Fall 2021

Together under the moonlight

Dancing side by side.

Oh how the moonlight

Makes you shine

And your eyes filled with

The stars shining up above.

Under the moonlight

With the famous words of Sinatra

“Fly me to the moon…”

Drowning others out

To where it is only

Me and You dancing

Under the moonlight

Lost in time

I thank God everyday

For us two.

It is time to start again. 

My Determination has prevailed against my fear. 

I have left my past behind. 

My high school scars, 

Scars that were always raw, always with me, 

Have begun to heal. 

The voice of self-doubt that made me feel 

Worthless, hopeless, unworthy, 

That voice has been silenced. 

The decision to change has been made. 

A physical transformation has occurred, 

One hundred twenty pounds, to be exact.

The desire for knowledge lost to time is here. 

My mind is like a dry sponge. 

A passion finally pursued. 

A new path is built. 

A chance to reinvent myself. 

Today I decided to go back, 

Back to a place where before caused great pain

But this time, I will be in control. 

I will be successful. 

The beginning of my new life, 

The life that I have yearned for will be mine.

The plan has been laid out. 

This is my new start at college… 

And here we are in the middle. 

Somehow, I have made it this far.

Each day brings a new success.

My mind eases: It’s really happening.

I’m halfway there. I almost see the end.

But what if… ah, yes… there it is.

The familiar feeling, how are you?

Have you missed me? I almost thought  

you forgot about me. You look the same.

Just as I start to look up in pride

Self-doubt is here to weigh my eyes.  

I continue to creep forward, terrified

That failure is around the corner.

My scars start to sting again. 

I will myself to keep moving.

My accomplishments are my armor.

My future is my sword…

Whew! That was close.

I almost threw in the towel

But look at me, I’m a senior now.

I’m preparing for my big finish.

My Grand finale. 

I can’t wait until I am on that stage. 

A stage that I thought I would never stand on. 

A stage that I thought was too grand for me. 

I realize now what happened.

Way back when. 

I didn’t choose me. I chose others.

I chose to listen to others. 

I became what they saw.

I never really knew myself 

Because I was busy being told

Who I was. What my worth was.

Not anymore. My name is Keith. 

I am about to graduate from college 

and become a teacher. 

They just called my name.

As I walk across the stage, 

I look out at the crowd and…

I see my old friend

Self-doubt sitting alone.

As I glide across the stage

And everyone cheers 

I figured that self-doubt

would start to jeer. 

We make eye contact and…

Nothing. A blank stare. 

I grab my diploma. 

He must not recognize me. 

I am halfway through this chapter, located in the middle of the book, which is my senior year. Due dates loom over me like a dark storm cloud, and assignments are pouring down like a monsoon. My fingers are tired and sore from typing thousands of words that I hope sound good together. The amount of reading material is rising halfway to my knees. As I wade through the books, I hear Christmas music in the background - a sound that brings the type of fear that only a retail worker can appreciate. The middle of the semester. The middle is a time where the temptation to “lose focus” is calling my name like a piece of chocolate cake. Procrastination comes along to help ease my burden in this battle, although it might cost me the war. I think of the end a lot in the middle. It is the end that keeps me wading through. Past the darkness, I can see what the fruit of my efforts will be. The middle is a time for questions. Am I going to succeed? What if I fail? Is it really worth it? This is the longest part of the chapter. This is the longest part of the storm. 

I woke up from a deep slumber 

A knock on my bedroom door

4 am

My mom telling me the news

I started to hear the screams

From my family members in the next room over

Awakened from my dreams 

But this was not just a bad dream.

The life I knew before was gone,

And July was no longer a time for laughs and smiles

We would remember this instead of family vacations.

My niece and nephew with big smiles on their faces 

When they come out of the car to see us

No idea how their lives had flipped around.

Trying to see the light in every day 

No one knew the right words to say

And all that is left is a broken family

Why would you leave if you knew

That would be our last normal summer. 

Time passing at the speed of light

Just yesterday I feel like I said goodbye

Best friends, family and boyfriend crying as I pull away

Starting the next chapter of my life.

It has been almost 2 months, 

Haven’t seen my best friend in so long.

Seeing my boyfriend every 4 weeks,

Only seeing my parents at games,

Counting down the days till break.

