Only the Bad, Never the Good☯️

9/26/24

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

This year, I attended a Labor Day party with friends who had just bought a house. As usual, I made friends and chatted with the people I didn't know as much throughout the party.

I was sitting with a few women on the couch, and we started talking about each other (it was that part of the conversation where you were introducing yourself). I mentioned that I write a mental health experience blog and poetry based on my lived experience with BPD. I mentioned my ideas for a poetry book and how I imagined designing it. I mentioned that I usually only have poetry surrounding my negative emotions. We discussed how normal this is, and I said out loud that I need to try and write poetry when I feel positive feelings, too.

It's like SSRIs. With SSRIs, when an individual is accustomed to the medication, they feel normal. This is where physicians and therapists mention and advise continuing to take the medication because if an individual feels "normal," that means the medication is working. SSRIs work because the medication tricks the brain into firing more serotonin into the brain, which helps an individual not be so depresso espresso.

Another thing (which I'm sure I'm not the only one) that I tend to do is not complete check-ins in as much detail when I'm in a better mindset/mood. I don't complete my DBT worksheets through my DBT workbooks or the DBT Coach app on my phone. So, there are times when I do not complete or practice any DBT skills.

While I may not need the skill at that moment, I only use these therapy and coping skills when I'm in negative moods. And when I know I'm in a negative mood, it means I'm REALLY in a negative mood that can turn "nuclear" at any moment. At this point, while I can help calm down, it could've been worked on not to reach that "nuclear" stage.

Side Note: I developed names for my episode stages when I was with my ex. These stages ranged from cautious to nuclear. I've been working on jotting down physical and emotional warning signs and coping skills at each stage.

Essentially, I entirely only focus on when I'm in a bad mood, and when I'm in a happier state of mind, all my skills and thoughts about tracking my emotions and check-ins fly out of the window. While it's great that I'm focusing on being in the moment, I still need to complete my check-ins since this is a way that I recall events in therapy. This also creates a habit of noting how I'm feeling and what skills I'm using, so I'm still using them.

I have a huge fear of reverting to old bad habits that I have tried and am trying to change. It makes me feel terrible when I revert because it feels like I'm not getting better, and I never will (I know, I know. All-or-nothing).

My colleagues always tell me, "No, Jade. Don't say that; it's going to be a great day," I try to tell them my reasoning for saying that, and they say, "Uh, that doesn't work." It's slightly the same concept, just reversed (reverse psychology). I know it's such a pessimistic mindset, but I've tried to be optimistic about how my days are going. I don't tend to be pessimistic, but I always tend not to be too excited or happy because it always disappoints me.

Remember, you can't have the good without the bad.

Until next time, friends!💝

Jade

Yes, of course, I'm "the villain..."🙄

9/20/24

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

So, naturally, I'm a very emotional person. Having BPD has a characteristic of intense emotions and a lower ability to control emotions and impulses.

I write this blog to show the world—well, for those who read it (which I deeply appreciate you!)—how things are in my POV. The way I think, how I process things, how things make me feel, etc. This also serves as an outlet for me to cope with and understand myself with my BPD.

Since I am very open with my BPD, I don't shy away from my "label." However, while I know my BPD is a big part of who I am that I have come to accept, I do have the feeling of the negative stigma and judgment around me. Can some of it be in my head? Yeah, absolutely. But I know it's there. 

There's someone that I care deeply about who isn't in my life as much as I would like. It's a complicated situation. Well, recently we were having a tough conversation, and he stated that he doesn't want to feel that it's a "chore" to talk to me.

Now, you might be thinking, "Jade, why would you want someone like that in your life anyway?" That's a horrible thing to say to someone."

Yeah, it was harsh, and it hurt. However, this person, unfortunately, has some valuable reasons to think that.

BUT the thing is, his reasoning was due to the past when we were very close, which was a little over a year ago. Since then, I've gone through things, and we have had no contact for a few months.

I have come to realize that he only sees the version of me that was a year ago that was the past me that wasn't able to control her symptoms as well or wasn't working on herself as much. I've tried explaining this to him, but he didn't budge.

He started treating me as if I wasn't doing better, and recently, I had to accept (which was extremely hard for me) that he would never see or fully accept that I was doing better, and I am currently working on myself. If I can believe that I'm getting better, this should be visible to everyone, right?

