Spring 2021

What was the point of you

Why did you come into my life and make me lose my mind

It would’ve been better if we just stayed strangers 

I see your name everywhere I go

I can’t help but to think that it’s a sign

A sign that you’re going to come back

But that’s just false hope and I know that

Yet here I am,

Still waiting for you

And I know that I need to move on 

But it’s hard and I’m still clinging to the thought of you

Why do I always remember the things I want to forget 

I can’t even remember how I use to feel before you

Almost like my life began and ended with you

I’m forgetting you

This is what I wanted

This is what I asked for

To finally forget you 

To stop thinking about you every second of the day

But now that it’s happening I’m freaking out

Why?

Am I scared to lose you?

But I’ve already lost you

Or so I thought 

The memories I had of us are the only thing I have left of you

And now they’re leaving too

Is me forgetting you a sign of healing or a sign of trauma?

Either way you’ll be completely gone soon

The thoughts of you are haunting me

When I wake up, late at night, when I’m trying to focus, when I’m alone,

You invade my mind

Drowning me in the blackhole thoughts and memories of you

Sucking me into oblivion, never to return from

I hope you miss me

I hope you’re just as miserable without me as I am without you

I’m so mad and all I want to do is hate you

Hate you so I can move on

But I can’t

Because I love you

We once talked about what spirit animal we were

I had no clue what you would’ve been 

But I do now

You’re a leech

Sucking me dry of my happiness 

Leaving only anxiety, anger, and sorrow

Getting off on the enjoyment of hurting me

Telling me lies to lead me on 

You talk about how emotions are useless and you wish you didn’t feel them

That’s bullshit 

You never felt them 

You don’t feel any remorse for others 

You’re an empty shell of a man

We wear our masks. We

Follow the recommended tasks. We

Wash our hands. We

No longer can sit together in sports stands. We

Missed out. We

don’t pout. We

Went through quarantine. We

Need a vaccine. We

Are trying to mend. We

Want this to end.

The colors are dulled as are his life,

Icarus! Oh Icarus you foolish boy

Didn’t listen to your father about your wings

Now you lay on your rock no longer able to breathe

They saw you as you fell

Icarus! Oh Icarus you foolish boy

Now surrounded by lamenting nymphs 

They lament for you Icarus

The wings you made above in the tower

Don’t chase the sun! Don’t be greedy

They spread high surrounding the dull air 

Bird of Paradise, freedom is in your reach

Freedom they hold you, freedom he tells you

Don’t chase the sun! Don’t be greedy

Now surrounded by lamenting nymphs

They lament for you Icarus

Look in the mirror. 

Lava creeps upon your cheeks,

And a ladybug threatens to hop onto your chin.

Hills litter the expanse of your forehead,

And sinkholes widen around your nose.

Ravines wrap around your waist.

Elephant ears lay atop your chest.

Fields of wheat sway below the naval.

Rhododendron smothers your calves.

How we wish to see nature when gazing at our reflection,

But only encounter hideous mirages.

Silly man.

Did you know you were playing games with a little girl?

She was malleable, impressionable, vulnerable.

She was Player 2.

“I love you… platonically.”

These words floated about her brain.

Your pause was enough to warrant a glimmer of hope.

You were Player 1.

She thought it was true love,

And you were the man who could sweep her off of her feet.

Never mind the consequences.

Don’t even question the motives.

“Take my number.”

She said this when you cried wolf.

Good move, man!

You made her believe that you were the vulnerable one,

You made her beg to talk to you.

You dropped to second place, but it was just for show.

Now that the young girl is older,

She acknowledges who plays who.

You took advantage of your Player 1 status.

It’s time to show you what she can do.

There is chaos all around me,

Yet my brain says we're okay.

My heart is going numb,

But my soul is ready to play.

A tension is building up,

And a smile is looming too.

There is some kind of conflict,

I don't know what to do!

Is this anxiety's peak?

Is this as bad as it gets?

With all this contradiction,

I wish I could see my pets.

Dad, Father, Papa.

The words I took for granted,

The love that never faltered.

It was not a surprise when the timer ran out.

The numbers had loomed over my head since birth.

