entertainment

The McDonaldland Cinematic Universe and the Descent of an Industry

Editor Andrew Castaneda

A circus with a clown. Fresh burgers grown whole from the hamburger fields of the true, magical McDonaldland. Fun, games, a mini Chuck E. Cheese’s. Good food served with a smile - every time.

The golden arches gleam on a hot sunny day in ‘07. Soul by soul and silently, her shining smiles increase. Her ways are ways of gentleness, and all her paths are peace.

But today her faithful heart, her pride, is suffering. We no longer see her armies, we cannot see her king.

McDonald’s isn’t the place it used to be. The humble funhouse and home plate to his honor, Ronald McDonald, is now an architectural monstrosity. A big, black obelisk marred by modern technology and industry. Her shadows melt her gleaming arches and her smiles.

This is a tragedy, but it’s been inevitable. The decline of the industry has been imbedded in her roots from the beginning. McDonald’s held onto her youthful, fun-loving nature for as long as she could, but even the strongest are vulnerable to the sweetly false and uncertain roads of progression and “adapting to a modern audience”

To understand the nature of a disaster, we need to go back. Further than you think.

Ronald McDonald was birthed into existence around the late 1950’s to early 60’s in response to the media craze-inducing and chiefly marketable Bozo the Clown. The first and one of the few authentically known Ronald McDonalds was portrayed by Willard Scott, who later pursued great success and his most well-known work on the Today show

Classically, McDonald’s has been stagnant in their implications that Ronald McDonald is real. Not just a mascot, not people playing the part. He is real.

When pressed for an answer as to how Ronald was able to appear at so many events around the world in the course of one day, McDonald's released a statement, from the clown king of course, saying "If I told you all my secrets, they wouldn't be secrets anymore. Let's just say that between you, me, and Santa, it's magic."

The McDonald’s Corporation has also gone so far as to say their burgers grow whole in the hamburger fields of McDonaldland, a McDonald’s themed metropolitan (but also presumably agrarian) society where the majority of machines and factories are operated by rube goldbergs and the majority of people are food based.

Many commercials, television productions, and even films were based around this mystic idea of a true McDonaldland. Characters were introduced, lessons were taught. Evil Grimace was a four armed purple monster with malicious intentions to steal shakes and sodas from innocent customers, though after a character arc and redemption plotline, he changed his name to just Grimace, and proved himself to be a valuable ally to Team Ronald.

What Grimace taught kids is that despite your natural circumstances, despite upbringing and family name, we all have a right to be good. We can all change for the better. Our free will is our own and we may do whatever we want. We are the only ones holding ourselves out and your friends and loved ones are out there, outside the wall.

The Hamburglar is one of the most recognizable antagonists of the MDCU, though even he has been shown to more of an anti-hero, depending on the story. Ronald McDonald in Scared Silly is a prime example, as the McDonaldland Gang goes camping, bringing with them The Hamburglar, who acted like more of a mischievous friend rather than a genuinely evil thief.

What The Hamburglar taught us is that our love can be unconditional. We can still love a thief. We can love someone who’s wronged us in the past. We can love whoever we want. It may not be easy, banging your heart against some mad bugger’s heart like that, but everybody is deserving of love and friendship. No matter who we are and what we’ve done.

And Ronald... Ronald McDonald always found a way to do good. He would stop at nothing to guarantee the health and mental wellbeing of his beloved kids. In 2013, The McDonald’s Corporation released a commercial about a sad child with a metaphorical raincloud of depression over her head. Ronald, noticing the child is having a bad day, literally manipulates the storm clouds into the sun. Ronald McDonald found a way - he always finds a way, and he did it just for one kid, but we know he would do it for anybody.

It wasn’t always easy for Ronald to do the things he did. Despite his superhuman abilities, he was essentially human, and had flaws like we do. But that’s just the thing - he always overcame his flaws and struggles, and always found a way to do the right thing. He taught us that we are all capable of doing this. And as a static character, he didn’t really undergo any arcs or change too much at all, but that’s not a bad thing. Ronald McDonald taught us that if something is good and real, it’s okay for it to be that way. We don’t have to change it.

Clowns in popular media haven’t been doing too good as of late. The 2016 Killer Clown controversy hit Ronald and the entire MDCU pretty hard. Since then, McDonald’s released statements saying the clown king is laying low, focusing more on internal affairs and his charity organization, the Ronald McDonald House.

But Ronald’s decline came a bit before this. This was simply the nail in a king’s coffin.

Time brings all things to pass. They always say that one must change with the times in order to grow. They thought this applied to Ronald too, but they don’t know him like I do. They didn’t know he was okay where he stood.

They changed him. Gave him new coats and new looks to better fit with modern audiences. They “rehashed” his goals after the sinister “McDonald’s Pink Slime” controversy and malicious Supersize Me films.

It seems as if the McDonald’s Corporation forgot who their own mascot was. They forgot what McDonald’s is all about. The public was under the impression that Ronald was an evil salesman who encouraged obesity and selling poison burgers to children. McDonald’s Corporate believed the whispers in the wind. They sold off the “new and improved” Ronald as a physically fit, fruit juggling, health nut concerned with the health of young children.

I never doubted Ronald McDonald’s intentions weren’t malicious.

Nobody wanted him gone. Especially his beloved children.

In his place now stands “Happy the Lunch Pail,” a Happy Meal based character and the new mascot of the McDonald’s Corporation. He has seemingly zero ties to the McDonaldland Cinematic Universe, and other existing MDCU characters have seemingly gone AWOL.

Grimace hasn’t been heard from since the late 2000’s in a Monsters VS Aliens cameo. The Hamburglar has been said to be living a quiet and peaceful life in the modern day, cooling it down from his life of burger thievery. Maybe he learned a thing or two from Ronald and Grimace.

I don’t care for this Happy fellow. He’s so flawless it’s disgusting.

I see what they’re doing, however. Ronald McDonald was bound by his human form, and so he could be corrupted. Even the best of us. Nobody can corrupt a lunch pail.

But because Happy has no flaws, no personality, I cannot connect with him. I hate him. How DARE he stand where he stood?

And there's another country, I've heard of long ago,

Most dear to them that love her, most great to them that know;

We may not count her armies, we may not see her King;

Her fortress is a faithful heart, her pride is suffering;

And soul by soul and silently her shining bounds increase,

And her ways are ways of gentleness, and all her paths are peace.