Convent, The (2000)

The Convent (2000)

8/10

**** Spoiler-like materials may be included **** Wow. I didn't go to Catholic school, but dang there was some repressed rage going on. "Guns, Nuns, & Gasoline" indeed. Not to mention bats to the head. Ooops, getting ahead of myself. Girls and ladies, I have to warn you that this will probably be an un-politically correct review. I apologize in advance for any travesties I may inflict upon you.

Let's do the characters first. We have Clorissa ('Clo'), who is the good girl. We have Mo, Clo's ex-best friend and current gothy and weird chick. Frijole is the druggie, who cares kinda guy ('Druggie'). Adrienne Bareau is the wise women (also the chickie who flamed the convent in the beginning of the movie). Coolio is a cop(!) who protests the use of weed(!). Unbelievable performance there. "Why! Why!" It's a toss up between Coolio and Sual (the Dairy Queen Lord of Darkness). Brant, Clo's brother who is pledging Druggie's frat is not too bad, either, especially when he gets a wedgie and exclaims "Good one Brad, that one went all the way up my ass!" And, of course, there is mear for the grinder.

The characterisations are what you would expect, though Clo doesn't fold quite as easily a wet paper towel. She has a bit 'o moxie. Another bit of fun is found when Saul's "evil" partner tries to figure out a way to avoid the virgin sacrifice with Brant. FYI, Saul's partner is also a guy.

This movie does not have monkeys, but it does have a pug, my favorite type of dog. It lost a point for no monkeys and the dog was not nice.

I suppose I should review the actual movie. The movie starts off with a Catholic girl bludgening, shooting, and burning an entire Convent of nuns. Excellent. Hop forward 30 some years, and said Convent is now an urban myth. Above characters go to said Convent to supposedly paint their frat letters on the tower (fairly hard when you don't actually bring any paint, but I digress) and eventually get caught by the cops. Except for Mo, who is caught by faux devil worshippers led by Saul, the Most Might of All Dairy Queen Demons. Just that little bit should have got this movie an Oscar. If you have seen this movie, were you not waiting for him to break out into "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer"? Trust me, it makes sense in a sick way.

So Mo is all tied up (my better sense says to not comment upon that at this time) by the Devil dudes/dudettes, and the rest of the cast have been let go by the cops and have gone to a diner. Eggs and bacon abound, but Clo wants to go back and rescue Mo (again, better sense does not let me wonder why). Meanwhile, jingling Devil Dairy boy actually gets his mojo on

******* Super Duper Double Dip Spoiler Action ****** Skip to next asteriks to avoid

Well, killing people in a cursed Convent is not such a good idea. Tends to re-animate the dead into blacklighted demon freaks who likes 'em some blood. I have heard complaints about the shower scene, such as just move out of the hot water. Yeah, yeah, where's the fun in that, I ask? After much death and such, Brant and Devil Sickkick-boy get set up to be virgin sacrifices to bring the son of Satan back to Earth and blah blah. Clo goes and gets Adrienne, they come back and kick ass, save her brother and the world, and finally the possessed (huh?) dog rips out Clo's throat. The end.

****** End of Tasty Treat Spoilers ********

So we have the kids in a diner, but Clo has to go back to get her friend Mo. It's a Clo Mo moment (sorry). Of course things go wrong on Dairy Queen Devil Dumbass's part and he wakens all kinds of demon nun things. (What, you didn't see that coming with a title like "The Convent"?) Of course the kids go back and happy slice time ensues. Clo has to get Adrienne (remember her, she of the beginning movie slaughter?) to help out, and much fun is held by all. Except for the people who had their faces ripped off.

One of the best parts of the movie is when Adrienne recounts what happened when she was at school before she went all Waco on it- a ghost/demon infected one nun and it then spread to the rest. The effects of this were highly amusing, at least to me, since it took movie Catholic-high-school discipline to number 11. There is also flying panties and Christ on a cross cursing out some people, but these things happen. Anyone who likes the song "Dream Weaver" should be pleased.

Tallies- gratuitous breasts- some. Psychotropic trips- 1. Bad doggy- 1. Misplaced flashlight- 1. Bullets Coolio shoots at "you demon bitch" - 3. Mentions of $5 dollars, oh forget it.

Ya know, you can't unsee a nun being dragged by a motorcylce, so this is a definent keeper. I first saw it at an all night movie fest before it was released on DVD, and I waited for the release to get it. The commentary track is also well done, and funny. Not really nun-sploitation, per se, so you nun nuts will be disappointed (did I just write that sentence?). The beginning drags trying to set up the characters, which could have been cut since, well, they die soon after. Once the action gets going, except for a bit of exposition, it comes fast and furious. (Zombie/cheerleader/nun, yikes).

Acting is really not a concern here, since it's either over-the-top sterotypes or playing nun/demon things. The one exception is Saul (Dairy Queen of Darkness) who I would have loved to see more of. I loved the effects; other reviewers thought that the black light was overused and/or silly. I loved it. Guess it's your own preference. As I already stated, pacing varies and takes a while to ramp up.

Overall, a darn good independent movie. Good effects, ok storyline, ok actors, and a whole lot of good one-liners. You may want to rent before buying depending on your taste, but I would go with the buy because it has good re-watch value.

Dialogue:

Druggie- "Do you know karate, 'cause that ass is kickin'".

Coolio- "I cast you out, demon bitch!" Blam blam blam.

Brant- "Good one Brad! That one went all the way up my ass!"