One of the most valuable parts of acquiring a Brown education is becoming a lifelong member of the Brown community. As volunteer leaders, you are the glue that holds together the communities through which Brown alumni find a sense of belonging and connection back to each other and College Hill. Sometimes, this involves having the courage to address complexity head-on by engaging in difficult conversations as issues arise to maintain social cohesion and preserve those community spaces for all.

The Alumni Belonging Program within the Office of Alumni Relations is focused on developing community-building tools, training, and resources to help volunteer community leaders strengthen alumni communities and foster a greater sense of belonging for community members. This guide is designed to help you navigate challenging conversations with fellow community members, as open dialogue on complex topics is an important part of the learning experience for Brown alumni, just as it is for students, faculty, and staff on campus. This guidance includes best practices and strategies rooted in empirical research from the fields of Communication Studies and Conflict Management.

Introduction

As Brown alumni, we can rely on some of the core values we share as Brunonians when engaging each other in dialogue: compassion, collaboration, social responsibility, integrity, curiosity, inclusion, and intellectual rigor. At the same time, it is important to acknowledge the vast array of identities, lived experiences, and historical frames of reference that can often drive differences of opinion and communication behaviors, especially regarding our political and social perspectives across generations. While as volunteer leaders, we should always strive to be as inclusive of others as possible, we will not be able to reach everyone at all times. How can we ensure that the foundation for engaging with fellow alumni allows multiple perspectives to be considered while maintaining a strong sense of community?

It is important first to acknowledge how uncomfortable it can feel to navigate a complicated situation or address conflict. It is human nature to want to ignore the situation in hopes that it will simply go away. Despite the inclination to ignore, it is important to remember that as a community leader, your peers and constituents expect an opportunity to engage with you and express their perspectives. Making the time to listen to them will help them feel valued and like they belong in your community. Not only that, but when an alum makes time to talk to you, it indicates that they care deeply about your community and are willing to invest time into helping it develop. Listening to your constituents allows you to learn something new, consider new perspectives, and grow as a leader. 

While we want volunteer leaders to remain open to navigating complex conversations with their constituents, we encourage you to contact your staff liaison. Your staff liaison can offer advice about how to address various situations, provide direct support, or elevate the situation to organizational leadership if warranted. 

Conversations about identity

Some of the most difficult conversations that alumni volunteer leaders engage in are often connected to individuals’ sense of identity and belonging to their particular community. In these situations, it is important to keep in mind the historical context in which communities have operated, where fostering a sense of belonging for everyone has not always been the priority. Nowadays, even well-intended, diverse boards of volunteer leaders cannot account for the wide breadth of perspectives that make up their communities. 

Because there are myriad differences in lived experiences represented in your community, attempting to understand individuals’ points of view, histories, and how they are situated in this world will help these conversations progress in a way that builds trust for everyone involved. We encourage you to approach these conversations with heightened care and sensitivity and to give yourself enough time to prepare to thoughtfully and intentionally engage with the other person. 

The Office of Alumni Relations has developed resources to help our alumni volunteer leaders build inclusive communities that foster a sense of belonging for all Brunonians. For example, see this resource for guidance on how to intentionally incorporate diversity, equity, and inclusion practices into your event planning practices. 

A note about trust

Individuals are more likely to engage openly and disclose vulnerably in difficult conversations when a culture of trust already exists within your community. If that culture of trust does not exist, it is essential to start building it. 

You can begin building this culture of trust by developing a statement of community values. Identifying core community values can help community leaders define and shape a community experience that fosters belonging across the diversity of members' identities, lived experiences, and interests. Please see this resource for guidance on how to facilitate this process within your boards and communities. 

Navigating Difficult Interpersonal Dialogue: A Step-by-Step Guide

When we encounter a complex situation, simply anticipating the need to engage in conversation can make us want to run for the hills (and not College Hill). It is natural for individuals to want to avoid conversations that we expect to be uncomfortable, especially when there is fear of the repercussions. However, there are great costs to conflict-avoidance and the temporary sense of safety and calm it brings. We encourage you, as volunteer community leaders, to reflect on what you stand to lose from avoiding a difficult conversation – such as strained relationships, broken reputability, or a loss of communal trust and sense of belonging. Also, avoiding certain conversations can keep you from learning different perspectives and acquiring new insights and tools that might enrich your community’s experience. 