49 days till break.

Seems so far

But it really isn’t far.

Being at school for 2 months

Seems like yesterday my new life was starting

New friends, 

New teammates,

New everything.

Time passing so fast,

Can’t even realize what is happening

Soccer season almost done

Mid-terms approaching,

I thought I just started yesterday...

Once upon a midnight blue, I heard a calling to a kingdom of color

In this kingdom full of color, the birds flutter in streaks of olive, garnet, and rouge. 

The trees stand bold against the sky in this kingdom of color, with pops of bright canary, plum, cerulean.

The water, crisper than a mirror, fresher than a melon, brighter than heaven, it’s a force to be reckoned with, 

The castle in this kingdom of color is beaming and boastful with its tall turrets and screaming vividness. 

It’s flushed flamingo stone absorbs the strength of the breeze and squeezes its power from the sky. 

It stands against the sun, this castle of color, radiating its beauty to the point where I’m afraid nothing can compare⸺

⸺I awoke in a room not of the kingdom of color

Instead, I’m flung into the burnt blackness of the room; the darkness is of the color of soot and sable  

A mere dream. Nothing more, nothing less. 

I should’ve known nothing in this reality could ever compare to the kingdom of color.

An autumn sunset breathes down my back, 

It seeps its way into the trees,

It dyes the leaves

It crisps the breeze, 

Nature is bathed in autumn’s colors as she whispers her broad strokes throughout the land, 

Her hands are stained with hues of merigold, bronze, crimson, and shimmery golds. 

She’s clothed head to toe in different shades of marmalade and sandstone, or so I’m told. 

Her hair flows in veils down her back in warm uncontrolled amber waves that never stay tame; even in the direst of extremes. 

An autumn sunset breathes down my back, 

Autumn drives the warmth of summer away with expertise, 

She pushes the pristine salty ocean beaches into a distant memory with ease,

until there’s nothing except a memory for dreams.

The world may hear me, but never believe my words

A judge stands before us, I scream and plead

They don’t hear me, they only hear him

Cassandra, beautiful, blessed, and cursed.

My gut hurts, I tell them I don’t want to go

They drag me along, hiding in the crowd

The ringing of the gunfire is the only thing I hear

Cassandra, beautiful, blessed, and cursed.

My hand shakes at the doorknob

He’s there watching my every move

I call help, he lies and they believe

Cassandra, beautiful, blessed, and cursed.

An empty field around

No one comes near, I stay away

The air fills me, I am free

Empty field, but the sky is never empty

I fall to the grass, nature envelopes my senses

I reach for a star wanting to make a wish

My dreams envelop me just like nature once did

Soon I’m floating almost there, almost able to wish

But they begin to disappear, reality wakes me up

The sun comes up and the stars disappear

So I close my eyes, letting the dreams fall asleep

And I hold my wish deep in my heart.

There are days when I wish to spit on your name.

Write it in pen and ink, 

Carelessly

Scrawled

Because I’d vowed to forget how you’d taught me to write neatly

I want to place it between my boots

Step on it

Bury it

Burn it

Anything to erase it from the paper, erase it from time

But most days

I know I cannot just get rid of you.

You ruffle my hair in a certain way

A well-placed hand on my shoulder, a proud gaze

The twinkle in your eye that’s meant for only you and me to understand.

You’re different

I couldn’t pinpoint in what way

Until I noticed the new venom in your voice

The way you wring your hands more

You have the same laugh but it’s wrong,

Like it's constantly missing something.

You see,

I cannot spit on your name

When it holds too many memories

Too many hugs, too many inside jokes

You’ll yell at me, and then apologize.

You grow frustrated with me, but we work things out.

Our mechanics are different

But our minds are still the same

“Brothers!” our friends once said of us.

And I agreed. I still want to agree.

But when I look in your eye to search for the spark

That once made me believe that we were destined for greatness, together,

I can’t find it.

I hope it’s just hiding,

And not gone.

There’s a crater in this land where my heart used to be.

I gaze down into it, clutching my palms

White knuckled

Nothing else to hold onto.

The suit sleeves are too long

They said I’d grow into it, but I never did.

I trace the scars on my cheek and ponder if this was ever worth it.

I have attachments to pain

A love for clinging to what’s left until I’m dangling over the cliff

Scuffing my boots against the walls.

