lying on the ground nearby. The house opposite is on fire. What do you do?'

The mathematician thought for a bit, and then said: 'Well, clearly you plug the hose into the hydrant, turn on the water, and use it to put out the fire.'

'Very good,' said the interviewer. 'Now imagine a similar situation, but the house is no longer on fire, and the hose is plugged into the fire hydrant.'

'But that's trivial.' replied the mathematician, 'You just unplug the hose and set fire to the house, then it's reduced to the previous problem.'

Terrible puns for the educated ....

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.

This just goes to prove that... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed in a fire, ...and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, 'Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!'

The doctor calmly responded, 'Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient.'

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.

Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.

Croesus said, 'I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it.'

'But I paid a million dinars for it,' the King protested.

'Don't you know who I am? I am the king!'

Croesus replied, 'When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are.'

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day.

After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.

The chief shrugged and said, 'The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on.'

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.

His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologised profusely saying, 'I must have taken Leif off my census.'

A sceptical anthropologist was cataloguing South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal elder who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.

When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the elder looked him in the eye and said, 'Let me tell you, with fronds like these, you don't need enemas.'