May 2024

Hope🤍

5/22/24

👋🏽Hello friends!👋🏽

Hope to me feels like a double-edged sword concept. Do I have hope that things will get better? Yes. But in cases where it comes to romantic relationships (which is my #1 trigger), hope can be devastating. 

Another friend of mine asked me a few days ago if I wanted to see NF's Hope Tour, which was happening close by. And I almost instantly said yes. I was introduced to NF in 2015/2016 by an ex-boyfriend. I actually visited the college that I was at during that year (I was at this college for 2 years before transferring), and that was my first technical concert. Now, almost 8 years later, in 2024, I got to see NF perform as a famous rapper in my first official concert. 

If you don't know or are familiar with NF, I would describe his music as relatable, raw, and eye-opening. Mostly relatable. The feeling that you have of "Omg, he understands," "I'm not alone," or "I feel like they are talking to me" is inspirational. This is one thing that I've always loved about NF. Throughout the years, I never went out of my way to listen to his new songs (to be honest, I don't do this for any artist), but I always enjoyed hearing them when they were played. 

Now, this album is called Hope, and after all his previous albums and songs have been about his struggles and are "dark," this album is more about resilience and hope, but it still includes his struggles. NF usually performs his songs in all black, but for this tour, he wore a majority of white to symbolize hope.

I love artists like this. I had an amazing time at the concert, and I can say I have a more empowered mindset that I can do this. 

Until next time, friends!💝

‐Jade 

A Picture-Perfect Day🖼️

5/22/24

👋🏽Hello friends!👋🏽

So a friend and I decided to go to this kite festival this past weekend. We met up at this park a few towns over where the festival was held, but we got there a bit earlier than it started. We decided to bring some things to do and snacks. If you know anything about me, I love and need to be organized and prepared. I bought a ton of things to do just in case we got done painting early (spoiler alert, we didn't). 

Once we laid out our blankets and set everything out, we decided to paint, and of course, the first 30 minutes were spent finding the perfect painting to create. After we found what we wanted to paint, we had music playing, and the snacks opened. 

The weather for the day was perfect. Not too hot, not too cold, a slight breeze and the sun wasn't obnoxious. I can't tell you how free it felt to not worry about anything. It was such a great feeling to be with friends and just have fun. Living with BPD, I always have a worry or an item on my agenda that I need to get done. So days like this, which I didn't have, are seriously a treat, and I'm very grateful to be able to have them. 

I've been struggling with some personal issues lately that have a higher chance of triggering my BPD symptoms or a BPD, anxiety, or depression episode. So after days of being an anxious mess, barely eating, barely getting out of bed, this day was very much needed. 

Being mindful and present has always been such a hard thing for me since I stay busy to distract myself from my problems. I also have extreme guilt that if I'm not doing anything, I'm not being useful, and then, essentially, I'm worthless. I know, it doesn't make sense. 

The mind can really mess you up. 

So not only did I have an amazing time, strengthening my friendship, creating a beautiful art piece, and enjoying the weather, but I also practiced one of my DBT skills without trying since it was automatic. 

I am happy to say that I am one step further in my recovery journey, and that's pretty awesome. 

Until next time, friends!💝

‐Jade 

Agent of "Time Traveling" ⌚

5/17/24

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

A trend that I've noticed pretty recently is that my time awareness is completely off.

I'm not sure if that's due to the dissociation or something else. I just put two to two together pretty recently and realized that my poor time awareness is most likely due to my dissociation.

This is a little bit deeper than forgetting what day of the week it is; it's more like forgetting what day of the week it is, the time of day, and what you did an hour ago...

Sometimes, when I text my "Favorite Person" (or F.P.) and I'm waiting for their response, minutes can feel like hours and days can feel like weeks. And I'm unfortunately not exaggerating this. Once I hadn't heard back from (at the time) F.P. for what felt like weeks, I had an anxiety attack. After I had a little anxiety breakdown over not hearing back from my FP, I realized that it has only been two days and not the week as I thought it would be.

📖What's a Favorite Person or F.P. ?