I always hang on

Staring upwards at the thing I’m fumbling for, smiling in the face of its ugly maw

Tears on my face, arms open for an embrace.

This place used to hold such joy.

The camaraderie.

The safety.

A fleeting glimpse of belonging.

Now, not even the rolling hills I used to love can move me.

It just feels cold here.

I am following the waterfall down into the pit,

Tracing its path with my fingertips down to the heart of my suffering

Surely my time here wasn’t wasted.

Did I play my part well while it lasted?

In my nightmares, I still taste gunpowder on my tongue

And I see the blinding lights stain my retinas. 

There’s so much red…

When was there so much red?

“I still see it, you know.”

You weren’t there.

You don’t reply.

“Every night, when I close my eyes.”

Turn away.

Sometimes,

I feel like I knew you

In a past life

I look in your eyes

And see a part of myself there

I take your hands in mine

And I’ve never felt like our energy has been separate.

It’s always been whole,

Mingled,

One.

We promised we’d never keep secrets from one another.

And with the knowledge of your past

And all the ghosts remaining there

I knew why you needed that promise to be kept.

I have my fair share of apparitions

Prying at my shoulders with bony fingers

And hissing icy threats into my ears.

I hope you understand that in order to keep you safe

I must keep some secrets to myself.

I think you already know this

In the way that you never told me what happened

The day that you got your scars

And learned to fear small spaces.

You, too, were afraid of burning those you love.

I understand.

I cannot tell you what I’ve done.

Not just because I physically can’t, 

But because telling you

Would do the opposite of what I’ve sworn to do.

Protect you.

Protect our son.

Protect my home.

Why would I threaten our happiness

When this secret could be mine to bear alone?

Trust me

You don’t want to know

What my ghosts whisper to me 

While you sleep.

Just close your eyes, beloved.

I promise you can trust me

To handle the skeletons in my closet.

I bolted the door a long time ago.

If you needed help, 

You always could have asked for it.

Ever since you were little

You were always so independent

Convinced that you could handle everything on your own

Without help from me

Or your brothers.

Always off on an adventure

Always singing your own tune

Songbird,

You could never stand to be silenced.

I’m so sorry

That I never saw the signs

Of your descent.

Never saw the trail of feathers

Leading from the coop.

Your letters to me spoke of great plans

Exciting plans

And I never read between the lines

To understand that it was all a lie

To make sure I wouldn’t worry.

Why didn’t you ask for help?

Why did you wait until I found you 

Kneeling before your demise

And knew it was too late?

You’re my son.

How could you ask me

To silence 

A songbird

When its tune had always been so sweet?

As soon as you spoke

Your pitch was all wrong

And I knew that you’d been singing sour notes

Ever since you left home.

There was no syrup or sunshine to your tone.

It was bitter.

It was turned.

It had been rotten for a long time.

To this day,

I wonder what would’ve happened

If I’d refused to cut your song short

And let you live with the crimes you’d committed

Rather than killing my greatest joy in this realm.

But you had begged me

With a sad smile on your face

To let your symphony remain unfinished

And how can a father

Refuse his son

When it’s his only dying wish?

The only dependent request he’d ever made?

So I listened to your finale

I did what you asked

And I never looked back.

Forgive me,

For I was deaf

And I was blind.

She’s a gorgeous meadow filled with flowers 

Carnations, pink lilies, an orange marigold

Whose beauty shines in all of the hours 

Thrives in sunlight and withers in the cold. 

Her sweet nectar becomes tough and bitter,

When days get shorter and leaves start to fall.

Her lavender scent begins to skitter, 

Causing animals and nature to bawl. 

Though the meadow be barren and sorrow

And the green hummingbirds no longer sing,  

There is still hope and love for tomorrow, 

For the snow still melts when it turns to spring. 

She’s my gorgeous meadow filled with flowers 

Whose beauty shines in all of her hours.

And in the most beautiful place,

Lay Imagination in her always yearning face.

That feathers awaken

Let it not be,

For I have something to say,

About everything she sees.

In shady arbors rise,

A haze of midnight blue,

The starry set of eyes,

For one and for two.

How beautiful this scene she paints,

Imagination’s own dreamscape. 

