Stop and smell the flowers... literally💐

3/31/25

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽 

Since it's the last day of March, it's looking at thunderstorms and rain this evening, as well as rain in the upcoming week (not all week, at least)…. 

I wanted to reminisce on a great memory from March to prepare me for the springtime weather that will soon be here. 

I attended a flower show in a city near mine with two close friends. I'm not familiar with this city, and neither were my friends, so starting off with the travel to the flower show was a little stressful. 

I kept thinking that I couldn't wait to be parked and not in this city traffic. 

Once we parked and walked to the flower show, we waited in line to check in, and I was very excited to see the exhibits. 

As we walked into the expo center floor, I was in awe of how beautiful it looked! The first thing we did was stop to take pictures and selfies (no surprise there, right?). 

As we made our way through the floral art exhibits, there was just a sea of people. Crowds like that make me a bit anxious. Even as someone always at comic or anime cons, I'm not a big fan of being around large groups. 

I saw such amazing art exhibits, and I was just in awe of the creativity that was put into these exhibits. I was lucky enough to snap a few photos of some exhibits on my phone, but I could not see all of them. As I was walking, I would view the lines and the mini crowds in front of some exhibits and try to look for a way in and out. So I would find myself walking past and just wanting to get out of the congestion area. So we breezed through the exhibits faster than I thought we spent there. 

Looking back, I wasn't very mindful since all my mind was thinking about was getting away from big crowds. Remembering trying to be mindful while at this flower show's art exhibit, I remember rushing myself and trying to "see" it but not really "seeing" it. I would look at the exhibit for a few seconds and move on because of the number of people. 

I failed to practice mindfulness that day, but I am not beating myself up about it because sometimes I can't always be mindful. I was slightly anxious, so that's another reason I'm not beating myself up about it. 

Mindfulness is an important aspect of DBT, and every time my therapist discusses practicing mindfulness, my automatic Randy Jackson response is, "That's a no from me, dawg." I tell him mindfulness has always been a struggle for me, as my brain is always busy thinking of x, y, and z. As an individual who has high-functioning depression/anxiety/BPD, I push myself to be very involved, which causes a continuous to-do list, which helps me not focus on being emotional. Still, it makes it extremely hard for me to be mindful. 

While talking with my therapist, I told him that I really want to improve my mindfulness and mentioned that I plan to start going to yoga classes. I think he was all about that decision and told me that he thought that was a wonderful idea. 

So, my friends, wish me luck on the start of this mindfulness journey and on not being too sore from yoga (because it's A LOT harder than it looks, but it's really great for one's wellness). 

Until next time, friends! 💝 

‐Jade

P.S. I am sore from Yoga and Barre 

Numb at Heart❤️; Numb in Jaw👄

3/7/25

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽 

Within the last month, I had my six-month dental cleaning. As always, I hated every second of it. This cleaning was different than others in that I have my first cavity that needs to be filled. 27 years and not a single cavity.🤧   

Anyway, I had to get it filled. When I went to that filling appointment, I had to have my gums numbed. I won't go into the details of that because I'm not a fan of remembering either, but once the right side of my mouth was numbed, I just lay there. 

While just lying there, I was thinking about how I physically felt, and it was numb. 

Physically (well, partly), I felt like how I usually feel emotionally. One of the symptoms of BPD is the chronic feeling of emptiness, numbness, and nothing. 

When I tell people that I feel numb, empty, or nothing, they usually don't understand. Sometimes, they tell me I have to have feelings, plus it's me. An emotionally based person (which I know I am)  

It can be hard to believe, but I don't feel emotions a lot of the time. The only time that I can feel emotions is during "extremes." It can be hard to explain, but there's a quote from the Canadian poet Rupi Kaur (I LOVE her work);   

"I don't know what living a balanced life feels like. 

When I am sad, I don't cry; I pour. 

When I am happy, I don't smile; I glow. 

When I am angry, I don't yell; I burn. 

The good thing about feeling in extremes is when I love, I give them wings, but perhaps that isn't such a good thing because they always tend to leave, and you should see me when my heart is broken;

I don't grieve; I shatter." 

- Rupi Kaur. 

Being an emotionally driven individual who has a lot of emotions (but also mostly feels empty) and who also struggles with emotional regulation is confusing and difficult. Sometimes, it's really hard for me to control a situation emotionally, and it causes me to lash out, react poorly, and lose control, and I don't like losing control. 

A way to cope with all of my trauma and overwhelming amounts of emotions that I experience is to be numb. Feeling numb and empty sometimes feels nice, and it's a huge relief. Still, it's a learned coping and defensive mechanism because continuously going through the motions and my autonomic nervous system getting worked up all the time can be exhausting. 

And it is. 

It really is. 

So that's the "why" behind my feelings of nothing or numbness. I get asked from time to time, What do I mean by that? Emotionally, I feel numb. While it's self-explanatory, it can be a complex concept for others to comprehend since it may not be something they are used to feeling. Not everyone has skills in empathy and emotional intelligence. 

I can now explain the feeling you get when the dentist numbs your gums to fill a cavity or when you have to get any medical procedure done that requires numbing; that's how it feels. 

Just numb and nothing else. 

Until next time, friends! 💝 

‐Jade