Circle 2: Living Skillfully - Effective Communication
We will review four aspects of effective communication:
Honest Speech
As we know, our speech is capable of creating great harmony or intense discord. Since what we say is determined by our thoughts, it takes great awareness and presence of mind to cultivate skillful speech.
The mainstay of skillful speech is honest communication. If we shattered a car’s windshield with a hammer, it would fracture into a thousand pieces. Because of the way it is designed, the windshield would stay intact. If we were to shine a light on the broken windshield, the light would be refracted in as many directions as there were cracks.
Similarly, when our minds are filled with lies or half-truths that we have told others, the wisdom of each moment or the light of truth will be refracted by those deceptions. We may think we got away with not telling the truth, but it always affects us on a very subtle level. We may not be found out by someone else, but those lies will be an impediment in cultivating deeper levels of wisdom.
Speaking Skillfully
The words we speak are a reflection of the thoughts that we think. Our intention is the motivating force behind our communication. We may not always be consciously aware of our intentions.
To help us become more conscious in this regard, avoid speaking if any of the following thoughts are present when the intention to communicate arises:
1. Thoughts indicating the presence of attachment
2. Thoughts indicating the presence of anger
3. Thoughts related to self-importance
4. Thoughts that are focused on the faults of others
5. Thoughts to deceive someone
6. Thoughts related to blaming others
7. Thoughts desiring recognition
8. Thoughts centering on selfishness
9. Thoughts related to impatience
10. Thoughts related to gossiping
The Effect of Gossiping
A study has found that 60% of our conversations are concerned with people who are not present when the conversations have taken place. And most of those conversations are judgmental, which is the essence of gossip.
We gossip for a number of subtle reasons:
1. We try to create personal alliances by dividing others.
2. Gossip attempts to build social bonds because sharing dislikes seems to create stronger bonds than sharing likes.
3. Gossip makes us feel like we are “in the know” and therefore more powerful.
4. Gossip attempts to help people feel normal when they share negative things about people who are different.
5. By putting others down we feel more worthy.
6. Gossip takes the focus off ourselves and onto others.
Of course gossip is different than a “grapevine” where relevant and non-judgmental information is shared informally. Aside from affecting us personally in the same way as telling lies, once gossip has been started, it can never be retrieved. The harm caused by gossip can never be undone.
There was once a man who used to gossip about everyone. One day he went to his spiritual advisor to ask for forgiveness and to atone for all the
gossiping he had done. His teacher told him to take a feather pillow up to the top of a mountain and shake out all the feathers. The man thought, “This is easy”. After he completed the task he went back to his teacher and let him know that he did what he was told. “Now,” the teacher said, “gather up all the feathers that have fallen”. The fellow stood there stunned. “You see,” continued the teacher “once you gossip about someone, you can never take back what was said.”
Listening Skillfully
Think about a time you were really felt listened to. What made the difference? What did the person do or not do that made you feel really “heard?” (Please do consider this.)
There are several keys that make one an effective listener.
1. Listen from the heart – Hear the other person’s thoughts as well as relating to their pain or joy. They are expressing an aspect of the human condition. Allow yourself to be touched by their suffering or happiness.
2. Avoid judging what the other person is communicating - This is the person’s experience, it is not for us to judge whether it is right or wrong or whether we agree or disagree. Listening is about empathy, not judgment.
3. Avoid trying to “fix” the other person’s issue or to change the person with whom you are communicating. (e.g., “Here’s how you can solve that,” “What I would do if I were you,” etc.)
4. While listening, avoid reflecting on your own similar or related issues. Keep focused on what the other person is communicating.
5. Do not interrupt the other person. Your point of view is not more important than what is being said by the person communicating with you.
6. Stay in the present – Do not allow the mind to wander to past or future thoughts that may be triggered by what the other person is saying.
7. Ask for something to be repeated if you lose track of what is being said. Another option is to state what you thought you heard.
8. It is extremely important to allow the silence when the other person stops speaking. It gives the other person time to move more deeply into what they are feeling and to continue with what they are saying. Also, it allows the other person the space to thank you for listening so skillfully.
9. This is key - Every time a judgment, an evaluation, an attempt to fix the problem, a reflection on one’s own issues, or a thought about the past or future arises, allow it to pass from your mind, and then go back to your heart space intently listening to what is being communicated.