When I first learned what a F.P. was, I was told that it was a person who was your go-to person. And this goes beyond just knowing you can rely on them; it starts to become the person you ALWAYS go to first and expect them to help and give validation.

If I had to pick an emoji to describe how I feel about my F.P., this would be it.: ❤️‍🔥

(Only became my F.P. is always the person I'm talking to or with, and I love hard fast.)

Want to learn more about the term "Favorite Person" or the BPD and Favorite person relationship?

Click Here to Learn more: Understanding the BPD Favorite Person Relationship (verywellmind.com)📖

There's no wonder why my FP would get irritated; it's only understandable. I do feel bad that I keep doing this to them, and it can eventually create a lot of tension in the relationship. For some reason, when it comes to my FP, I get this extreme urgency to text them and basically check to see if they still like me.

Sometimes a whole day can go by, and I get asked about my day. I sit there for a moment, and I can't recall anything I did for the day. It's blank; there's nothing there.

I can't fully describe how it feels to not be able to remember how your day even went. It feels so weird knowing there are so many gaps in your memory. It's like you know parts of your life are missing and you can't seem to find them. Overall, it's just strange and hard to explain if you aren't used to it.

Until next time, friends! 💝

‐Jade

Yet another "Sick Day" Request 🤒

5/13/24

👋🏽Hello Friends! 👋🏽

I've recently had minor surgery, and I've had to take sick and remote days for recovery. However, I have also taken sick days when I wasn't mentally okay. I do try to push through, but there are days when I truly can't. 

Recently, I was on a break between graduate school terms, and I was also going through something minor in my personal life. I was unable to get motivated to do anything at all. Unmotivated to do work, get out of bed, and even do something fun like play video games or watch anime. 

For some reason, I was also physically sick to my stomach. I've been having a little more anxiety spells than I normally do (due to a personal issue in my life), and that has been causing digestive issues and a lack of wanting to eat. This sickness has lasted about a little over a week now. Now, the sickness is not happening all day and comes in waves, but it has been there for days. 

I've been putting heating pads on my stomach, eating a more bland diet, resting when I can, and taking over-the-counter stomach medications. 

It's all the same. I've thought I've got either food poisoning, a stomach bug from someone, an infection from my surgery, or it's all just my anxiety. I wish there was an easier way to figure it out. 

I decided to ask to leave work early because of my stomach pains, I was having some chest tightening pains, and I could not get any ounce of motivation to do anything. It would be better if I went home because it's not like I was doing anything anyway. I hate feeling like a deadweight to my colleagues, but I need to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else. 

I got permission from one of my bosses (don't ask me why I have bosses and not a boss; it's complicated) to leave early and take sick time. I did something for the next day in the hope of being of use somewhere, put my time in, and left. While I was driving home, I felt my chest tightening even more. No matter how many deep breaths I took and how many times I said to myself, "I am okay. I am safe." The pain didn't go away. I got home, put a heating pad on my stomach, and slept for 3 hours. 

The night before this day, I had a dream that I recently met with one of my bosses, and they told me I was still performing "okay." And a close colleague and friend of mine told me that they were getting ready to fire me. When I woke up, I didn't really have any reaction to it or care; it didn't affect me.... until I was leaving. 

I started to get anxious, wondering if I was starting to be at risk of losing my job. Maybe that causes the chest pain to strengthen. 

I feel that as someone who is high functioning with mental health conditions, there's always a fear in the back of my mind. Since I'm high-functioning, I feel that it can be hard for my bosses to remember that I have mental health issues that can affect my daily life. And it can be forgotten that I do try my best to keep my feelings in check, but sometimes being at my office isn't the best environment for me to calm down. 

I feel that a lot of employers aren't educated on mental health conditions and how much they affect their productivity and work environment. And while some employers might know this, they don't always know how to go about working alongside the mental health condition.

I'm hoping one day I'll be able to help some employers realize the importance of being open and accepting of mental health conditions in employees and the importance of mental health days. Maybe one day!

Until next time, friends! 💝

-Jade