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Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.
Popular Mechanics Magazine (1949)

Now you wear more computing power on your wrist than NASA had available for the whole Apollo project.

The problem with the Internet is that you cannot always rely on it being accurate.
Winston Churchill 1945

Arguably the first computer programmer was a woman: Ada Lovelace wrote the first algorithm intended to be processed on a machine and has a computer programming language - ADA - named after her. The first "computers" were also mainly women - the name computer was given to people who calculated by hand the astronomical tables used by ship navigators to find their position in the early 19th century and these were invariably female.

Grace Hopper

"To me programming is more than an important practical art. It is also a gigantic undertaking in the foundations of knowledge." Grace Hopper

Grace Hopper helped to develop an early computer language, invented the compiler making possible higher level computer languages, and helped to define the design of the programming language COBOL. Grace retired from the US Navy after gaining the rank of Rear Admiral.

In Computer Heaven

The management is from Intel, the design and construction is done by Apple, the marketing is done by Microsoft, IBM provides the support and Dell determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell

The management is from Apple, Microsoft does design and construction, IBM handles the marketing, the support is from Dell and Intel sets the price.

The ID ten T Error

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Debbie, the 11-year-old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked her to come over.

Debbie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

As she was walking away, I called after her, 'So, what was wrong?'

She replied, 'It was an ID- ten -T - error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Debbie grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?'

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' she said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote it down: I D 1 0 T

The three engineers

There were three engineers in a car: an electronic engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer.

Suddenly the car just stopped by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong.

The electronic engineer suggested stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where the fault might have occurred.

The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that perhaps the fuel was becoming emulsified and causing a blockage somewhere.

Then, the Microsoft engineer, came up with a suggestion, “Why don’t we close all the Windows, get out, get back in, open the Windows again, and maybe it’ll work?”

Trying to set a password - we've all been there

WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.

USER: cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

USER: boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

USER: 1 boiled cabbage

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

USER: 50bloodyboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one uppercase character.

USER: 50BLOODYboiledcabbages

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

USER: 50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

USER: ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow

WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.

Computer users

Users: collective term for those who use computers. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.

Novice Users: people who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.

Intermediate Users: people who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.

Expert Users: people who break other people's computers.

The customer from hell - true story

Helpdesk: 'How can I help you today, ma’am?'

Client: 'Is e-mail internet?'

Helpdesk: 'I beg your pardon?'

Client: 'Is e-mail on the internet? I have no internet, can I still read my e-mail?'

Helpdesk: 'Well yes, you must be able to get online to view your e-mail.'

Client: 'Oh, dear. I can’t see my e-mail.'

Helpdesk: 'Well, let’s see. Can you open up Internet Explorer for me and tell me what you see?'

Client: 'Open what?'

Helpdesk: 'Your browser, can you open up your browser?'

Client: 'My…my…?'

Helpdesk: 'What you click on when you want to browse the internet?'

Client: 'I don’t use anything, I just turn my computer on, and it’s there.'

Helpdesk: 'Okay. Do you see the little blue ‘e’ icon on your desktop?'

Client: 'You mean I have to start writing letters again?'

Helpdesk: 'I’m…what, I’m sorry?'

Client: 'I don’t have any pens at my desk. I just want my e-mail again.'

Helpdesk: 'No, ma’am, your desktop, on your computer screen. Can you click on the little blue ‘e’ on your computer screen for me?'

Client: 'Oh, this is too much work. I’m too upset. Just send me my e-mail. Can’t you send me my e-mail?'

Helpdesk: 'We…okay, ma’am. Can you tell me what color the lights are on your router right now?'

Client: 'My what?'

Helpdesk: 'The little box with green or possibly a couple of red lights on it right now - it’s most likely near your computer?'

Client: 'Lights and boxes, boxes and lights, just get my e-mail for me.'

Helpdesk: 'My test is showing that you should be able to get online right now. Can you tell me what you’re seeing on your computer screen?'

Client: 'It’s been the same thing for the last two hours.'

Helpdesk: 'An error message?'Client: 'No, just stars. It’s black and moving stars.'Helpdesk: '…Do you see your mouse next to your keyboard?'Client: 'Yes.'Helpdesk: 'Move it for me.'

Client: 'Move it?'

Helpdesk: 'Yes. Move it.'

Client: 'My e-mail!'

Another customer from Hell

Helpdesk: Double click on "My Computer"

User: I can't see your computer.

Helpdesk: No, double click on "My Computer" on your computer.

User: Huh?

Helpdesk: There is an icon on your computer labeled "My Computer". Double click on it.

User: What's your computer doing on mine?

Grandma

I finally convinced my grandmother that it was a good idea to learn how to text on her phone.

The next day I was pleased to see her first message to me which read:

"whereisthespacebar?"