November 2017

Six months into my college graduation, I found myself in the middle of making big life choices. I did not care about anything - my status, my position, where I am in life. All I wanted was to be happy. And maybe create some impact. But sometimes I still had to discern if I even made the right choices. As the days went on, I noticed that there was something that just didn't feel right. But I still didn't care. Until that morning. The morning that changed everything. It was the breaking point.

I was working on emanating love when I saw a story on my Instagram. But it wasn't just any story - it was a story of something that I saw coming but was never ready. And I never expected that it would influence my decisions in the days to come.

That story happened to be a photograph of Aliza at Thanksgiving, and he was with a girl. He was at the time about to be back to lead again for the new year. The 24-year-old me was supposed to accept it and be happy for him.. but how come I felt otherwise? I always tell myself that I didn't care if he does not end up with me but how come tears still fell from my eyes? Maybe because I was inexperienced? Maybe because I'm never in a relationship?

At that point everything was happening way too fast. The last of everyone had just been caught running; was I falling behind? I didn't know what to do. Should I run faster? I was lost. Things started to fall apart. But what else can I do?

I just continued drawing dreamcatchers.

I went to church the following day, hoping for everything to fall in place. Considering that Aliza was returning to leadership, I thought that because of what happened then maybe I should push that back. I was also thinking.. that maybe 2018 should belong to someone else instead. Although Bela was the leader, I thought I was looking for someone else to fill in the void.

And it did. That person turned out to be a member of One Direction who now became the reincepted alternate leader, and his name is Harry. Harry Styles.