If you are unsure how to proceed when faced with the option to engage in a difficult dialogue with a peer or community member, we encourage you to seek support from your staff liaisons. Below is guidance on preparing to begin, engage in, and follow up on a difficult conversation. Importantly, this guide recommends engaging in difficult conversations in person or via video conference (e.g., Zoom) rather than through written communication like instant messaging or emails to promote a more effective and constructive dialogue.

Before the conversation begins

Mentally prepare yourself for the conversation. Reflect on the issue at hand, your and the other person’s concerns, and your position on the matter. Consult with a trusted peer who can help you view the issue from a different perspective — ask them to play devil’s advocate. Consider your stance as your interpretation, which is on a spectrum of alternative explanations, and be prepared to weigh other options fairly. Consider how you and the other person are positioned in relation to each other within a larger social context, and be mindful of power dynamics. Ask yourself if you are making assumptions, assigning premature attributes or stereotypes, or jumping to conclusions that may impede your ability to hear the other person’s point of view. Many issues are more complex than they may appear at first glance. We encourage members of our community to engage thoughtfully, exploring issues both independently and through meaningful conversations with others.

Commit to maintaining an attitude of curiosity. Your first conversation goal should be understanding the other person’s perspective. Your second goal should be to be understood. Recognize that your position might change as the conversation evolves, and allow yourself to be impacted by the other person’s experiences and perspectives. It is fair to expect the other person to uphold the same openness. Remember: The goal of dialogue across differences isn't always to reach consensus, as agreement may not always be possible. Instead, it's about fostering deeper understanding and building empathy.

Physically prepare yourself for the conversation. Whenever possible, block off some time on your calendar before the conversation (15-30 minutes). Use this time to set up your environment most conducive to the conversation. Visualize yourself having a successful conversation with the person. Ensure your biological needs are met (i.e., eat, drink water, go to the restroom, shake off the nerves, etc.) to reduce interruptions and give your body the best opportunity to stay present in the conversation. Reserve some time on your calendar immediately after the conversation to sit and decompress, go for a walk, or take notes about what happened. 

Do not engage if you feel angry. Take a few deep breaths and ground yourself in the desire to move through the conflict and get to the other side. If you are not in the right mindset, consider asking the other person if they would not mind rescheduling.  

Practice self-care and set boundaries. Just because you are an alumni volunteer leader does not mean you need to subject yourself to treatment or communication that may feel disrespectful or dehumanizing. If the situation with a fellow alum feels overwhelming, lean on your staff liaison, who is always available for thought-partnership and to provide navigational and institutional support when needed.

Starting the conversation

Frame the conversation around shared goals. Pleasantly start the interaction and be straightforward about your goals for the conversation. Ask the other person if they agree with those goals. Lean on “I statements” when sharing your perspective, and use “we” when referring to shared goals. This strategy helps to alleviate possible tension by distancing the issue from the person. Creating this distinction helps you and the other person feel like you are teaming up to address an issue that is deterring your ability to work together rather than in conflict. 

Set ground rules. Before you delve into the issue, acknowledge that this might be a difficult conversation and commit to prioritizing mutual respect in your communication. Ask the other person what would help them feel more comfortable engaging in dialogue. Build these ground rules together to build trust. Some examples of ground rules include listening to understand, avoiding interrupting the other person, keeping an open mind and leaning into curiosity, using I statements, and challenging ideas, not each other. 

During the conversation

Protect each other’s face. Our “face” is our desired public image. As human beings, we do not want to face embarrassment and go to great lengths to protect our image. As  Brown alumni, we want to maintain our reputability within our communities. As the conversation evolves, keep in mind these core human “face” needs: we want to be liked and accepted (fellowship face), respected and acknowledged for our abilities and intelligence (competence face), and not feel imposed upon (autonomy face). Do your best to attend to and avoid threatening these “face” needs during the conversation by following some of the best practices outlined below. 

Engage in active listening. Simply listening attentively to the other person might be enough to defuse any existing anger or tension. Allow the other person to share their perspective and focus on listening for both feelings and content. Let the person finish before you speak. Consider paraphrasing what they shared before you share your perspective to show the other person you paid attention to them. Allow them the opportunity to clarify any part of your interpretation and ask open-ended questions to continue to expand on your understanding. As you engage in more of a two-way conversation, be attentive to emerging ideas and problem-solving opportunities.

