I carved my New Year’s resolution into my skin

Like the signage of a punishment

I deserve nothing but to stick to my word

I won't agree with in a year

And let it scar all ugly as a reminder

That this door was never worth walking through

Yet every time I see the rotten frame

Smell sulfur in the air surrounding

Feel moss screaming under my footsteps leading up

My body begging me to walk through

I just can’t get enough

Before going through

I'll see silhouettes on the other side

And one of them cocks their head at me

Like they’re you

And I'll think it’s you

And I'll drop everything

Forget my carven scars, the jack o'lantern I am

And walk through

I hate January

I hate how it lured me all the way here

I hate the cold and that you’re not here

On my side of the door

I hate calling it “my” side of the door

January is vicious on me

After being begged to survive another year

It’s grim and macabre here on “my” side

Inspiring me to be the carnivore you beg me to be

On survival instincts alone

So, I survive January and all its decaying frames that follow

Though I keep walking through these bear traps

And scabbing over for the chance to see a familiar silhouette again

I cannot get enough

Jabbing my ballpoint pink pen into my skin

Filling myself with more words

That imitate thoughts I should have

New Year’s lessons I should have learned by now

But there is nothing familiar

And opening doors is hard when you can't find the knob

Or identify the kind of wood

Opening doors is hard when you don't know anything