The Television

The Television (1995)

["The Television" is a comic, yet thorough, no-punches-pulled jab at the mediocrity of TV programming.]

The other day I turned on the television

I saw an electric heater and beside it a shapely brunette

She then proceeded to shed her dress and posed in her underwear

In order to demonstrate the heating power of the heater

They dangled the girl just to sell you the heater

That's the surest and cheapest form of advertising

They dangled the girl to make you desire the heater

That's the surest and most effective method of advertising

As long as purchasing power rests in the hands of men

The girl in the commercial is gonna stay naked

On the next channel there's a vocalist taking himself very seriously

He's singing while driving a Mercedes 500

And behind the pine trees awaits a European blonde

All this just to endear to me his velvet throat

Let him explain to me what brings the Mercedes to singing (1)

Or has his voice improved because he imported a woman from the West? (2)

Let him try to explain what brings the Mercedes to singing 

And what brings this Romanian girl to the land of Arabs (3)

Those (singers) who hit have hit, and those who fled have fled (4)

And those who mastered true art have been ruined

I changed stations and came across a romantic love scene

There's a girl who has used eye-drops to appear in tears

And her lover whispers to her: "I can't live without you"

A caress turns to stroking, turns to squeezing, turns to....

In the living room four or five kids are sitting around the TV

One kid is frozen in his seat and another kid's eyes are popping out

In the living room children are gathered to watch television

One child is frozen in his seat and another's eyes are out of their sockets

And one of them asks me: "What are those two doing?"

I told him: "Kid, they are roasting eggplants" 

What do you tell a child?

Another commercial features a hip-looking guy

He sparkles from his shoes up to his head

Women hover around him from his right to his left

And with cool determination he sips whisky from a glass

He reminded me of a lad who once was out drinking with his friends

By the second drink his head was spinning and his vision blurred

I was reminded of a young man who was out with his friends

By the second drink his head was spinning and he was seeing double

On the highway his car's brakes couldn't keep up with him

By the side of the road the young man died and four more with him

Lord have mercy

I said to myself: "I'll watch a movie until I'm drowsy so I can sleep"

In the first film there was more gunfire than dialogue

In the second, the hero (protagonist) stabbed a woman who was taking a shower

And in the third I saw a vampire arising from the grave

I got all wired up and couldn't get myself to sleep

For fear some monster would come and grab me in my dreams

I was all tensed up and couldn't get myself to sleep

For fear some ghoul was gonna catch me in my dreams

I stayed up the whole night, pacing in my pajamas

And slept at dawn with a gun in my hand and a blanket over my head

I slept at dawn with a gun in my hand and a blanket over my head

And since that day I haven't turned on the television

Since that day I haven't turned on the television

Since that day I haven't turned on the television

Since that day I haven't turned on the television

Never

Not once

(Voice of popular comic actor Tarek Tamim)

"Huh? You're just arriving now?

Why are you always late, Munir?

Hurry up, the orchestra is going to start with you

Seat yourself over here

Where's your guitar?

Plug it, plug it

Ready?

Go

God be with your tires" (5)

LONG GUITAR SOLO FOLLOWS

"You're one danged guitar player"

(1) Local expression "What brought this to that?" means: How does this relate to that?

(2) Lebanese men have long been enamored with foreign women, and Lebanese women have always known that. Years before it became fashionable for young women to dye their hair, Lebanese women were dyeing it blonde. This fascination with the foreign included products and customs from the West which the locals believed to be superior to the national product. This complex has not been eroded by time or  exposure, and remains the case today. The preferred cars are German; the watches Swiss; the movies American; and the beauty products French. 

Of course, Lebanon produces no cars or watches, nor beauty products of any quality, and the few movies which make it past the censors are mediocre productions with limited budgets. But where women are involved a double standard has been created. The Lebanese male thinks that foreign women are easy meat and Lebanese women the very embodiment of chastity. This in parallel to the universal male mentality of wanting to nab countless women and then marrying a virgin. Every young man covets his friend's sister while protecting his own sister from the eyes of his friend. Honor killings are every-day news.

(3) Night-club dancers of East European descent are the rage in Lebanon today. They complement their nightclub act by dancing in music video clips.

(4) "Those who hit have hit and those who fled have fled" is a common expression of dubious origin. The verb "to hit" is used to describe a song that becomes a hit.

(5) "God be with your tires" is said to a person who is leaving on a trip or voyage.