I have bad eyesight. But I am a visual person.─

I am severely visually impaired. My eyes continue to deteriorate due to a nationally designated incurable disease, Retinitis Pigmentosa (RP). If this condition progresses, I may not be able to see anything in the near future. I have already lost sight in my right eye and my left eye is only around 20/25 with glasses. You might think that 20/25 is pretty good, but in my case, my range of vision (visual field) is very narrow. Normally, people have visual fields of 130 degrees up and down and 150 degrees left and right, but in my case, I only have two degrees, which translates to a visual field loss rate of over 99%. That is like looking at the outside world through the hole in a needle. For example, when I talk with someone face to face, I can only see their left eye. This makes it almost impossible for me to read the changes in the other person's facial expressions. Because of this narrow visual field, I need my white cane when I walk around to make sure that I do not walk into any obstacles.

It might surprise you that I am an educator at a college. This college focuses strongly on education, so although I am mostly involved in lectures and in charge of classes, I am also a researcher. My specialty is life science, and I study various events that occur in living organisms. My research focuses on how cells move and what they look like at a given moment in time. Furthermore, my research partner is a microscope. Picture it. A visually impaired person using microscopes. It seems strange no matter how you put it, but it is true. Even if I am visually impaired, I can still use microscopes with a little improvisation, and I can develop my research using the images and videos captured by the microscopes. It may seem strange to see me with a cane in one hand presenting slide after slide of microscopic images at an academic conference. It is quite ironic for a visually impaired person to show people results that appeal to them visually. Yes, I am a self-proclaimed "visual researcher" whose strength lies in "visualizing" (by the way, I am also somewhat confident in my appearance). Now, I would like to answer the questions on why I chose to use, of all things, microscopes, and why it is possible. But first, I would like to start by talking about my days as a student, when I was diagnosed with RP.

The moment I noticed

I was 22 years old when I was diagnosed with RP. To be precise, it was not a diagnosis, but more of a confirmation. I realized that I had RP on my own. I was a graduate student at the time, and I was reading a book about eyes. It was a book that explained how light entering the eyes is transmitted to the brain and turns into an image. Everything was explained in simple terms. Given that the eyes are referred to as the brain on the outside, it is no wonder they are complex and beautiful.

As I continued reading the book, my hand paused at a certain page. There was a brief description of RP, an incurable disease that causes abnormalities in the retina of the eye. I could not help but reread that part three to four times. Then, I was convinced. “This is me!” I had been feeling a bit of discomfort in my eyes since I was a senior in high school. First of all, I was unable to see things well at night. I often lost my way in dimly lit movie theaters, and when I went to see the Leonid meteor shower with my college friends, I couldn't see a single shooting star even though I could see the stars. I convinced myself that I was simply lacking vitamin A but I still had some doubts. After reading the description of RP many times, I immediately closed my left eye and moved my finger in front of my right eye slowly from side to side, up and down. I also tried it with my left eye. I was positive that a doughnut-shaped area was missing from my vision. This is a loss of visual field typical to RP.

I decided to go to a specialist hospital for confirmation. After a complete examination of my eyesight, visual fields, eye fundus photos, etc., I was officially told that I had RP after a consultation with an ophthalmologist. At that time, I was not so shocked. If anything, I was honestly more relieved to know the cause. Fortunately, as a major in life science, I could understand clearly what was going on with my own eyes. I could easily accept that there was no cure and that there was nothing I could do about it. However, I knew I was in trouble since at the time, I had left my hometown, Okinawa to study at a research university in Tokyo in order to fulfill my dream of becoming a scientist. I was diagnosed just as I was starting on my path to becoming a scientist. I was not sure if I should continue with the doctoral course, but I decided to go as far as I could. I told my mentor about my situation honestly at the time. I shared this awareness with him, and said that I would go on to the doctoral course but that I would drop out if my condition were to suddenly worsen.

It’s a microscope after all…

I joined a laboratory, but in terms of research, I was lost as I could be. I tried a few experiments, but they did not work out, and then I found out that a similar experiment had already been reported from a German group. My research thesis was all over the place.