“He was a sick man. We all knew this day would come.”

That does not ease the pain,

That does not eliminate guilt.

I may have known of the timer, but I was never aware.

I was naïve when I thought of “forever,”

But I believe you were too.

Forever became six days, dad.

I should have said, “I love you.”

“I forgive you.”

“You are irreplaceable.”

I know I cannot go back,

How I hope you’re hearing me now.

I love you too. You’re not missing out.

BANG!

We watched movies in elementary school,

The loud noises were splendiferous. 

There was shouting and screaming,

Over which toy belonged to whom.

We ran out to the schoolyard,

And we played ‘til the whistle blew.

The red and blue lights flashed,

On our sneakers that lit up as we moved.

BANG!

We watched movies in middle school,

The loud noises were obnoxious.

There was shouting and screaming,

Just to get a front-row seat to the boys’ fight.

We ran out to the schoolyard, 

Trying to sneak a kiss from our sweetheart.

The red and blue lights flashed,

A fire safety demonstration ensued.

BANG!

We watched movies in high school, 

The loud noises were horrifying.

There was shouting and screaming,

Hiding in the bathroom in case it wasn’t a drill.

We ran out to the schoolyard,

Hoping the intruder wouldn’t notice.

The red and blue lights flashed,

But it’s just another day.

This is America’s reality.

Oh lady with eyes as blue as the sea

And her perfume as fragrant as a rose

She is so encaptivating to me

That's what attracts me to her, I suppose. 

As she grazes her fingers on my skin

And touches me gently with her soft hands 

Oh how the feeling makes my stomach spin No one will ever seem to understand

The way she makes me feel does not compare 

To any other lady I have seen.

I love the way her hair blows in the air,

And how she stands tall with poise like a queen.

Oh lady with eyes as blue as the sea, 

She is so encaptivating to me.

This is now

It was the end

But then, something new

A voice on a page

The few still notes of a melody

Before the song becomes overtaken by rage

This is the tap of wooden toes

On a marley floor

And the single stitch of a seam

Behind a closed shop door 

There were the years of pain

Words that didn’t make any sense

Giving way to success

That was bundled up with string 

In the pride of that one dress

And the beauty of pink ribbons

Shining in the light of the wings

The new chapter

Finally the wheels that spun together

To give you the freedom

To start over

Every inch of your climb makes you 

Every cramped memory you shift through

Press pen to paper

Fingers touch keys,

Step…

1,2,3

Begin

The worst pain of all

Wasn’t the longing at 2 a.m.

For the shape of another

To wrap their arms around me.

Nor was it erasing the memories

Of your touch, smile & soul

‘til my eyes were wiped clean.

It was the hearts murmur of

You deserve better

While my head severed to the center

This is all you deserve.

There are some women who are bold and fiery like erupting volcanoes,

passion burning in their irises and warmth flowing through them.

Some women are like a rain shower, 

full of gentle caresses and 

soft murmurs of words, like a mother singing a lullaby.

There are some women who are volatile and mercurial like a raging hurricane,

a fierce, wind-like energy surrounding their every movement.

Some women are like an earthquake,

a deep voice rumbling,

being vocal in their disagreement.

This must be why men chose to name

the most powerful things after women.

Storms and hulking ships have all been named after women,

so they have to know the power that we hold within us,

within our femininity.

This is why they try to suppress our voices and 

regulate what we can do in society.

They know our power and our might,

and they are afraid.

“Stop being so emotional” really means

they are afraid of what we can do when we harness our feelings.

“She dresses like a slut” really means

they are afraid of what will happen if they have no more excuses

to govern the way we clothe ourselves and look.

We must let that primordial power that we have within us,

that Woman,

be free and prominent in everything we do

instead of hiding Her away in fear of what they might say.

Living a life without you would be unbearable 

Though my actions in the past deserve the longing of your touch, I still hope

How young and foolish I was to not realize what I had. Now grown and matured, I want nothing more than to have it back

A beauty beyond the senses. Transcending life times. Perhaps in another life I would have done right

I did not know it then nor did I know how it felt. In the present, I wish I could only tell you now

I have hurt you and I am undeserving, but the man I am now is the man you are deserving. 

