Act I: The Inconvenience Store

Cast List:
Mr. Ben Johnson (32 years old) – A worn-out businessman who is merely seeking some shelter and amenities after a long day on the road.

Ms. Cecila Cahill (28 years old) – Inconvenience Store owner and avid fact-collector, very eccentric and socially peculiar.

The Inconvenience Store, rural England, Jan 4th Tuesday evening. The set shows the front of the building, with a sign that reads “CONVENIENCE STORE” with the letters “I” and “N” fallen on the ground. On the left-hand side of the stage, there are steps placed in front of the stage and a door placed on top of the stage, but the steps are to the left of the door. BEN JOHNSON enters from the audience and climbs up the steps. It is raining outside, and he carries an umbrella. Then, however, he stops short, noticing that the door to the store is too far to the right to conveniently reach by the steps (and the doorknob is on the far right of the door). He reaches comically for the doorknob and almost falls, then raps loudly on the section of the door closest to him, exasperated.

MR. JOHNSON: Hello there! Is anyone there? Open up, will you? Hello?

MS. CAHILL opens the door.

MS. CAHILL: Sorry, sir. (She glances at her wrist-watch). We close in approximately 13 seconds. Well, 7 now. 5, 4, 3 ...

MR. JOHNSON: Now hold on a second! I’m practically drenched out here!

MS. CAHILL: Yes, very regrettable.

MS. CAHILL slams the door shut.

MR. JOHNSON: Wha- (He notices a sign taped to the door and rips it off, then reads aloud, bemusedly). Open some Tuesdays and Thursdays from 12-1 am, for five minutes after 7 until 7 minutes after 7, and at 7:13 pm for 15 minutes, except in good weather.

MS. CAHILL suddenly opens the door.

MS. CAHILL: So sorry for the inconvenience, sir. We are open again now, but likely only for 15 minutes. Although, we could possibly only be open for two. Hours are always rather unpredictable over the holidays, you know.

MR. JOHNSON: Holiday? Never mind, just let me in, if you will.

MS. CAHILL: Of course, sir.

MS. CAHILL offers him a hand and helps him up.

MR. JOHNSON: Now, what were you saying about a holiday? It’s a Tuesday in January - there’s no holiday.

MS. CAHILL: Right you are, but it’s not just any Tuesday in January. It’s January the 4th. (There’s a pause as she looks at him expectantly). Trivia Day!

MR. JOHNSON stares blankly.

MS. CAHILL: Did you know that a man named Bobby Cole got so tired of his wife complaining that her shoes would get wet that he invented umbrella shoes?

MR. JOHNSON: Umbrella shoes? But who in their right mind would want to walk around in those?

MS. CAHILL: Well, if you’d like some, I’ve got a pair on the shelf over there.

MR. JOHNSON: No, thanks. You see, I’m on my way to London for a business trip, only my car’s broken down and I can’t get service. Do you happen to have wifi?

MS. CAHILL: We do.

MR. JOHNSON: Excellent! May I have the password? 

MS. CAHILL: No.

MR. JOHNSON: Why not? 

MS. CAHILL: I’ve forgotten it.

MR. JOHNSON: Bugger. Well, I neglected to pack a few things. Have you got any toothpaste?

MS. CAHILL: Yes, we’ve got some here. (She takes a box of toothpaste off the shelf and hands it to him)

MR. JOHNSON: Pickle-flavored? Is this all you’ve got?

MS. CAHILL: We also have eggplant, curry, and pine flavors. Did you know that in 1873 Colgate began mass-producing toothpaste in jars?

MR. JOHNSON: Whatever would I need to know that for? Look here, this toothpaste expired two years ago!

MS. CAHILL: Yes, all of our toothpaste is very long expired. 

MR. JOHNSON: Have you got razors?

MS. CAHILL: Yes.

MR. JOHNSON: Have they got heads?

MS. CAHILL: Unfortunately, no. They are all headless.

MR. JOHNSON: What about hand sanitizer?

MS. CAHILL: No, but we do have hand wipes.

