Trump and Putin’s Secret

In a shocking twist that no one saw coming (except, well, everyone), Donald Trump has been unmasked as a Russian agent code named "Agent Orange," tasked with turning the U.S. into a reality TV dumpster fire.

Trump’s mission? To ruin the US economy, disgust allies, weaken NATO, crash the stock market. His mission was achieved in only 100 days! As Trumpski remarked: "Appointing a Health Secretary who thought measles was a "retro wellness trend." was just the icing on the cake." 

Trumpski cackled to his Kremlin handlers: “These Americans love suffering! I'll give them plague after exciting plague."

Not to be outdone, Johnny Bowden (a.k.a. Putin) turned Russia into the world’s saddest circus. “One million Russians gone, oil prices lower than my Tinder matches, and all our talent’s going anywhere but Russia” he bragged to his CIA bosses. “I’ve got tanks breaking down like my old Nokia, and the country’s so broke we’re selling Siberia on eBay. The Cold War? Pfft!, that was nothing” Johnny’s so proud, he’s already pitching a sequel: Russia: The Wasteland Diaries.

Some tinfoil-hat enthusiasts still insist Trump and Putin thought they were helping their countries. These conspiracy nuts probably think the moon landing was on a Hollywood set. The facts make it clear; the two countries are run by wizard masterminds. It takes a special genius to engineer disasters like this.

Exxon plays to strength –  Chooses evil as corporate strategy

A Spokescarbon elaborated: “When you think Exxon, you think Exxon Valdez, buying politicians, funding climate deniers and a deep and intense love of money. In short, evil gives us brand recognition. You know when you see Exxon on a ship, or a building - something profoundly bad for the humanity is happening. We need to leverage that into brand awareness.” Exxon executives will be retitled demons, and the CEO, Beelzebub in chief.

“In light of Shell and BP pivoting to renewables and pledging climate neutrality, we stand out. Yes, we’re going to pump every last bit of CO2 into the atmosphere we can, until the earth boils, quite handy for hell. If we also trash a bit of rainforest, or spill a bit of oil on a pristine coastline- that’s just icing on the evil-cake.  Our old logo has to go though. We’re thinking something like a man-goat hybrid with a pitchfork.”

A Republican party politician commented: “See that Mercedes, I call it the Exxon, same with the swimming pool and mansion. I’ve got to say, evil sure pays well. Global warming is a- a socialist plot!! I just gotta to say that once a day and the river of cash keeps flowing. Aren’t they great!”

Amazon to deliver customers to warehouses

Lord Bezos himself has unloaded the hotly anticipated news: Using information gleaned from millions of Alexas, drones will patrol the streets waiting to pick up customers in need of goods: ”We’ll know when you’ve been talking about buying a lawnmower, and without you even ordering anything, an Amazon drone will whisk you to the warehouse to take delivery of your goods. Non paying customers will be put to work in Amazon workshops until they’ve paid their debts. This will help the economy…somehow. We’ve taken a leaf from the Chinese government's book; get those troublemakers locked up and working.”

Explaining the logic, the Retail Master continued: “We’ve tried all sorts of things to get goods to customers quickly, but, frankly it’s all too hard. Sometimes people have retail thoughts and don't follow through and sometimes, and this is the most tragic part..” The Master wiped away a heartfelt tear of sorrow. “Sometimes they don’t buy anything at all, or buy it from someone else.”  It’s my duty, and the duty of every homo sapien, to buy from Amazon. We’re half way there.”

Chinese govt. declares living rooms are “Traditional Chinese territory”

A spokesinvasion for Emperor Xi expanded on the idea: “Since time immemorial, the world’s loungerooms have belonged to the middle kingdom, or at least since last week when comrade Lee came up with the idea.”

“We will be installing a party member on every sofa, to ensure the safety of Chinese property. To help you become civilised, there will be Leninism lessons in the morning, and thoughts of Chairman Xi in the afternoon. No need to thank us -  being able to bring the benefits of Chinese civilisation to you idiots is thanks enough.”

Since seizing much of the world’s ocean “Cause, who’s going to stop us?” to quote the head of the People’s Liberation Army, the Chinese military and government have been making increasingly bold claims.  Representatives of Native Americans and Australian Aboriginals added: “I wonder where they got the idea of seizing things -truly a mystery.”

Trump's ego is now visible from nearest planets

A spokesleeze from Trump orbit remarked: “Haven’t we been telling you how colossal Donald is, now you just have to look up at night to see how true that is.”

Astronomers have confirmed that a bright orange blob, roughly the size of Texas is part covering the moon and emitting radio signals of Trump like humility  and sweetness “I’m the best” and “loser” and “lets invade Canada”. The blob, dubbed Trump’s Ego, or TEGO for short was created by Fox news’ repeated, unstinting and repetitive praise.

Trump claims that TEGO is a sign of his greatness and popularity, and that he is the only leader in the world who can communicate with aliens. He has also accused NASA of trying to sabotage his space legacy, and demanded that they rename the moon Trumpville. “The moon is very unfair to me, very unfair. It’s always hiding behind the Earth, or changing its shape, or eclipsing the sun. It’s a loser, a total loser. I want a new moon, a beautiful moon, a Trump moon. And I want it now!”

NASA has issued a statement saying that TEGO poses no threat to the Earth, but may interfere with some satellite signals and radio transmissions, and the thoughts of the gullible. They have also urged the public not to look directly at TEGO, as it may cause eye damage, nausea and/or visceral disgust.

Putin invades Antarctica, claims "It's always been part of Russia"

In a move that stunned absolutely no one, Vladimir Putin has today laid claim to the entirety of Antarctica. Citing centuries-old, definitely real maps, the Russian President asserted, "This vast, icy frontier has always held a special place in the heart of Mother Russia. Penguins are basically smaller, flightless bears if you think about it."

Putin's invasion force, consisting of heavily frostbitten conscripts and a suspiciously large number of polar bears, reportedly faced little resistance. In a gesture of magnanimity, Putin has assured disgruntled penguins that they'll be offered Russian citizenship if they swear undying fealty to Putin, and fight in Ukraine.

Meanwhile, world leaders have scrambled to condemn the act of blatant aggression. "This is simply unacceptable!" thundered a White House spokesperson, hastily relocating their podium away from a window after several unidentified drones were spotted hovering overhead.

Economists predict Putin's audacious power play will lead to a severe shortage of fish fingers and an unprecedented surplus of grumpy-looking seabirds shuffling around the Kremlin.

Conspiracy theorist confused by too many conspiracy theories

Speaking from her triple locked basement, local conspiracy theorist Darlene Thory complained; “It’s hard to keep track of them all. I like a good conspiracy just like the next person- maybe more. I know the baby eating Democrats stole the election, but lots of Republican say no.  What gives? Are they robots controlled by the Chinese paedophiles, or Russian paedophile robots? They are according to #fetiduser, but my QAnon friends tell me there is going to be a big info drop, and Donald will rule us forever. I’m so confused.”

“I know vaccines cause autism- all my friends know that, just like we know the earth is flat, but somehow, they’re putting mind control and tracking chips in with the vaccine. But, as #fetuser says, its all a plandemic, to control us - but how does giving us autism help control us? Really my head is starting to spin, just like the earth doesn’t. And don’t get me started on the CIA mind control rays, why do they need them if they use chips to control us anyway? I’d like to believe, I’ll never be a Sheeple, believing, so called scientists, (rhymes with Satanists, almost), but where’s a girl to turn to find the real truth?”