alyaa's Story

Meet My Best Friend - Epilepsy

“..Pity you, you are just 26 years old, but, eclampsia already attack you…” Said a senior nurse to me. I just can reply to her with blank stare. Empty. Nothing. Or more precisely, I don’t even understand what she meant.

Eclampsia, is an odd phrase for me, at that time. After 26 years of living, I never heard nor do any research neither. How can I expect, one simple word “Eclampsia” will give a big impact to me when I am in 8 months of pregnancy? But, that is the reality.

Still, I am thankful enough my baby and I were in good condition after the emergency operation. All the pain after being attacked by Grand Mal Seizure, Contraction and Emergency Operation, all gone when my baby was in my arm.

I wanted and I expected to be a normal mother, like anyone else did. But, reality didn’t meet with my expectation. At all.

Chronology of that Eclampsia continuously “accompany” me when I frequently get attacked by Absence Seizure and Tonic Clonic Seizure. And once again, I really really expect it to be a dream. But, reality slapped me so hard.

I lived as normal person in character. I go to work, I do household chore like normal housewife and I pretend that nothing happened. I skip all of my hospital appointments, I ignore all the possible medicines that should be taken in which, that, IF I had take all the medicines much more early, I can be a normal person that I wish to be! But...It’s too late!

Absence Seizure seems to love to “accompany" me. In a week, there must be 1 day that I get attacked. But, my head keeps on saying that...”No, you are fine! You don’t have any seizure. You just had a tiring day. That’s it!” Certainly, I will follow and believe in that.

Two years I’m living in denial. Quite good and I am proudly say that, I am still surviving! In that 2 years, I drove to work as usual, I play my role as Wife and Mother happily!

I am wanting to have all of that forever, but, God knows better. I got admitted to ward due to bad tonic clinic seizure. It hits me really hard! Hard to accept the reality that I am sick.

"You can't let your wife drive. In her condition, it will be dangerous" I will not forget that conversation. I cried so hard when my husband told me. I never expect to depend so much on my husband. But, seems like I have to.

To accept the reality is not as easy as ABC. Believe it or not, I was still driving to work. But, this time around, God give me a lesson when my car turn 360 degree and I am in unconscious condition! Absence seizure attacked me while I'm driving. Blankly stare, didn't aware what really happened, until the sounds "bumpp" triggered me. Front side of my car was in total damage, both side mirrors were broken, but luckily, airbag saved me.

Everyone that witnessed the accident having complicated times to think how it happen, while me myself, just sit quietly because my head feels like to explode! Due to that accident, I got admitted again. And this time, no joke, doctor wanted to keep my driving license. I had to surrender this time.

I stop following my own self desire, I am not strong enough to see my husband and my family become so anxious towards me. Life goes on. Well, I only can't drive anymore. I still have other capabilities that allow me to act like normal person. Unfortunately, it getting worse when I got attacked by Absence Seizure when I was cooking. Fire keep on burning and when the seizure episode is over, I saw my husband clean up the mess and my daughter's face was really scared.

"Mama, why you do that? Why you let the fire burning?" She just too young to know the truth. That, marks the moment I can't be alone at kitchen to cook, and even worst, marks the first time my daughter witnessed my abnormality.

To accept all of this facts is not easy and even until now, 5 years on I am living with Epilepsy, I still unable to accept the fact that, I am Epilepsy Patient. I can say, Absence Seizure is my best friend. From 1 time per week, now it getting worst, 2 or 3 times per day. Unbelievable right? But that is the outcome that I had to face, and I strongly believe if I stop live in denial, my best friend, Absence Seizure, will leave me long time ago.

Yet still.... I am truly grateful that I being surrounded by the peoples that love and care about me. I must proudly say that, Yes! I have Epilepsy! But, it won't stop me to catch my dream. I am living normally with modesty by accepting the fact there are do's and don'ts that apply to my life.

Despite of continue to live in denial, I continue my new life, with new challenge. Instead of thinking what I cannot do, I explore and initiate new thing that I can do in which produce the same result at the end..

Believe me, confidence comes not from being perfect, but, from not fearing to be imperfect.

I must proudly say, I am an Epilepsy Warrior!

By Alyaa Faten

March 2021