Embedded Files
Alien Apocalypse- SyFy Channel version
6/10
I have no idea if the DVD version is any different. You can let me know, 'cause I'm not spending the time to find out. There are some minor spoiler-like substances after the wrap-up at the end. Bruce Campbell as 'Dr. Ivan Hood', aka 'The Doctor'. Renee O'Connor (of "Zena" fame, among others) as 'Kelly' as 'Renee O'Connor'(huh, IMDB?), aka 'Renee'. Peter Jason (of numerous credits) as The President aka "Prez". A whole slew of others with Russian/Slovankian names (wonder where this was shot. To end your suspense.... Bulgaria).
After 40 year in astronauts come back from placing a probe somewheres in space to find that aliens ('Mites',that look like 7 feet tall ant/praying mantises) have taken over Earth to harvest our forests for woods. Astronauts land near Portland. They have enslaved the human population to cut the timber and cut it up into nice 2x4 and 4x6 boards. (Why, I don't know. You would think a nice round, corncob style would be easier on the mandibles). There a few human overseers, and bounty hunters that hunt down free humans for payment on delivery of said humans to the aliens.
Astronauts enslaved and find out the punishments for disobedience- getting a finger cut off for minor infractions, and having the aliens bite off your head whole for larger infractions.
After working for a while, The Doctor decides to escape. Renee gets caught, but The Doctor and random guy escape. They make their way to the "Valley of the Free" or somesuch. The people are either buffoons, deluded, or completely broken. The Doctor learns that the President is hiding away in the nearby Cascade mountains, supposedly gathering forces to counter-attack. The Doctor leads a ragtag group to find the President.
Alien funeral rituals apparently are modeled after head-banging mosh pits. I'm more of New Orleans' style fan, myself.
Umm, the bullet hit a clear 10 inches above his head, yet he has an abdominal gunshot wound? Nice operating technique. Ouch. Bob the Fisherman who doesn't like fish, nice. Even better, a sarcastic hunchback named Wild Bill!
Well, we find the Prez and his cabinet and advisors. They are a sad sack, totally beaten down and hiding. The Doctor and his posse return without the Prez and his "fighting force". That is why I do not go to chiropractors. The group gets back to "Freedom Valley Farms" and tries to rally the people. Fisherman wants to go fishing (this guy REALLY likes to fish!). After a disturbing night-time scene, The Doctor lays down some law (yeah!).
Here we go kids- Attack on Camp 13! (yeah, sue me). The attack is hilarious. I won't ruin it for you, it's the one part of the movie really worth watching. My favorite parts are the one on one fights with the aliens- take away their laser guns and they die like everyone else. And they are extremely vulnerable to arrows. So much for exoskeleton.
This is a fairly entertaining flick. It's Velveeta (R) cheesy, the aliens are not done badly, and Bruce gets to spout some great one-liners. Think "Red Dawn" meets "Mars Attacks", except with less talent (except Bruce) and budget. Feel free to watch it on TV while doing the laundry, but don't spend money on it. Even I, a die hard Bruce fan, won't rent this, even on Netflix. It's a goofy two hours to waste time to while doing something else.
Just remember- "The President lives! The President lives!"
**** Synthetic-like spoiler tastes
-Were did that tank come from?
-Fitting end to the over-seers. :)
-The stupid tank just blew up their own hive? How did these morons take over the Earth in the first place?
-What is this, a clown/alien car?
-Hey, the Prez and his lackeys showed up! Must be an expert bow maker out there somewhere!
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