Career humour

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Engineers

  • What is the definition of an engineer?

    • Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had, in a way you don't understand.

  • When does a person decide to become an engineer?

  • When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to be an undertaker.

  • How do you drive an engineer completely insane?

  • Tie her to a chair, stand in front of her, and fold up a road map the wrong way.

  • How can you tell an extroverted engineer?

  • When she talks to you, he looks at your shoes instead of her own.

  • What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

  • Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

Accountants

  • Why did the auditor cross the road?

  • Because she looked in the file and that's what they did last year.

  • What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don't?

  • Depreciation.

  • Define an extroverted accountant

  • One who looks at your shoes while he's talking to you instead of his own.

  • What does an accountant do for birth control?

  • She talks about her business.

  • An accountant is someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Mathematicians

  • A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

  • A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles Darwin)

  • A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut.

Bankers

  • A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

Economists

  • An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

Actuaries

  • An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter)

Law

  • A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." (Franz Kafka)

Computing

  • A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

Sales

  • A woman walked up to the manager of a department store.

  • "Are you hiring any help?" she asked.

  • "No," he said. "We already have all the staff we need."

  • "Then would you mind getting someone to serve me?" she asked.

  • A sales executive, tired of her job, gave it up to become a police officer.

  • Several months later, a friend asked her how she liked her new role.

    • "Well," she replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

Management

    • If at first you don't succeed, try management.

Consultancy

  • A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

Politics

  • A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

  • The etymology of the word politics

  • Poli = Latin for many

  • tics = blood sucking insects

  • Capitalism is the exploitation of one man by another.

  • Communism is the opposite.

Others

  • A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

  • A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.