Conspiracy Theorist Confused by too Many Conspiracy Theories
Speaking from her triple locked basement, local conspiracy theorist Darlene Thory complained; “It’s hard to keep track of them all. I like a good conspiracy just like the next person- maybe more. I know the baby eating Democrats are stealing the election, but lots of Republican judges are doing it too. What gives? Are they robots controlled by the Chinese paedophiles, or Russian paedophile robots? They are according to #fetiduser, but my QAnon friends tell me there is going to be a big info drop, and Donald will rule us forever. I’m so confused.”
“I know vaccines cause autism- all my friends know that, just like we know the earth is flat, but somehow, they’re putting mind control and tracking chips in with the vaccine. But, as #fetuser says, its all a plandemic, to control us - but how does giving us autism help control us? Really my head is starting to spin, just like the earth doesn’t. And don’t get me started on the CIA mind control rays, why do they need them if they use chips to control us anyway? I’d like to believe, I’ll never be a Sheeple, believing, so called scientists, (rhymes with Satanists, almost), but where’s a girl to turn to find the real truth?”
Fact checkers can relax- Trump provides no facts to check
Aspokesobsessive elaborated: “Normally we’re very busy with politicians, sorting out truth from lies, but with Trump it’s simple- there are no facts to check- just fantasy.”
In a typical hour long stream of consciousness ramble, he claimed: “We’ve beaten the virus.”, “Coronavirus is afraid of me”, “Biden is actually a Chinese robot”, “I’ve brought happiness to Latinos”, “I saved you from an invasion by the Lizard People” and “I’m a successful self made man” fact checkers were observed glassy eyed. “We only have to devote a small part of our concentration, in case he says anything true, but on past form we have little to worry about.”
OzPravda can reveal the reason: Team Trump employs lie checkers. We managed to track them down. “We don’t want to confuse his supporters. If we let anything true pass his lips it would distress them- they love his lies, it’s great entertainment. Like the preacher that claims giving him money will result in salvation, or the carnival barker promising the greatest show on earth- you know it’s a lie, but they’re so charismatic, so you cough up anyway."
Exxon plays to strength – Chooses evil as corporate strategy
A Spokescarbon elaborated: “When you think Exxon, you think Exxon Valdez, buying politicians, funding climate deniers and a deep and intense love of money. In short, evil gives us brand recognition. You know when you see Exxon on a ship, or a building - something profoundly bad for the humanity is happening. We need to leverage that into brand awareness.” Exxon executives will be retitled demons, and the CEO, Beelzebub in chief.
“In light of Shell and BP pivoting to renewables and pledging climate neutrality, we stand out. Yes, we’re going to pump every last bit of CO2 into the atmosphere we can, until the earth boils, quite handy for hell. If we also trash a bit of rainforest, or spill a bit of oil on a pristine coastline- that’s just icing on the evil-cake. Our old logo has to go though. We’re thinking something like a man-goat hybrid with a pitchfork.”
A Republican party politician commented: “See that Mercedes, I call it the ExXon, same with the swimming pool and mansion. I’ve got to say, evil sure pays well. Global warming is a- a socialist plot!! I just gotta to say that once a day and the river of cash keeps flowing. Aren’t they great!”
Amazon to deliver customers to warehouses
Lord Bezos himself has unloaded the hotly anticipated news: Using information gleaned from millions of Alexas, drones will patrol the streets waiting to pick up customers in need of goods: ”We’ll know when you’ve been talking about buying a lawnmower, and without you even ordering anything, an Amazon drone will whisk you to the warehouse to take delivery of your goods. Non paying customers will be put to work in Amazon workshops until they’ve paid their debts. This will help the economy…somehow. We’ve taken a leaf from the Chinese government's book; get those troublemakers locked up and working.”
Explaining the logic, the Retail Master continued: “We’ve tried all sorts of things to get goods to customers quickly, but, frankly it’s all too hard. Sometimes people have retail thoughts and don't follow through and sometimes, and this is the most tragic part..” The Master wiped away a heartfelt tear of sorrow. “Sometimes they don’t buy anything at all, or buy it from someone else.” It’s my duty, and the duty of every homo sapien, to buy from Amazon. We’re half way there.”
The Covies: awards for Covid19’s best allies - Trump, Sweden, Murdoch, China -all win.
A spokescapsid gushed: “Imagine Trump saying I was going to disappear and nothing to worry about. We at the Covies couldn’t be more grateful. We’ve been able to embrace so many more.”
Sweden was a controversial choice, but, with 10 times more deaths than next door Norway, a richly deserved one. “Sweden was relaxed about me and my Covid friends. We loved that about Sweden- we had a great time there, particularly in aged care- like an non stop party. Fantastic. They've been a great example for everyone”
“From Fox News, to “The Australian” to the rabid, drooling columnists of Murdoch’s news organs, all good friends. Every lockdown was a “tyranny”, masks as “shackles” and business closures as “fascism”, they were like our own public relations department. Thanks so much Rupert.”
“Let’s not forget the Chinese government. They kept our little secret for so long we could spread joy around the world. They were even kind enough to lock up some of the people who found us. Without allies like that, life is hard. As a special bonus, they’re keeping wet markets open- so pretty soon one of my cousins will come calling. We’re very happy with Chairman Xi”
New virus variant: US Covid 19 virus demands right to bear arms, ignore science.
In an exciting new development, Covid 19 is starting to resemble its hosts. US variants are exercising their sub-micron right to bear arms. Chinese government variants have occupied the liver as their “historical right” and imprisoned millions of other viruses in “RNA re-education camps”.
A spokesnucleod for the US Virus remarked: "No vaccine is going to hurt us, I tell you it’s just a plot by the bacterial Illuminati to take our precious genetic material."
Meanwhile, Chinese viruses have been industriously building a “viral island” in the spleen to cement their territorial claim.
Influencers declared vermin
The Department of Agriculture has declared influencers as vermin that can be shot on sight. Sick of influencers hogging beauty spots and trampling flowers for the perfect backdrop, many have said the move is long overdue. A spokesgrain explained: “They’re breeding like rabbits, even my dog has three thousand followers for his “Postman flavoured meaty bites” account. And speaking of rabbits, have you looked at my 'Rabbits for all occasions' YouTube channel?”
Interrupting the shilling of Prada forks, $3,000 a night hotels, gold plated iPhones, and clothes costing as much as a new car, a Spokesnarcissist commented: “Of course, we do deserve it, but we’re all so pretty and muscly, how else to get girls to spend three hours in front of the mirror without us? How could you convince guys to live for the gym otherwise? We perform a public service.”
According to projections from the Institute of Science, on present trends, the world will be three deep with influencers by the year 2030; each person will have ten million followers. Work will cease, as the world’s population tries to convince each other to buy Gucci underwear.
Chinese govt. declares living rooms are “Traditional Chinese territory”
A spokesinvasion for Emperor Xi expanded on the idea: “Since time immemorial, the world’s loungerooms have belonged to the middle kingdom, or at least since last week when comrade Lee came up with the idea.”
“We will be installing a party member on every sofa, to ensure the safety of Chinese property. To help you become civilised, there will be Leninism lessons in the morning, and thoughts of Chairman Xi in the afternoon. No need to thank us - being able to bring the benefits of Chinese civilisation to you idiots is thanks enough.”
Since seizing much of the world’s ocean “Cause, who’s going to stop us?” to quote the head of the People’s Liberation Army, the Chinese military and government have been making increasingly bold claims. Representatives of Native Americans and Australian Aboriginals added: “I wonder where they got the idea of seizing things -truly a mystery.”