Worst Horror Movie Ever Made, The
(-1/10; Yes, so far this is my only negative valued review. As of March 2011)
***Warning- some disturbing things happen in the movie, and in this review.
Yes, that is the actual title of the movie, and is also a very good description of said "movie".
Don't worry about characters or spoilers- it really is all moot.
The title of this movie is not entirely correct because it's not horror, I'm not sure you can call it a movie, as it was more likely crapped out of a cow rather than 'made'. I do agree with the terms 'The' and 'Worst', however. This movie is so stupid and basically incomprehensible that my DVD player shot itself and my TV imploded. I have watched many bad movies. This was "Battlefield Earth", "Ishtar", and "Zombie Lake" combined, only worse. This was a movie made by (supposedly) grown adults to specifically look really bad. "Not hard to do", you say? Utter fail. Remember when you were a kid and made plays or movies with your action figures and/or dolls? Those were better.
The movie starts off with a bunch of bickering people complaining about not using the bathroom, or only one person can use the bathroom at a time. Whatever. Then people start going to the bathroom and getting killed. A girl says she has to go so bad, that the hostess tells her she can pee off the porch, but make sure not to hit her car below. The girl then proceeds to ready herself to pee like a man at a urinal over the edge. Huh? A guy with 4 inch fake eyebrows attacks her with, no I'm not kidding, a hatchet made out of tinfoil. After 'impaling' her head, he tells her to "squirm baby", and she does like a fish out of water (all the time you can see her smiling and holding back laughter).
Now most of the original people are dead, a cop shows up and chases the 2 remaining survivors. "Modern Day Jesus" pops up, with some conflict with Muslims and a crucifiction. A girl gets attacked in the bathroom by her own crap (literally)- it's a biggish Mr. Hanky puppet doll. Guy tries to fight it off with toilet paper and a plunger. Girl says "No, it's afraid of your tighty whities because you always leave crap streaks in them!" "Oh, yeah, you're right!" Huh? Somehow they get 'crap' (i.e. chocolate sauce) spread on their faces and make out to kill demon crap-boy. Somehow he pops up again later. Got me. No, actually just kill me. Now.
There's another hour or so of moronic crap. I think Jesus was running around in a diaper for a while before he died somehow. The bushy eyebrow guy shows up later to rape the guy survivor from the beginning. A fake vampire girl interrupts some oral sex and dives through a wall. The girl getting the oral sex then somehow straps on a banana and does bad, bad things to the man. Speaking of bananas, earlier a banana peel (just the peel) attacks a guy's face and rips out his eyeball, which a cat eats. And there are various 'demonic' dolls that have ketchup sprayed all over them to be 'scary'. And soldiers that have deep conversations about atheism and separation of church and state, and how Muslims have no worthy god or some such crap. That conversation was so convoluted I'm not even sure what the heck point they were trying to get across. Well, if it was 'soldiers are dumb', that worked. I don't give the film makers that much credit, though.
Now you may think this could be funny. It could have been with a decent script and acting. This is essentially a moron festival. Not funny bizarre, say like "Evil Dead 2", just awful. Do not waste your time on this. Even the one pair of boobs they showed were those fake things guys get for Halloween to pretend to be a girl.
I would give this a negative score if I could.
[Edit- 1/22/2011- After re-reviewing this, I did give it a negative score. My brain, what is left of it, hurts.]
[Edit- 3/26/2011- While retooling this site, I re-read this review. God is merciful, because I do not remember any of this movie. Even I can't believe a movie could be this bad. But I did write it, so...]