Circle 1: Resolution of Past Issues
There are two ways to observe the mind. One way is to examine the mind’s contents such as thoughts, images and emotions. The other way is to observe how the mind works as a process; to observe it contextually. It is the difference between watching a specific program on TV versus understanding how a TV set works to project all the programs we watch.
Looking at the contents of mind can, at times, be helpful. Psychological insights may arise from doing so. We can see how our thoughts and emotions are reflections of those that we have been exposed to while growing up. We can recognize our reactive patterns and work to change some of them.
However, working with the mind’s contents will not free us from the patterns, desires and obsessions that we are noticing. It is similar to beautifying a jail cell. No matter what one does to change the environment, they are still in prison. Similarly, we can change the content of our minds, but we will still be imprisoned by our thought constructs.
When we observe the process of mind, looking at the mind contextually, we are able to break our identification with all thought construction. When that occurs, all the reactive patterns naturally fall away.
However, there may be difficulties in objectively observing the process of mind because of unresolved issues that are present. It is similar to the sport of bungee jumping where after the bungee cord reaches its furthest extent, it snaps the person back to or near to the starting point. When we attempt to observe the mind contextually and have not worked through the issues from our past, we get snapped back to the content level of mind again and again.
The three main issues from the past that need to be resolved to enable us to observe the mind at the more profound contextual level are:
1. Resentment
2. Unresolved Grief
3. Negative Self-Image or Low Self-Esteem
Resentment:
Maintaining resentment towards others is by far the greatest impediment to working with our minds on a deeper level. Resentment acts as a glass ceiling that prevents us from seeing things as they really are.
Resentment is different than anger. Anger arises in the moment when we feel insulted, frustrated or when we don’t get what we want.
Resentment is anger held over time. It may be resentment towards our parents, our children, our current partner, an ex-significant other or towards someone else in our lives. It can even be towards someone who is no longer alive.
A significant difficulty in letting go of our resentment is that we may feel that our resentment is justified. We may have been hurt, betrayed or abandoned by those in whom we placed our trust. We may have been abused physically, sexually, verbally, or emotionally. We may have been made to feel small and worthless.
However, no matter how much pain we experienced at the hands of another, maintaining resentment will not change what occurred and will only hinder our chances for a happy life filled with clarity and peace.
I’ll give you a true example of someone’s sense of justification:
Robert supported his brother Bill while he was out of work until he found a new job. A month later, Robert’s son was in an accident and had a serious injury. He asked his brother Bill to help out during this difficult time. His brother refused saying that he was afraid of losing his new job. Robert said “I’ll never forgive him!”.
Whether or not his brother should have placed his family before his job is not the point. By harboring feelings of resentment towards his brother, he himself becomes the victim of those negative or unskillful mind states.
Resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die!
Resentment is such a pervasive issue. In my teacher’s experience, at least 50% of the people he meets are still dealing with resentment.
Are you?
The key to letting go of our resentment is to cultivate forgiveness. We need to forgive ourselves as well as others whom we feel have hurt us in some significant way.
Many find forgiving difficult because they confuse forgiving with forgetting. We when forgive we let go of the emotional pain that keeps us anchored to the past, but still remember the lessons we learned from the situation we encountered.
Aside from not being able to dis-identify with our emotions and thought constructions, the ultimate cost of resentment is having a closed heart. We are unable to become truly loving individuals when our hearts are filled with resentment. The cost of maintaining resentment is too high for anyone.
Here are some forgiveness contemplations for forgiving others and oneself: Forgiveness Contemplations
Unresolved Grief:
A second issue that can keep us anchored to the past is unresolved grief. We know that grief is an unresolved issue for individuals when they refuse to think about a particular loss because it still brings up such pain and sadness.
Of course it is natural to grieve for our losses, and no one can tell us how long that grief should last. However, there may be times that the grief goes on for many years and actually prevents us from opening to new life experiences and deeper stages of awareness.
One reason that grief may be unresolved is because we have not investigated the symbolic meaning of our losses. We need look at what the loss truly represents. For example, in addition to losing one’s partner, he or she may have lost their best friend, their lover, their nurse, and possibly the only person who truly understood them. People can may sustain grief over the loss of a job or a business. In addition to a lost opportunity for financial gain or creative expression, the grief was based upon losing the way in which they defined themselves in the world.
When we recognize what our losses truly represent, it can help us to complete our grieving process and move on with our lives.
Negative Self-Image or Low Self Esteem:
Another issue related to the past that can be an impediment to seeing deeply into the nature of our minds is having a negative self-image or low self-esteem.
In Tibetan Buddhism they give four reasons why someone cannot see their true nature:
1. Truth is too close to see. (The mind focuses on its content rather than on the process of mind.)
2. It is too profound to realize. (The mind only sees things logically and it is through non-cognitive intuitive insights that we see things clearly)
3. It is too easy to believe. (Beliefs cloud the mind because we tend to believe our own beliefs.)
4. The feeling that we do not deserve to know the truth and be happy. (This is where having a negative self-image comes in)
Most people believe that it is their Behavior that produces the Results they experience in life – B > R. However, it is actually our Self-Image (the ways in which we define ourselves and what we believe we truly deserve) that produces our Behavior and ultimately the Results that we experience – SI > B > R.
For example, if we follow certain teachings and experience positive results but we unconsciously believe that we do not deserve the results that we are experiencing, (i.e., we have a negative self-image or low self-esteem), we will sabotage our behaviors until we no longer experience those positive results. It would create too much anxiety to have more happiness than we believe we deserve.
It is not that we are trying to feel wonderful about ourselves. We just want to avoid becoming identified with any self-defeating thoughts that may arise to our minds. This ability, not to identify with our self-defeating thoughts or emotions, comes about through the mindful awareness of our thoughts. (More on this at a later point in the training.)