And in this lively stage,

Two lovers do engage,

In a secret exchange of vows,

Only amongst the drooping clouds.

Feet ankle high, In fairy and fire fly,

Tie their hands together,

Forever in golden treasure.

While dance these two Their night away,

Come enter another bright party to play

Amongst the glossy diamond reflections

Of the deep river’s still perfection.

And ransom one or two

Fairies who say further ado,

For now they swim about,

And dance for the couple so proud.

Beautiful ending it be,

Imagination’s set scene.

For evermore, 

I want my tomorrows to be

In thine own reality.

The world shivered at my birth,

The creatures of life dreaded my arrival,

They all cursed me,

Never wanting to know me.

I drift alone forever taking and leading,

The world and its creatures do not realize,

That I love them.

Always shouting and arguing never accepting,

I am not the reason for their demise,

I simply lead them to a better life, an afterlife.

I am surrounded by all of life’s creatures,

But I feel only sorrow and loneliness,

How I wish to know these creatures,

To bask in their beauty and nuance.

Alas I am cursed to forever sail the world alone,

Accompanied by songs of insults and anguish,

For I am the Ferryman of Souls.

Ruined

Away creature of light,

Do not take them from me.

Look upon their face; what do you see,

Surely you see what all of the world’s creations do,

You see a person that loves and is loved. 

So please, go away, they are not done!

Look upon their heart do you feel what I do,

Do you feel admiration for them,

Do you know compassion;

Compassion for them and all they could be and is.

Away creature of darkness!

You must not take the only one to love me,

The only one who has shown me kindness,

Taught me to be human,

She is undeserving of your ruined touch.

O, Bringer of Peace and Demise,

Do not take my love, 

The purest form that life has taken.

Take one that will not be mourned by the Earth,

Take my bitter-ridden heart,

Leave the sweetness of my love be.

That is all I ask.

Give this man the chance to repay the kindness he did not deserve,

Please let me know heartache and sorrow,

While they live in the ever-resplendent bliss of love!

I hear a soft sob it echoes through the forest,

Chilling the night air; I see them crying,

A sordid and Beautiful sound.

I hear your heartache and ask, why do you cry; 

My words fall upon ears that cannot hear me,

But mine hear you, a sound rich with viral sadness.

Sadness, known only by creatures that have never known love,

Creatures plagued by loneliness, which is why I ask,

Why do you cry?

How could a personification of beauty and light,

Come to know the sadness that has taken the place of my heart?

Maybe we could help each other, 

But alas your ears cannot hear me,

As they are assaulted by your Sorrow Song.

You’ve changed,

Those eyes that used to be mine no longer exist,

The smile that stirred my heart, frequented my dreams,

Now haunt my nightmares.

Your hand that once was warm and vibrant,

Is cold and sullen,

What happened?

Was it me, was it someone else,

Where is the person I love,

Do they still exist in reality?

It seems they only exist in photos,

In memories, I wish to go back and live out those days,

Those days when you loved me,

To feel your warm hand, see the smile of my dreams,

To feel the lips that said, “I love you.”.

Am I a fool for wanting that, perhaps,

But I believe that person exists,

Trapped and needing help,

So I ask you,

Where is my smile, does it still dance in your dreams?

The warm silky sky blanketed the early morning. 

The trees swiftly swayed, as I walked through the gravel path. 

My mind sets adrift to the honey eyes from the night before, and the butterflies wake up. 

The orbs which were civilly presented held an honest and devout Truth. 

Almost as pure as the first sunshine after a mild winter; My mind dances in remembrance from the night before. The heart that once felt so dull, is now beating to a syncretic tone with honey. 

The warm silky brown coat stares me down as I close my eyes, alone and full, my heart aches galore.

To my sweet honey, 

Here's to many more.

Long eyelashes, rosy cheeks, plump lips, light eyes, perfectly straight hair or perfectly curled, slim waist, thigh gap, big boobs, bubble butt, hairless legs, perfectly uncomfortable outfits.

Toned but not muscular, slim but not stick-like, curvy but no tummy, long hair but no frizz, makeup but not too much, pretty but not cute, beautiful but not pretty.

Competition, Jealousy, Resentment, Longing, Hope, Wishing; Unhappy and Unfulfilled.

She will never be enough, 

She can never!