I am not perfect, and I bare many scars. Your love will restore what once was ours

Slavery ended in 1865. The sheets have been removed but they still play with our lives.

“I feared for my life, so I opened fire.” A man who says that about a teenage boy is a liar.

Sworn to protect and serve turns to murder and their oaths are blurred.

Shots fired on an unarmed man, but his skin was weaponized; that was their plan.

Covering up their crimes with lies but we all see the hate. Simply saying “What did I do, officer?” could seal our fates.

What can we do in a world like this? People with power shoot at us and rarely miss.

They don’t think about the families we have or the wives we have to kiss.

Police say they were scared, and we die. But slavery ended in 1865.

Rise up with me!

Do put on your green

And come to the Emerald Isle!

Where clear waters fall

And the mountains are tall

With castles at every mile!

Land of sweet song

And warriors strong

And tolling of blessed bells

This is Ireland

With history grand

And a hundred legends to tell!

So come with me, merry friends!

We’ll go trompin’ through softest glens

On Saint Patrick’s isle

Where angels smile

And joy waits at every bend!

And may our joy never end!

Once in the 30s BCE

Lived a Greco-Egyptian queen

The seventh maid to bear her name

Yet macabre is her claim to fame

Cleopatra, the ruler last

In the ancient line of Egypt’s past

Her once-mighty empire bent

As conquering Rome, its might did vent

For a time, Ptolemy reigned as king

He angered Rome by cutting Pompey’s string

His obsession for power made Egypt groan

And so he was deprived of his throne

Cleopatra became Egypt’s smartest queen

With Roman rulers she was often seen

Then the Roman Senators took up knives

Against Julius Caesar, dictator-for-life

A romance had been between the two

But she needed an ally and she knew who

Cleopatra chose Mark Antony

And here it was hoped they could now be free

But still in Rome, there was great unrest

The Senate debated what action was best

When Gaius Octavian spoke his piece:

The Republic’s time was at its cease

Octavian’s armies seized Cleo’s lands

And Egypt fell into Roman hands

In grief, Cleopatra hammered the stake

When she had her hand bitten by a desert snake

Nowadays, when in Rome, do as the Romans do

It could save a lot of trouble for your pals and you

Might as well better think over your plans through

Lest you fall in love like Marcus Antonius

(I’d rather be living all alone-ious

Then end up like Cleopatra! Wouldn’t you?)

There lived the greatest fellowship

In England’s years of old

That kept their land and people safe

With love and virtue bold

Young Arthur drew Excalibur

And the people did sing:

“Long life to Britannia!

We have our rightful king!”

Arthur, High King of Britain,

Had claimed his father’s throne

But others still desired the crown

And looked on him with scorn

Though these men fought against him,

Cries of the loyal did ring

“God hast given Arthur the throne!

We’ll have no other king!”

Soon the battles were over

And peace was given ground

King Arthur gathered many knights

So freedom might abound

The Knights of the Round Table

Gathered at turn of spring

Together they stood for Arthur,

Saying “Hail to the King!”

As long as king and fellowship

Shared loyalty and trust

Britannia remained at peace

And Arthur was wise and just

But King Arthur’s nephew Mordred

Had no chivalry to bring

To the people, for he told himself

“I alone should be king!”

So Mordred accused Lancelot

And also Guinevere

Of treach’ry against Arthur

And he sowed the seed of fear

He urged Arthur to war

On Lancelot and claimed the crown

But King Arthur learned the truth

And in battle struck Mordred down

So don your armor, noble knights

‘Round the world and raise a shout!

Let us fight that the fire

Of injustice may be snuffed out!

When that day comes, let a rousing cheer

For virtue be given!