MR. JOHNSON: And I assume there’s something wrong about them? 

MS. CAHILL: Only if you intend to use them on your hands.

MR. JOHNSON (sarcastically): No, I intended to use them on my feet! (He grabs some from the shelf in front of the register). Oh, I see. Hanson’s Hand Wipes. Warning: Do not use product on your hands or other areas of skin.

MS. CAHILL: Will that be all? (She moves to the register).

MR. JOHNSON: (He spies some Lego sets hanging near the register and sighs.) You’ve got Lego? I suppose if there’s nothing worth buying here for myself, I might as well get a little something for my son.

MS. CAHILL: Yes, we’ve got several sizes of Lego sets – 3⁄4, half, and 1⁄4. Which would you prefer?

MR. JOHNSON: What! You mean to tell me the best you’ve got is 3⁄4 of a Lego set? Does it at least tell you which pieces you are getting?

MS. CAHILL: Regrettably, the missing pieces are not listed. However, did you know that in 2009, James May created the first full-sized Lego house in Surrey, Great Britain, with 3.3 million bricks? It included a working toilet, shower, and a bed, which were all made out of Lego bricks.

MR. JOHNSON (exasperated): Isn’t there anything convenient in this entire store?

MS. CAHILL: Regrettably, no. You see, this is an INconvenience store. There’s nothing whatsoever convenient about it.

MR. JOHNSON (shouting now): That’s madness! This store is a complete waste of space! I’ve never heard of anything so - so -

MS. CAHILL: Inconvenient?

MR. JOHNSON: Come off it!

MR. JOHNSON leaves the store, slamming the door. He falls off the stage, picks himself up, and starts limping (in a rather silly and exaggerated way) down the central aisle towards the doors.

MS. CAHILL rushes to the door, opens it, and calls after him.

MS. CAHILL: If you’re looking for a place to stay the night, there’s a very good hotel just a few blocks down – the Bed and No Breakfast!

MR. JOHNSON continues limping away from the shop until he exits the auditorium.

Act II: The Bed and No Breakfast

Cast List:
Mr. Ben Johnson (32 years old) – A worn-out businessman who, after barging out of the Inconvenience Store, is (still) seeking some shelter and amenities after a long rainy day on the road.

Sir – A mysterious hotel owner who is always around but only provides half of whatever one would like, including his name.

The Bed and No Breakfast, rural England, Jan 4th Tuesday evening. A sign placed at the edge of the stage reads “Bed and No Breakfast.” Beneath the sign is a doorway (with no door) and a man standing there. Steps lead up to the door from the audience level. MR. JOHNSON enters from the main aisle of the audience, limping and muttering to himself. He doesn’t notice the sign at first or the man.

MR. JOHNSON (limping): Codswallop!

SIR: Pardon?

MR. JOHNSON: What? Who said that? I can’t see through this rain. 

MR JOHNSON: (edging closer to the stage): I said who’s there?

SIR: I am Sir.

MR. JOHNSON (at the stairs now): Well, I can see that, but who exactly are you, Sir, and what are you doing standing in the middle of a doorless doorway?

SIR: I am Sir.

MR. JOHNSON: Codswallop.

SIR: Pardon?

MR. JOHNSON: Could I come in? My car’s broken down and I can’t seem to find any helpful sort of place around here.

SIR (moves aside): Welcome to the Bed and No Breakfast.

MR. JOHNSON (comes in and looks pointedly at SIR): I’m delighted.

MR. JOHNSON: Now, normally I would ask why this doorway has no door, but I’ve learned not to ask those sorts of questions. Just set me up in a cozy bed and I’ll call an auto repair shop in the morning.

SIR (goes behind the check-in counter): Name?

MR. JOHNSON: Ben Johnson.

SIR: Method of payment?

MR. JOHNSON: Credit. How much? 

SIR: Half.

MR. JOHNSON: Half of what? 

SIR: Half your last paycheck. 

MR. JOHNSON: Ha, nice try. 

SIR is silent.

MR. JOHNSON: You’re not serious? You don’t even offer breakfast! 