Embody empathy and compassion. Think about when you feel most listened to and attempt to mimic that with your nonverbals. Give culturally appropriate verbal and non-verbal feedback as the person shares to demonstrate you are listening. In the U.S., non-verbal cues such as maintaining eye contact, nodding your head, and verbal affirmations like “I can see how frustrating this is for you” can help the other person feel like you care about what they share with you. Be mindful not to read into the other person’s nonverbal cues if they are not reciprocated, as not everyone communicates in the same manner. 

Whatever you do, acknowledge the concern first. Most people want to feel heard, even if the original outcome does not change. After you’ve listened to them, acknowledge their concern and validate their feelings about it, even if you sincerely disagree with their position on the issue or why they feel about it the way they do. After acknowledging their concern, consider what you stand to gain or lose from explaining the rationale behind the decision that prompted their concern. Then, decide whether sharing your rationale would help or hinder the conversation from moving forward. 

Always assume positive intent. People often do not intend to hurt us despite what we may feel while engaging in a difficult conversation. Assuming positive intent refers to the process by which we give the other person the benefit of the doubt. It also requires an intentional choice to reject the impulse to judge the other person negatively based on what they are sharing. When we assume positive intent, it also helps build trust in the interaction and maintain positivity in the conversation. 

Be open to surprising perspectives. Often, without realizing it, we assume that those who share many of our views will also agree with us on everything. As we foster honest dialogue, we recognize that even people with similar values may not always see eye to eye. We encourage you to sit with possible discomfort and accept that cognitive dissonance is a necessary part of engaging in genuine, open conversation. 

Focus on the person over their position. When we conflict with another person, our natural tendency can be to focus on the part where there is strong disagreement and defend our position. By doing so, we overlook the fact that the opposing view is being expressed by a person with a variety of identities, experiences, and perspectives — and that this single conflicting idea is just one perspective that they hold that does not define the entirety of who they are. Even when there are drastically different points of view, we often have more shared ground than what might seem immediately evident. The challenge then becomes to choose to amplify whatever shared ground exists and express agreement where you can instead of doubling down on the parts where you disagree. When one of the people involved in conflict chooses to lean into what is shared instead of what is opposing, it sets a collaborative tone that can work to disarm the other person, allow both parties to be impacted by each other’s perspectives, and help to de-escalate the issue. 

Respond rather than react. If you do not resonate with something or feel defensive in response to something the other person said, pause and take a deep breath. Try not to focus on the words but on the meaning behind them. What was the person trying to express? Why might you be feeling defensive? When we go through this process of listening, wondering, reflecting, and then choosing a response during dialogue, we are more likely to have a productive conversation. Try your best not to take whatever is being expressed personally.

Affirm their value as a member of your community. When a fellow alum takes time out of their day to talk to you about something they are uncomfortable with or give you critical feedback about your group’s engagement, they are choosing to be in community with you. Their message may be filled with anger and frustration because they have a deep sense of connection with your community, making it hard for you to empathize or listen to the idea they are trying to communicate. However, even if this is the case, remember that they chose to talk to you; they wouldn’t engage with you if this community wasn’t deeply important to them. Therefore, try to keep this in mind throughout your discussion, and in closing the discussion, thank the other person for the time they are willing to invest into developing this community, even if you are fundamentally at odds in the particular matter at the end of the conversation. You can express something like, “Thank you for coming to me with this” or “Thank you for being in community with us as we navigate this complex issue.”

Suppose the conversation takes a turn. If you feel like the other person does not have good intentions and there is still no resolution in sight after several attempts at negotiating, interrupt the conversation and offer to reschedule later. You can say, “I don’t think we understand each other. I would like to propose that we take a pause and resume this conversation at a later time. Is that okay with you?” Immediately after the conversation, connect with your staff liaison for guidance on how to move forward. 

After the conversation 

Document. Consider spending a few minutes after the conversation taking notes about what happened. Summarize what prompted the conversation and document a timeline of in-person or virtual interactions leading up to the conversation. Reflect on moments that stood out to you during the conversation as important takeaways or turning points, note any clarified misunderstandings, and explain how the conversation ended. Make sure to include any promises made to follow up on the issue. 

Thank the other person. If appropriate, send the person a note to thank them for their time and for hearing you out. Express hope for the future and reiterate any promises or commitments you made about the next steps, even if that simply means a commitment to continue the conversation and keep lines of communication open.