Our natural bond of humanity

Will be kindled again!

this love was not the romantic kind

not the kind of love poem is written about

this is the love I took for granted

the kind where the end was not in sight

maybe my eyesight was clouded, or I just didn’t look ahead

this is the love I knew had an end

but took advantage of my naiveness

this love was intense like a romantic love

but it was slow burning

constant, quiet in the background, not flashy

it was a known love, expected– you knew it was there

did I capture it? did you?

the unknowing moments

did we feel it enough– every moment

did I feel that warm comfort

did I feel your love enough–

in the moment

before all I could do is remember it

it was not a romantic love, not passionate

it was a constant warmth

that I feel so cold without it.

without you

You’re ten miles over the speed limit and keening and berating the you of yesterday

For wanting to feel something again because now you do, and what you feel

is much more agonizing than numbness. The wind is whipping harsh through your cracked windows but it’s not enough, you wish that your body could hurt more. Then

you’re charging into the fast lane

and flying past your exit. You’re not going home, you 

are speeding to a pair of hands you know will cause you

harm, the most familiar way to be, almost like

home. You know one hundred ways to wrench the knife 

just a little deeper into your gut, to make it hurt just a little

more. You down liquor like it’s liturgy until your tongue becomes

thick and your body stops feeling like it’s yours

and you can finally give yourself over. When you shed your

clothes like snakeskin, you know what you have beneath will bring satisfaction

even if it’s for a moment. If not for you, then him, at least. It’s so lucky,

that what you have can get you the watered-down affection

that you’ve always craved, that you pray will 

slither inside your ribcage and soothe your anguished heart. Bones be damned;

you beg for pain because it’s mother’s milk.

Tomorrow, you will want to forget,

but tonight you are saved for a brief moment,

and isn’t a moment of nothing (and therefore, everything) worth creating

a worse tomorrow for? Someday you will want to 

stop, but when?

I know what you’re thinking,

But don’t worry, it’s not like they’re aspirational dreams.

Nobody aspires to be sexually assaulted. 

The dream starts off normally, as normal as dreams can get, at least.

Nonsensical, or even sensual—you know how dreams are—

Logical in your sleep and completely devoid of logic ten minutes after waking up.

It’s always a betrayal—

To reach the moment where I realize a mundane dream was setting up another; 

And (of course) I cannot go back, and (of course, again) I cannot wake myself up.

It’s not that dissimilar from the real thing, at least in that I don’t have much power to stop it.

And they’re always sexual assault dreams.

I don’t call them rape dreams, because rape is a word

That means I have to deal with the impact of these events in my life.

It makes them feel real, and severe.

My aspirational dreams are certainly not ones of trauma.

Most of the time, these dreams are never recreations of real life events.

At least, not fully.

Most of the time, these subconscious predators aren’t the sexual predators of my waking past.

It’s never my best friend’s stepfather, close to forty with a craggy face and untrimmed beard.

His nose had been recently hewn to the bone; I think he had been carving meat.

It’s not his hands that grope me; his hands were clumsy and calloused and thick-fingered,

I still remember them.

Strangely enough, he’s never a featured actor in these dreams of sexual assault.

And, for some reason, these dreams don’t feature the slimy college grad that knew me when I was just fifteen, and I’d always mention that my sixteenth birthday was coming soon.

No, he was good, he waited until I was eighteen, even if it was only barely. 

Eighteen and drunk on cheap wine at a college party—

I mean, with retrospect, an obvious red flag. What’s a college grad doing coming back to party with children?

But he kept pouring me more and more, and who was I to say no?

He doesn’t pop up in my dreams often, and that’s something I’m thankful for. 

We saw him slowly fade away 

When I saw you there I knew, 

We could not make you stay

When I got the news all I did was pray 

My heart was torn in two

We saw him slowly fade away

I miss you everyday,

A million times I cried and felt so blue; 

We could not make you stay

Our memories together help me on my way

I felt helpless with nothing to do

We saw him slowly fade away

When I saw your last breath taken away; 

Another golden heart put to rest anew 

We could not make you stay

Remembering you is easy, I do it every day

You now live in an eternity of peace we wish to know 

We saw him slowly fade away

We could not make you stay.

We danced through the barren streets. We talked like little kids underneath the warm stars that blanketed the sky on a cold September night. Trepidation from the first full moon that evening, my heart longed for more and sensed the pain of agitation when watching him move.

What if that mask that falls onto his face hides the discomposure within?

What if he isn't who he says he is?

What if he breaks the gravel road in which I hand built from the past?

Yet, What if he is the one?

