HUMOUR PAGES: Humour Science Humour Legal Humour General Humour Men & Women Career Humour Christmas Humour Computing Humour
MAIN MENU including tests and careers sections
What is the definition of an engineer?
Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.
When does a person decide to become an engineer?
When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.
How do you drive an engineer completely insane?
Tie her to a chair, stand in front of her, and fold up a road map the wrong way.
How can you tell an extroverted engineer?
When she talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of her own.
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Why did the auditor cross the road?
Because she looked in the file and that's what they did last year.
What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?
Depreciation.
Define an extroverted accountant
One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.
What does an accountant do for birth control?
She talks about her business.
An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.
A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.
A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles Darwin)
A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)
An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.
An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)
A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)
A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
A woman walked up to the manager of a department store.
"Are you hiring any help?" she asked.
"No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."
"Then would you mind getting someone to serve me?" she asked.
A sales executive, tired of her job, gave it up to become a police officer.
Several months later, a friend asked her how she liked her new role.
"Well," she replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."
If at first you don't succeed, try management.
A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
The etymology of the word politics
Poli = Latin for many
tics = blood sucking insects
Capitalism is the exploitation of one man by another.
Communism is the opposite.
A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.