At that time, there was a conversation about someone introducing a new microscope for a collaboration laboratory in a different institution. Since my colleagues were all busy with their own research, the choice fell upon me. I was curious and wanted to have a look at the new microscope, so I decided to take the offer. At that time, I was still unaware of RP.

I was shocked when I saw the microscope in the collaboration laboratory. I was imagining a beautiful, completed product. However, what I saw in front of me was a heavy custom-designed stage with lenses and parts that I had never seen before. "Is this really a microscope?" I thought to myself. Despite my confusion, the other party began to explain the "microscope".

I am fine with physics, but I am not very familiar with it. I had my worries, but I set out to build the microscope. I bought all the necessary supplies and assembled the rest as I watched and learned. Looking back on it now, it was not a big deal, but since there were no microscope experts in my laboratory, I could only rely on the advice of the other party. Soon, the microscope was successfully assembled. This was the beginning of a long relationship between me and the microscope, which by the way, continues to this day.

Naturally, I began to use the microscope for research, but it was only a few months later that I found out about my RP. In a lab where no one was familiar with microscopes, I, a graduate student with RP, was using microscopes. I was not confident that I could complete this research. If it were possible, I would have preferred to do the experiment without using microscopes, but the trend of the times was very strong.

At that time, single molecule observation was trending in the world of life science. This was a revolutionary technology that allows people to see only one molecule out of the countless molecules that make up an organism, and Japan was leading the world in this field. Everyone was enthusiastic about single molecule observation, and my research was also about that. In order to bring about good results, I had no choice but to follow this trend. I suppressed my feelings, thinking that my eyes would be fine, and decided to go on with my microscope experiments.

However, my handicap as a microscopist was much greater than I had expected: when I was diagnosed with RP, my vision was already severely impaired, with a visual field loss rate of over 95%. The extremely narrow field of vision made it difficult for me to find things even in my daily life. It was no surprise that it took me a long time to find what I was looking for even when looking through a microscope. I have other sad stories to tell. For example, one day, one of my seniors came to look at my experiment. I was looking at the image of the microscope on the monitor, looking for the target object. As soon as she entered the room, she said, "Isn't this it?" She had found the object instantly and was pointing at it. The moment I realized the stark difference between my vision and her was quite disappointing. "Can I really go on like this?" I asked myself. But there was no turning back anymore.

Those who knew me during these days might have thought that I was stuck in a microscope room, eagerly experimenting. Unfortunately, that was not the case. I was just taking my time to observe.

As a side note, my visual impairment affected not only my research, but also my social interactions. Originally, I preferred to work alone, and was more comfortable following my own inclinations than trying to fit in with others. However, after I became aware of RP, I have been spending more time alone, trying not to let people around me know about my visual impairment. Because of my night blindness, I began to go home at night without hanging out with anyone and often refused to go out for drinks. In addition, due to my narrow vision, I had little dynamic vision acuity and stopped participating in recreational activities such as ball games. This is how I became a lone wolf.

An upsetting comment from S-san, whom I respect

There was a man named Shi-san. who started coming in my laboratory one year later I began my microscope project; he retired from a famous microscope company, and he knew everything about microscopes. The more I talked with S-san, the clearer my questions about microscopes became, and the more I could see the situation of each generation. S-san also taught me that the history of microscopes is inevitably connected. I learned the basics of microscopes from him. From lens cleaning methods to the development of new microscopes, there was no end to learning when I was around him. Of course, he also gave us lectures on microscopes. Everyone in the lab who was interested gathered and listened to S-san. Since I was in charge of organizing S-san's lectures, I helped him with each lecture.

He always went home around 3:00 p.m. for family reasons, but one day he asked me to have dinner with him to thank me for helping him with his lectures. I declined the invitation softly, saying that I was grateful to be helping S-san and that I did not need him to be so considerate, but he insisted and would not back down. Thus, I decided to have a meal with him, thinking that it would be lucky to have free food and free drinks.