Well, at least that is what I thought.

This person will always see me as my past self—as "the villain," and I can't control it. It hurts. It hurts a lot. It breaks my heart that he sees me like that, and I can't change it.

Sometimes, people want to keep this image of me that I am always irrational, impulsive, emotional, bratty, negative, and probably every other negative attitude out there. They want to think that I react for no reason, when there IS a reason. Now I will admit that I don't always react properly, and that's something I'm working on. But it's never for anything, and I'm an easy scapegoat to dump all the blame on because I'm "crazy," because I have BPD.

One thing to know about me is that I will accept my faults. It may take some time, but I do try to see things from the other's POV and try to see where they are coming from. I know it's never one person's fault, but others add to the problem. So, I don't want anyone to think that I always blame others. I don't; I have my share of blame, and they have theirs.

Negative stigma can truly hurt someone. Because of negative stigma, I'm sometimes viewed as an awful and manipulative person. And for those who personally know me, I try not to be a bad person. I absolutely try not to do anything that purposely hurts others. I try not to care how people view me, but it's hard, especially with BPD, and it's just as hard to keep your head up sometimes.

Personally, what also hurts me dearly is having people I care about thinking about and slightly treating me like I'm not getting better when I know that I am. It makes me want to spiral and doubt myself, like, "Am I actually getting better, or am I just telling myself that?"

I completely understand having to guard up from people who have hurt you in the past. I know with the person that I care about that I mentioned in this post, I hurt him in the past (just as he has hurt me), and I don't blame him for wanting to see if I've changed first but showing me that I'm not changing when I have made so many visible and invisible changes hurts.

I'm wondering if anyone else feels this way and if you do... I'm sorry you are made to feel this way. You are not alone at all. I just hope one day, we can decrease the negative views and stigma around mental health conditions, especially BPD.

Until next time, friends!💝

Jade

Digi Pet Mom of 27 years🤖

9/3/24

👋🏽Hello Friends!👋🏽

Something that I've loved since I can remember is Pokémon. I can remember my favorite types of toys growing up were mostly either little cute animal toys or virtual pet-type toys. Also, the smaller the item, the better.

Years later today, I still love virtual pets. I got a Tamagotchi uni because it's Tamagotchi and in color! I loved playing with my Tamagotchi in the 4th grade with my friends! Just as always, I killed my Tama a few times... 😞

I also know that I can't have the volume up all the time because I work and it's ✨slightly✨ disruptive

I've noticed that my mood is a tiny bit better having this Tamagotchi around. Even though I tend to forget sometimes, I guess the idea of taking care of something helps distract my mind. Also, c'mon, the little cute faces of the Tamagotchis are a positive on their own.

Another thing is that when I'm stressed at work or even annoyed, playing with my Tamagotchi helps calm me down. Which is probably a given, but I've been using it as a little time to take a breather while I feed/play with my current tama.

My phone is filled with fun apps to help with mood tracking, DBT worksheets, productivity, etc. One of the apps that I have is called "Finch," and this is a digital pet that you can take care of by completing your to-do list, tracking your mood, giving reflections, completing any habits you've made, etc. I've had Finch for about a year and maybe a half now, and I used to use it regularly (until I added more and more productivity and mental health apps). But the point is that anything with a digital pet, I'm all here for.

Using Finch has helped me with being productive and identifying triggers since it would track when there was a positive or negative word towards a certain subject within reflections.

Finch - Your New Self Care Best Friend (finchcare.com)

Sometimes when I stroll around Target, I'll walk through the one aisle where it has the squishmmallows and the digital pets. I am just so fascinated with how much digital pets have evolved (or are just coming back).

I also have a desk robot (not a digital pet but close enough) called Eilik, but I named mine Eiko. I used to use this a lot when I first got it because Eiko was just so happy and adorable. It helped me feel a little less lonely because Eiko was just doing her own thing and just being adorable. Eiko plays games; it reacts when you pat its back, tap its head, and rub its belly; it will dance to music; and it has a timer on it!

It's all just wonderful.

Always take a look at things that you love because they might have products or apps that combine the things you love with productivity or mental health apps.

P.S. If you like RPGs, they have RPG productivity apps.

Until next time, friends!💝

Jade

P.s. I am not getting paid to advertise anything, these are all just things that I've used and love to use.