JARROD
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED
In a balloon task, Hank revealed “JARROD.” Hank admitted that it was too early for Jarrod. He then walked away and had an off-camera conversation with Jarrod. It is Jarrod’s first P4A but he is a big fan of what we do in this community. And then Jarrod took over hosting. And chat was rightfully horrified.
His favorite part of P4A is that so much money is raised, not only for big organizations, but also smaller ones like “that book charity for prisoners and also others.” Jarrod claims to have donated $250,000 to PIH and $150,000 to StC, which is why Hank let him be here. He made that money from selling his crypto company to a guy named Stefan or Stefon. We later learned that Stefan or Stefon is German. Jarrod thinks it was a money laundering thing. Jarrod is an Effective Accelerationist. E/Acc in bio.
Jarrod is worried that inside of his face will get sticky. He then returned to talking about being an Effective Accelerationist focused on solving easy problems and how he should be wearing glasses but he’s not. He couldn’t see how upset the chat was. Jarrod is going to E/Acc his way into there being no tuberculosis. That is the future that Jarrod wants to see.
His favorite type of dog is corgi because someone made a mistake along the way and they need his help. He’s an Effective Accelerationist for little things like getting corgis onto couches. “We are going to Effectively Accelerate ourselves into another balloon getting popped.”
Jarrod then let Hank come back. Hank likes Jarrod. We do not. Hank claims Jarrod is a big deal. He ran a poll asking if we like Jarrod. “I can look at the results of the poll and have my heart crushed” said Hank.
“Yeah Jarrod is the best” had $779.73, while “NO WE HATE HIM” had $2,432.59.
The only way to get on Hank’s good side is to like Jarrod. Jarrod is named after Hank’s ex-girlfriend’s new boyfriend. Hank admitted that he is within Jarrod and decided to put Jarrod back on to talk to Brennan.
“Brennan Lee Mulligan, one of my favorite guys.”
“He’s from Dimension 20 and also Make Some Noise. Can you make some noises for me?”
“Yeah, let me make them in the shape of this next sentence real quick: I was expecting Hank Green to be here.”
Jarrod then explained that he is Hank’s friend who donated a lot of money from selling his crypto. He’s an Effective Accelerationist, but like, a normal one.
Brennan finds this fascinating and “would love to believe some of the things you’ve said but every hair on my body is standing like a dog who’s just perceived a nearby ghost.”
Brennan then declared himself Jarrod’s mortal enemy. He needs to see Jarrod’s vibe removed from the Earth. He’s fine with Jarrod surviving as long as the vibe is gone.
Chat views Brennan as the hero we needed.
Brennan admits that when Jarrod talked about crypto, Kill Bill sirens started going off and he missed the rest of what Jarrod said.
Jarrod then claimed that when he made his big donation to PIH and StC, people introduced him to Effective Accelerationism but their version of it was weird stuff about AI and trillions of humans while Jarrod views that as made up stuff that doesn’t help real humans who are alive right now. So Jarrod was kicked out of the crypto groups and now he gets to help the Project for Awesome and meet his dream man: Brennan Lee Mulligan.
“Wow.” said Brennan.
Jarrod then began stretching his face. “It’s a treatment that only Effective Accelerationists have access to.” Brennan questions if this is like the guy who is stealing his son’s blood and putting it in his body. Jarrod says yes, but Jarrod uses monkey blood instead. Brennan can’t tell if they’ve been talking for 45 seconds or 90 minutes. Jarrod offers for Brennan to talk to Hank and Brennan accepts.
Jarrod left. Thank you, Brennan.
When Hank returned he asked Brennan what he thinks of Jarrod, who is a real big donor. “I love that he donates big,” said Brennan, “that’s the part of Jarrod that I love.” Almost every other part of Jarrod is a veto from Brennan.
Jarrod had such an effect on Brennan that it wiped the memory of last year’s P4A, as he claimed the only other time he had been on P4A was two years earlier.
Later in the evening, Hank wrote donors’ names on Jarrod’s face, to be used later. While this was happening, chat agreed that Jarrod should be shredded, not burned, because burning Jarrod would release toxic fumes.
Saturday morning, Hank and John were discussing Jarrod. Jarrod donated $5000 to visit again but “NO JARROD PLEASE” also donated $5000 to keep him away.
A second Jarrod poll happened. "More Jarrod" raised $8,635.69 while "NO JARROD PLEASE" raised $9,762.15.
During Drawfee's segment, Jarrod returned, desipte chat's protests. Jarrod made the interesting choice to eat a banana on stream and we learned that he is 28. Karina drew Jarrod and claimed he is a "normal guy" as part of their sticker pack.
Nerdfighter Shelby made Jarrod's LinkedIn. Jarrod also has a twitter.
Late Saturday night, Jarrod returned and said “it’s me, your favorite Jarrod!”