I was taken to a fancy French restaurant. I enjoyed the moment, even though I felt that that we did not belong there, given the fact that we were surrounded by couples and girls. I was able to listen to S-san talk about his memories, and I felt like I was in a dream because it was such an amazing and luxurious experience. At that moment, S-san suddenly said,

"I wonder what kind of world you will look at with microscopes."

Although it did not show, I was quite upset because it had been several years since I was diagnosed with RP, and I was trying to figure out how to get away from microscope and continue my research carrier. It was at this time that this comment struck me. S-san, sitting across from me, was smiling. There was no way that I could tell him about quitting.

"Well, it would be nice to do something new," I replied.

I gave a vague answer, and it was as if I had not answered the question at all, but this was the best I could do. We then returned to talking about something else.

On the way home from dinner, I said inside my mind, " S-san, you are overestimating me. Not only do I not have that kind of talent, but I also have an eye problem". Looking back, though, I think he may have been a prophet. I am certainly more fascinated by microscopes now than I was then.

It is a microscope after all: Miscalculations in the U.S.

By the time I was in my final year of doctor course, I had a clear idea of my research, and I was thinking about what to do next: Job hunting. I had long told everyone around me that I was going to do research overseas. At the same time, however, I was also thinking about finding a job in a disabled friendly position. Companies with many employees are obligated to hire a certain number of disabled people. All companies were looking for people with disabilities who could work, and there were recruitment agencies for that purpose. As a visually impaired person with a long life ahead of me, it seemed reckless for me to go abroad. I thought that I should get a job at a large company or a public organization while I could still see to some extent, and my thoughts wavered.

Unfortunately, I am not very good at living strategically. I decided to become a contract researcher in the U.S. just because I did not want to have regrets in my one and only life since it had been my goal for a long time. It was a reckless choice for a visually impaired person to jump into the motorized society in America.

When I moved to the U.S., I changed my field. The field was still a branch of “life science,” but I moved to a field where I could use microscopes more casually. The field I was in when I was a graduate student seemed to be all about developing new microscopes, so I thought that I would be no chance to survive with my poor eyesight.

In fact, my initial research in the U.S. was not too difficult and I did not have much trouble even though it involved using microscopes. However, the situation suddenly changed. While we were discussing the results of the experiment in a meeting, my boss said, "Shall we check it with an electron microscope?" I said to myself, "Seriously?" because the electron microscope involved looking at an extremely dim sample in a pitch-black room, so I was pretty sure I would not be able to do it. However, I could not tell my boss that I cannot do it. At a loss, I looked at the night sky and sighed. Only the moon was visible in the darkness. My eyes could no longer catch the stars.

The electron microscope experiment began, and as the experiment progressed, I began to feel that this might work. The only way to get a brighter image of a sample in an electron microscope is to use a stronger electron beam. However, this usually destroys the sample and makes it unobservable. Luckily, my sample was made in a special way, so I was able to intensify the electron beam and observe it brightly. I was very relieved to know that this would work with my eyes. What was even more reassuring was, that the electron microscope was equipped with a CCD camera. This allowed me to judge on the spot whether the focus of the image and the magnification were appropriate. A long time ago, I would not have been able to experiment because I would have had to use silver halide film and wait several days for the film to develop before I could see the results. Thanks to the advancement of technology, I was able to overcome my doubts about the electron microscope experiment. However, the challenges continued.

Then my boss gave me a new suggestion: "Let's do a fluorescence microscope." This experiment was also like looking at a very faint sixth magnitude star in the night sky, which seemed impossible for me since I could not even see the first magnitude star Sirius. However, this time too, the microscope was equipped with a high-sensitivity CCD camera. I did not have to look directly with my eyes because the camera would see it for me. I convinced myself that I would be fine, since I had done the same with the electron microscope and faced the fluorescence microscope. My wish was granted, and I was able to capture the movement of weak spots of light in total darkness. In the end, the movement of these spots became solid evidence to support the statement of my paper.

Although I wished to get away from the microscope and even changed my major to do research in the U.S, the project I completed after nearly five years of work was an assortment of microscopic images. People around me often said, "How can you use so many different types of microscopes by yourself?" However, of course nobody knew about my eyes. At that time, I was beginning to feel that I could claim to be a "visual person" if I could master so many microscopes.

