JANUARY

I was at a public school with my family at midnight. It was our first time seeing fireworks outside home, and so was chanting as soon as the calendar changed. On the last few minutes of 2017, I went to a corner to say goodbye. And when the clock strikes twelve, I put on my hood like Taylor Swift would do. This is it. Goodbye, 2017. And hello to a new beginning that I hoped it would be. Hello, 2018.

Well, it's 12:40 am. What now? I thought someone was supposed to be back.

"I'm sorry, but the old Aliza is now already gone."

Aliza returned to leadership like we expected him to, after weeks of counting down to that day. This includes, for the first time in three years, me having to spend Christmas without him. Before New Year's Day, I told myself I was ready to face whatever that's in him - position, plans and status. But I was not even sure. But I tried my best. On the next day, I found myself questioning my decision to bring him back.

I have already noticed as he was leading that Aliza was losing his relatability, but at that moment I realized that his second run may not make any sense. He has already done so much.. so what else can he do? Should I still keep my faith in the leadership? Or maybe it was about time? Maybe time that was already way overdue. As it went on, things went worse. I was now even re-examining his existence. I can just get over him if I had to, but how come it was not easy?

Several days of crying went by. I felt more and more insecure, to the point of even regretting choices I have made. I suddenly thought of myself as someone who do not deserve to be loved. I began to desire unrealistic things. Because I did not know myself. And I did not know who he was. WHO IS HE?? And everything suddenly went out of control, until..

..until he became my tear.

I've said sorry.. but my inner flame was still burning. At that point I didn’t even know what was happening. Even if I already did everything.

I prayed for everything to fall in place.