So much of the work we do focuses on cultivating insight in order to see things as they really are. However, it is not possible to penetrate to the deepest levels of wisdom without insight being perfectly balanced with the development of compassion. You may find the practices at the end of the discussion of compassion quite transformative.
Please read, absorb and integrate this.
COMPASSION
Compassion is closely aligned with altruistic love. It is the desire to alleviate suffering for all living beings. With compassion our heart naturally quakes in the presence of suffering and we wish to relieve the pain that everyone is experiencing. This way of being in the world ultimately permeates our entire being.
Compassion is not an action but an attitude; it is an attitude of acceptance and gentleness. It is being totally present with what is transpiring; not looking away and denying the depth of the pain and suffering that others are experiencing.
Compassion is characterized by giving of oneself without any expectation of return. It is a fearless gesture of generosity which is free from attachment and personal bias. Compassion is necessarily associated with wisdom and equanimity, or we become part of the suffering that others are experiencing.
True compassion cannot be swayed, even if the individual who is suffering reacts against us because of their pain and confusion. As with loving-kindness, compassion is unlimited in its expression.
There are several psychological obstacles, some quite subtle, to cultivating and expressing compassion. Please read this list and reflect on whether any of these obstacles are present for you. Please look deeply!
1. We offer pre-packaged advice – having previously decided the way to be compassionate, we do not take into account what the other person’s real needs are in the present moment.
2. We ignore the objections of the person we are trying to help – we act as a “compassion bulldozer,” being more interested in the project of helping than in the person we are trying to help. When our help is rejected, we becomes indignant and say or think something to the effect of, “What’s your problem – I was only trying to help?”
3. We use compassion to bolster our personal identity – this one is similar to the obstacle just listed. In this case we are attached to the idea of being a compassionate person; this is what we are “known for.” Our own image matters most; we want to be seen as “knights in shining armor, saving others from distress.” Each person we save adds another notch to our reputation. Those who cannot be saved are a threat to our ambition. In this case we need people to need us!
4. We avoid real connections – this is the attitude of “do something quick and get out.” These individuals are afraid to be touched by the pain of the other person. They want to help without true human contact. The people we help are invisible to us. We miss the cues of what is really needed.
5. We maintain preconceived notions of how we should feel – If we do not feel upset, sad, or the way we think we should feel while being with someone who is suffering, we feel guilty. Due to the guilty feelings we paradoxically begin to resent the people we are trying to help.
6. We foster an attitude of heaviness – we create a solemn and sometimes religious atmosphere around the person who needs care. Everything is hushed and quiet. We try to manipulate the tone of the environment. We want to make sure everyone is aware of the significance of the occasion. We try to keep a lid on everyone’s behavior and the atmosphere is stifling. We take ourselves very seriously, there is no humor, and we become attached to our own importance.
From Shabkar Tsokdruk Rangdrol:
Now I have some heart-advice to give you: a sky needs a sun, a mother needs a child, and a bird needs two wings. Likewise, emptiness alone is not enough. You need to have great compassion for all beings who have not realized this emptiness – enemies, friends, and strangers. You need to have compassion that makes no distinctions between good and bad. You must understand that compassion arises through meditation, not simply from waiting, thinking that it may come forth, by itself, from emptiness.
The same number of years you spent meditating on emptiness, you should now spend meditating day and night on compassion, a compassion a hundred times stronger than that of a mother for a child burnt in a fire; an unbearably intense compassion that arises when thinking about the suffering of sentient beings.
Once such compassion is born, you must practice until you come to think, with fierce energy, “Until enlightenment, I shall do whatever is possible to benefit all beings, not omitting a single one, no matter what evil actions they commit, and no matter what difficulties I must endure.
There are several practices that support the arising of compassion. The results of the practices are not only an open heart, but a deepening of our sense of presence.
From Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche:
When I began to practice meditation on compassion, I found that my sense of isolation began to diminish, while at the same time my sense of personal empowerment began to grow. Where once I saw only problems, I started to see solutions. Where once I viewed my own happiness as more important than the happiness of others, I began to see the well-being of others as the foundation of my own peace of mind.
Please practice the five compassion meditations that follow, each one for two days. The overall practice (which is divided into five meditations) is known as: “Exchanging Self with Others.”
1. Equalizing Oneself with Others
First, we need to recognize that when we think of “myself,” it typically carries greater importance than when we think of “others.”
Whatever concerns us becomes more significant (e.g., whether related to our body, our thoughts, our family, our possessions, and so forth), than the same things that are related to or are happening to “others.”
This illustrates that we do not regard self and others as equal. We esteem ourselves much more than we care for others. We need to correct this discrepancy.
Why is it really the case that our happiness and our avoidance of suffering is more important to us than anyone else’s?
Only because of the illusion of self – I, me and mine!
And the intensity of our suffering is completely dependent on the intensity of our clinging to this deeply held illusion.
Without this illusion we would realize that striving for happiness and the avoidance of suffering are the same for everyone.
Can you really and truly see that?
Everything and everyone are interdependent. When we do not take care of one another I suffer, you suffer, and the whole world suffers.
For the next two days, please look beyond the illusion of self and keep equalizing yourself with others. Recognize the universal compassion that arises as an outcome.
2. The Disadvantages of Cherishing Oneself
A verse from “The Way of the Bodhisattva” says:
All the suffering in the world comes from the desire for one’s own happiness.
All the joy in the world comes from the desire for the happiness of others.
All the problems and suffering that we experience in our lives, and all the problems and suffering that exists in the world, comes from each of us placing ourselves and the things with which we identify, first in our minds and lives (e.g., our comfort, our family, our country, and so forth).
Because of our self-cherishing we overeat, overwork, we become jealous, envious, and competitive. We believe that me and mine are the most important things in the world.
Can you see how this view creates separation, division and conflict in all our lives?
For the next two days, please deeply consider the disadvantages of cherishing oneself.
3. The Advantages of Cherishing Others
The greatest joys in life come from selfless giving. Cherishing others, paradoxically, creates a profound sense of personal fulfillment.
By cherishing others we automatically give up killing, stealing and all forms of unskillful actions.
Consider the reputations and works of those who have cherished others before themselves such as the Buddha, Mother Theresa, the Dalai Lama and Jesus.
Once a yogi said “By cherishing others I have lost three things which others regard as important: ignorance, desire and aversion!”
One way to support the cherishing of others is to consider the kindness and support you have received throughout your life. Your parents fed you, changed your dirty diapers, took care of you when you became ill and taught you how to act in the world.
So many people have grown and cooked the food you have eaten. It took many individuals to build the place where you live, to produce the clothing you wear, to have taken care of you when you injured your body or became ill, and to provide the means for you to earn a living.
How many teachers, in person and through books, have provided you with an opportunity to learn about the Dharma?
For the next two days, please reflect on the advantages of cherishing others by considering all the support and acts of kindness you have received from others over the years.
4. The Thought of Exchanging Self with Others
This does not mean that we imagine others being in our circumstances and putting ourselves in other people’s shoes!
For the next two days, exchange the mindset that cherishes oneself and ignores others with the mindset that cherishes others and ignores oneself. This needs to be reflected upon and mentally expressed again and again until it becomes a natural habit of mind.
5. The Meditation on Giving and Taking (Tonglen)
Even if you have practiced this meditation in the past, please read the Tonglen explanation and directions here and practice this powerful meditation for the next two days.