SIR: Half.

MR. JOHNSON: Of what?

SIR is silent.

MR. JOHNSON: How about a quarter?

SIR: No, half.

MR. JOHNSON (sarcastically): How about half of the cash in my wallet?

SIR: That will be fine.

MR. JOHNSON: Really? Well, that’s not half-bad.

MR. JOHNSON pulls out a wad of banknotes and hands them to SIR.

MR. JOHNSON: Now it’s a shame you don’t have breakfast, but I won’t hound you too much about it if you set me up in a nice bed, alright?

SIR (nods): Your room is 417.

MR. JOHNSON: And the key?

SIR: Half the keys are missing.

MR. JOHNSON: Really? How’d that come about? 

SIR is about to answer.

MR. JOHNSON: No, wait. Never mind. I don’t want to know.

MR. JOHNSON starts exiting the stage.

SIR: Have a nice stay.

The stage is changed and a door is placed in the middle, with an empty bed frame behind it. MR. JOHNSON enters from the side.

MR. JOHNSON: You know, I already fell down a set of stairs today, I didn’t need to get my foot stuck in another set! Hello! Do you hear me? Half your steps are broken!

MR. JOHNSON starts attempting to kick in the door.

MR. JOHNSON: At this rate, it had better be a king-sized, memory foam -

The door bursts open.

MR. JOHNSON: WHAT’S THIS?

SIR (mysteriously appearing out of nowhere): Yes? 

MR. JOHNSON: You haven’t got a bed! 

SIR: Pardon?

MR. JOHNSON: This isn’t a bed! 

SIR: Pardon?

MR. JOHNSON: No, I will not pardon you. After all this ruckus, you haven’t even got a bed? You told me No Breakfast, not No Bed.

SIR: I really don’t understand what you expect from me. There is a bed, just no mattress.

MR. JOHNSON: The mattress is the most important part of a bed! In fact, I would go so far as to say, the mattress is what makes a bed a bed!

SIR: Excuse me, but a mattress is not a bed. It does not partake in any bed-ness.

MR. JOHNSON (pacing, maybe throwing his hands in the air): There is no excuse!

SIR: Really, you can have no complaints. The intrinsic nature of the bed can be fully seen before you.

MR. JOHNSON (stops pacing): A bed is supposed to be squishy.

SIR: A hard bed is hardly an oxymoron.

MR. JOHNSON: Now, listen. A person naturally expects a mattress. The image that comes naturally to my mind with the word ‘bed’ has a mattress.

SIR: That’s not my fault.

MR. JOHNSON: A bed is the entire piece of furniture you sleep on!

SIR: Ah, you’re one of those glass-half-empty types. Look at it this way: you’ve got half a bed. And that’s half as much as you wanted right? So you’ve gone halfway. That’s all anyone can really expect out of life.

MR. JOHNSON: I have half a mind to clobber you. 

SIR: Have a good night.

SIR exits the room.

MR. JOHNSON tries to settle down onto the bed in various ways, becoming increasingly annoyed until he gives up and lies down on the floor.

Stage lights dim. The set is changed back to the original view: the stairs and the Bed and No Breakfast sign and doorway. The lights are turned back on, and we see MR. JOHNSON heading out the door as SIR moves to stand there.

SIR: I hope you enjoyed your stay.

MR. JOHNSON (sarcastically): You don’t know the half of it.

MR. JOHNSON pulls out his phone and dials a number as he walks down the center aisle of the audience.

MR. JOHNSON (lifts up his cell phone): You said to call *half a telephone number*?

SIR: That’s right.

MR. JOHNSON: Ha! Bet you didn’t think I could guess the second half, what with the service at half bar. I’ve spent half the morning dialing half the numbers in the country, but I’ve finally gotten it!

SIR: You’re too clever by half.

MR. JOHNSON (dials the number): Hello, this is Ben Johnson. Is this the Auto Repair Shop? (pause) Oh? Auto Disrepair Shop? 

MR. JOHNSON exits - stage left.