Becoming defiant as "a visual scientist"

After nearly six years in the U.S., I was able to get a job at a small college in Japan. Moreover, my research in the U.S. was highly evaluated and I even received an award for young researchers at an academic conference. At that time, I had a lot of momentum and was able to obtain a large research grant and quickly set up my laboratory. The students who came to my laboratory were excellent across the board. However, I was not sure what to do in terms of research strategy. At this point, I decided to make the development of a new microscopy method a main project of my research. As mentioned above, I am not a physicist, so I could not create a novel microscope based on a new theory. However, my innate dexterity allowed me to use all kinds of microscopes. For this reason, I began research on taking slightly "fancy" images by adding a trick to conventional microscopy methods.

Due to a string of good fortune, I am also able to minimize my visual handicap. First of all, even though I am visually impaired, I mainly have a visual field impairment, and the center of my vision is still almost intact. In other words, the range of my vision is extremely narrow, but I can see things that are captured by the center of my eyes quite clearly. Therefore, although it takes time, I can understand images by dropping my viewpoint to the image and looking around evenly. Furthermore, the evolution of technology has saved me: CCD cameras became better, and I no longer need to look at the samples with my own eyes. At the same time, computers have become faster, the images captured by the CCD camera can be displayed on a monitor, and by adjusting contrast and color tone, the images become much easier for my eyes to see. My greatest allies are my students. They become my "eyes" and take various images for me. All I have to do is to thoroughly teach the students the principles of microscopy and to evaluate the images obtained. In a way, I was able to give up experimenting on my own right away because of my eye disability. As a result, I think this was a good thing as the person running the lab. The students are much better at doing experiments than I am, so I can leave it to them.

I might not be able to continue as a visual scientist anymore.

As mentioned above, I sort of became defiant and I am still continuing my research using microscopes. However, since RP is a progressive disease, I eventually go blind. When people ask me, "How long are you going to keep using the microscopes? I can only answer, "As long as I can see even a little bit." Some people also ask me, "What will you do when you can no longer see?" I play ignorant and reply, "Hm. I wonder what I will do?". In many ways, I have a poor vision of the future.

Well, let me put aside the problem of "not being able to see" for now. I am by no means unprepared. Rather, I am seeking. I joined a local organization for the visually impaired and am keeping the lives of my seniors in my mind. I also began participating in low-vision care groups led by ophthalmologists, and as a person who can speak out, I am involved in low-vision awareness activities and planning and organizing events. A hands-on experience with voice control on smartphones, which I organized this year, was quite popular.

I am also planning to become an advisor to a medical practitioner. Right now, medical care and welfare are not well-engaged. As a person with visual impairment, I would like to become a consultant and provide information that people need on the spot, such as disability certificates, continuous employment, introduction to assistive devices, and the importance of rehabilitation. Of course, it is also good just to listen to the stories of visually impaired persons in distress. I know that the voices of the visually impaired are the ones that resonate with them the most, and I want to create a new form of support where the visually impaired can find a refuge within the ophthalmology.

I also began focusing on activities to support the mid-career employment of the visually impaired. The strange bond between the microscope and myself is the theme of this essay, so I have not mentioned it, but my life took a bad fall due to the sudden deterioration of my vision. I had no choice but to take a leave from work, and after rehabilitation, I somehow managed to return to work. I have been giving lectures and writing for journals to share my experiences with the public. But if I am going to share it, I want to share it with as many people as possible. So, I joined an English club and am currently working on my speech skills. I can speak in English, but I would like to be able to tell a story that is more understandable and inspiring. It may just be a desire for approval, but I am sure that there are people who want to hear my story as well.

Now back to the topic at hand. Will I graduate from being a visual person at some point? Well, I really don't know right now, so my answer is probably, "Well, let me continue for a while."

In reality, I don't have much time left. But I want to look at a world that no one has ever seen before through a microscope. When that moment comes, I will roar this line in my heart.

“To “do” science, you do not need sight, but you do need vision.”

I believe that I will be able to say it, and I still have faith as I stare down the microscope again today.