Legal humour
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What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?
A good lawyer knows the law.
A great lawyer knows the judge.
Two lawyers went into a restaurant and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.
The owner becoming quite concerned, marched over and told them, “You can’t eat your own sandwiches in here!”
The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
Actually Said in Court
Some lawyers are not the brightest ......
Barrister: Doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
Witness: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Doctor: No.
Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Doctor: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Doctor: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
Lawyer: How was your first marriage terminated?
Witness: By death.
Lawyer: And by whose death was it terminated?
Lawyer: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
Doctor: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Lawyer: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
Doctor: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Lawyer: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
Doctor: There were traces of semen.
Lawyer: Male semen?
Doctor: That's the only kind I know of.
Lawyer: Can you describe the individual?
Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Lawyer: Was this a male, or a female?
Lawyer: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Lawyer: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
Witness: I went to Europe, Sir.
Lawyer: And you took your new wife?
Barrister: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
Witness: Yes.
Barrister: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
Witness: I forget.
Barrister: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?
Lawyer: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
Doctor: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Barrister: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
Witness: Yes.
Barrister: And what were you doing at that time?
Barrister: She had three children, right?
Witness: Yes.
Barrister: How many were boys?
Witness: None.
Barrister: Were there any girls?
Lawyer: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
Lawyer: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Lawyer: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Lawyer: Did he kill you?
Lawyer: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Lawyer: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Lawyer: How many times have you committed suicide?
And also some witnesses ....
Barrister: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July fifteenth.
Barrister: What year?
Witness: Every year.
Barrister: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Barrister: Did you blow your horn or anything?
Witness: After the accident?
Barrister: Before the accident.
Witness: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Barrister: How old is your son-the one living with you.
Witness: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Barrister: How long has he lived with you?
Witness: Forty-five years.
Barrister: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or occult?
Witness: We both do.
Barrister: Voodoo?
Witness: We do.
Barrister: You do?
Witness: Yes, voodoo.
Barrister: And where was the location of the accident?
Witness: Approximately milepost 499.
Barrister: And where is milepost 499?
Witness: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Barrister: Sir, what is your IQ?
Witness: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Barrister: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
Witness: Yes.
Barrister: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
Witness: Yes, sir.
Barrister: What did she say?
Witness: What disco am I at?
Barrister: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
Witness: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
Barrister: And why did that upset you?
Witness: My name is Susan.
Lawyer: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
Witness: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Lawyer: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
Witness: Oral.
Lawyer: You were not shot in the fracas?
Witness: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
Lawyer: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
Witness: I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
Witness: No.
Lawyer: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down the footpath to the cowshed?
Witness: I did.
Lawyer: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
Witness: I did.
Lawyer: And did you observe anything?
Witness: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
Lawyer: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
Witness: I saw George.
Lawyer: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: Can you tell the Court what George was doing?
Witness: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
Lawyer: Well, would you kindly do so?
Witness: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
Lawyer: His 'thing'?
Witness: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his penis.
Lawyer: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good, you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
Witness: Yes.
Lawyer: Did you say anything to him?
Witness: Of course I did!
Lawyer: What did you say to him?
Witness: 'Morning, George.'
Legal Jokes
As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said' 'Why are all the blinds drawn?'
The doctor answered: 'There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure.'
An Amish man named Smith was injured when he and his horse was struck by a car at an intersection. Smith sued the driver. In court, he was cross-examined by the driver's lawyer:
Lawyer: 'Mr. Smith, you've told us all about your injuries. But according to the accident report, you told the investigating officer at the scene that you were not injured at all?'
Smith: 'Well, let me explain. When the officer arrived at the scene, he first looked at my horse. He said 'Looks like he has a broken leg, and then he took out his gun and shot the horse. He then came up to me and asked me how I was doing. I of course, immediately said 'I'm fine!'
'Mr. Jones, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce court judge said, 'and I've decided to give your wife 275 dollars a week.'
'That's very fair, your honour,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'