I walked past Mom's room at 7:10 am. I had cranked up her bed earlier for her morning tea. She had thrown back the covers. Her pink nightgown was hiked up to her hips. She was doing full leg scissors and holding her two pound weights in her hands.
I immediately dropped to the floor to do a set of 10 leg scissors myself.
Mom models good exercise routines.
I can hear her counting repetitions in her room as I write this.
I have been going through a period of overwhelm looking after Mom. It isn't the physical work or the myriad of details that runs me down. It is the drain on my mental and emotional energy when I am the only person providing for Mom 24/7 for multiple days in a row.
We now have paid caregivers coming to help out so I can get to my desk and try to keep some semblance of cashflow incoming. But that does not mean I am recharging my batteries, it means I am discharging my batteries in a different direction.
When there is no family who is calling in to have tea, chat with Mom, play a game of cards with her or sing a song, that burden of care also falls to me, after I have taken care of shelter, housekeeping, food and beverage, personal hygiene and medications.
This absence of engagement draws me down in two ways. First, the additional draw on my energy reduces me beyond my limit, it takes me into a deficit energy position. Second, no matter how hard I work my spiritual program, I feel resentment, that my family is able to pursue their leisure or professional activities while I take care of Mom. I don't resent taking care of Mom. I resent the unspoken assumption that all of Mom's needs are going to be taken care of by me, over and above the paid caregivers. I resent that I am being called to expend extra-ordinary energy on basic day to day living requirements while my siblings are able to expend ordinary energy on enriched or enriching activities beyond the basics.
I need to make sense of this dynamic to protect my own health and well-being.
I also don't want to have to expend the extra energy to remind my family that Mom needs their attention and engagement. That is also a drain on my limited resources.
At present we have family visiting and Mom has lots of visitors and attention. She is happy and content. That makes everything easier for me. When Mom misses calls and visits from family, she doesn't fall into depression or anything drastic. She is just a little more difficult to be around because her nonsensical verbalizing increases, she is a little more erratic and confused, she may express anger or irritation at imagined targets. I know she is feeling lonely, but she can't put that into words. And I am not enough. She needs the enrichment of other family members showing an interest and connecting with her.
There isn't any money that can pay for that kind of time.