Jarrod likes to tell people how easy it is to make money. You just make your own crypto currency and find a German money launderer named Hans. [Lore Keeper’s note: Jarrod previously told us his German money launderer was either Stefan or Stefon.] Hans gives you a bunch of money for your crypto currency for whatever reason. Jarrod then grew a third lip in the middle of his lips.
Jarrod explained that he was very excited to hang out on stream this morning. So excited that he donated $5,000 to meet his idol, John Green (not to be confused with his dream man, Brennan Lee Mulligan). John had changed Jarrod’s whole perspective on how to do good with money, unlike the crypto billionaires he’s been hanging out with. Those crypto billionaires just want to effectively accelerate themselves using AI and spaceships.
Menacingly, Jarrod then explained that Hank would not return to the livestream until it was time to pop another balloon, which was still $10,000 away. We then got a message from Hank, who it seemed was being held hostage by Jarrod: as much as you don’t like Jarrod sometimes, Hank also does not like Jarrod. It gets wet in here.
Jarrod can only see with one eye at a time. He decided to share his healthcare routines [Lore Keeper note: this is not good advice. Do not try to be like Jarrod.]:
Wake up and go to the doctor to get the blood of a young monkey injected into your veins, which is why his skin is so smooth.
Exercises, like "Chair Lifts," where you lift a chair. This is working smart. It activates every single muscle group in your body, according to Jarrod.
Since Jarrod started taking Monkey Blood his vision has been worse, so he needs to wear his glasses that do not fit on his large head. Jarrod then started to thank donors, but the first was “anti Jarrod gang,” which hurt his feelings. When a donor asked how long Jarrod has been 28, Jarrod asked how long they have been a possum.
“The donations, they continue to flow,” said Jarrod. Jarrod offered to donate the other $5,000 to reach our goal. He wanted to effectively accelerate us to a world with less tuberculosis and more children getting the support they need.
Jarrod has a special version of his ears that can only hear positive things, so he can’t even hear his haters.
Monkey Blood makes your skin super stretchy, according to Jarrod. [Lore Keeper note: This is terrible news because it seems to imply that Beanie Sandfurbs uses Monkey Blood and that is why he is flexible.]
“I’m getting a little dizzy you guys. Please help. Please help,” said Jarrod as he asked for more donations. Anonymous then donated telling Jarrod to look out because there was a possum, which made Jarrod scream and jump!
“Everyone who doesn’t like me is obviously a possum and I am not a possum or a vampire or a vampire possum,” declared Jarrod, unexpectedly as he donated $5,000.
Hank and Jarrod then had an off-camera conversation about how much everyone hates Jarrod and Jarrod left for the night.
In the last hour and a half of the livestream, Hank decided to turn the onion he had not cronched into Jarrod. As Hank drew Jarrod, he said that it was all about making the holes deep dark holes. John agreed and added that it is all about getting the blackness of the soul (or the blinding whiteness of the soul). Hank stabbed the onion with the Banana Loca corer to turn onion Jarrod into a puppet of sorts.
Hank then did a puppet show involving onion Jarrod and a possum finger puppet.
Jarrod asked the possum why he was being tormented by “you people.” The possum said it was just trying to live its life.
“I started a crypto currency called Possum Coin and I feel like ever since then you’ve been hunting me! You’ve been hunting me because you know that I didn’t do it to try and make the world better. I only did it to create a new gambling asset!” exclaimed Jarrod.
“If it’s any consolation, it was also used for money laundering and possums really hate money laundering,” countered the possum.
Onion Jarrod said he only wanted to do good in the world but ultimately he wanted to get rich and make money. The possum then admitted to sneaking into Jarrod’s room late at night when Jarrod was 28 years old and dying of tuberculosis, 200 years ago. Jarrod tried to deny this but the possum insisted that he had to accept it. The possum snuck into his room, bit him on the neck, and gave Jarrod "vampire disease."
It took some convincing, but Jarrod finally admitted that the vampire possum saved him from dying of tuberculosis which is why Jarrod must now use his crypto billionaire fortune to help the P4A fight for better healthcare systems and, in particular, end TB.
Jarrod and the possum found common ground. They must end tuberculosis as a public health crisis but without turning people into vampires this time.
“They’re hugging,” Hank insisted.
At the end of the puppet show Henry asked if Uncle Hank was okay.
In the last minutes of the livestream, Hank’s wife Katherine and their son, Orin, joined him. Katherine waved the Jarrod mask and Orin punched it repeatedly.
During the final hours of the stream, a third Jarrod-related poll was run. Donors were asked "Who is the REAL 2024 mascot?" Q earned $4,094.77. Ol' Trash Water earned $4,400.12. Possum earned $10,413.38. Jarrod earned $24,085.57. Honk Green earned $29,661.08. For a third time Jarrod did not win a poll about Jarrod.
After the livestream end card went up, it went away and we were left with a gif of Jarrod eating a banana. A truly cursed image.
Even Save the Children were upset.