In the span of time,

She turned to her crushed dreams, unaccomplished goals, & failures

& sighed.

Was it me? or Was it the idea of me?

Was it even my fault?

She buried herself with the false accusations, the treachery, the lies

And laid to rest for a while.

Fighting wars takes energy,

This was something entirely different

It was so peaceful, so serene, & so quiet

She disappeared only to die concurrently.

From her grave, grew a garden

Built of all things good and hopeful

Filled with promises of new tomorrows.

But still worried of manipulation, deceit, & lies,

Covered in dirt & thorns, bugs & scorn

It grew. Silently but stably.

And no one was to see it apart from she herself.

When she was alone

Rose her deepest desire

She decided to climb

And reach her destiny that was higher.

In the shadows of dark she grew,

Not born again by the sun,

but by something a little darker,

a little more true.

No one watched this journey,

No one seemed to care

They only seem to find interest

When there is something for them there.

In the end it did benefit them

Which is when they stopped to look

At the success she had created,

At the empire she had built.

However, she was no longer listening to all the ridicule

Only charging on further

And surrounding herself with lovers, preservers, forgivers, & learners.

In her death & disappearance, misery & despair

She rose to be the best version of herself.

It was not red like I imagined,

Nor blue like I was told.

It was a collection of as colors imaginable

It was tanzanite, opal, & diamond all at once.

So vibrant at the time,

Only to be reduced to an achromic life.

When the kaleidoscope of memories comes back,

So do the colors.

Fever dreams of our future

And hopes for a flamboyant life.

Only to find it now faded and torn

The canvas of the life once lived; destroyed.

Dream a little dream of me

Before it is erased

For the memories are now gone

And will soon be replaced.

By another just as better

Then they ever truly were

This is the moral of the story,

That the colors will just be.

Golden like the sunlight

That’s what she said to me.

How she thought of herself

And all that she could be.

Like sun rays hitting your skin

On a warm summer beach day.

That’s what it means to care for one another

And to care about me.

I hope you find your golden

And what that means to you.

I wish you the best of happiness

That you can live your life through.

There once was a young girl 

She was as pretty as a pearl

With confidence bigger than a lion

But as the sun set across the horizon 

She wished she was back near the mainland 

Complete darkness fell across the land

Her brain started to swallow her whole

Shadows formed into shapes of monsters that suck out your soul!

The low whistling wind seemed to call her name 

Then it got louder and louder Naomi... Naomi...NAOMI!!!

She couldn't take it any longer so she ran

She thought “I’ll run. I’ll run as far as I can”

She kept running as far as she could go 

It was right behind her she could jump way down below

But if she jumped the cliff she’d fall to her death  

The soul-sucking monster was so close she could smell its breath

She had a choice to make. Fall to her death or fall into the creature’s clutches

She had to make her choice now! All she could do was listen to her hunches

She looked over the cliff then looked into its hungry eyes

She thought about her choices and said “Just open your eyes”

To the walls of my bedroom

Dressed as you may be

You’ve seen me

While I’ve cried and been heartbroken,

Singing and choreographing to Hannah Montana

You’ve seen me grow up.

With time, you’ve changed your stripes too

I’ve beaten you

slammed a door against you

pushed you in frustration

leaned on you after–

I’ve stared at you blankly for years

As you have stared at me

To the large window

You’ve let the light in for years

You tell me the tone of the day

that the narrative will follow

My emotions adjust to what you offer

Every day starts with you

with the warmth you bring in

To my oldest sweatshirt

Not worn except occasionally

Your loyalty is not lost on me. 

Through the tears and laugh

The days you comfort me as I stay in bed for hours

Being yanked as I grab you on my way to meet someone

Old and worn out

You survive to comfort me

To the diary that never sees the light of day

I apologize

for your abuse

You’ve only felt my hurtful, and hurting, words

Never appreciated and only used so often

You’ve seen the lowest part of me

The most personal stories are confined 

To a place no one will ever understand

A room full of laughs

Sleepovers, dance parties, late-night cramming

The groans of getting up early

And the bliss of resting at the end of the day

A place where my secrets hide

Seeped deep into my floor, the walls, the bed

It is here that my most raw self lives